LORD OF THE ROSE RINGS; The Duelists of the Ring

A crossover between Lord of the Rings and the "Utena" anime series
Written in script form
by ker-plop

CHAPTER 1- BEHIND THE SCENES
DIRECTOR: So glad you decided to stay on and make another parody, Utena.
UTENA: It's good to do new stuff once in a while, especially since I'm only living off of the revenue the reruns pull in.
TOUGA: (Looking at script) I'm supposed to be an elf?! But I don't know the first thing about making cookies.
NANAMI: I'm so happy! I really got stiffed in the Episode I spoof but I have a super-key role in this one!
ANSHI: I'm pleased I'm more involved too.
DIRECTOR: Right. OK everyone, get into the Tolkien 5000! We need to alter your DNA so you fit more into the storyline.
MIKI: Yeah, we're not just add-ons like in Revolutionary Gungan Jar Jar Binks. We actually replace characters in this one!
(The duelists and everyone from the Utena series that appears in this story step into the machine)
DIRECTOR: OK. Hit it, Professor!
PROFESSOR: Ya! (Hits button, machine clicks and whirrs, sparks fly everywhere)
EVERYONE: YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
(The machine stops and opens. Smoke pours out as the cast reemerges. Utena is now three feet high and has hairy feet)
DIRECTOR: So, how do you feel?
UTENA: Not half as bad as I look, boss. Aw, geez, I've gotta shave my feet now too?!
MIKI: You think you have it bad? Look at these! (Pinches his pointy ears) And what's the deal with THESE?! (Points down at his chest)
JURI: Don't bellyache, you agreed that I'd be Aaragorn and you'd be Arwen.
MIKI: Hmmph. You'd better fix us when this is over!
DIRECTOR: Yeah, yeah, sure. Anything for my stars! (Whispering to Professor) You can reverse this, right?
PROFESSOR: Umm, ve havint prüfictid zat part yet... Ve're vurkink on it, though.
UTENA: Ooooh, boy...
CAST
Utena Tenjou as Utena Baggins
Samwise Gamgee as himself
Nanami as Nanami Took
Anshi as Anshi Brandybuck
Gandalf the Gray as himself
Saionji as Saionji Baggins
Touga as Touga the Elf
Miki as Miki the Elf
Juri as Juri-Son-Of-Arathorn-Who-Likes-Porn
Mr. T as Elrond the Elf
Yoda, Santa Claus and Barney as Elrond's council
Gimli Son-Of-Gloin-Who-Was-A-Pain-In-The-Groin as himself
Leon Magnus as Leon
Jar Jar Binks as Mister. Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfic
AND MANY MORE!!!

CHAPTER 2
SCENE 1- SAIONJI'S BIRTHDAY
(The scene opens over a lush, green grassland of small hills with little houses built into them. Suddenly, a large roar splits the quiet. Gandalf rips into the Shire in a hot rod, hauling loads of firecrackers. He drives past a bunch of Hobbits nailing up a sign saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAIONJI AND UTENA. At a corner, Utena hops into the car from a hill, surprising Gandalf)
UTENA: Gandaaaalf!
GANDALF: Utena, how are you? My, how you've grown. Hey, you shaved your feet today!
UTENA: Yeah, but it doesn't help much. (Lifts bare foot up, and suddenly a giant mass of hair reappears.) See?
GANDALF: Yes... So, how is old Saionji on his eleventy-first birthday?
UTENA: Oh, the same as always. Say, where'd you get this hot rod? I thought you usually traveled by carriage...

AKIO: Hey, where'd my car go?!

UTENA: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I need to get home and shave my feet again. (Stumbles out of the car and waddles off)
GANDALF: Hobbits. Don't you just love 'em?
(Gandalf approaches Bug Off End, Saionji's house. He raps on the door.)
SAIONJI: Go away! We don't want any!
GANDALF: You don't want any what?
SAIONJI: Blank encyclopedias! Some nut's been trying to sell me a set all week!
GANDALF: I'm not a salesman, Saionji. You know me!
SAIONJI: (Opens door) ...Gandalf?!
GANDALF: How are you, Saionji?
SAIONJI: Oh, things have just been swell...
BLANK ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN: I'm goin' door to door sellin'-
GANDALF: That guy?
SAIONJI: Yup.
BES: Well, I see you're busy, so...
(Gandalf picks up a football and hits BES with it. He topples over and vanishes)
SAIONJI: What was that for?
GANDALF: A quick and easy way to get rid of salesmen.
SAIONJI: Riiiiiiight.
(Later that night, the party is going quite nicely, with plenty of wine and ale and dancing and prancing and other forms of drunken entertainment)
UTENA: Go ahead, Sam. Ask Priscilla to dance.
SAM: I dunno, massa Frodo-
UTENA: My name's Utena.
SAM: Sorry, massa Utena. Aww, heck. I'll go give it a shot.
(Kyle is sitting in the corner chugging ale by the gallon)
KYLE: Yeeeah! Bring on the booze! BEEEEELLLLLLCH!!!!
SAM: Who invited him, anyway?
(In the back, Nanami and Anshi are messing around with some of Gandalf's fireworks. They find a tactical missile in the back and decide to set it off)
NANAMI: OK, how do we light this thing?
ANSHI: Maybe we just hit the button...
(Anshi hits the button and the missile goes flying off, surprising everyone. Gandalf comes in and grabs them both by the scruff of the neck)
GANDALF: Nanami Took and Anshi Brandybuck! I should've known it was you.
NANAMI: Hey, chill out! We weren't aiming at anything!
ANSHI: Yeah, we didn't even set the targeting mechanism...
GANDALF: Great. Who knows where it'll go now?

AKIO: There, I bought a new hot rod! Isn't it great?
(Missile flies down and blows up the car; Akio screams like a girl in frustration)

(Saionji gets up on the podium to give a birthday speech)
SAIONJI: Thanks a lot for coming out here, my friends. All you Bagginses and Bubbinses and Bubblyses and Proudbutts and Proudguts and Proudbobsledders...
COOL RUNNINGS TEAM: YAY, SAIONJI!!!
SAIONJI: Anyway, this is the end. Bye! (Puts on the MAGIC RING and vanishes; Gandalf frowns; mass hysteria among partygoers)
UTENA: Hey, where'd he go?!
ANSHI: I told him he'd waste away to nothing if he didn't eat more.
NANAMI: Speaking of eating... (Turns to the buffet and licks her chops)
(At Saionji's house, Saionji rematerializes and begins packing his bags when Gandalf shows up)
GANDALF: What was that all about?
SAIONJI: I'm leaving for the mountains. I want to see the elves again before I kick off.
GANDALF: I see.
SAIONJI: I'm leaving pretty much everything to Utena, since she's my nephew- er, niece.
GANDALF: (Eyeing the ring in Saionji's hand) ...Everything?
SAIONJI: Well... maybe not... everything... Well, why can't I keep it? It's mine! I found it! My precious...
ANSHI: I thought I was your precious.
SAIONJI: Not this time, sister.
ANSHI: (Shrugs and leaves)
GANDALF: It's not often you get to do a cameo in your own show. C'mon Saionji, leave the ring behind.
SAIONJI: I won't!
GANDALF: You will!
SAIONJI: I won't!
GANDALF: You will!
SAIONJI: I won't!
GANDALF: You will!
SAIONJI: I won't!
GANDALF: (Thinking fast) You won't!
SAIONJI: I will!
GANDALF: You won't!
SAIONJI: I will!
GANDALF: You won't!
SAIONJI: I will!
GANDALF: You won't!
SAIONJI: Now lissen here, if I want to leave it, I'll leave it! (Stuffs ring in an envelope and sticks it on the mantle) See you later, Gandalf.
GANDALF: Bye.
(Saionji puts on his napsack and trots out the door and heads off. About half a mile down the road, he stops)
SAIONJI: What just happened? (Shrugs and keeps walking)

GUY CHANGING LIGHTBULB: Huh?
HOODED PERSON: SHIRE... BAGGINS...
MY LITTLE PONY: Surprise!
GCL: OK, you want to take the 84 North up until you see I-97 and then go straight east for 16 miles. On the way, there's this great restaurant called Snorkles. It's got the best hot dogs you could ever eat! Also, if you need gas, there's plenty of refueling stations around the area, and-
(The rider has already taken off)
GCL: Now, I'd recommend buying from Fossil Exports, because Exxon Santiago is the company that caused that big oil spill a year back. Now listen, the Sinclairesse chain won't let you use the bathroom unless you buy something, and... Hey, where'd you go?

UTENA: Hey, Saionji! Where'd you go? Oh, Gandalf. Where's Saionji?
GANDALF: He took off and left everything to you.
UTENA: Really? That's GREAT! (Little '$' symbols appear in her eyes)
GANDALF: Utena, there's a very dangerous tool in this house.
UTENA: It's OK Gandalf, I already know the can opener has a mind of its own.
GANDALF: No, I'm talking about this. (Throws the envelope with the ring in the fire)
UTENA: ...What, the fireplace or the envelope? That wasn't the IRS statement, was it?
GANDALF: I'm talking about this. (Pulls ring out of fire and plops it in Utena's hand)
UTENA: YEEEEEOOOOWWWWW!!!! (Utena drops the ring on the ground and it burns a hole through the floor)
GANDALF: Oops.
UTENA: (Nursing her hand) It didn't go like that in rehearsal.
GANDALF: Anyway, the evil lord Sauron made this ring a long time ago, and he wants to get it back. If he gets it back, he can take over Middle-Earth and the universe as well. This is the one ring that rules all the others. If it were to meet with Sauron again, it would be disastrous.
UTENA: (Blinks twice)
GANDALF: ..That's a bad thing.
UTENA: (Shaking head) Oh! Well then, I'd better do something about it.
GANDALF: Good. You must take the ring to Mt. Boy-It's-Hot-Up-Here and throw the ring into the volcano. The lava is the only thing that will destroy it.
UTENA: Lava, huh? Hold on... (Grabs Saionji's lava lamp and tosses the ring in; the ring dissolves into nothing)
GANDALF: Well, I'll be damned.
DIRECTOR: Cut! Utena, enough ad-libbing! Stick to the script! Someone go get another ring!
(An intern hands Utena another ring, Utena sighs)
UTENA: Well, I like my version better.
GANDALF: I'm going to the 'Prancing Pickle Inn' in Bree. I'll meet you there. I must go and talk with Chuchu the Purple, my boss.
UTENA: OK.
GANDALF: Wait, did you hear something?
(Utena and Gandalf both hear the sound of running water and run to look out the window)
UTENA: SAM!!! Quit peein' in my roses!
SAM: Huh? (Tries to zip pants back up, but...) (ZNRRRCK) GRAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!!
GANDALF: (Grabs Sam by the scruff of the neck) What did you hear, Samwise Gamgee?!
SAM: A loud snap and the sound of my fertility dying... (Cringes)
GANDALF: I mean 'what did you hear Utena and me talking about?'
SAM: Ummm... A ring and some bad dude and a volcano.
GANDALF: Good. You're screwed.
SAM: Crap!|
GANDALF: (Getting up to leave) Meet me at Bree. Oh, yeah, and watch out for the RoseRingWraiths.
UTENA: The what?
GANDALF: The RoseRingWraiths.
UTENA: Bet you can't say that three times fast.
GANDALF: RoseWingWaifs. RobeRingRubber... Awww.
UTENA: You'll never make CNN.
(The next day, Sam and Utena set off across the Shire to reach Bree)
SAM: Stop, massa Utena...
UTENA: We took a potty break three minutes ago.
SAM: This is the farthest I've ever been from home.
UTENA: Come on, you big baby! (Grabs Sam by the ear and drags him after her)

CHAPTER 3
SCENE 2- RUNNING FOR BREE
(Utena and Sam are hiking through a large cornfield)
UTENA: Why do I get the feeling we're about to see something extremely silly?

MY LITTLE PONY: He was right. These are the best hot dogs I'VE ever tasted.
ROSERINGWRAITH: (BURRRRRP...)

SAM: You've predicted silly things five times already. How DO you do it?
UTENA: I know the writer. He's very predictable.
(Suddenly, Nanami and Anshi come crashing out of the bushes with armfulls of stolen produce and they knock Utena and Sam over and down a hill. All four land in a heap in a ditch below the main road)
UTENA: OK, I didn't see that one coming.
NANAMI: Ughhh... Anyone get the liscence number of that horse-and-buggy?
UTENA: (Looks up) Nanami! Anshi! What're you guys doing here?!
ANSHI: What stolen produce?! Oh, um, ah, I mean, hi, Utena and Sam!
SAM: Were you two bein' bad girls again?
NANAMI/ANSHI: (Shamefully nod their heads)
UTENA: Oh, boy... Well, we... (Suddenly hears hoofbeats) Get into the ditch! Quick!
(The foursome scramble into the ditch just as a RoseRingWraith rides by on its My Little Pony. It stops to look around for a second, and is about to keep going when...)
SAM: (FRRRRRAAAAAAAP)
UTENA: (SAM!!!)
SAM: (Sorry...)
(The RoseRingWraith stops and sits perfectly still for what seems an eternity as the four Hobbits huddle beneath the road. The RoseRingWraith sniffs the air and lets out an inhuman shriek)
ROSERINGWRAITH: Hey lady! When was the last time you changed your Glade Plug-In?!
ANSHI/UTENA/SAM/NANAMI: ?????
MY LITTLE PONY: Why do you say stuff like that? It doesn't make any sense.
NANAMI: (And putting a My Little Pony in this story does?)
ANSHI: (SHHH!!!)
(The RoseRingWraith sits still for another 5 minutes)
MLP: Oh, there's no one here. That was probably a stinky mushroom exploding or something. Let's go...
(The RoseRingWraith shrieks again as it takes off down the road; the Hobbits get up)
NANAMI: What the hell was THAT?!
UTENA: That must be a RoseRingWraith like Gandalf said.
NANAMI: Not you, Sam! What did you EAT, Gamgee? WHOO!
SAM: Ngrrrr...
ANSHI: At least the watermelon's safe. I hid it in my shirt.
UTENA: That would explain the stream of ants going up your blouse.
ANSHI: ...Hey little guys! Want some food?
(Nanami, Utena and Sam sweatdrop)
SAM: Didn't massa Gandalf tell us to keep off the roads?
UTENA: (Pulls down the previous scenes and looks them over) ...Nope. But I think it's implied. Let's hike straight through that patch of poison oak!

CHUCHU: Haven't seen you in a while, Gandalf.
GANDALF: Chuchu, have you sensed it? The darkness is growing in the world... Sauron is trying to return.
CHUCHU: Yes, I've sensed it.
GANDALF: If he gets his hands on the Rose Ring, the world's doomed!
CHUCHU: Of course. Didn't you notice that I don't really care anymore?
GANDALF: What?
CHUCHU: (Grins evilly) I serve Sauron now!
GANDALF: You lousy!
(Gandalf moves forward, but Chuchu's magical blast knocks him flat on his back. Chuchu grabs Gandalf's staff and balances it with his own. Gandalf begins to spin around like a top)
GANDALF: Wheeee!!!
CHUCHU: What? Most folks hate the Twirl-A-Whirl spell. I'll just have to take it up a notch.
(Chuchu's concentration increases and Gandalf's speed is increased as well)
GANDALF: Keep it up! Waaaaaaahooooooo!!!
CHUCHU: I'm gettin' sick of this. (Concentrates even harder; Gandalf is spinning faster than a pneumonic drill)
GANDALF: Urrrrghhh... OK, I've had enough now... Stop the ride, I wanna get off... I'm gonna...
(Chuchu is knocked on his back by a giant wad of puke that flies out of the spinning wizard.)
CHUCHU: Ewww... That does it!
(Chuchu uses a super-powerful spell to send Gandalf flying upwards towards the ceiling...)
CHUCHU: Yes! This feels so great!
KOOL-AID MAN: Oh, yeah!
CHUCHU: Who asked you? (Blows Kool-Aid man out the window)

NANAMI: Ughhh... Five miles through poison oak patches...
ANSHI: I liked it! It really brought out the oozing scabs in my skin.
SAM: (Shakes his head)
UTENA: Hey, open the gate here! (Yanks a large rope on the side of the gate, a large bell echos through the rainy night)
(A short, bearded little man pops out of a hole in the gate)
MAN: Who rang that bell?!
UTENA: Oh, boy.
MAN: Can't you read?!
SAM: (Catching on) No, it isn't here,
MAN: (Sticks a notice on the door and shuts his hole)
ANSHI/NANAMI/SAM/UTENA: (Monotonely reading) "BELL OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE KNOCK."
NANAMI: We walked right into this one, didn't we?
ANSHI: Actually, we didn't.
UTENA: Oh, shut up. (Bangs on door angrily)
MAN: (Re-emerging) Nobody gets in to see the Wizard, not nobody, not no how!
UTENA: But I'm UTENA!
MAN: (Surprised) The Witch's Utena? Well, that's an upside-down floating castle of a different color!
(The gates creak open and the Hobbits walk into Bree)
UTENA: Well, that only took about 5 minutes.
ANSHI: Let's find the pub Gandalf said he'd be in.

NANAMI: What kind of a name is that?
SAM: One that makes me hungry.
UTENA: Uh-oh... When Sam thinks about food, he-
SAM: (FRRRRRAAAAAAP)
ANSHI/NANAMI/UTENA: AAAUUUUGHHHH!!!!
(The group enters the place and finds it to look exactly like that Star Wars cantina. The same music's playing in the background, and aliens and weirdos are sitting around drinking)
UTENA: Suddenly I feel out of place.
ANSHI: Relax. With all the fuzz on your feet and your naturally pink hair, you'll blend right in.
UTENA: (Sarcastically) Thank you so much for the reassuring compliment.
SAM: ...I don't see massa Gandalf anywhere.
UTENA: He'll find us, Sam. I'm going to go have a drink.
(The group splits up in the bar to do their own things; Utena sits down at the bar)
UTENA: Hi, uh, I'd like a root beer float with chocolate sprinkles.
(The other bar patrons look at her and laugh)
UTENA: (Bangs hand on table) In a dirty glass!
(The barkeep places a mug of some dirty green liquid with flies buzzing around it in front of Utena)
UTENA: Hey, those aren't chocolate sprinkles!
(Suddenly, Utena is shoved from the side from an angry-looking, walrus-like creature)
WALRUS-THING: URRRRGH!!!
(As Utena shakes off her confusion, another weird-looking alien comes up and grabs her shoulder)
ALIEN: He doesn't like you.
UTENA: Aha. Sorry 'bout that.
ALIEN: (Tightening his grip on Utena's shoulder) I don't like you either! You'd better watch yourself. We're wanted men. I've got the death penalty in 5 systems.
UTENA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be careful.
ALIEN: (Pulling out knife) YOU'LL BE DEAD!!!
UTENA: Uh-oh, Spaghetti-o! (Puts on ring and vanishes, which attracts the attention of a mysterious stranger in the corner)
UTENA: Hey, this is a weird place, this invisible world...
(Suddenly, a huge, fiery tongue appears in front of her)
UTENA: ...What the hell is THAT?!
(The huge fiery tongue licks her)
UTENA: Ewwwww!!!
(She runs to a far corner of the bar where Nanami, Anshi and Sam are and takes the ring off)
ANSHI: Utena! Where'd you come from?!
UTENA: We all come from somewhere.
NANAMI: Knock it off with the philosiphy, will ya?
(Suddenly, the mysterious stranger comes up behind them)
UTENA: ...Sorry, do I know you?
NANAMI: Ooh! Ooh! I heard a guy in the bar talking about him! He's Juri, but people call him 'Streaker.'
UTENA: Juri?... Isn't that a girl's name?
JURI: Technically yes, but you're in danger now, so there's no time for talking genders. Hey, you're cute! (Winks at Utena)
UTENA: Even though that machine made you a boy, you're still Juri, I guess...
NANAMI: Some might say the machine FIXED her... uh, him... uh... Juri.
JURI: Oh, thanks a lot. Come on, let's all go hide in my bedroom!
SAM: You ain't gonna try anything, are ya, massa Juri?
JURI: What? No. You guys are way too little for me.
ANSHI: ...?
NANAMI: I'm not even gonna ask.

MAN: Who rang that bell?!
ROSERINGWRAITHS: (Screech inhumanly)
MLP: Surprise!
MAN: Can't you read?!
ROSERINGWRAITHS: (Screech inhumanly)
MAN: The notice!
ROSEWRINGRAITHS: (Screech inhumanly)
MAN: I... Urrrgh! (Sticks the sign up again)
ROSERINGWRAITHS: (Start screeching out the syllables in the sign. One of them then knocks)
MAN: Nobody gets in to see the Wizard, not nobody, not no how!
ROSERINGWRAITHS: (Screech inhumanly)
MAN: The Witch's (Screeches inhumanly)? Well, that's an upside-down floating castle of a different color! Come on in!

ANSHI: "Bad things?" Could the writer be a little more specific please?
SAM: Look, they're kicking puppies and spraypainting dirty words on the walls!
UTENA: Strange, I thought beings that looked as evil as they do would do worse.
JURI: They are the RoseRingWraiths. They once were the humans that had the nine rings, but Sauron turned them into those things out there. They are neither living or dead.
NANAMI: What about their My Little Ponies?
JURI: Those are alive and annoying.
NANAMI: I see.
JURI: We must leave here and head to Elrond.
UTENA: But we have to wait for Gandalf! Besides, you're a complete stranger!
JURI: Whoever he is, I'm sure he'd want you to come with me. Hey, want some candy?
SAM: Well, we'd better get out of here. Those things are makin' me a might nervous.
UTENA: Uh-oh. When Sam gets nervous, he-
SAM: (FRRRAAAAAAAAP)
ANSHI/UTENA/NANAMI/JURI: AAAAAUUUUUGGHHHHH!!!
JURI: (Holding his/her nose) Come on, let's get outta here.

UTENA: How do we shake those guys, Juri?!
JURI: We'll try to fight them up in that castle. Here, use these swords I just found.
(Juri tosses swords to Sam and Nanami. Utena and Anshi look up, confused.)
UTENA: Hey Streaker, ain't you forgettin' someone?
JURI: Ahh, just do the thing you always do.
UTENA: "...Thing?"
JURI: You know, the thing where you yank the big sword out of what's-her-face's stomach.
UTENA: Oh, THAT thing.
JURI: Sheesh. You've been out of work so long, you forgot about the thing?
ANSHI: I didn't! I got myself modified especially for getting the Sword of Dios out much faster! I'm spring-loaded now! Try it, Utena!
UTENA: Fine. "Grant me the Power to bring the World Revolution!"
(A loud SPROING is heard and the Sword of Dios fles out of Anshi's stomach and disappears briefly in the night air. It lands in some bushes about 10 feet away)
ANSHI: I'd better adjust that. (Pulls out a screwdriver and starts poking around in her belly button)
NANAMI: Can we just run? Those RoseRingWraiths are coming! I can feel it!
SAM: I can see 'em, too! Oh, no! I'm scared! (FRRRAAAAAAAAP)
UTENA: (Grabbing her nose) Ever considered seeing a specialist, Sammy?!
JURI: Run!!!

ROSERINGWRAITHS: (Inhuman screeching)
MY LITTLE PONIES: Surprise!
JURI: You know, in hindsight, maybe we should have just kept running through the woods.
NANAMI: No... you think?
SAM: I'll protect you, massa Utena!
UTENA: Fine, Sam. Just stay out of the way. Anshi, what are you going to do? You don't have a weapon.
ANSHI: Did you think the spring was the only thing I added? (An old 1812 cannon emerges from her stomach)
SAM: ...Woah.
ANSHI: (In a Duke Nukem-style voice) Let's rock!
(The battle ensues. The RoseRingWraiths pull out huge electromagnets and turn them on)
JURI: Uh-oh! They're trying to steal the Ring!
ANSHI: No they aren't. (She fires a tremendous blast from her cannon that knocks the magnets out of the RoseRingWraith's hands; they switch to an alternative weapon and pull out french fries and onion rings)
UTENA: (Sweatdropping) Someone made a pitstop at Hardee's before they got here, huh?
(The parties leap into battle, as steel clashes with potato, three of the RoseRingWraiths accost Utena)
UTENA: Oh, crap! (Ducks as an onion ring is thrown her way and a Wraith slashes at her with a fry) And I'm on a diet, too! Time to get serious. (She puts on the Ring and vanishes)
UTENA: Hmmm... Weird...
(In the strange world she sees when she puts the Ring on, she notices that all the RoseRingWraiths are Shadow Girls. They all turn and look at her and approach)
SHADOW GIRL A-KO: I wonder, I wonder... Do you wonder what I wonder?
SHADOW GIRL B-KO: Not really. You always wonder the same thing.
SHADOW GIRL C-KO: So, where'd she go, anyway?
SHADOW GIRL A-KO: Hold on. (Sniffs the air) Aha! There's a trace of Listerine here! Get her!
UTENA: Damn my overly-clean mouth!
(The RoseRingWraiths grab Utena and start stuffing fries and onion rings down her throat. Juri, Sam and Nanami watch in horror)
NANAMI: Utena's gettin' whipped!
JURI: Pity. She was such a nice hobbit.
SAM: I'm gettin'... (FRAAAAAAAAP)
ANSHI: I'll stop them. (A huge laser gun emerges from Anshi's stomach and the ray blows the RoseRingWraiths away) That'll give us time to help Utena.
UTENA: Gyarrrrgh... So fattening...
JURI: It is as I feared.
SAM: What's wrong?
JURI: If we don't get Utena to a stomach pump soon, she'll become like those stupid RoseRingWraiths, not to mention develop type 2 diabetes.
NANAMI: Doggone it! Well, at least they didn't get the Ring.
(Suddenly, Miki appears riding a horse)
MIKI: Hey, is my timing great or what? (Clicks stopwatch)
JURI: Again with the stopwatch, Miki?!
MIKI: Chill out, Juri. OK, give Utena to me and I'll ride to Elrond's place.
SAM: Hold on, who's he?... Uh, I mean, she? Errr...
JURI: This is Miki, an elf. She will assist us. Fly, Miki! Fly to Elrond's council!
MIKI: Fine. (Rides off)
NANAMI: (Yelling after him/her) BY THE WAY, THEY DID A GREAT JOB ON YOUR HOOTERS!!!
MIKI: SHUT UP!!!
(Morning comes and Miki is still riding. By now all 9 RoseRingWraiths are chasing him/her. He/she happens to slam into a bush and gets a cut on his/her face)
MIKI: Ow, that STINGS! C'mon, Old Paint! C'mon, Old Paint!
(Miki's horse leaps over a river and stands on the other side. The RoseRingWraiths hesitate)
MIKI: Nyah nyah! This is a sacred river protected by Elrond, my father! Nyah nyaaaaaah!~
(The RoseRingWraiths run right over the water and surround Miki)
MIKI: Nyah, nyah, nyah... Oh, crap.
(Suddenly, Sailor Mercury appears)
MERCURY: I'm gonna make the most of my cameo to do some good! MERCURY HYDRO WAVE THINGY!!!
(A huge tidal wave appears, takes on the appearance of a freight train, and washes the Wraiths away, leaving a very wet Miki, Utena and horse)
MERCURY: Ha! Don't say that cameos never do anything useful!
(Suddenly, a band of sumo wrestlers appear behind Mercury. She whips around and gawks)
MERCURY: Crap! They must have followed me from some other fan fiction! EEP!!!
(Mercury runs away into the bushes. The nine sumo wrestlers running after her, shouting Japanese profanities)
MIKI: You know, that chick's voice sounded familiar... Oh, whatever. (Clicks stopwatch)
UTENA: I'm gonna puke again, and my eyes are turning weird colors.
MIKI: Just lean over the side of the horse, and quit playing with my contact lenses! Sheesh, a gracious guest, you ain't. (Keeps riding)

SAM: Well, at least we got here.
NANAMI: Yeah, I was afraid the writer was gonna skip over us and go straight into the next scene like in the movie!
ANSHI: Let's go in and find Utena.
JURI: (Looks up and yells towards the guard tower) Konichiwaaaaaaaa!!!
NANAMI: "Hello" will do just fine, Juri. This is an English fanfic.
JURI: Aw, shaddup.
ANSHI: That's more like it!
(A guard appears on the turret above the gate)
GUARD: 'Ello? Who eez eet?
JURI: It's Juri, son-of-Arathorn-who-liked-porn! Please, I have to come in. We have information pertaining to a magical Ring that Elrond must learn!
GUARD: Well, Ah'll ask 'eem, but Ah don't zink he'll be very keen... He's already got one, ya see?
JURI: What?!
SAM: He said they've already got one.
JURI: I heard him. (Shouting back) Are you sure he's got one?!
GUARD: Oh yez, it's very nice! (He whispers to other guards hiding below the wall) I told 'em we've already got one. (Other guards snicker)
JURI: Ummm... Well, can we come and have a look?
GUARD: Of course now! You are Japanese-drawn cartoons!
JURI: ...What are you, then?
GUARD: Ah'm French! Whah d'you think I have zis OUTRAGEOUS accent, you silly girl?!
NANAMI: What're you doing in an anime fanfic?
GUARD: Mind yer own business!
JURI: ...If you will not show us the Ring, we shall open those gates by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, anime pigdogs! Go and boil yer bottoms sons of a silly person, so-called Joorii! Ah blow mah nose at you, silly son of a window dresser! You an' all your staffy anime kinnnnnnniggits! (Bangs the top of his helmet and makes spitting noises)
SAM: He's off his rocker.
JURI: Hey, buddy, I-
GUARD: Ah don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-drop whopper! Ah fart in yer general direction! Yer mother was a hamster, and yer father smelt of elderberries!
ANSHI: Excuse me, but is there anyone else up there we can talk to?
GUARD: No. Now, go away or Ah shall taunt you a second time.
JURI: I'm kind of wishing they skipped over us now.
NANAMI: Yeah...
SAM: Hey, look! You're about to get your wish!

UTENA: Hey, can't a girl get any beauty sleep around here?
SAM: Massa Utena, you're finally awake!
UTENA: "Finally?" How long was I out?
ELROND: You been out long 'nuff, missy! Ah pity da foo' been out long as you!
UTENA: (Growing suspicious) Hold on... Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
ELROND: Uhhh... (Realizes that he's still looks like Mr. T except for the pointy ears) ...No.
UTENA: Riiiight.
SAM: Well, you'd better hurry, Massa Utena. We're gonna have a council meeting about what to do about the Ring.
UTENA: Huh? Well, OK. It's not like it's going to be interesting or anything.
ELROND: You git yo'self dressed an' come to da court hall! Ah pity da foo' ain't in da court hall!
UTENA: This is going to get tiring fast. (Utena begins to undress and takes notice of Sam) ...And you're still in here why?
SAM: Beg pardon, Massa Utena. (Turns around and leaves)
UTENA: Sheesh. Sometimes I think you have to tell him stuff with a megaphone. (Keeps undressing; Gandalf opens the door)
GANDALF: Hey, how's my favorite Hobbit?!
UTENA: GET OUTTA HERE!!! (Throws her sword at Gandalf, Gandalf ducks)
GANDALF: Boy, are we cranky today. (Leaves the room)
UTENA: Man, everyone wants to see me naked today... (Smiles crazily) I've never felt so popular!!!

AKIO: Sheesh, can't you cook ANYTHING besides rice?! All day long, it's rice, rice, rice! Hey, don't take my bowl away, I'm eating! Dammit, no one in this school can do ANYTHING right! The only thing that pulls any weight around here is my goddam car!
(An alien spacecraft flies down out of nowhere and blows up Akio's car; he walks outside and smacks himself in the forehead)
AKIO: ...Figures!
(Akio grabs a shotgun from somewhere and walks out to the crater)
SOME CREEPY VOICE: Lay down your projectile weapon.
AKIO: You can take my gun when you pry it out of my cold, dead fingers! Wait a minute... Doesn't this scene seem familiar? Uh-oh... I think I know what comes next...
SOME CREEPY VOICE: Your proposal is acceptible.
(A huge claw comes out of the crater and grabs Akio and drags him down. After a lot of fighting, Akio's flat flesh flops up onto the ground and is dragged down again. The space alien, dressed in Akio's skin, waddles out and cricks his neck. Utena walks in on the scene)
UTENA: What was that all about?
AKIO: (Appearing from offstage) I don't know. People have been asking for a Utena and Men in Black crossover.
UTENA: Sheesh... Can we get on with the story already?
AKIO: Fine. Hey, Charley, that's a wrap!
CHARLEY, THE ALIEN: Great! Dude, your skin itches. (Charley peels off rubber Akio costume and walks over to the drinking fountain; Utena sweatdrops)
UTENA: GET BACK TO THE STORY, OK?!

ELROND: Order in da court! Order in da court!
SAM: Ham on rye, please.
(Everyone sweatdrops and falls down)
NANAMI: Man!!! That joke's been milked so many times, it's squirtin' dust!
ELROND: On with da meetin'! Dis is an official meetin' o' da Council o' Enron!
GANDALF: 'Enron?' Don't you mean 'Council of Elrond?'
ELROND: We's got special guests heah today, so Ah callin' it da Council o' Enron!
ANSHI: Guests? (Elrond motions to Bush, Cheney and Lay) ...Oh.
TOUGA: I could have sworn we were supposed to be leaving politics out of this.
BUSH: Well, I'd suggigest we do this meeting before the authoritarities come and close us down.
LEON: Right, you imbeciles. What should we do with the Ring?
JURI: Utena, show them the Ring.
(Utena reaches into her shirt to get the Ring; a whistle is heard)
UTENA: OK, who did that? C'mon, own up! WHO DID THAT?!
(Everyone points at Touga, who goes red and scrunches himself up)
UTENA: Anshi, you know what to do.
ANSHI: Right! (A water balloon flies out of Anshi's stomach and splashes all over Touga)
TOUGA: Aaaahhh!! Watch the hair! Anything but the hair!
ELROND: Back to da business at han'. What we gonna do wit' da Ring?
BUSH: (Stands up) I propose we use this Ring in our battle against the Axis of Evil. Remember, those that commit atrocities in the name of Allah blaspheme the name of Allah. Either you are with us or you are with the terrorists. (Blank stares from everyone)... Long story short, I say we use the Ring for strategury.
(Suddenly, Al Gore appears)
GORE: Hello. As you all know, I'm former Vice President Al Gore (the favorite of the American People, but that's another story). I propose we put this Ring in a lockbox that can only be opened by Tiffer, myself and a few other people.
UTENA: Why you? You're not the President.
GORE: (Looks over his papers) Dangit, I told my press secretary to update this speech.
ELROND: Shu'up! (Points to Utena, Sam, Anshi, Nanami, Juri, Touga, Gimli, Gandalf and Leon) You nine's gonna form a fellowship! Ah pity da foo' don't form a fellowship! Remember, dial 1-800-COLLECT and use Northwestern Title Loans! DAMN, these pointy ears itch!
GIMLI: ...What did he say?
GANDALF: He said that Touga, Nanami, Anshi, Sam, Utena, you, Leon, Juri and myself should all go to MooMoo and throw the Ring into the fires of Mt. Boy-it's-Hot-Up-Here.
JURI: Why us?
GANDALF: Because we have a quota to fill.
ELROND: Mah loyal council members, got anythin' to add?
YODA: Ahh, hard to see, the stupid side is. Hee hee hee... MMMMM!!!
UTENA: Hooo boy... I was hoping he would stay in the Episode 1 parody...
SANTA CLAUS: Ho ho ho! That Sauron is definitely on my naughty list! Ho ho ho!
NANAMI: And of course, we had to add in the jolly representative of the holidays...
BARNEY: Uhhh... I just think Sauron needs a hug! I love you, you love me~
LEON: Shut up. (Decapitates Barney)
UTENA: THANK YOU. (Notices something) Hey, you're not a zombie in this story! Hmmm... Hey, you're pretty good looking...
LEON: Yeah, too bad I kick off at the end of this. HA!
(Barney's head rolls over to Sam, who gets kind of nervous)
SAM: Massa Utena, this head's makin' me kinda nervous, and... (FRRRRAAAAAAAPPPP)
EVERYONE : OH, GAWD!!! SAM!!!
SAM: ...Sorry.
ELROND: So dere we have it. Remember, leave tomorrow fo' MooMoo! Ah pity da foo' don't leave tomorrow fo' MooMoo! And don't figet-
EVERYONE: (Boredly) "Dial 1-800-COLLECT and use Northwestern Title Loans."
ELROND: Uh... Yeah. Y'all took the words right out o' mah mouth!
COPS: There they are! Let's sue 'em for the information!
KEN LAY: I know NUTZINK!
BUSH: Let's skeedoodle! (Bush, Cheney and Lay run away with the cops chasing them)

JURI: Well, you saved Utena. Nice job, Mik.
MIKI: Thanks. Say, what happened to that girl that was getting chased by the sumo wrestlers?

MERCURY: Crap! They're still on my tail!
SUMOS: Fungaaaaahhhh!!!
MERCURY: (Leaps out of tunnel entrance and jumps off Hoover Dam) I DIDN'T KILL MY CAREEEEEEERRRRR!!!! (Loud splash)

JURI: Yeeeeeah.
MIKI: Anyway Juri, here. (Hands Juri his/her shiny ring thing) I'm gonna stop being immortal so we can get immoral, if you know what I mean... Heh heh heh...
JURI: OK, but just this once... You know, maybe if you don't get reversed after the movie's over, we could get together and...
MIKI: Maybe... It is kind of nice... Oh, what the hell.
(Miki and Juri start frenching)
LEON: ...I'm gonna puke.
NANAMI: Relax. Let the kid have his fun.
LEON: You ARE talking about the blue-haired one, right?

UTENA: OK, explain again why you're here.
SAIONJI: I've told you ten times... That alien guy that was in Akio's scene gave me a lift here before he crashed.
UTENA: (Turns to readers) Isn't it funny how everything comes together to make sense in this story?
SAIONJI: Anyway, can I touch the Ring?
UTENA: Oh, why not? (Hold out Ring; Saionji reaches out to touch it, but Utena yanks it back quickly) Psyche!
SAIONJI: Aww, come on! Let me touch it!
UTENA: Nope.
SAIONJI: Pleeeeease?
UTENA: No.
SAIONJI: With a cherry on top?
UTENA: (Dangles Ring just out of reach of Saionji) Nah-nah-na-na-naaahhhhhhh~
SAIONJI: You're a cruel beast!
UTENA: Here's the deal; you can slap Anshi for free.
SAIONJI: What? Oh... All right...
ANSHI: Come on now...
(Saionji lightly pokes Anshi's cheek. Anshi shows visible signs of disappointment)
ANSHI: That was it?
SAIONJI: Sorry. The thrill is gone.
ANSHI: Oh, come on! Lay it on me, green hair! Just a nice hard... (Anshi holds her arm up and slaps herself so hard she flies across the room and crashes into the wall) ...Just like that! Ah ha ha... (A few of her teeth fall out and she faints)
SAIONJI: ...Yeah. Oh, here's some Mythril armor and a spork that glows blue when bad monster people are near.
UTENA: (Sarcastically) A spork? Gee, where'd that come from?

ELROND: Remember, go to MooMoo and toss dat ring in Mt. Boy-it's-Hot-Up-Here! Ah pity da foo' can't toss dat ring in Mt. Boy-it's-Hot-Up-Here!
UTENA: (I pity anyone who has to stay around here and listen to this ham...)
MIKI: Goodbye, Juri. Come back soon!
JURI: You bet I will. Just think about what I said.
LEON: Funny, I've just had a powerful urge to steal something.
NANAMI: You can steal my virginity any time, big guy!
GIMLI: Chill out. You're too little. Hey Touga, can I have some cookies?
TOUGA: You know, I'm continuously disgusted with people thinking that just becuase I'm an elf I bake cookies and help Santa make toys.
UTENA: Well, your last paycheck WAS signed by a one S. Claus...
TOUGA: Shut up.
ELROND: Catch y'all later! (Looks behind him to see the entire castle being towed away) HEY!!! What gives?!
REPO MAN: Sorry, your Council of Enron's been repossessed. But here's some good news... We have your new council member, too.
(Pac-Man appears)
ELROND: Just what I need... Another little bald guy!
UTENA: (Smirking) Now where have we heard that one before?

NANAMI: This was never in the movie.
ANSHI: I guess the writer took some creative lisence.

UTENA: Give me a bacon double-cheeseburger and a Coke, please.
CLERK: (Talking into a microphone) A bacon double-cheeseburger and a Coke for a bisexual Hobbit.
UTENA: What does that mean? Are you gonna spit in it now? (Walks to a table and waits)

NANAMI: So Leon, have you got any family?
LEON: I have a sister and an adoptive mother.
NANAMI: That's nice.
LEON: My sister's a goddamn thief and she runs around with a wild-haired screwball from Linea Village.
NANAMI: ...OK...
LEON: Hmmph. (Bites his burger)
UTENA: So Juri, whaddya think of Miki now? Eh? Eh? He, ah, she looks pretty good to me, if ya know what I mean...
JURI: Sheesh. Don't beat around the bush. I think he, er, she's pretty darn good now. Say, where'd Anshi and Sam go?
(Sam returns and sits down, looking a bit grumpy)
UTENA: Sam, where's Anshi?
SAM: For some strange reason, massa Utena, she followed me into the bathroom.
UTENA: She does that.
SAM: We had a fight. She bit me.
UTENA: No biggie.
SAM: (Points to a huge hickey on his neck) It HURTS, dammit!!!
UTENA/JURI/TOUGA: WOAH!!! (They gawk at the wound for about thirty seconds)
JURI: You are one lucky bastard, Sam.
SAM: ???
GANDALF: Anyway, we have to get moving soon.
UTENA: Hold on a minute... (Opens her burger and shows it to Sam) Does that look like spit to you?
SAM: Yep.

UTENA: BURGER PUNK!!! (Runs up and leaps over the counter and starts clobbering the clerk)

SAM: BUGGAH PUNK!!! (Runs up and leaps over the counter and starts hammering the clerk)

NANAMI: BURGER PUNK!!! (Runs up is about to attack the clerk when an elephant falls on them both)

TOUGA: Burger Punk. (Shoots the clerk with an arrow)

GIMLI: No clerk shall punk a dwarf! (Runs up and tries to axe the clerk, but slips on a greasy spot and lands on his butt)

GANDALF: BURGER PUNK!!! (Runs over and beats the clerk to the ground with his staff)

JURI: BURGER PUNK!!! (Runs over and slices the clerk in two)

LEON: What're you looking at me for? I have no beef with him. HA! BEEF? GET IT?! AH HA HA HAAAA!!!

ANSHI: (Sighs contentedly) I'm back! Hey, why's everyone staring?
(Sailor Mercury has just run through the restaurant and the sumo wrestlers chasing her have stopped to beat down the clerk)
UTENA: I think we can see a recurring theme here.
GANDALF: Whatever. Let's go.

CHAPTER 8
SCENE 7- SNOWY MOUNTAINS AND MINES OF MORIA
(The fellowship is hiking through the snowy mountains)
NANAMI: Cold, cold, cold... Rear end is totally frozen...
TOUGA: Oh, quit bellyaching, you three-foot fuzzball.
NANAMI: What? Don't tell me you're not cold!
TOUGA: I'm not. See, my red hair absorbs sunlight in the daytime and releases its heat to warm my body in cold areas.
JURI: Wow. I'm impressed. All mine does is attract bees. (Swats at some hornets) Get away! That's NOT honey!
UTENA: What are bees doing in the snowy mountains anyway? Don't they die in cold weather?
(Suddenly, the bees drop dead)
JURI: Ignorance is bliss, I guess.
(Suddenly, everyone hears the sound of a horse coming their way. They turn around in time to see Miki come flying off his/her horse and land in front of Juri)
MIKI: Hello! Did you miss me?
LEON: What are you doing here?
MIKI: Ahh, I thought I'd tag along with you guys.
NANAMI: But Arwen doesn't come along with the Fellowship. That's not in the movie!
MIKI: Yeah, well, neither was your little scene at the fast food restaurant.
TOUGA: Errr... Miki does have a point. And this IS a parody, is it not?
MIKI: Which reminds me, I need to put up my own scenario!

MIKI: BURGER PUNK!!! (Leaps over the counter and knocks the clerk down with his/her forehead. Then he/she jumps on top of the clerk and starts biting his leg)
CLERK: AAAHHHHHH!!!

UTENA: ...............Why did you bite his leg?
MIKI: Oh, I was hungry. Who cares? Let's go!
(Everyone sweatdrops and continues onwards)

NANAMI: Cold, cold, cold... Rear end is totally frozen...
ANSHI: I thought you already said that.
NANAMI: Who cares? I'm sayin' it again!
UTENA: Hey, what's that sound?...
(Everyone listens for a second; Gandalf grows very nervous)
GANDALF: Confound it all! It's Chuchu the Purple, trying to bump us off! He's using his deadly tongue-twister magic to conjure up a blizzard!
CHUCHU: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, a peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked~
ANSHI: Hey, I know that one!
LEON: Of course you do. What can we do to counter it and stop from getting turned into popsicles?
GANDALF: I shall have to counter this tongue-twister with a tongue-twister of equal power! (Starts yelling) A pickled pepper picked a peck of Peter Pipers, a peck of Peter Pipers a pickled pepper picked!!!
CHUCHU: PICKLED PEPPERS!!!
GANDALF: PETER PIPERS!!!
CHUCHU: PICKLED PEPPERS!!!
GANDALF: PETER PIPERS!!!
CHUCHU: PICKLED PEPPERS!!!
GANDALF: PETER PIPERS!!!
ANSHI: One slick snake slid down the slippery sleuce!
UTENA: Shut up.
CHUCHU: PICKLED PEPPERS!!!
GANDALF: PETER PIPERS!!!
CHUCHU: PICKLED PEPPERS!!!
GANDALF: PETER PIPERS!!!
CHUCHU: PICKLED PEP-
GANDALF: PETER PIP-
(Both wizards have successfully tied their tongues in knots; an avalanche falls towards the group and Chuchu gets a migrane)
JURI: AVALANCHE!!!
SAM: Oh, no! (FRRRRAAAAAAAPPPP)
(Sam's flatulence melts all the snow before it can fall on the party; everyone sighs with relief)
MIKI: Nice job, Sam!
TOUGA: Yes, excellent work.
GANDALF: I would have done better, but I guess it'll suffice. (Sniff) On the other hand...
GIMLI: Can we just take a shortcut through the Mines of Moria like I suggested before?
UTENA: Oh, fine, you big baby. Let's go, fellas.

KANAE: Are you sure we should be driving right now? I mean, the visibility is almost zero.
AKIO: Lissen, woman, I'll drive when I wanna drive! And I say I can see the road just fine!

NANAMI: OK, why'd it blow up?
UTENA: The same reason the squid's eating Touga.
(Everyone looks; a giant squid IS eating Touga)
SAM: Massa Utena, does this happen often?
UTENA: Yeah, yeah, Touga just LOVES squids. Ain't that right, Touga?
TOUGA: MMMFFFFF.
(A little later at the mine entrance)
GANDALF: I think this doorway is a puzzle. Let's see if I can solve it... Leave the horses, will you?
SAM: Goodbye, Fred... May you live to a ripe old age.
(Sam lets the horse go and the huge underwater monster thing outside the mine snaps it up and eats it; blood goes flying everywhere)
SAM: Oh, well.
GANDALF: Hmm... This certainly is a tricky puzzle... "How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?"
JURI: You know, I could have sworn they said the world would never know that one.
GANDALF: Umm... I'd like to pass on that question?
(The question engraved in the rock magically changes)
GIMLI: Now it says "Let me see your Golden Wonka Ticket."
ANSHI: Oh, I've got one of those! Hold on...
(Starts pulling all sorts of junk out of her pockets; pens, used gum, paper clips, Elvis, snails, cell phones, music CDs, flamethrowers, etc. until she pulls out a half-eaten candy bar)
TOUGA: What's that?
ANSHI: It's a Scrumdiddlyumptious bar.
LEON: Don't ask. It'll just lead into a musical number.
ANSHI: Let's see... (She eats the rest of the candy bar and licks her lips) Deeeeelicious!
GANDALF: I don't see how that helps us open this door.
UTENA: Just watch. Anshi's got a plan.
ANSHI: (Stands there with the usual spaced-out look on her face)
UTENA: ...Or not?...
ANSHI: (Starts jumping up and down until she throws up)
EVERYONE: EWWWWW!!!!
ANSHI: Ah! Here it is... (Pulls a Golden Wonka Ticket out of the gunk) Use this, Gandalf!
GANDALF: Hey, I'll fight Sauron, but I'm not touching that.
(Anshi opens the door to the mines and everyone gasps. Dwarf corpses litter the place)
GIMLI: Oh, crap. I guess this means karaoke is out.
JURI: What horrible carnage...
(Utena is walking around and observing the dwarf bodies)
UTENA: Sleepy... Happy... Grumpy... Dopey... Sneezy... Bashful... Doc. Yep, they're all here.
TOUGA: How very gruesome. Let's go in anyway.
NANAMI: We just never learn, do we?
(The group hikes through the mines until they reach a room with a bottomless pit in the middle)
ANSHI: Wow, that hole sure is deep.
GIMLI: How 'bout we throw you in and listen for a THUD to gauge how deep it is?
ANSHI: OK!
GIMLI: Sheesh, it was a joke, kid. Get a grip.
(Anshi squeezes Gimli's arm and won't let go)
GIMLI: Oh, boy.
GANDALF: Let's bed down for the night.
LEON: Good. I'm sleepy.
(The party sits down on the stoney floor and certain groups talk amongst themselves)
UTENA: Hey Gandalf, did you just hear something?
GANDALF: Hear what?
UTENA: Oh, I don't know... Kind of like someone throwing up?
GANDALF: Ah, that would be Gollum. He's been following us for a while. He likes the Rose Ring.
UTENA: Huh? (Turns around and sees a red-eyed, skinny creature hiding behind some rocks. It makes a gurgling sound and pukes on the floor. She turns back to Gandalf) What's his problem?
GANDALF: Let's just say that he has what Sam has, but all his stuff goes out the other way.
UTENA: Ick... Shouldn't we kill him?
GANDALF: Some creatures that are alive deserve death, and some that died deserved to live.
UTENA: What's that got to do with Gollum and his puking?
GANDALF: Oh, I dunno. I just like sounding dramatic. If it bothers you, take these foam earplugs.
UTENA: ...Thanks. G'night, Gandalf. (Stuffs the earplugs in and turns in for the night)

NANAMI: OK, adding together all the income I make from the reruns, plus the annual tape and DVD sales- both dubbed and subtitled- I can safely say... that I need to get hired for more of these crossovers. Ugh. (Sweatdrops)
SAM: You think your life is bad? This is a one-shot deal for me! Once this is over, I'm gone! Here, lemme show you how much I make a year... Ummm...
ANSHI: Do you need a pencil? (Holds out her pencil box and Sam digs around inside)
SAM: You're awfully kind, massa Anshi. I... (Pulls out something from the pencil box) ...Is this a snail?
ANSHI: That one's Gargamel. The other three are Gluko, Gilgamesh and Ghaleon. Oh, here's a pencil they haven't slimed yet.
SAM: (Sweatdropping) ...Thanks.
ANSHI: Hey, let's have some popcorn!
SAM: OK. Where is it?
ANSHI: Right here. Just say the magic words.
SAM: Err... OK... I'm new at this, though. Ahem. "Grant me the power to bring about... popcorn!"
(Anshi leans back and Sam yanks a huge tub of buttered popcorn out of her chest)
NANAMI: Hey, that's a neat trick! Teach me!
ANSHI: And if you need soda, stick 50 cents in my mouth. Yank my ear for coin return.
SAM: Oh, brother...

JURI: So, were you serious about not fixing yourself after this is over?
MIKI: Naaahhh. I prefer what I was born with.
JURI: Oh... (looks dejected and starts pouting)
MIKI: Oh, come on! Enough people say I look like a girl. Isn't that enough?
JURI: Well... I suppose... Those eyelashes have always turned me on, you know.
MIKI: (Blushing) R-r-really?!
JURI: Ahh, we can figure something out later. G'night. (Flops over and starts snoring)
MIKI: Aww, geez. She snores. Great.
TOUGA: Say, Miki. You know, since we're both elves and no one's really watching and you're a girl anyway, do you suppose we could... ah...
MIKI: Uh-uh.
TOUGA: Oh, come on! We'd make some great E.L. Fudges!
MIKI: Nope.
TOUGA: Grasshoppers?
MIKI: No.
TOUGA: Chips Deluxe?
MIKI: No.
TOUGA: Striped?
MIKI: No.
TOUGA: RAINBOW Chips Deluxe?
MIKI: NO!
TOUGA: Oh, come on! We don't have to tell anyone! Come, on, just one little smooch...
MIKI: Amscray!
TOUGA: Hey, you know you like me. Now gimme a kiss before I give you a knuckle sandwich! Eh? Eh?
(Touga leans in close. Miki performs the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Touga and he falls over, out cold; Miki turns to the readers)
MIKI: (Tugging at ears) What, you thought these were ELF ears? Sheesh.

GIMLI: Have you noticed we don't play a very important role in this story, lad?
LEON: At least you don't die at the end of the first movie.
GIMLI: Oh, yeah... Heh heh heh. Sucks to be you.
LEON: Don't remind me.

UTENA: OK, time to walk through the mines again!
GIMLI: Goodie goodie. I hate walking. Is there a golf cart anywhere?
ANSHI: Let's see if I can find one... (Starts yanking stuff out of her stomach at random; another sword, a hammer, an axe, a Swiss army knife, Ritalin, a rolltop desk, etc.) ...Nope. Sorry, Gimli.
GIMLI: Darn.
TOUGA: We'll just have to walk, I guess.
NANAMI: Fine with me. Hey Touga, could you put in a good word to Kris Kringle? I need a new set of pruning shears for my dueling roses.
TOUGA: Oh, for God's sake. All day long it's 'I want, I want' or 'Tell Santa I want, tell Santa I want.' What about MY needs?! Huh? Maybe I want something once in a while, did you ever think of that?! Am I not a person? Do I not bleed?
ANSHI: (Slashes Touga's arm with a sharp pencil and watches the blood drip out) He has a point.
TOUGA: OW!!! What did you do that for?!
ANSHI: You asked if you bleed, so I answered it.
TOUGA: Good grief. (Sweatdrops)
(Suddenly, the group hears some skittering around behind them)
LEON: Did you hear that?
JURI: Of course we did. Besides, the writer put it right up there! How could anyone miss that?
MIKI: Guys, look behind us!
(Everyone turns around; a huge legion of Hamburglars and Furbys are coming up behind them)
UTENA: Oh, crap.
JURI: Hamburglars? Furbys? Man, are we gonna have our asses sued off when this is over.
SAM: Oh... (FRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAP)
GANDALF: RUN!!!
(The group starts running through the mines, trying to avoid the burgers and chicken sandwiches being thrown at them)
TOUGA: You're annoying me. (Shoots an arrow. Through the miracle of computer animation, we see the arrow's point of view as it shoots through a Hamburglar's brain)
MIKI: Over here... Over here... (Reaches out and catches a burger as it whizzes by) SCORE! Hey, it's got pickles on it! I HATE pickles!
LEON: Screw it! Keep running!
(The party leaps down some huge steps. Unfortunately, part of the stairs crumble away, leaving Gimli, Touga, Utena and Juri stranded on a wildly teetering piece of rock)
TOUGA: I'll have to throw you all over to the other side.
GIMLI: No one shall toss a dwarf! Not even a horny elf!
TOUGA: You never said I couldn't kick you across.
GIMLI: Say what?
(Touga boots Gimli in the butt and he sails over to the other side)
TOUGA: Hup! (Leaps over and is safe on the other side)
JURI/UTENA: HEY, WHAT ABOUT US?!
TOUGA: Whoops. Guess I forgot.
JURI/UTENA: (Sweatdrop)
JURI: Lean forward! Suck out that gut!
(Juri and Utena lean forward as much as they can, but the rock doesn't go that way)
JURI: We need more weight!
UTENA: I've got a solution. Nanami, get over here!
(Touga throws Nanami onto the rock)
JURI: What are you going to do? She's lighter than you!
UTENA: Nanami, say "Phantom Spice."
NANAMI: Oh, please don't make me do that...
UTENA: Do it or I give you a wedgie.
NANAMI: Agh! Anything but that! PHANTOM SPICE!!!
(An elephant drops in out of nowhere and the rock tilts far enough forward that Juri, Nanami and Utena can safely get off)
UTENA: See? I could be another Houdini.
JURI: (Rolls eyes)
(The group runs some more, accompanied by the Scooby-Doo running sound effect and a recurring background)
TOUGA: Zoicks!
MIKI: Jinkies!
ANSHI: Rooby-Rooby-Roo!
GANDALF: Can we stop running now?
(Everyone stops running, but the background keeps going)
LEON: ...How low is our budget, exactly?
TOUGA: I'll stop it! (Thrusts his knife into the background, but it keeps going and drags Touga off with it; he reappears every two seconds)
TOUGA: Woah... Woah... Woah...
GIMLI: One side. I'll stop it.
(Gimli sticks the wooden end of his axe in a piece of the background and trips it. A mess of wires and rotors crashes down and blows up. A very dizzy Touga wobbles around and falls on his face)
UTENA: Problem solved. Thank you, Mr. Gnome.
GIMLI: I'm a dwarf.
UTENA: You said it. I didn't.
GANDALF: Shh! Listen... (Everyone strains to listen. A sinister ROAR is heard behind them)
SAM: What's that?!
JURI: It's a bird!
NANAMI: It's a plane!
GANDALF: It's....
(The monster truck "GRAVE DIGGER" rips out from behind a corner and drives right at the group)
MIKI: A BALROG!!!
TOUGA: No, that's a monster truck. Get your eyes checked.
MIKI: Look at its lisence plate!
(Sure enough, the word BALROG is written as the lisence plate number)
GANDALF: Well, I'll be damned.
LEON: Run, you imbeciles!
(Everyone begins to run from the monster truck. Inside the monster truck, a familiar figure clutches the wheel while trying to see what he's doing)
DIOS: How else did you think I was gonna get into this thing?! Curse my eternal youth! I'm too short to see where I'm going!
(The truck is swerving this way and that as the party runs from it)
UTENA: You know, it's not exactly going all that fast. Can we slow down?
GANDALF: Sure. Why not?
(The group slows to a power walk while the monster truck careens this way and that and rolls over a few times)
DIOS: I don't know what I'm doing, but it sure is fun! WAAAHOOOO!!!
(The party finally encounters the one-meter-wide bridge with no railings)
UTENA: I guess we'll just have to cross it!
SAM: I HATE heights, massa Utena! (FRRRAAAAAPPPP)
MIKI: (Grabbing his/her nose) Argh! That's all the motivation I need! (Runs across the bridge without a care)
TOUGA/NANAMI: Same here! (Repeat Miki's movements)
GIMLI: Just don't look down... Don't look down... Don't look... Aw, crap.
ANSHI: Don't worry, I'll help you. (A huge boxing glove shoots out of her stomach and catapults Gimli to the other side)
LEON: Hurry up, you idiot. (Throws Anshi over his shoulder and runs across)
ANSHI: Oooh! I'm a sack of potatoes!
(Sam, Juri and Utena cross over. Gandalf stays halfway across the bridge and glares at the approaching monster truck)
UTENA: Gandalf, what're you doing?!
JURI: Whatever he's doing, I don't think he has a planned retirement.
ANSHI: Maybe he worked at Enron.
GANDALF: (Yelling to the monster truck) You can't cross this bridge! It's too narrow!
DIOS: Bridge? What bridge? I don't see any-
(The monster truck's metal body lands on the bridge. It tilts to the side and slides off, taking most of the bridge with it. Gandalf is dangling from what's left of the bridge)
UTENA: Gandalf!!!
GANDALF: Fly, you fools!
SAM: Oh, this ain't good at all... (FRRRAAAAAPPPP)
GANDALF: Oh, GOD! See a specialist, Sam!!! (Uses both hands to cover his nose and then remembers gravity. Gandalf plummets into the dark pit)
UTENA: GANDAAAAAAAALLLLFFF!!!
GANDALF: (As he's falling) Don't worry! I'll be back in Book Twooooooooooo...
JURI: Practice your screaming lessons later. We gotta get outta here!

TOUGA: Well, I can safely say... that sucked.
JURI: Farewell, Gandalf!
NANAMI: Actually, it's not a big loss.
UTENA: What do you mean, not a big loss?! That was the kindest, sweetest, most deadly magician that ever lived! How can you say it's not a big loss?!
NANAMI: I've got his wallet. (Shows the wallet) See? It's got about 100 bucks, plus his credit card!
UTENA: ....Actually, now that you put it that way it isn't really that big a loss, is it?
MIKI: What do we do now?
LEON: Which way was MooMoo?
ANSHI: Let's see... (A compass comes out of her stomach and she studies it, then points off in a direction) That way.
LEON: Charming. Let's go! Maybe we'll get lucky and run into someone on the way.

JURI: Ohhh... So tired....
NANAMI: Don't think I can walk another step... So carry me! (Hops up into Touga's arms)
TOUGA: Hey, I'm draggin' my own weight. Get off! (Drops Nanami)
UTENA: Hey, do you guys hear something?
(Everyone listens. The sound of singing can be heard off in the distance)
ANSHI: Sounds like singing.
SAM: Why don't we check it out, massa Utena?
UTENA: Well, why not?
(The party walks towards the sound and ends up at the table where the Mad Hatter and the March Hare are sitting)
MAD HATTER/MARCH HARE: A very merry unbirthday to you, to you~
LEON: Oh, God... Not this... anything but this...
ANSHI: How cute!
NANAMI: Actually, not cute at all. Ugh! Disney... Urk.
HATTER: Now really, you must have a cup of tea with us!
UTENA: Actually, we were in a hur-
(The Mad Hatter and the March Hare both drag all 9 Fellowship members to the table. The party has no choice but to drink the tea)
JURI: Well, at least the tea's decent.
MIKI: I prefer the random iced drinks we usually get.
UTENA: (Sulking) I never got an iced drink.
MIKI: Sorry. You should have asked for one. (Clicks stopwatch)
HATTER: Hey, what's that?!
MIKI: What, this? (Shows the stopwatch)
NANAMI: Miki, you DON'T wanna do that-
HARE: Hey, this watch is slow!
MIKI: What? But-
HATTER: (Grabs stopwatch and pries the back open; fixes a saltshaker to his eye and looks down upon it, drenching it in salt in the process) Ah-HA! Here's the problem! (Grabs a fork and starts yanking out all the gears) There's all these little wheels in it!
MIKI: Hey, stop it!
HARE: Tea?
HATTER: Oh, yes. Tea. (Grabs the teapot and pours it all over the watch. Short-circuting sounds can be heard)
MIKI: STOP!!!
HARE: Butter?
HATTER: Of course! (Dumps the butter all over the watch)
MIKI: Gyaaaaaaagh!
HARE: Jam?
HATTER: Jam! Of course! Why didn't I think of that?! (Dumps entire jar of jam onto watch. Loud crackling sounds can be heard)
MIKI: NOOOO!!!
UTENA: My God, they're KILLING it!
HARE: Mustard?
HATTER: Mustard, yes, I... MUSTARD?! Don't let's be silly! (Throws the mustard and it hits Anshi)
ANSHI: (Licking her face) Mmm, grey poupon...
HATTER: There we go! (Slams watch shut and clicks the button. The watch begins to jump around the table, spewing food and sparks everywhere)
HARE: Mad watch! Mad watch!
TOUGA: (gets zapped) OW!
SAM: Keep it away from me!
JURI: (gets xapped) Gyargh!
HARE: There's only one way to stop a mad watch! (Smashes stopwatch with a hammer; it blows up. All that's left is a pile of cinders)
HATTER: ...Slow, that's the problem. (Shoves what's left back at Miki)
MIKI: .....(Starts crying) Oh, my beautiful watch... (SOB) ...And it was an unbirthday present, too...
LEON: Now don't you start too, Mik.
NANAMI: Let's get outta here.
(The party runs as fast as it can away from the tea party and gets attacked by a troupe of male elves with big bows)
GIMLI: Oh, crap.
UTENA: I'd say we're in trouble now.

NANAMI: Where are we now?
(A slender elf woman walks out from behind a curtain and looks over the travelers)
ELF WOMAN: Hey, big brother! Long time no see!~
MIKI: Oh, great.
ANSHI: What's wrong?
MIKI: Can't you tell? That's my sister, Kozue.
KOZUEDREIL: It's Kozuedreil as far as the script goes, Miki.
TOUGA: (Looks between Miki and Kozuedreil) ...I still think you're the cuter of the two of you, Miki.
MIKI: Will you shut up?!
KOZUEDREIL: Let's be serious for a moment. What're you guys doing walking through my forest?
UTENA: We needed to get through it to reach MooMoo.
KOZUEDREIL: MooMoo? Why're you going to MooMoo?
(In a nutshell, Utena and company explain why they're going to MooMoo and all the adventures they've had so far)
NANAMI: ...And that's when Miki's watch was destroyed, and then your elf grunts nabbed us.
KOZUEDREIL: Interesting... Well, why don't you all stay here tonight? It'll be enjoyable for all of us, I'm sure... (Winks at Sam)
SAM: I'm gonna throw up, massa Utena.
UTENA: It would be a welcome change from what you usually do.

TOUGA: This is Elfin wine, some of the best wine in Middle-Earth.
GIMLI: Lemme take a swig. (Gulps down the whole bottle) ...Tastes like vanilla. (BURRRP)
TOUGA: Hold on... (Looks at the bottle) Sorry, that WAS vanilla. (throws the bottle, which hits Nanami, and grabs another one) Here's the wine. (Gulps down a pint and starts to sway around) Hey... I feel pretty good now... Hey, pretty lady, wanna dance?...
GIMLI: I'm not the pretty lady. The pretty lady's over there. (Points at Miki)
TOUGA: Okayyyyy... (Saunters over towards Miki)
LEON: You're a cruel beast.
GIMLI: Oh, come now. I'm just adding some more humor.
TOUGA: (Slides into the chair across from Miki) Hey, beautiful... Is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cuz I can see myself in yer pants, eh heh heh...
MIKI: (Uses the Vulcan Nerve Pinch again and Touga hits the floor) Stupid. Wait a minute... Oh, I get it now! Heh heh heh. Not a bad pickup line, if I do say so myself.
NANAMI: Err, maybe we oughta get that guy some coffee...
ANSHI: What guy?
(Nanami points to Kyle, who's lying on the ground with booze dribbling out of his mouth and giggling crazily)
NANAMI: Kyle had himself another night of wine, women and song.
ANSHI: Gee, where've we heard that before?
UTENA: Who invited him, anyway?
(Suddenly, Jessica appears)
JESSICA: Hey, have you seen Kyle?
UTENA: Yeah, he's right- (Gawks at Jessica)
JESSICA: What?
UTENA: (Going red) Errr, nothing.
(Suddenly, Touga stumbled over, drooling and chuckling like a loon)
TOUGA: Hey, cat lady... Interestin' chassis... What's under the hood? Rrraow!
JESSICA: Urrrgh! (Uses the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Touga hits the ground again)
NANAMI: Waiter, two cups of coffee, please!
(Kozuedreil walks up to the stage at the end of the square and turns on the microphone)
KOZUEDREIL: Hello! In honor of our special guests, I believe I will contribute my own gift to the occasion...
MIKI: (Please, no, please, no...)
KOZUEDREIL: I will now play some music on my very own piano for you! (A piano is wheeled in)
MIKI: (Slaps his hands against his cheeks and does the Home Alone scream)
UTENA: What's the big deal? If she's anything like you, she'll play wonderfully.
JURI: You haven't been around Kozue a lot, have you?
(Kozue starts playing the most godawful piece of crap this side of the music industry; everyone covers their ears in a futile attempt to keep the sound out)
UTENA: ARRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!
NANAMI: MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!!
SAM: I'M GONNA- (FRRRRRAAAAAAAAAP)
ANSHI: I like it!
MIKI: That's it! The madness must end! (Runs up and straps a rocket to the piano. He runs back and hits the launch button. The piano goes flying up into the sky. The rocket explodes and the piano drops out of sight; everyone applauds)
KOZUEDREIL: Yay! I'm as popular as Liberace!
LEON: This is just pathetic.
UTENA: I wonder where that piano landed, anyway?

AKIO: Looks like I had to cut the budgets of a few more after-school programs, but I got myself a brand new car! I love its ruby-red luster and white stripes! Truly a masterpiece. (Sips his drink) Ahh, mango juice.
(As soon as the words 'mango juice' come out of his mouth, Kozuedreil's piano comes crashing down onto the car, shattering everything. The car mysteriously exploded afterwards)
AKIO: (Screams like a girl in frustration)

KOZUEDREIL: Miki! You wrecked my piece!
LEON: Yeah, well, you wrecked my ears.
KOZUEDREIL: (Blushes) Ooh! Who's your friend, big bro? He's soooo handsome...~
MIKI: Run, Leon, while you still can.
KOZUEDREIL: By the way, Miki, where'd you get the melons?
MIKI: Melons? (Looks down) Oh, these... It's just for the film.
JURI: (sexily) Are you so sure?...
MIKI: Heh heh heh... Errr... Anyway, Kozuedreil, do you know how to get to MooMoo?
KOZUEDREIL: Yeah. Just keep going through the forest and cross the big river with the statues of the weird guys on both sides.
MIKI: I see... Hey... (Stoops down and picks up a paper clip) What's this?
(As Miki grasps the paper clip, a new piano is rolled in. Miki sits down and starts to plunk out a few keys. After a moment's consideration, he launches into 'The Sunlit Garden' and plays it in several variations before he stops; ravenous applause from the audience)
MIKI: I found it! I FOUND IT!!!
UTENA: What did you find, Miki?
MIKI: See it? SEE IT? (Shows Utena the paper clip) I found my shining thing!!!
UTENA: ???
MIKI: It's the shining thing that makes my play the piano the best I can! I finally found it! After all these years of searching, I've FINALLY FOUND IT!!!
ANSHI: Good. Maybe he'll stop hitting on me now.
MIKI: Like that'll ever happen! Stand back, folks!
(Miki sits back down and performs several more pieces flawlessly, including 'Rhapsody in Blue,' 'Beethoven's 5th,' 'Jupiter,' 'Turkish Walz,' the 'X-Files' theme song, the 'Utena' theme song and the music for that beginning animation in Mega Man X6 with accompanying singing)
MIKI: I AM THE MAN!!!... Sort of.
(Miki runs over to Touga and nudges him)
MIKI: Touga! Touga! Look, I found my shining thing!
TOUGA: Nice can, baby...
(Miki sighs and Nerve Pinches him again; Touga crashes back onto the table)
KOZUEDREIL: Can we go to bed now?

UTENA: Oh, hi, Kozuedreil.
KOZUEDREIL: You think you came here on your own, but the water is calling you...
UTENA: Huh?
KOZUEDREIL: Look into the water.
UTENA: OK... (Weirdo...)
(Utena looks into the water and sees several horrific visions; the destruction of the Shire, the enslavement of the Hobbits, the Olsen Twins making more movies, and then a big, flaming tongue. Utena begins to lean forward)
KOZUEDREIL: Don't touch the water! I just got that pool sterilized.
UTENA: Huh? Oh... (Backs away) Look, I don't want the Ring anymore. You want it, Kozue?
KOZUEDREIL: Me? (Suddenly she changes the color of a photo negative) INSTEAD OF A KING YOU SHALL HAVE A QUEEN THAT CAN'T PLAY THE PIANO BUT HAS SEVERAL OTHER NOTEWORTHY TALENTS I WON'T GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT!!! (Reverts to normal color and starts panting) ...I passed... the test...
UTENA: What was that all about?
KOZUEDREIL: Beats me. Lissen, I can't take the ring. Go chuck it in the volcano like you wanted.
UTENA: Aww, nuts...

KOZUEDREIL: Good luck, guys.
EVERYONE: Thanks, Kozuedreil.
KOZUEDREIL: Oh, and Miki, try to get rid of those things, huh? They kinda turn me off...
MIKI: Errrrr... What does that mean?
KOZUEDREIL: (Snapping out of her reverie) Oh, never mind.
TOUGA: Don't worry, Kozue. I'll take GOOD care of Miki, heh heh heh...
(Miki is about to administer the Nerve Pinch when Juri stops him/her)
JURI: You pinch him, you carry him.
MIKI: Oh.
(The group packs up and heads for the forest's exit)

CHAPTER 10
SCENE 9- THE BIG FIGHT SCENE AT THE END OF THIS MOVIE
(The Fellowship members are in two boats and rowing down a river)
JURI: We're getting close to MooMoo. I can feel it...
NANAMI: Hey, look! There's Three Stooges Monument.
(Everyone looks. On one side of the river is a statue of Curly. On the other side are statues of Moe and Larry. Each one is poking the other two's eyes)
UTENA: I kind of wish they'd have made a monument of more interesting people...
TOUGA: Like who? Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton?
UTENA: Actually, that's exactly what I was thinking. They could be boxing!
TOUGA: Hey, we're starting to think alike. We must be soul mates. Gimme a kiss!
UTENA: (Sigh) Miki, some assistance, please...
MIKI: My pleasure. (Steers his/her boat over until it's paralell with Utena's boat and Nerve Pinches Touga)
UTENA: THANK you.
JURI: Three Stooges? Ooh! I know them! Hey, Gimli! Who's on first?
GIMLI: That's Abbott and Costello.
JURI: Whatever.
(Finally, the group parks their boats on the side of a huge waterfall and go to have lunch)
ANSHI: Yay! Picnic!
TOUGA: Yeah, we've got all sorts of stuff here.
NANAMI: Like what?
TOUGA: Let's see... Ham, pickles, chicken, peanut butter, Tato Skins, root beer, Lucky Charms, ice, apple juice, orange juice, mango juice-
(As soon as Touga says 'mango juice,' Akio's car , which is parked nearby for some reason, is hit by a huge tree. Akio walks on camera and screams like a girl in frustration, then leaves)
TOUGA: ...........Grape juice, carrot juice, roasted shrimp, peeled shrimp, sauteed shrimp, fried shrimp, pineapple shrimp, baby shrimp, spanish shrimp...

TOUGA: Bageled shrimp, jellied shrimp... That's it, I guess.
NANAMI: (YAWN) Well... Who's in the mood for shrimp?

CHUCHU: One of the halflings has the Ring. Catch them. Kill the others if you want.
FURBYS: Whoopee!
HAMBURGLARS: Robble robble!

LEON: You know, we could use that Ring for lots of purposes...
UTENA: If you wanted to become an evil mastermind, I suppose.
LEON: I could use it to win my country back from Chuchu the Purple!
UTENA: Uh-huh. Lissen, would you mind picking up some of those twigs over there?
LEON: You don't get it, do you, you pink-haired peasant?! Give me the Ring!
UTENA: Huh? (Utena tries to move, but Leon already has his hand in her shirt rummaging around for the Ring) Hey, get your dirty mitts offa me!
LEON: Hand it over! Ooh, soft...
UTENA: NO! (She pulls out the spork Saionji gave her and pokes him in the eye with it)
LEON: AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!
(Utena takes the opportunity to put on the Ring and run away)
LEON: Hey Utena, where'd you go? Evil overtook me for a moment, but I'll all right now! Utena! UTENA!
(Utena runs down to the boats and hops into one and starts to row away. Suddenly, Sam appears)
SAM: Massa Utena, wait for me!
(Sam leaps into the water and starts to drown because he can't swim. He thrashes about underwater in a beautifully choreographed scene. Bubbles from his flatulence form a huge froth on the surface of the water. Utena sits in the boat and looks at her watch)
UTENA: Five minutes... OK, that's enough. (Hauls Sam out and dumps him in the boat) What the hell are you thinking?!
SAM: I wanna go with you, massa Utena! Gandalf said 'Sam Gamgee, don't you let 'er outta your sight,' an' that's just what I'm gonna do!
UTENA: Good grief. Well, I suppose having you along wouldn't hurt... Your gas probably would scare all the bad guys away.
SAM: Thank you, massa Utena! I'm so happy! (FRRRRAAAAAP)
UTENA: Please, you don't have to be so joyful... Argh... And it happens to be a day without much wind.

NANAMI: Ahh, this sandwich sucks. Why couldn't we have stopped at McDonald's?
(A Hamburglar appears out of the bushes)
HAMBURGLAR: Robble robble!
ANSHI: I guess you got your wish!
COMMANDING FURBY: Get the halflings! Whoopee! Whee! Kill the others! Me hungry! Yummm...
(The monsters attack the group and capture Nanami and Anshi)
NANAMI: Help! I'm being stolen!
ANSHI: I guess duelists aren't the only ones that want me. Whee!
JURI: Crap, they got 'em.
TOUGA: Let's fight these guys and get 'em off our case!
MIKI: Bring 'em on! There's enough of Miki to go around!
GIMLI: That just didn't sound right.
JURI: You're right! (Strikes the classic Sailor Moon pose) In the name of the Moon, let's punish 'em!... Why does that sound so familiar?
(A huge fight ensues. Touga knocks down the Hamburglars with his bow, while Juri and Miki slash away with their dueling sword and Gimli with an axe, but the forces of Chuchu are overwhelming and the group is soon surrounded)
TOUGA: Great, we're toast.
MIKI: Oh, and I always thought I'd go out like the great musicians of the modern age; I'd OD on some popular drug and be found dead in the bathtub... Oh, hey, boss.
(Akio has somehow gotten mixed up in the fight and is trapped with the others inside the huge circle of enemies)
AKIO: Why am I stuck here? I wasn't fighting. Hey, would you let me off if I slept with all of you?
HAMBURGLARS: ROBBLE ROBBLE!!!
AKIO: Errr... Guess not. Man, I must be losing my touch.
JURI: All is not lost! I have an idea! (Grabs a cell phone and dials up a number) Hello? Yeah, it's Juri. Lissen, remember that favor you owe me? I'm callin' it in. You can track my position with that satellite of yours. OK? See you in a few minutes. (Hangs up the phone)
MIKI: Who'd you call?
JURI: Oh, just an old friend that gave me a summer to remember.
GIMLI: Errrrr...
JURI: What? We went to a huge weapon sale! What were you thinking, you sick little pervert dwarf?!
(The Hamburglars and Furbys are about to attack and kill the group when Rei (Neon Genesis Evangelion) appears. She looks at all the monsters and they all melt into orange goo and vanish)
MIKI: You sure know some interesting people, Juri.
JURI: Thanks, Rei.
AKIO: (Winking) Hey, there. My name's Akio.
(Rei looks at Akio and he melts into a puddle of orange goo as well)
JURI: Rei!!!
REI: Sorry.
TOUGA: I'm glad I didn't say it.
(Suddenly, very loud, twinkly music begins to play from another part of the forest)
GIMLI: The ice cream truck of Leon! He's in trouble!
(Miki, Touga and Gimli charge off in the direction of the ice cream truck's music; Juri turns back to Rei before he/she follows them)
JURI: Thanks!
REI: No problem. Hey, maybe we could go weapon shopping again sometime! I heard they've got a big sale on EVAs right now.
JURI: Err... No thanks. (Vanishes into the pushes)

LEON: Ughhh... So greasy... Urrrgh...
(Suddenly, Leon gets up and turns on the siren on his ice cream truck, which is parked nearby for some reason. He then starts attacking the monsters as hard as he can, regardless of the 50-some fries that have embedded themselves in his skin)
LEON: Hyah! Hyah! HYAAAAHHH!!!
(Just as he finishes off the last Hamburglar, a huge Grimmis appears and flattens him by jumping on him. This is when Juri appears)
JURI: Leon!
GRIMMIS: Duh, now it's your turn, Ronald!
JURI: "Ronald?"
(Juri runs her sword through Grimmis, who grabs it and starts to drag her towards him. She pulls out a Subway sandwich and throws it into his mouth. He pops and yellow fat goes flying everywhere)
JURI: Ewwww... So that's what was inside of him all along...
TOUGA: That's what you get when you live on Mickey D's... or should I say Miki D's?
MIKI: I resent that.
LEON: Ugh... Juri... (COUGH)
JURI: Yeah, Leon?
LEON: I tried to take the Ring... (GAG)... But Utena got away... Sorry 'bout that... (HACK)... OK, I'm dead now. (Flops over)
GIMLI: He was such a fine soldier.
MIKI: Hey, let's stick him in a boat and send him over the waterfall!
(Gimli, Miki, Juri and Touga throw Leon's body in a boat and push it over the falls)
TOUGA: Godspeed, Leon. Godspeed.
(Suddenly, Sailor Mercury comes whizzing down the river on a raft as a motor boat full of sumo wrestlers follow her)
MERCURY: You'll never take me alive! Hup!
(Mercury leaps to land as the motor boat of sumos goes over the falls. Lots of Japanese profanities follow)
MIKI: Are you quite finished?
MERCURY: Yeah, yeah, don't get your ears in a tangle. (Vanishes)
JURI: I can't quite put my finger on it, but that girl's voice sounded very familiar...
SAILOR MOON: Yes, very familiar indeed.
GIMLI: Where'd you come from?
MOON: Me? Oh, I materialize at the end of every Lord of the Rings parody.
TOUGA: Hey, would you like some shrimp? We have plenty left over.
MOON: I LOVE shrimp! What kinds do you have?!
JURI: (Clamping Touga's mouth shut) Don't get him started.
MIKI: Whatever the case, we need to go rescue Anshi and Nanami from those Hamburglars and Furbys.
GIMLI: What about Utena and Sam?
JURI: Oh, screw them. Let's go!
EVERYONE: OK! (Juri, Miki, Touga, Gimli, Sailor Moon and Rei all run off down the forest path)
UTENA: Well, Sam, this is it...
SAM: I'm ready, massa Utena.
(Utena and Sam walk off towards the huge land of MooMoo, where the bovines lie)

CHAPTER 11
SNEAK PREVIEWS
(The lights come on to show Juri and Miki, both restored to their usual genders, sitting in folding chairs)
MIKI: Hello there. I'm Miki.
JURI: And I'm Juri. We're here to show you some previews for some shiny new crossovers comin' your way in the Utena universe. Oh, and FYI, we were successfully able to reverse the processes of the Tolkien 5000.
MIKI: Well, mostly... (Miki pulls up his shirt to reveal an ear stuck in his stomach)
JURI: Good lord, is that an ear?!
MIKI: (Wincing) Not so loud!
JURI: ...Right. Anyway, here's some great clips from some of our new crossovers that hopefully we'll be releasing sooner or later (probably later). First off, here's Utena and Anshi as we merge with 'Titanic' to create 'Big Ship, Bigger Ice Cube!'

UTENA: I'll never let go, Anshi... I'll never let go!
ANSHI: This deck is where we first met...
UTENA: Hello?! Oh, God, my hand itches! (Lets go of Anshi and starts scratching at her hand madly) There we go... Anshi? Anshi? Oh, CRAP!

MIKI: Oh, how touching. (Sniffles and blows his nose on a handkerchief)
JURI: Right. Not a dry eye on the 'net, I assume.
MIKI: Next up, here's Touga in 'Forrest Grump.'

TOUGA: Mah name's Gump. Touga Gump. People like to call me Touga Gump. Life is like a box o' random iced drinks... ya never know when you'll get the mango juice.
(A huge tree snaps and falls onto a guy behind him)
TOUGA: See?

JURI: I've never understood what the whole mango juice gag was about.
MIKI: Neither do I, but isn't it great? OK, up next, here's myself, Utena and Saionji in 'Indiana Mik; Bandits of the Big Shiny Box with Religious Significance.'

MIKI: Close your eyes, Utena.
UTENA: You're not gonna try anything funny, are you?
MIKI: Come ON. Keep your eyes shut!
UTENA: All right... (Both shut their eyes)
SAIONJI: All right, let's open this puppy up! (Takes a crowbar and pops the top of the box; Rei pops up)
REI: Hello again!
SAIONJI: Oh, nuts.
(Within seconds, the entire Nazi brigade is reduced to a Tang-like substance; Utena and Miki open their eyes)
UTENA: That was surprising.
MIKI: It's better than having a bunch of guys be reduced to skeletons through a cheesy claymation scene. Take 5, Rei!
REI: You got it! (Vanishes)
UTENA: You could have asked her to untie us.
MIKI: Relax, I have a plan. (Clicks stopwatch) the radioactive glow-in-the-dark substance on my watch will burn through the rope.
UTENA: We'll be stuck here forever...
MIKI: You have a point. Wanna make out?
UTENA: How do we do that? We're tied up back to back.
MIKI: Relax. We'll just stick out our tongues and pretend the other one is frenching us.
UTENA: Well, all right... (Miki and Utena stick their tongues out and lash them around while the stopwatch burns away at the rope)

JURI: I can't wait to see that one come out. (Snickers cruelly)
MIKI: Laugh while you can, Juri. This next one is pretty good too. Here's Akio and Dios in 'Dude, Where's my Akio Car?'

DIOS: Where's your car, dude?
AKIO: I dunno. Let's try asking the Chinese place. Hey, have you seen my car?
SPEAKER: And then?
AKIO: ...And then you can tell me if you've seen it.
SPEAKER: And then?
AKIO: ...And then you tell me where you saw it.
SPEAKER: And then?
AKIO: And then I can go and get it.
SPEAKER: And then?
AKIO: Lissen, man, I'm the dean of Ohtori Academy! You say 'and then' one more time and I'll put my fingers in your nose and rip it off your face!
SPEAKER: ....................................AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN!!!!!
AKIO: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! (Rips the speaker out of the board and bites a huge chunk out of it, electrocuting himself in the process. He teeters backwards and falls down)
DIOS: ...Could I get some mango juice?
(A tree falls on the speaker; more sparks and sizzling)
SPEAKER: ...And then?....
(Dios and Akio sweatdrop and hang their heads)

MIKI: Yes, that was... interesting. And lastly, here's a compilation of the four Batman movies entitled 'Batena For a Long Long Time.' In this scene we have Nanami, Utena and... Juri.
JURI: AAAAHHH!!! You said you weren't gonna show this!!!
MIKI: I lied.

NANAMI: Hey kid, stop that! Wak wak wak! I have a name! It is Nanami Cobblepot!
ROBIN: Oh, shut up. I'm not obliged to be nice to you; this is my only movie with you guys.
JURI: You gonna try to shoot me? I've got nine lives, ya know, meow.
(Evil industry guy shoots twice, hitting Juri both times)
JURI: Four... five... still alive...
UTENA: What're you yammering about? You've just got a bulletproof vest on.
JURI: Shut up, batchick, before I claw your eyes out.
UTENA: Ya know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
JURI: Saying 'invest in Enron' can be even deadlier if you really mean it.
(The industrty guy shoots again)
JURI: Are you still here? (Grabs industry guy and fries him on an electric circut)
UTENA: So much for him.
NANAMI: Ow! OW! Stop hurting my penguins, wak wak wak!!!
ROBIN: You looked better as a cow, sis. HYAH!
(Knocks Nanami down; penguins go and slide her body into the water and she floats off down the sewer channel)
UTENA: Oh, how sad. (Everyone turns and starts to leave)
NANAMI: (Yelling from deep in the sewer) I'M NOT DEAD!!!
JURI: Oh, I can still hear her voice on the winds... Oh, well. Let's neck, Batena!
(Suddenly, Juri steps on her costume's tail and it all rips off; Juri screams and jumps into the water to hide and then leaps out again really fast)
JURI: AAAAAHHHH!!! There's a dead clown down there! Hide me! (Hides behind Utena, who sighes and shakes her head)
(Suddenly, Touga leaps on screen dressed as The Joker)
TOUGA: Didja ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?!
UTENA/JURI/ROBIN: GET LOST!!!

MIKI: Heh heh heh heh... That was rich.
JURI: You idiot! I told you I didn't want that one shown!
MIKI: You think you have it rough? Wait'll you see me as Two-Face, or Saionji as Mr. Freeze.
JURI: Can we just get to the voting part now? *(see Mika’s little disclaimer)
MIKI: Oh, fine. Lissen up, reviewers. You now have the chance to choose which one of these possible crossovers you'd like to see occur! Just enter one of these numbers in with your review and we'll tally up the votes on May 1st, 2002. Here's the numbers for the choices...
1- Big Ship, Bigger Ice Cube
2- Forrest Grump
3- Indiana Mik; Bandits of the Big Shiny Box with Religious Significance
4- Dude, Where's My Akio Car?
5- Batena For a Long Long Time
6- Get rid of these fanfics and stick to writing Digimon crap

JURI: Yes, be sure to vote for one of these six choices. Thank you and good night.
(The lights shut off)
JURI: Dammit Miki, I told you not to run that clip!
MIKI: I can't help it if the director thought it was funny.
JURI: Why you little! (Strangling sounds for about six seconds) ......Hey, you DO feel like a girl in the dark.
MIKI: I told you.
JURI: ...........(After a moment's pause, the sound of a chair falling over and gasps of pleasure can be heard as well as a lot of things being knocked over and glass breaking)
UTENA: (Listening in on the room) Well, that's it, I guess.
NANAMI: We'll just have to wait for all the votes to be counted.
TOUGA: Don't worry. May will creep up like NOTHING. (Sips random ice drink) Ahh, mango juice.
UTENA/NANAMI: WAIT!!! DON'T SAY-
(A loud snapping and a CRASH can be heard from the school parking lot)
AKIO: TOUGA!!!!!
TOUGA: Ummmm... (Starts talking with an accent) Mine name is Jürgen, Ich am von de Sviss Alps, I know NUTZINK!
(Meanwhile, back in the dark room)
JURI: (MUNCH, SLURP, SMACK).... Hey, do you get the feeling someone else is in here?
MIKI: Yeah, actually... Hey, who's in here!
TAICHI KAMIYA: Ummm, nobody!
SORA TAKENOUCHI: Errr, we're just tryin' to DNA-Digivolve again!
MIKI: Oh, for the love of pete.

CHAPTER 12
SOME OTHER STUPID CLIPS- A TRIBUTE TO SPIKE JONES
(The scene opens up on Kozue and Saionji sitting in folding chairs)
KOZUE: Hello. I'm Kozue and this is Saionji. We're here to show you some of the silly crossovers that you might have seen but weren't good enough to make a real story out of.
SAIONJI: What you said.
KOZUE: Starting out, we have Anshi and Miki in "Superman..."
SAIONJI: This ought to be rich.

(Scene changes to show the inside of the Daily Planet building. Anshi is sitting at one of the reporter desks when the phone rings)
ANSHI: Hello? Yes, this is Lois Lane... What? You say the mad scientist has a new machine that will dry up the ocean, flood the deserts, destroy the sun, blow up the world AND give a perm?! Woah! This is the biggest scoop ever! This is a job for Superman!
(Miki enters in his usual clothing except for the new set of glasses he's wearing)
ANSHI: Clark Kent?! Why're you just standing there? Ohh, sometimes I can't tell whether you're a moron or an idiot!
MIKI: I'm just one big enigma, aren't I?
ANSHI: Oh, you... You're just a big nothing! Oh, if only Superman were here!
MIKI: (Looks around) Will you excuse me for a second? I need some water.
(Quick as a wink, Miki flies out the door and returns in blue spandex with a red M stamped on the front)
ANSHI: (Gets glassy-eyed and blushy) Oh, SUPERMAN! Thank goodness you're here! Superman, the mad scientist has melted the US fleets with his ray gun, demolished Las Vegas with his new bomb and liquidated 50,000 people with his new rocket gun!
MIKI: Duhhhh... Accidents'll happen!
(Anshi sweatdrops and hangs her head)

SAIONJI: Lovely. That girl needs to be slapped more often.
KOZUE: According to you, EVERYONE needs to be slapped more often. OK, next up, here's Nanami, Juri and some dog we found on the street in "Annie Roonie."
SAIONJI: What, are we trying to look like we're stuck in 1940?

NANAMI: (Sobbing) Ohhhh... Gosh, Zero! Here we are stuck back at Mrs. Meanie's orphanage! It's cold in here, there's nothing to eat, no blankets on the bed... But gee willikers, Zero, I feel glad all over!!! How do you feel, Zero?
DOG: Urrrrrgh... Woof.
NANAMI: Shh! Zero... Here comes Mrs. Meany now!
(The door opens and Juri walks in with her hair notted into an ugly bun and thick glasses perched on her face)
JURI: Annie Roonie, you sickly stifling skinny little brat! Look at you, sitting there doing nothing, and after all I've done for you! And Zero, you worthless little cur, what's bothering you?!
DOG: Ruff ruff! There's a flea in me butthole!
JURI: (Gasps) Why you no-good little mongrel! I oughta-
NANAMI: No, no! Mrs. Meanie, stop! Zero loves you! Tell Mrs. Meanie how much you love her, Zero.
DOG: Ruff ruff! Leeeet me caaaalll you Redheart~
JURI: AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!

SAIONJI: That made absolutely no sense at all.
KOZUE: Fine, fine, we get the point. You hate everything. OK, next up are Touga and Mikage in "Lone Ranger!"
SAIONJI: Can't we find something... oh, I don't know... NOT OLD to do?!
KOZUE: It's not my fault you were absent from the crossover polling the day we voted.

TOUGA: HEI-OH, SILVERRR!!! WOAH, SILVER! WOAH! WOAAAAHHHH!!!
(The horse bucks and sends Touga crashing through the saloon's window; he staggers back out and pulls a huge chunk of glass out of his arm)
TOUGA: Ugh. That's more like it. Hey you, we're gonna find that no-good ornery cattle-rustlin' desperado Toxic Ted!
(Mikage appears, also dressed as a cowboy)
MIKAGE: Did I hear someone mention my name?
TOUGA: So, YOU'RE the notorious Toxic Ted! Well, I'm the Lone Ranger and you don't look so tough to me.
MIKAGE: Oh, no? (Rolls up his sleeve) See this scar?
TOUGA: Yeah.
MIKAGE: Gunfight, 1864. See THIS scar?
TOUGA: Yeah.
MIKAGE: Gunfight, 1865.
TOUGA: That's nothing. (Pulls up his shirt) See this scar?
MIKAGE: Yeah.
TOUGA: Appendicitis, 1998!

SAIONJI: That... was pathetic.
KOZUE: (How'd I ever get stuck working with this attractive meathead?) OK, last one, folks. Here's Utena and Akio in "Dick Tracy."
SAIONJI: Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
KOZUE: Shut up, will ya?!

(Scene changes to an abandoned warehouse. Utena is dressed in a yellow hat and rainslicker and tied to some boxes in the corner)
UTENA: What'm I gonna do?! I'm trapped in this abandoned ol' warehouse and I've GOTTA get help! My only chance is my two-way radio wristwatch! Lemme turn it on...
(Utena pokes at the device on her arm. It fizzles and pops and weird sounds come out of it for about thirty seconds)
UTENA: ...What'd I get? Ah, well. Dick Tracy calling! Tracy calling! Come in, Chief Brandon! (Sobbing) Chief Brandon, pleeeeease come in...
RADIO WRISTWATCH: Super suds super suds lots more suds from super suuuuuuuuds~
UTENA: There goes my last hope down the drain. (Her ears perk up) Oh, no, now what do I do? I can hear footsteps coming! I wonder if it could be Mumbles, or maybe Shakey? Maybe it's Hemrhoid Man!
(Akio enters dressed as a 1920's gangster)
AKIO: AH HA HA HA! HO HO HO HO! HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!
UTENA: ...It's Giggles!
AKIO: HOO HOO HOO HOO! Well, Tracy, looks like I've got ya right where I want ya! HEE HAAA HAA HAA HAAA!!!
UTENA: What're ya plannin' to do with me, HEE HEE HEE HAA HAAA?!
AKIO: HO HO HO HA HA! I'm gonna give you the torture to end all tortures! Let him have it, Sam! Turn on the CD!
(A CD player turns on in front of Utena and plays the worst possible thing you can imagine. Utena recoils and screams)

SAIONJI: OK, that had to be the best one.
KOZUE: Wow! That's high praise coming from you.
SAIONJI: I do what I can. Still, I wonder what that awful thing was that Giggles was torturing Tracy with?
TOOTSIE-POP ANNOUNCER: The world may never know.
SAIONJI: Oh, shut up. (Sips his drink) Ahh, mango juice.
KOZUE: I'm outta here.
(Kozue gets up and leaves the room as a locomotive engine falls on it)

*Mika’s little disclaimer: This section was included because I thought it was funny (even if it isn’t exactly up to date anymore) The voting is over, and Ker-plop will be writing another crossover fic. Yay! (cuz if he doesn’t he won’t be getting FF Tactics back anytime soon)