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Breaking Free 

From the Stronghold of

Lesbianism

"Commemorate this day, the day you came out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery, because the Lord brought you out of it with a mighty hand." 

My first exposure to lesbianism was in the tenth grade. In my mind I knew that homosexuality existed, but I had never really been exposed to it until then.

Their names were, well, lets call them Nina & Terri. Terri was an extremely intriguing ‘butch’ female who was a lesbian. Nina was her attractive feminine girlfriend. I would see them in the hallways engaging in the type of exchanges that took place in all normal relationships. I would see Terri carrying Nina’s bags for her. I would even see them holding hands, hugging and kissing in the hallways, like in any normal relationship. Only this relationship wasn’t normal in my world. This was something new to me. Something new that seemed to connect with something inside of me. It resonated in my soul as the answer to a question that I had been trying to solve for so very long. This relationship between them wasn’t normal, but in my eyes it was superior to what I had deemed to be normal up until this point.

I observed them from a distance, in admiration, as well as in total terror due to the uncertainty of what my pre-occupation was implying. I automatically began verbally denouncing homosexuality and voiced my disgust and puzzlement about their way of life. Being a 'Christian', I knew that homosexuality was not part of God’s plan for us. So I did my best to convince myself as well as the people around me that it was sin and that it was wrong.

I succeeded in my state of denial until my eleventh grade year. I silently battled with thoughts and visions, doubts and confusion about my sexuality and about God.  I finally shared my struggle with my best friend, and she shared with me that she had been having the same struggle. We both knew, but we weren’t sure, so we didn’t want to risk telling each other something that personal for fear of rejection.

Like many others, I tried to resolve my dilemma by praying and going to church. One reason was because I knew that it wasn’t a part of God’s will for me to live my life as a lesbian. Another reason was because I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want this curse. I cried out to God to take the desires and tormenting thoughts away from me. But nothing seemed to change.

On the other hand, I also felt like I would be much happier if I stopped trying to resist this path that seemed to have inevitably chosen me. If I would just go with the flow, and let whatever happens, just happen. God would still love me right? If He wanted me to be different, then He would change me, right? And He didn’t seem to be trying to change me, so maybe I needed to stop trying to change myself. So eventually I did.

Earlier I stated, “ It resonated in my soul as the answer to the question that I had been trying to solve for so very long.” What was this question that seemed to plague me? There were actually many questions.

Why do I feel so different and almost inferior to other females? Why is it that all of the ‘butterflies’ that other girls seem to get when they’re with a guy seem to fly right past me? Why is it that when I kiss my boyfriend, he seems to be the only one getting anything out of it? Why do I not even have the desire to indulge in anything sexual with a guy? Why am I sooo not in to all the things that every other female around me seems to be into? Why is it something about some females that seems to be so intriguing and mesmerizing to me? Why do I feel so uncomfortable around other females?  I’ve felt like something was different about me all of my life, but I’d never been able to figure it out.

After my “exposure” if you will, all of these questions set itself up in my mind as arguments, all pointing towards one answer. Each one of these arguments were valid questions, and in need of a legitimate answer. And this was the first and only answer that felt right to me.

My attraction towards females didn’t start off as being sexual. My admiration was more focused on other attributes. Females seemed to have much more depth to them than guys did. I could just look at a guy and have one short conversation with him and basically know everything there was to know. But females had the ability to command my mental attention. Another thing was that I never could really emotionally connect to a guy. But when I started getting involved with females, I could hardly restrain the emotional connection I had with them. A female’s appearance was more intriguing to me than guys’ were.  A sexual attraction towards females gradually developed from all of this, and was pretty much etched in stone after my first physical encounter with a female.

Remember my best friend who shared this common struggle with me? I started to find myself increasingly attracted to her. She had an effect on me that couldn’t compare by far with anything that I had ever felt about any male. We already had an emotional connection as close friends, but I desired to experience her in even more of an intimate way. Our relationship at this point didn’t include anything physical. Not even normal hugs or anything that required touching. We barely even looked at each other when we were talking. I don’t know the reasoning behind her physical distance, but I know what my subconscious reason was.

When I was in the sixth grade, I had a best friend named “Tracy”. After graduation Tracy was moving from DC to Woodbridge, VA. Okay, that’s not really that far, but when you’re eleven years old, that seems like the other side of the world. It was at least a long distance phone call. So as you could imagine, we were both pretty broken up about it. At graduation, we believed that it was the last time that we would ever see each other (And it actually was). We gave each other a big goodbye hug. But her mother immediately grabbed “Tracy” and pulled her away, looking down at me as if I had just done the dirtiest thing in the world. And in my eleven-year-old mind, I believed that I did. I figured that there must be something wrong with hugging a female.

Once I got to Jr. High and started hearing the term ‘dyke’ thrown around, I resolved that I didn’t want anybody to even think that I was one. Whenever one of my friends would do as much as put their hand on my shoulder, I would shrug them off. Eventually they got the picture. But this also caused me to  isolate myself from even a healthy level of intimacy and interaction amongst other females. This is just one small example of the many, many things that I believe contributed to my condition.

As I got involved with females, I became more and more dependent. What started out as an emotional, mental connection with females turned more and more into a binding physical lust that began to permeate my thoughts. Even though I became increasingly bold in being open about my lifestyle in public, my feelings of inferiority to other females steadily increased as my femininity decreased.

I went through a series of highs and lows as I began to embrace this lesbian identity. The highs came as I began to feel like I had finally found my real identity. The highs came because I thoroughly enjoyed the excitement of ‘the life’. The highs came in my relationships, being held by another woman, being loved by another woman, and loving her back. But the lows came as well. The lows came with all of the drama that these relationships entailed. The lows came with the devastating breakups. The lows came when I would get glimpses of how I was hurting God, but knew that I didn’t have the power to change who I was. The lows would come when I would get by myself and realize that even though I was happy, and having the time of my life, that I really wasn’t truly happy and that who I was wasn’t who I was supposed to be.

After going away and coming home from my first semester of college, I was lonely and heartbroken to the point where my once sensitive, caring heart was hard. I met a female on a phone dating line that I found in the City Paper. I ended up having sex with her within a week. I felt so dirty. (the only person that I had sex with prior to this was my first girlfriend who I had known for years.) I wasn’t promiscuous like that, so this was a reality check for me. As I was in bed with this girl, I could hear God say to me “what are you doing here? Look how far you have fallen.” From that point, I knew that I had to return to God, but for the next few months, I allowed this girl to be my significance. After being crushed and mistreated by ex-girlfriends, my heart was so hard that I had no real feelings for her. But she was into me, and I was enjoying it. It was the first boost to my self-esteem that I ever had. I was miserable on the inside, but I was having the time of my life. I started to break my own personal standards. I started drinking and smoking even more.

During all of this, I could hear God’s voice louder and louder. I could barely even enjoy sex any more because I knew that God was calling me. I finally broke up with her, but only to end up right back with her again. For one, I didn’t truly believe that I could change.  And her going hysterical over me was feeding my deficient ego.

Then one day, my mother ran into a woman that used to be our hairdresser who was a lesbian. She told me that she had surrendered her life over to God and that she had turned away from the lesbian life. I had never heard of anyone who has gay successfully breaking free from that identity. But now I had living proof that it was possible. I became angry and even more rebellious because now I knew that I didn’t have any more excuses. I couldn’t say that change wasn’t possible, and I already knew that it was what God wanted.

Finally, one day after battling with myself and lashing out at God for allegedly ignoring my cries for help, I just fell to my knees and starting weeping profusely. And in the midst of my tears something in me broke. I said to God, "You win. I give up. I give my life to you. I can’t stand to be separated from you any longer. I can’t live in this bondage any longer. I’m ready and willing to give my life over to you.”    

I broke up with my girlfriend, for good this time. I went back to my old church, but I quickly discovered that I couldn't stay there. The church was filled with known homosexuality as well as other immorality, and nobody seemed to be getting deliverance. People ran around and danced and shouted, but nobody was living a holy life. Nobody seemed to be able to be real with me and help me. The pastor's messages vacillated between telling me I was going to be blessed one minute and telling me that I was going to hell the next, but never showing me how to live an upright life and how to get closer to God. So I left there, and I found a church unlike any other that I had ever witnessed. They accepted me for who I was, they promoted relationships and accountability, the word that was taught was understandable and peoples lives were changing. There were other people there who struggled with same sex attractions, but unlike at my old church, they were being transformed by the Word of God. My life as well began to change as I began to get a steady diet of God's word, as I developed relationships with other people, and as I grew in my personal relationship with Christ.

Some things in my heart changed immediately while some things continue to be a process of change. My spirit that had been deadened is now alive, and I can see things that I never saw before. While previously God was only my conscious and the reason I went to church on Sundays, now I was entering into a real relationship with Him. He's helped me to better understand the attractions that I was having, and how to walk in deliverance. And I also discovered that God’s intent was not simply to turn me from gay to straight, but to turn me from being separated from Him to being in an intimate relationship with Him first. Only then was God able to begin teaching me how to be in godly relationships with other males and females.

I ceased living my life as a lesbian and I no longer embrace that identity. I am now discovering my true identity in Christ; the person who God created me to be, and the life that He created me to live. This walk has by no means been an easy one, and my lesbian background hasn't been my only struggle. But having a relationship with the Lord can't compare to any other relationship on this earth. Walking with God, I know that I have the power of Christ, a purpose, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and a home with the Father when my soul leaves this earth. 

Christ said that “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life would lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.” Don’t be deceived. No matter what your situation may be, you can’t serve the world and God at the same time.  You must let go of one in order to grab hold of the other. You may stumble and fall in the process, but you have to let go of your past and trust God with your future. God wants to free you from your bondage. I was deceived for a while, but God has set me free and is sending me out to encourage  those that desire to know him and to escape deception and walk in the truth. 

Be Blessed!  

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