May 5, 2003 (1:06pm): Yeah, there's a been a distinct lack of updates here. It's mostly 'cause the website host I use hasn't been working, but there's also a great deal of just not caring. I don't have anything fun or interesting to say, so I haven't bothered.
Nevertheless, you should probably know what I've been up to lately. First, I joined this temp agency but as of yet haven't found work. Who knows why. I scored, and I'm not exaggerating, 100% on each of their little productivity and competency tests. No surprise, but it still doesn't get me work.
What else... I've had little ideas in my head, dozens of them, but have yet to act on a single one.
Have a good deal of money to send to school, but that too has yet to have been done.
Eh... You know, that's about it. TV, internet, food. All that other stuff in great abundance. I'm squarely and irrevocably unmotivated.
You know, some people are just wired differently. I don't know why, they just are. Hard work and monetary bonuses just aren't that important. But then what is? Who's to say. I haven't really gotten a clear image of it myself.
May 7, 2003 (4:46pm): From something I wrote yesterday:
"Disheartened, I walked to my old apartment. The second I stepped into the parking lot I was bombarded with all these strange old feelings and memories that I had, for better or worse, managed to forget. Isn't it odd how you can go so long as a certain person, then you leave and change, but then it only takes the smallest feeling to smash it all to bits? As I climbed up the stairs and walked through the door I... I dunno. I sort of detached from any conscious thought and just stood there in the middle of the living room, and everything the way it used to be was perfectly clear. Like a waterfall of memories going right through me. I don't know how long I stood there, then sort of wandered back and forth among the rooms, but it must have been a while. I half wished that I could physically pull back into that place everything that had gone on. My friends drinking and fooling around; the winter nights I would open the window and lean out, staring at blank snow canvases; scrubbing the same old bowl every night 'cause it was my favorite and I used it everyday; waking up to the same oldies station every morning for two years and hearing the same commercial just as I was brushing my teeth; and any number of a thousand things, mostly too small to recount, that I just refused to think about for so long.
"It felt so odd to go about the lonely business of clearing the place out. It was a final expression of 'Yes, this is it. I'm not here any more. This is not my home now.' I suppose for the last year or so I was just kidding myself. Living with my parents and all. I was on my own for two years, but then I had to move back in with my parents. It really was a loss of identity, then I went back today and did it again.
"But I finished half-heartedly cleaning up, signed out, and took one more look around. The best description I can give is the feeling you get when you try to do long division in your head. Maybe I'm just too sentimental, but I couldn't see clearly how I left the place with no sign I had ever lived there. I almost felt like putting up a plaque, for my own sake. I know the bulk of my memories will slip away again, permanently, so... Just feels wrong. They weren't earth-shattering, world-redefining times for everyone else, but a person just wants things remembered."
Pretty blue, huh?
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May 11, 2003 (12:31am): I can't get anything done. I think I'll always lack the necessary resources, opportunities and ambition to get anything done.
Unfulfilled potential. Nothing more painful.
May 13, 2003 (12:51pm): Pfft!
May 19, 2003 (12:13am): Egad. It's May the damn 19th already. I'm such a loser.
But there's no work! Seriously! I've looked! Of course it depends on my location, range of travel and reliability of transportation, which pretty much tanks any chance of gainful employment. Hrm.
Okay. There's McDonald's. Can anyone really fault me for putting that off day after day? Work is work, they say, but... I don't know.
I'm just a cog of a different fashion. I don't fit anywhere.
May 24, 2003 (4:42pm): I am a man of destiny. A dream told me so.
May 25, 2003 (2:55pm): Hey, look, I'm unemployed.
Argh!!!
Posterity will not remember me rosily.
May 28, 2003 (6:09pm): Argh. Stupid spring weather. Makes my sinuses stop up. It's annoying, as my nose stops up but still is quite runny. And sneezy. Dammit!
Anyway, the Vandalia Festival is this weekend, but I doubt I'll go. I've been intending to go for about five years now, but just never do. So this year I'm not even gonna pretend. Nyah. Take that, Vandalia Festival.
May 30, 2003 (4:05am): I didn't read a single page of this book today. I've been reading it for, oh, two weeks, I think. It's only about 700 pages, but I'm slow and I've had other things to distract me. Nothing important, just stuff.
But I carried the book around with me all day. From room to room, and even into town. Just so I had the possibility of reading it. That seemed to be enough for today.
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