October 1, 2002 (12:13am): Was just watching Almost Famous again. Again. Hey, it's on HBO two or three times a day, and what else have I to do?
Anyway, thanks to said movie, I now equate road travel and the true rock lifestyle with Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" and "Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters". Which could be worse. Those songs are wonderful.
Indeed. Download the latter, homogenize the real meaning, and you'll have a good idea how I'm feeling. It's all because of that scene when William wonders down the street looking for Penny. Yup.
October 1, 2002 (3:40pm): Keen. One of my reader editorials was finally published in the Charleston Gazette. They butchered it entirely, but still.
It's just, they removed a lot of supporting sentences. All that remained were a handful of broad statements. I come off sounding like one of those Christians who write in just to say, "If you support Palestinians, you're going to Hell. 'Cause the Bible says so. So it's true. Because."
October 2, 2002 (12:11am): So now that I'm still pretty sure I can get back to school (note how I still refuse to state anything for certain...), I've gone into the ol' "Well, that's the last time I'll be doing that for a while"/"Whew, I'm through with that for now" phase.
It's bittersweet. And I hate that word, so you know it must really be.
October 2, 2002 (1:57pm): And there's that last gasp of truly horrible summer heat and humidity. Strange, it always comes around this time of month.
Not that I'm really complaining, mind you. Soon it will be painfully cold, and I'll kick myself for having not wanted warm weather anymore.
October 2, 2002 (3:25pm): I'm so poor. No wonder life is such a pain in the ass.
Still, there's that funny feeling you get when you know there's not much that can fuck up. I mean, with me, sure, a lotta stuff can still go wrong. But I don't tend to think about that 'cause in some weird way... I dunno. It's like, I have no money, I have no car, etc. It's like having a cold. Your nose is stopped up, your eyes are blurry, but it's just a bitch you have to put up with for a while. You can't change it.
Nevermind.
Anyway... That's really dee-pressing, isn't it?
I've had the same bottle of vitamins for about two years now. I'm so lazy. I never take vitamins. And I should.
October 3, 2002 (1:22am): Ah, those stupid Jehovah's Witnesses. They just don't pick up on things quickly.
Not because they're Jehovah's Witnesses, no. But because...well, I don't know why.
I mean, if I tell you once that I don't believe in supernatural, almight forces, then I'm pretty much going to tell you that twice. So stop asking, and stop, er, stopping by my house!
They dropped in earlier today and said they keep coming back because they like to talk to me about my aspiritual "ways." But even more, they keep angling around like they're going to pin me in some point of conversation, and my head will split and I'll fall to the floor and scream, "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT! YOUR DUMBASS SELF MADE SOME SHALLOW REFERENCE TO A BIBLICAL PASSAGE, AND I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SUBMIT TO THE WISDOM OF A BOOK I REJECT AS HOKEY-POKEY!"
Goddamn. Leave me alone.
October 3, 2002 (6:19pm): Boy howdy... Not much to say on a day like today...
I have a banana sticker on my computer. I'm surprised it's still there, it's been on for over a week. Banana sticker glue isn't usually so, um, reliable? But I can't imagine it going anywhere soon, so wahoo!
October 3, 2002 (11:29pm): I don't know if I'm a nice person. I really have no idea whatsoever.
But I do know that I spend alot of time being seriously pissed at myself and at most everything else. And you know, it's just pulling me apart.
For months and months nothing has gone my way. And I'm not one to put the blame on others, so I've just been wondering what the hell I've been doing wrong...and I have no idea. None at all. Yet, it must be me.
Right?
It's really confusing, you can imagine. I just hate where I've been, and where I'm going doesn't look like it's gonna be much better.
October 4, 2002 (12:27am): Yes, I'd say that this...this is the worst it's ever been.
Who knew?
And where are you?
October 4, 2002 (11:53pm): Ugh... What a terrible way to start the autumn.
But you know, this nihilistic feeling... I'm not sure where it stems from. Maybe I have an over-developed sense of responsibility or something which allows me to both be burdened and seemingly outside common morality.
I don't expect you to understand.
Still, think of it like this: If you're carrying something huge and cumbersome for a long distance, and you're not doing very well at it, after a time you're going to get seriously pissed, forget about your goal or duty, and rip into the bothersome thing. But then, if this "thing" is some abstract concept, negating it leads to further negation of just about everything else.
And... I think I just need a girlfriend.
October 5, 2002 (2:47pm): Hey hey hey. That's what I say.
It's nice outside today. A little chilly, but the sky's mostly clear with just a few ridiculously-puffy clouds floating about. I'm not going outside, but still. I have windows.
So I got this cheap little guitar from someone's yard sale. Or, actually, my dad got it and brought home at my behest. At any rate, it's just this sad little department store youth-sized guitar. I can barely even hold it correctly. Still, I'm happy to have it. So I can at least say I have a guitar now. Baby steps, baby steps.
Not much going on today. Nothing's "up." Hmm...
October 6, 2002 (5:14pm): On days like this, it's hard to imagine there's anything happening anywhere. From where I'm sitting, it's hard to imagine there are deserts or arctic wastelands, skyscrapers or cottages, riches and privileges...
Yes. I suppose the best thing to do is crawl back into bed with my electric blanket, turn on the radio, and sleep till...whenever.
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October 7, 2002 (1:49am): Well, I was going to watch 120 Minutes for the Eels, but I just couldn't do it. Sitting there waiting for some 30-second clips while a parade of uninspired modern rock flashed? Nah. I'll just download the clips in a few days.
But it made me wonder: Have I just lost my touch? Or can I really see through all the sheen and realize all this music is boring?
I'd prefer to think there's been some kind of incubation period during which my tastes have been honed. But more likely, I just stopped paying attention. Or what they say is true, and we all have our own tastes, and mine's just a little too skewed. That can't be right.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone else is wrong, and I'm right as rain.
In other news, though, there's a funk in this damn house, and it's not coming from me! Dammit! Where is that smell coming from? Great googly moogly.
October 8, 2002 (12:08am): It's getting cold. Which I've said before. But it remains true. So. There.
October 9, 2002 (10:46pm): I am assailed.
October 11, 2002 (12:52am): You know, with all the fuss and bullshit I've been going through these last few months, I've sometimes wondered, "What am I doing wrong? What haven't I done to get things rolling again?" And I've come to the conclusion: NOTHING.
It's not me, it's them. Big stupid bureaucratic jackass them. Not me. Them. Them them them.
So fuck them. They can go to hell. Not me. No, no, no, no. No, no. Nope. Not me. Not gonna happen. Fuck them.
I'm steeped in nothingness, but I'm blame-free to no small degree. I've done every fucking thing within my power to get back on track, but they've bucked me at every turn. In their smug, hands-off, hiding-behind-rules way, they've kept me down, so pooh-pooh to them.
Yeah. Pooh-pooh.
Grrr.
October 11, 2002 (5:11pm): Theory: Everything is everyone else's fault.
Proof: Yesterday the director of financial aid at school told me to contact the registrar and see if I could sign up for enough classes to be a full-time student this fall. It had something to do with having to readjust my award letter 'cause the office of financial aid fucked up my status report. Anyway, the director told me to find out what I could and contact her today so things could be sorted out in time for me to return to school next week.
Well, I contacted the registrar, figured out I'd have to, just have to, be part-time till January. So I called the direct of financial aid with this oh-so vital info she hadda have right away, it was just so important, and...her secretary tells me, "Oh, she's busy today. She's in meetings. Can she call you Monday?"
Yeah. Sure. Call me Monday. I mean, forget to call me Monday, make me call you back Monday evening, and tell me she's gone for the day. This has happened many times before, in each office at school, and thus: This bullshit is not my fault.
'Cause think about it: I take care of everything on my end, right? Could I have done anything more? Nah. I couldn't very well drive up there this evening and force my course schedule down her throat, could I? Nah. I left a message explaining everything, and it's up to her to get to it and do what's left, right? Yeah.
So. Fuck you.
October 12, 2002 (3:20pm): Well, I didn't get to the Black Walnut Festival this year. Which is fine, I suppose, 'cause the weather's so glum today. Ugh.
I didn't wake up till around 1:00, which is nothing unusual. I got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth, got the mail, then...just laid back down. I mean, there wasn't much to do. I was stuck at home, television's not appealing at all, my computer's just boring these days... And I don't wanna read. I don't know why, but I just don't wanna read. I'm not averse to reading. But still.
October 13, 2002 (1:58pm): Woohoo, another red-letter day sitting around the house with nothing to do. I sure don't get sick of those!
So I'm just sitting here, with loads of things pending, but absolutely nothing I can do to hurry things along. I need the tax refund to see if I can go back to school at all this week. Then I need to sort things out with financial aid, if they're capable of competent work anymore. You know, someone from financial aid called yesterday, but they called the wrong number. Dammit! I just happened to know someone who knew the person with the number they called, and I found ou. Wacky. But anyway, they dialed the wrong number, and I assume they were so lazy they couldn't dial the correct number, so... Well, isn't that just fucking stupid?
Then I need to see if I can even live in the Cube. You know, I get the weirdest feeling that no on at school likes me. And I'm sure it's mostly just me, but...weird.
Anyway, then there's that play, which I've just gotten another role in. As a seven-year old. Which I don't think will work. But that's neither here nor there right now, 'cause I don't even know if I can get back. AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP IT ALONG!
Which is why I refuse to accept blame for any of this mess.
In other news, it's just another cold, wet, bland Sunday. I should probably just go back to sleep.
October 14, 2002 (5:40pm): Why does it have to be Columbus Day? Can't we wait till next week? Dammit. I'm waiting for that tax refund to come in the mail, but of course the mail won't run on a federal holiday. Curses!
Damn lazy postal workers.
So I'm probably gonna miss the next Mod. This really sucks. Before I know it, it's gonna be, like, April, and then I'll be able to get to school. That's nonsense. Excuse me while I freak out.
October 16, 2002 (8:47pm): I've been watching Almost Famous too often. It comes on about four times a week, and you can rest assured that I've been watching it about four times a week. Why? Well, what else am I gonna do? Read a book? *Snort* Sure.
Eee...
October 16, 2002 (10:20pm): Well, so I can't get to school tomorrow. Or even Friday. But I'm going back anyway. I just have to wait for my money.
Money money money money. Big stupid money.
Hrm.
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