January 1, 2002 (1:27am):Okay, so...new year. Could whine about not being with friends for the new year festivities, but, you know...
Yeah, let that be a resolution.
But the main resolution: Just to get where I want to be; enough of this second-guessing nonsense.
January 1, 2002 (7:03pm):I... Hmm.
I started this entry without having any certain thing to say. By golly.
January 1, 2002 (8:41pm):I was thinking: I'm gonna have to get ready to move out of my apartment, from Salem, soon. I'm ambivalent about the matter.
I find a great many faults in my life at SIU, but I've been there, what, nearly two years? When I say I want to go home, I mean I want to go back to my shoebox apartment, or, broader, the sad-sack traditions of Salem in general. Second nature habits take on deeply-ingrained meaning. Whether they're appreciated or not, they graft onto one's sense of self, and unique sites and feelings or individuals known become a keystone of identity.
So, in my overly-sentimental way, I mean to say that I must again shelve a chapter of life I've created, and await the development (via patience, via confusion) of a new one.
This is the way of life; this is a given. But for me, it is as regrettable as it is exciting.
January 2, 2002 (4:46pm):Oh no. It's a Wednesday, and I don't have a thing to do. How dreadful. I could continue synopsizing this history book. I could read some more comics.
But, no. That's all boring right now. I'll never be a good student, I get bored so easily. Music isn't boring, but I've been listening to the same 25 discs for two weeks. Need new material.
Geez... What to do...
January 7, 2002 (3:34pm):I had so many nice things to say today, but then I got a terrible phone call, and now it's not so fun anymore.
It's nothing life-shattering (to anyone else). It's just, SIU won't, absolutely won't, said the lady, release my transcripts till my $5,000-plus balance is paid off. What does that mean? It means I can't finish applying to other schools 'cause transfer work has to be known to validate transfer viability or whatever. So...
I'm gonna have to pay off the fucking balance, which'll take months, then try to apply to schools, then...aw, fuck it!
Okay. Nice things tomorrow, maybe.
January 7, 2002 (9:03pm):I think I've fallen into something I can't handle.
I can't get my transcripts till I pay off my balance, and the balance is so large... This, I've said before. I've been thinking about just what this will mean:
1. I should drop out of the rest of my SIU classes to hedge further fees; also, I'll have more time to work.
2. The balance will take forever to pay off. There's no way I could even pay it off in time to start next January; most likely, I'm looking at an enrollment elsewhere around fall of 2003.
3. I have to move back to Roane County. Toss out living by myself, far from dependence. Back to my tiny room, flanked by people who don't know me, no contact with my friends here.
I'm such a screw-up. Really. Think about it. I make horrible decisions, and I can't get anything right. I just want to do something I enjoy, and to do it well. But it's so hard. I'm so far removed from my ideals and plans, and now I'm struggling to hold on to second-best.
There's really not much to look forward to. I just hope that someday someone will realize how very hard I'm trying. It's not working, but I'm trying.
January 8, 2002 (6:01pm):So, I've got this computer building class... Theoretically, it's great, 'cause I get a loan from school and I get to build a computer for myself.
Now, I've been complaining about owing the school money, and the $1,500 for the computer is a sizeable chunk of it, and I'm shooting myself in the foot again, and blah blah blah blah idiot blah blah, BUT... It is a fun class.
I can say that much. The class is fun. All this neat little bits of computer go together so interestingly.
Something inside is telling me to go home and play video games. I don't really even like playing video games. It's funny. I'm the kind of person who'd just sit and stare at a wall instead of playing video games. But then, if I have one that's moderately interesting, I'll play it. And when I'm away, I think, Gee whiz, I'd sure like to play that game right now. Yup.
So, yeah, I wanna go home and play Metal Gear Solid 2. Such a big name for a game, don't you think? Sounds all huge and powerful. It's fun.
January 9, 2002 (6:00pm):I think I might be able to see Bob Dylan next month, in Charleston. Good, 'cause I missed him in Morgantown, and felt really bad about it.
January 11, 2002 (12:42pm):Okay, just got back from the Business Office (the folks in charge of my transcripts, kinda).
Turns out, I only owe about $2,500, half of what I thought I did. I got the lady in charge to authorize the release of my unofficial transcripts, which should be enough for WVU to let me in. But I still have to pay off that balance before I can get my credit from SIU.
So basically, I have to work my ass off this spring and summer, as well as hand over the bulk of my work-study this month and next. Sheesh.
But hey, sometimes I just gotta do some shit that isn't fun. 'Cause, well, I just gotta. It's gonna be rough now and then, but when isn't it?
All in all, I'm feeling alright. Got a Ryan Adams song stuck in my head, got this dandy new computer to play with... I'm okay for now.
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January 12, 2002 (2:09pm):Like I said, I'm okay for now. I woke up this morning, all elated and happy. But I started getting down to business again. I'm wary. I don't mean to be grim, but it just comes with the territory. There are few safety nets these days, I gotta keep my eyes open.
January 15, 2002 (6:00pm):My computer's so keen...
Nothing much seems to happen. I work from noon till 1pm, then fidget with my computer till 4pm, then work again from 5pm till 8pm. So I pretty much waste the day.
And all I have to show for it are dozens and dozens of new songs I didn't have to pay for. Ah, bless high-speed connections... I need blank CDs...
Seriously, I got nothin' to say.
January 19, 2002 (10:35am):Now, wouldja look at that. I haven't said a damn thing in, like, four days. Honestly, I've been fooling around with this new computer and alla the music I can hoard.
I'll say plenty when I want to, promise.
I've had a toothache for the last coupla days, though. I think it's a tooth moving around, and my gum really hurts. Like hell, it hurts. Ouch. But I figure I just gotta let it run its course 'cause I can't pay for a dentist.
And where'd all this goddamn snow come from? I woke up this morning, rolled over and noticed my bedroom was brighter than it usually is. That means only one thing, and that's snow. Damn. Things aren't really colder when snow falls, but my feet get wet, and that just sucks.
January 21, 2002 (6:21pm):I feel really guilty. But about what, I haven't a clue.
Well, first of all, Shawn's now expecting. A baby, that is. I'm not sure what to think about that. And seeing as this here ol' Daily Monitor is semi-public, with a couple people reading it, I can't really elaborate as well as I'd like. Suffice it to say, it's unexpected, and few of us really have a good and cheery handle on the situation.
Second, is everyone plotting against me?
Third, I drank like a fish last night, and didn't sleep at all. I just stayed up, looking out the window and generally just milling around. I still feel kinda hungover, but not really, and I'm very goddamned tired.
This is not good enough.
I'm just making up some Eels liner notes for the mix CD I made for Waak. It's distracting, and that's always...well, something. Waiting to go to some open mike competition. I have to, I'm judging the stupid thing.
Seriously, I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be anywhere. Well, maybe somewhere, but no it's more of with someone. But that's another thing entirely, and I wanna go home and sleep.
January 21, 2002 (3:35am):[Left blank for some reason.]
January 21, 2002 (7:27pm):My tooth still hurts.
January 22, 2002 (5:58pm):Whee! Yay! It's Tuesday! Hotdog!
Actually... Who cares. It's Tuesday. I'm truly ambivalent about this second day of the working week...
I'm kind of kicking myself in the ass, though. It was sunny and warm when I went out this morning, despite the snow on the ground, so I just wore a blue hooded sweatshirt, not the trench coat I've been wearing. Then it got cold. So now I shall be cold. Stupid weather.
January 25, 2002 (12:53pm):Hrm... I've been downloading music and TV shows so much, I've really neglected most everything else. I feel guilty, but then... Well, it's really fun to get all this useless stuff.
Anyway, Vietnamese girls are cute.
January 25, 2002 (2:21pm):I was dreamin' I was sleepin' in Rosie's bed.... Bob Dylan's "Mississippi" is one heckuva song, it is. The best lyrics I've heard in a long time, but then, Dylan usually writes that kinda stuff.
It's the perfect opposite side of the coin of "Things Have Changed". I can't imagine they were written at the same time. But both so great, but "Things Have Changed" is as dark and moody as "Mississippi" is happy-go-lucky. Love & Theft definitely deserves all the praise it's received. I just wonder if it's good enough to net Dylan another Best Album Grammy. Hmm...
January 25, 2002 (11:47pm):[Left blank for some reason.]
January 27, 2002 (9:34am):I'm supposed to be wrapping up some class projects, making webpages and what-not with inane programs that keep freezing up. But that's not half as fun as it sounds, *ahem*, so I'm doing this instead.
You know, I figure I'll be writing a helluva lot more once I get this computer back into my apartment. The reason I never write much now is 'cause I just can't think that well with others around. So... I just need a computer in a comfortable place, with nothing much else to do, and I'll go on and on.
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