December 4, 2001 (2:24pm):Chicago was something to do.
First, I lost my test voucher which, according to the registration sheet I got, barred me from taking the test. After pulling my hair out for a couple of hours I decided to go anyway. Fortunately, when I got the test location no one seemed to give a damn who did and didn't have vouchers 'cause they let me in with no fuss. I don't think I passed, but at least I got to take it.
I don't know if it's 'cause I got too much sleep last night, or 'cause I'm sick and hopped up on too much cheap cold medicine, or 'cause I've got a big hole in my soul, but I'm feeling like I'm about two inches tall right now.
Anyway, the rest of the trip was alright. Nothing spectacular. Those damn geeky Japanese majors didn't wanna see the city or anything. They just wasted my time getting lost looking for some Japanese grocery store. They just wanted to blow the cash their mommies gave them, buying crap like manga and candy.
It was pretty keen to spot locations from High Fidelity, though. We're just going down the freeway and I see a tram station, and think, Whoa. Is that where John Cusack said 'Who needs a drink?'
I'm at a loss, I can't think of anything else to say. Haven't been writing all that much the last couple of weeks.
December 8, 2001 (12:47pm):It's raining, and it's cold. I smell like laundry detergent. There's a salsa stain on the left sleeve cuff of my shirt.
There's also a red paint stain on the belly of my shirt. But that's about three years old, it came with creating the set for Harvey.
But that's neither here nor there. Maybe there.
Yeah, I've got a feeling I'll be spending all damn afternoon here.
I'm trying to write something, but there are people around, and yeah, I don't want'em to read it. Maybe later, but not now. Later.
December 9, 2001 (12:48pm):I fell asleep last night around 7pm. Didn't mean to. I had a headache and just laid down for a minute to rest. Then I dozed off listening to Beautiful Freak. Woke up around 3am, switched the CD to Rockin' The Suburbs. Slept till around 8am.
Anyway, it's only a little before 1pm and I can already tell it's gonna be one of those days that're full of compromise, in which I struggle to keep myself amused. And I don't even have cable. Bah.
What to do, what to do...
December 9, 2001 (1:44pm):Yes. Now I remember that bone-chilling dream I had last night.
I was talking to someone, and I assume they were telling me to stay, 'cause I kept screaming, NO! DON'T YOU SEE! I CAN'T STAY! I CAN'T! And I was crying.
On a similar note, I don't wanna go back to my apartment. You can't imagine the sheer torture, trying to keep myself occupied in that place. Seriously. Not Seinfeld reruns, not All Quiet On The Western Front, not Electro-Shock Blues (especially not), not the promising aspect of old Jimmy Stewart movies... Nothing cheers that place up. It's lonesome and depressing as hell!
December 10, 2001 (2:35pm):I should be in the Resident Life office trying negate my paying for a dorm room, since I don't live in a dorm, but instead I'm just loafing in the computer lab. I just don't wanna talk to those people. It's the same bureaucratic bullshit you find anywhere. Put someone in a nominal position of sway or power, and they'll go nuts over it. It's bullshit. Wait. I said that. Bullshit.
I didn't go to morning class today. Why not? Well, I woke up at 6:30am, like, usual, but I had the strangest feeling. I felt like I was home, back in my old comfortable room. Furthermore, much odder, is that I felt like I was three years back in time, back to my Senior year of high school. But then I rolled over and WHOOSH, I saw my sad empty apartment and remembered. Which is really weird. I mean, I must have just been in a nebulous realm betwixt (ooh) dream and reality, 'cause I really did have the strangest thoughts. I thought, Geez, that bus ride is SO long... I don't think I have enough change to buy lunch from the machines... But the girls are entirely worthwhile... Okay, let's get going.
Brah! But it's cold today. Still, I wear flip-flops! Screw you, winter!
December 11, 2001 (12:38pm):Some geeky computer guys are talking about Iron Chef. Outta nowhere they start talking about two Japanese chefs trying to make the better red snapper, and it was just funny as hell. Really.
I'm thinking, Okay, they aren't so much geeky as they are dorky, like me. So maybe all I have to do to tickle people is to sprinkle more odd-ended pop culture references. Might work. Hmm.
Anyway, the weather's nice again today. That bitch Mother Nature's keeping me on my toes. It's actually kinda hot in here right now. But I don't really care about the weather, I'm just biding time till I think of something else to talk about...
Yeah, nothing's getting through.
December 13, 2001 (5:46pm):Oh my... Waiting for a talent show at 7pm. Wanted to walk home, but it's, like, a fifteen minute walk. So I'd only really be home for about half an hour before I had to come back out. I'd spend as much time getting and coming back from there as I would being there. (Inane little bits of logic I mull over.)
I was thinking about joining the student administration and helping out around school, but I realized that by the time I really started catching on and helping I'd be leaving for the summer. And, if I'm real lucky, I won't even come back! Wow! So... What to do? Help anyway? Nah. Eh? Hmm...
My primary concern right now is just to... Hey, that European release of Souljacker looks mighty keen. Wish I had $25 to shell out for it. Oh wait, I do have $25 to shell out for it.
December 14, 2001 (9:48am):Whew. Just finished an algebra test. And while it was simple algebra...it was still a test. Gawd.
I hate tests like that. I just start freaking out, 'cause I usually don't bother to study for them. Then I get to class and wonder just what the hell I think I'm gonna do.
This test, I had to show my work, and graph equations and translate word problems to data tables. Ugh! I can't do that shit! I'm a History major! I can't actually do anything! What the hell!
Anyway, I got halfway through, then skipped to the problems that had quick and simple answers, did those, and left the rest to the bottom of the sea, so to speak. I just took them all as a loss. Hey, I'm a big boy, I can take my lumps.
Heh heh. I need a credit card. I wanna order either Souljacker or this cool Weezer poster that's a drawing of chicks as superheroes. I saw it at the mall once but didn't wanna get it. Now I do.
So I fetches me a rock, and like Popeye, I smashes it!
December 17, 2001 (1:00pm):Oh, my stomach hurts. I don't know why. I haven't eaten anything disagreeable. Except, of course, the cafeteria food (ba-dump-bump!).
I'm not looking forward to Christmas and that stuff. I don't even celebrate Christmas, I'm not Christian, for crying out loud. Don't buy me presents.
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December 18, 2001 (2:51pm):I just finished this big dumb algebra test. Oh, no, wait, was I the big dumb one? Fuck it. Math sucks.
Going home day after tomorrow. Have to get all my stuff ready tonight 'cause tomorrow I'll be waiting forever to see Lord Of The Rings. Ooh. I haven't even read the books and I'm jazzed to see the movie. Heh. Should be pretty interesting, though.
My stereo miraculously returned to life last night. I was feeling lucky, so I popped in Tenacious D and VOILA! The damn thing sprang to life. It's a little sluggish, but it'll work till I can get it fixed, maybe. The springy thing that moves the CDs in and out of the reader is worn out, I think. I don't know how much it'll cost to repair the stuff, but I can tell it's more than I've got. And I couldn't bear being without my stereo for even a day. It's pathetic.
Um... Anyway, I always take so much useless stuff when I go home for an extended period. Stuff like my folder of 200 CDs, dirty clothes (of course), my stereo and its speakers (of course)... You'd think I'm moving out. Oh, that reminds me. I'll actually be moving out in, like, April. That's gonna suck. I'll take what I can carry and give the rest away. Damn.
Gotta go to Goodwill or some likewise place over Christmas break. Need clothes. Cheap clothes, 'cause why the hell should Mike have nice clothes anymore? What's he gonna do, care about what he looks like? Bah! Damn you, economy! I want money and nice crap! (Nice crap, 99-cents.)
December 20, 2001 (12:54pm):No time to talk. Have to go home, then on to Roane County. Christmas break and all. Won't be around for at least, eh, 12 days, say.
December 22, 2001 (9:52pm):I'm sorry, but I'm not in a very, eh, cheeseburger-y mood right now, so I'm just gonna throw the rest of this away. It's cold, anyway.
Being in Roane County is so dull. Really. Oh, wow, I can't keep myself occupied. Not unlike being anywhere else, but... Hrm. No on to ring on the phone. No one's answering, at least. I'd kill to talk to someone. But no on really has any great need to hash anything out with me.
I look around my old room here, and I keep thinking of things I've done in here. My bed's been in the same place for years, so it was here that I pulled apart the mattress pad thread by thread, talking to Sarah Ferrell in 11th grade. We dated, and I gave her a bunny stuffed animal, but we broke up quickly, very quickly. I still have the bunny; it's on a desk a few feet from me now.
I remember John Waak used to call me everyday, before I really knew him. He'd call, we'd say maybe four things, then hang up. His persistence... I don't know what that was all about. Maybe he saw something interesting in me. Anyway, his is still one of my favorite friendships; it meant a lot 'cause we got so far.
Ah, but all this sentimental business is breaking my heart.
It seems like I packed a lot of lonesome memories into this room. There's where I got pissed and punched holes in the wall. There's the flowers Katie sent me in 12th grade, still unmoved from where I first put them. I miss her so much sometimes, when I'm walking home in the cold and the rain.
December 22, 2001 (10:10pm):Ooh, golly, it's three days till Christmas! Am I excited? No, but I already told you that.
I owe the school $5,000+. And unitl I get that paid off, I can't transfer to WVU (yeah, I settled on WVU).
This is not good at all. Seriously, I'm having a great deal of trouble with it. There's just so much in the way; how's a guy supposed to get anything done? It's all money's fault. Fuck you, money, you fucking jerk.
It's a terrible sign when shit like this doesn't shock me anymore. Aren't I supposed to be outraged? 'Cause I'm just angry with my poor luck.
And I just keep hoping for a confession; someone to hear it all and say simply, That's how it is for everyone. 'Cause right now I'm just about the loneliest guy alive.
December 27, 2001 (8:42pm):Today's just been on of those days when nothing feels quite right. Know what I mean?
It's just, I put on the pants and shirt that are currently the zenith of comfort, but they didn't fit anymore. And I suddenly noticed every single cat hair everywhere.
Couldn't get the haircut I wanted, have to wait till tomorrow, or later, so I irrationally became aware of how hideously ludicrous I look. But there's not anything to do about any of it. Just one of those sweeping moods that has to run its course.
And I'm almost certain I'll spend New Year's Eve alone.
December 28, 2001 (3:16pm):Did you ever feel like you had a secret so big it just might bust out and kill you if you didn't tell?
I don't even know what the secret is, but there's a huge bomb in my chest, and I'm not sure it'll hold for much longer.
December 29, 2001 (8:12pm):There were about six inches of snow today. I walked out to get the mail, in flip-flops, of course. It's the same stupid idea I get every year. You'd think that I'd realize that, no, intense pain followed by nausea delirium is not an experience to treasure.
Really, it got so bad I felt I'd puke.
In other news, I just killed the day, reading Avengers comics and eating glazed donuts. This year's just a runaway train, barreling to hellishly unamusing terminus. Ah.
December 30, 2001 (9:04pm):Strange misfit dynamics...
Today, in the canned soups aisle of a Spencer grocery store, I met a girl from college. Odd, 'cause she's from many miles away, and though I anticipated meeting someone I knew, I didn't think it'd be one from Salem.
Anyway, strange thing is, we have nothing in common. At school, I'm a studious dork misfit, and she's a bad reputation whose sexual past precedes her. But... But there in the canned soups aisle I could feel a kind of unity in our respective outcast natures.
See, today I was compelled by mother to join my family at my sister's mother-in-law's house for spaghetti. That place was terrible. It's one of those households in which the men watch football, bullshit about hunting, etc. The women just fawn over themselves, giddy about the modestly wealthy men they've landed and the shallow trinket-filled homes they've made.
I hate sports, dread guns and fucking despise self-worth defined by what one has bought or will buy, so the day disgusted me. Even so, a nugget of traditional American consumer-based family would be nice. But, no.
What I'm getting at is this: There I was, in the canned soups aisle, a madman hobo misfit with a soul like broken glass ready to cleave, talking to an ambling girl of mistakes... And I thought, What a hellish mockery of a traditional American consumer-based family I could make. Delicious.
But I just politely disengaged myself from the lady misfit's company and went on my way. No, no, it can't really be that easy, can it? A daily hell of unfocused genius, that's me. Let's see where it goes before it falls down.
Jolly.
I just keep coming back to a kind of whimpering sacred shelter among misfits. And I can't find a misfit to love.
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