There are three main holidays in the Church of John. The first of these holidays is John Day, which occurrs every year, as the moon falls on the fifth month to those pitiful fools we call Christians, or, to be more exact, it's on the 27th of May. On John Day, we celebrate the neverending life of Evil Lord John by being extra, extra evil (I'm talking laughing at lame kids, that you made lame with a baseball bat, and dropkicking small cute furry woodland creatures down the stairs, here), and the drinking of Chlachdryken, which is a word in the Language of John meaning Nectar of Ecstacy, which, in the common tongue, is usually referred to as beer. The Mighty Rituals of John are performed, also, and the ancient Deadly Game of Nakedness (think "Strip Poker," with knives) is also played.

The second holiday is Gary Day, which, similar to John Day, is a day in celebration of Mighty Gary, also known as Noble Knight Karamunga or Bob McBojit. On this day, no rituals are performed except the Devine Punishment of the Liver (again, with Chlachdryken), and any women wearing clothes shall be taunted horribly.

The third holiday is more of a festival, than a single day. This holiday, in the Language of John, is referred to as Fookmaliverwibeer, which, in the common tongue, means "Ye Sacred Beer Drinkage of Evil". This annual festival runs from January 1st, to December 31st, and basically just involves drinking, drinking, drinking, vomiting, and drinking some more.