Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to you regarding your position posted last Tuesday, "Entry-Level Food Service/Part Time" in the Northeast Illinois Picayune-Scout. I feel that I would be a perfect fit for this position. As you can see in my attached resume, I have over six years experience in consulting and investment banking to bring to the table. My dual PhD in chemical engineering and computer science from MIT may prove a substantial boost to the company, as will my upbeat attitude and best-selling novel, "God’s Great Anus." Additionally, I am an expert in conflict resolution as evidenced by my Nobel Peace prize. I thank you for your time and hope that we can arrange an interview so as to discuss this position in detail.
Sincerely,
M. Roger Sullivan III
Dear Mr. Sullivan,
Thank you for your inquiry. As noted in the ad, please come down between the hours of seven AM and two PM and ask for the manager or myself. Bring your resume and any reference materials with you.
Sincerely,
Scott Mitchell
Asst. Manager
Dear Mr. Mitchell,
I appreciate your prompt reply. I have always found promptness to be a great virtue, one that we evidently share, as witnessed by my 1992 gold medal in the men’s 100 and 400 meters in Seoul. You mention that I should bring my references with me: will a letter suffice, or should I request that General H. Norman Schwarzkopf join me personally? I am certain that he would take the time to do so for his valued assistant and counselor, but it may prove more difficult to schedule. Please let me know what your preference is.
Sincerely,
M. Roger Sullivan III
Dear Mr. Sullivan,
A letter will be fine. Please come down to the restaurant any time this week.
Sincerely,
Scott Mitchell
Asst. Manager
Dear Mr. Mitchell,
May I call you Scott? I feel like I know you already. You of course may call me Roger, or "Ambassador Rodge" as my friends call me. I am glad to hear that a letter from the General will suffice. If you wish, I can ask that he personally autograph it as usually he has his secretary stamp these sorts of things. Many people like to keep mementos and tokens of celebrity. I still have my signed basketball from when I co-captained the 1978 Indiana State team with Larry Bird.
Sincerely,
M. Roger Sullivan III
Dear Roger,
Sign the letter however you like. I remind you that the job in question is part-time and an entry-level position. Please show up sometime before Friday as two of the four positions have been filled.
Sincerely,
Scott Mitchell
Asst. Manager
Dear Scott,
You didn’t mention in the last letter whether you would mind if I called you "Scott" or not. However, since you addressed me as Roger I hope it is not too presumptuous of me to follow suit. You say "part-time" and "entry-level" as though these were something of which one should be ashamed. I appreciate the flexibility of a part time position, especially since I am attempting to take my healthcare consortium public by June. And entry-level is precisely the sort of position one starts out in; it is called "entry-level" for a reason. Had I not started in at the ground floor, I could never have become a member of the Board of Directors at IBM.
Sincerely,
M. Roger Sullivan III
Dear Roger,
I regret to inform you that the positions have been filled. I hope that the next time a position becomes available you apply again and we can build a business relationship together in the future.
Sincerely,
Scott Mitchell
Asst. Manager
Dear Scott,
It’s just as well that the position has been filled as I have been offered a fellowship at the Ecole des Artes Plastiques in Paris. I will always remember your kindness and perhaps we will meet someday in a cafe somewhere in the City of Light.
With fondness,
M. Roger Sullivan III
P.S. How much would the position have paid?