Free write
The Joy of Being Single: By Emily N. Truong
Can you believe it, we are just three months away from stepping into 2009, and Time is sure passing by quickly. I still remember just yesterday I was seventeen years old and now I am almost half way to my retirement age, yike! At the end of the year, I tend to tie up lose end and get my cleaning done. I am not talking about cleaning as in cleaning up my house, I do that every Sunday. This mean I need to re-check my New Year resolutions, my financial portfolio, and my to-do list for this year.
* Being single by choice
If you are single like me, you probably hear this question a million times or more “Why aren’t you married?” Our society prides married and look down upon the being single. Have we failed if we don’t have a partner? I don’t believe in that we failed if we don’t have a partner. We only feel like we failed if we buy into the notion that society bestows upon us that our single status as inferior to being married. If we allow that notion to seep into our mind, then the problem is within ourselves. Beside, is marriage is the only way to happiness? I don’t think so. I do know there are many singles that feel like they are not happy, because they are not part of a couple. Our society makes us feel like half of a person, just because we’re not half of a couple. Don’t think that someone else can make your life wonderful. Remember, your happiness is in your hands: that is the safest place for it. Also, don’t depend on some one else for your self esteem. Stop believing that marriage is the solution to loneliness. Would you rather be lonely or be with an emotionally distance spouse?
My mother, aunts, and other people never cease to “encourage” me to find a nice man and start a family with him. To them I can only be truly happy once I find a man to take care of me. After a while it becomes annoying, but I learn to tune them out. I thought about it and wonder “Am I such a baby that I need some one to take care of me?” However, I do understand my parents’ generation fear and their love for me. Back then, we only live up to 40-something years old, which I can understand the pressure of getting married before age twenty five. Today, thanks to medical advances, we can all hope to live to age 80, easy. In other words, even if we get married at age 40, that’s still 35, 45, even 55 years to be with a mate. Plenty of time to be married and divorces, so what is the hurry?
Opinions, everyone has one so who are you going to listen to and who are you going to ignore? Everyone has one. Every one thinks they know exactly what you should do with your life. Listen to what people say, but remember that the ultimate decision you have to make is going to have to come from you. After all, you know what is best for you. Let me ask you this would you rather be alone or be with a wrong person? To me being in a miserable marriage is even worse than being single.
According to the U.S Census Bureau, folks who wait until their 30s to marry experience a much lower divorce rate. Also, statistic shows that 50% of marriages undo their “I do”. Thus, being careful about whom I marry just means I have skipped a few divorces. Today many women feel less of a need for marriage comparing to those that live a century or decade ago. Back then, or now in some countries, marriage represented financial rescue for a women. Now, in the modern day a girl can gain money, influence, identity, status, and stability all on her own and not through a man. This mean, we are now have the freedom to hold out for a spouse who will be more than a walking wallet or ATM. This is one of the reasons I chose to delay marriage. Although, some of my family members, friends, and even strangers telling me that I am missing out something special when I chose to be single. However, I don’t think I am missing out on anything at all. To me, it is not of what we thinking we are missing, but it’s what we fantasize we’re missing. If I take my family’s advice of needing to find a boyfriend so I can have someone so I will not feel lonely when all my other friends have dates. In that case, I am just dating for the sake of dating then inadvertently I am lower my standard just to achieve this.
I do admit, being single and without a relationship sometime make us feel like we are missing the pleasure of having someone to love and the sexual yearnings from time to time. But if you focus on what you can have and cultivate on your other pleasures, the longing become quiescent. I also admit that there are a few things that you can not do if you are not part of a couple. On the upside, there are tons of things that you can not do when you are dating or married.
Every time I go to one of my friend’s wedding, friends that are in relationship or some other friends of my parents would ask me “Don’t you feel lonely being single.” I even have one single friend, she always seem so miserable and always wanting to find a boy friend. I think she still has the notion that “prince charming” can rescue her out the boring life she is in right now. Sometime I just want to slap her and tell her that no one and I repeat no one can “rescue” her, except herself.
After my second serious relationship ended I have been on countless dates. Those dates made me become more confident on my choice of being single. As I “aged”, I start to take more time in “selecting” my soul mate. Would you rather hold out for a soul mate or would you rush into a mere cellmate to share your life with?
The freedom of being single is the freedom to be yourself, to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. The freedom to go anywhere you want to go and importantly you don’t have to make compromises. I am no longer need to justify why I need time to pamper myself. I can stay in bed all weekend long to feast and absorb in books without having to accommodate with anybody schedule. I am able to read all day for the shear joy of reading.
Being single for awhile and enjoy my new found freedom I almost forgot how much “dependent” I was when I was in a relationship. Those that know me, find it hard to believe that at one point in my life I was a very passive person, have low self-esteem, and so lack in self confident. I used to read nothing but cook books, because I want to learn how to cook well for my boy friend. I have my hair grew long, and always come running when my boy friend needed. I basically transformed myself into a traditional girl that he wanted me to be. I made all the compromises, I allowed him to walk all over me. I completely lost my own identity in the relationship. I allowed myself to become someone he wanted me to be and not being myself. Now looking back, I am ashamed of myself for being settled. What I thought was compromised, it was just settled and giving in.
Being single I get to know myself better and learn things that help enhance my life. These are some of the things I learned. Take time to know yourself, see what person you are. Make sure you are Ms. Right before looking for Mr. Right. Being Ms. Right does not mean you have to attain the state of perfection, no one is perfect, thus, trying to attain that state is make no sense. I also learn that my ideal mate is not someone that make me change myself to conform to his life, but rather that someone that complements my life and want to see me make myself a better person, not make me change myself. He is someone with whom I can love, learn, laugh, play and grow with.
I learn to know what I want in life, and don’t put my life on auto pilot. Plan for the best and achieve it both in life and relationship. I learn to never settle in life or in a relationship. I learn that no matter what happened in life, I will not let others deter me from achieving my dreams. I learn the important of know when to let people go. Know my own definition of happiness and not live on other people definitions of happiness. I will try my best to achieve things I want to achieve and not keep myself in the same situations and keep making the same foolish choices. I learn to learn from my mistakes. Speaking of stop keeping one self from making the same foolish choices, I have a friend, she keep wondering why her life stay the same. She says she have no control over situations in her life. In reality, she does, it just that she chose not to take actions to change things that happened in her life. She will complain about those obstacles she encounters in her life, then friends will give advices, but she never does anything to change the situations. After a while friends just give up on giving any more advices when she solicitate for it, also the fact that she started to take offense when friends tell her the way things really are. Your life can go around in circles as you do the same things over and over, or it can keep moving forward. It’s all up to you. Stop complaining. There are countless people who complain about the state of their relationship and lives, but they never do anything to change it. They want this to change, that to change but never take actions to change. The only things that hold them back are themselves. They’re holding back their lives by sitting there talking and complaining. When your mouth is moving and your body is not, you are wasting time.
I learn that don’t ever love a man for his potential and think you can change him later. If you think you can change him, you are in for a big disappointment. Love the man for who he is now. If you can do that, you are in love. Another thing that I learn is to love your self. Know who you can depend on for support in good time as well as in bad time. Every single decision can have profound impact on your life. Thus, you have to think before you make choices. Know when to separate emotions from facts and make decision based on facts.
This is your life and you can determine the outcome. No one can live your life for you. The best you can do for yourself and others is to live your life to the fullest. Along the line, I picked up a few tools that help me become more independent. Tool number one is Education. Education to me is more important than I can ever imagine. Education can help unlock your destiny. You can not live your life through others. So the best decision you can make is to take your education seriously. This is why I want to obtain a Philosophy Doctor degree after I finished my master degree. However, I still put that plan on hold since tuition now a day is a little out of my current budget. This is also the reason I work two jobs.
Tool number two is, be the boss of my own destination. Be a chooser not the chosen. Stand up and advocate for my life. Family members, friends and others all have given me advices on what to do with my life, who I should be with, and where to go in life. You might have these same advices given to you by your family members, friends, and others. You and I know that these people mean well. Again, the one that you should listen to ultimately is yourself. Every decision you make determines your future. No one have control over your destiny, except yourself.
Tool number three, know who you are and be compassion toward others. If he is your Mr. Right, then you don’t have to fight, lie, steal, or cheat to get him. He will be in your life at the right time; the time is totally up to you. Another thing, we tend to hold up ourselves in a way that is not totally accurate. Thus, take a moment to really look deep within and be honest to you about yourself. Don’t clutter your mind with what other people faults are. Their faults whether it is or not, it is none of our business, beside who are we to judge others when we ourselves are not perfect. Learn to embrace others instead of judging.
Don’t limit yourself to one thing. Look for any opportunities to learn or do something new. Do not give up on yourself when something goes wrong, try to recognize your mistakes and learn from it. Don’t give up on yourself. Remember this, you are always in control. Stay in control of your life. Stress and giving up on yourself will kill you, literally and spiritually. We need to learn to let go things when it needed to be let go. Everything happens for a reason. If a relationship is ending, let it end. Sometimes fighting just brings yourself more pain if you don’t let go.
Always show appreciation and thanks those that has been there for you, don’t take people in your life for granted. The more open you are to saying thank you and appreciating the time and energy others give for you, the more you will receive in life. Of course, treat others as you would want to be treated, sound easy right? But most of us get up in our day to day stress, our moods, ourselves and we take it out on others. We need to be mindful of feelings of others. Consideration goes a long way in the scheme of things. Be careful with our words, because they can come back so watch what you throw out. A true person treats others with the same respect as they would want. No one have to put anyone down in order to make themselves feel better.
Stay away from those that hurt you. If a man hits you once, he will hit you again. Never let any man think that he can get away with that. Don’t stay in the relationship for any reasons. I have seen scars and tears from women who been hurt by the hands of men that claimed to love them. Being in an abusive relationship is worst than any nightmare, it is hell. If you find yourself in this situation, get out and don’t look back. No one and I repeat no one deserve to be physically abuse by the hand of others. Even if men put you down with words. These men are attempts to break your spirit and dehumanize you. They do this because they themselves have no strength and feel insecurity inside; therefore, they compensate this for lack of self esteem they have to break others’ spirit and self esteem. Don’t ever let anyone to disrespect you in anyway.
Listen to your physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional red flags. When you are with a guy and your body trying to give you some red flag warnings, listen and listen well. There are many women ignore these warning signs that their bodies tell them. There are many reasons why women ignore these warning signs. Women ignore because of the unspoken society rules and cultural gender roles that assign women’s behaviors. The patriarchcal society has taught girls and women certain behaviors and rewarding for some behaviors. The society reinforced the idea that for women and girls it is more important to be polite than it is to question men’s behaviors that might concern us. Also, society taught us that it is important to believe that every one can change. Women are expected to be tolerant of poor character in men. We are expected to turn to a blind eye to inappropriate behaviors. We are expected to remain hopeful and vigilant for change in men who probably will never change. The women are expected to be subservient, passive, and never questioning her husband authority. In some cultures girls and women are being taught to accept bad behaviors such as husbands have the right to “discipline” his wives. These cultures see the action of calling the police when your husband “disciplines” you as being poison by the Western culture. We are taught to passively accept whatever karmic outcomes end up in our lives. We been taught to tough it out and give our men a second, third, fourth chances.
We need to listen to the warning signs. Keep in mind that you are the one responsible for your decisions and choices. You are the one that live with the consequences of your choices. If you afraid questioning things can lead to people calling you being too aggressive, then let me ask you this do you prefer being call aggressive or put your life in danger.
Have you ever heard the phrase “Mind over matter?” Well, life is what you expect to happen. Your perception and belief system will affect what your experience and what you achieve in this life. Be confident, and confident is when you believing in yourself, loving yourself, and respecting yourself.
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