LIFE (READ MANUAL BEFORE BEGINNING)
By Jeff S. Martindale
 

"#1: Compliment three people every day."

Thus began, in a rather modest tone, a book I pulled from a dusty bookcase.  I found it to be chock-full of conventional but time-tested wisdom.  And it is short—under 100 pages, which is to say I should finish it long before my kids nag me for the car keys.

This book was very popular several years ago - OK, so I’m a little late in reading it.  I found 511 "suggestions, observations, and reminders on how to live a happy and rewarding life" in this compendium of contemporary cognizance (I got a thesaurus for my birthday), otherwise known as 'Life's Little Instruction Book' by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.  I'm convinced he wrote it with the help of people in high—and low—places.

For the benefit of other discerning yet procrastinating readers, this book is a small manual that entwines the profound (#459: Don't use time and words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved) with the trivial (#144: Take someone bowling), and the proverbial (#157: Take time to smell the roses) with the poignant (#314: Never underestimate the power of forgiveness).

As I reflected on who might have quoted these expressions, I recognized that no single person could be so infinitely wise (Sorry, Mom!).  So, with little else to do, I conducted extensive research and uncovered the heretofore unknown authors of these widely popular observations. 

Some of the most identifiable sources were from the entertainment industry.  For example, some entertainers, including Foster Brooks (#91: Don't let anyone ever see you tipsy), Bette Davis (#86: Don't smoke), and Juliet Prowse (#74: Eat prunes), submitted entries to benefit the public in general.  Others, such as Andrew "Dice" Clay (#111: Never use profanity), Rodney Dangerfield (#81: Avoid sarcastic remarks), and Julia Roberts (#509: Marry only for love), attempted to set an example for the youth of America.  Finally, selected individuals, including Michael Milken (#92: Never invest more in the stock market than you can afford to lose), and Tim Allen (#134: Don't buy cheap tools. Craftsman tools from Sears are among the best), seemed to promote the benefits and pitfalls of the business world.

"#19: Buy great books even if you never read them."  That one’s mine!

I found numerous political figures and organizations whose submissions drew from their extensive public service experience and, ahem, respectability.  Key contributors were Oregon Senator Bob Packwood (#231: Keep a daily journal), President Bill Clinton (#232: Keep your promises), the I.R.S. (#254: Keep it simple), the Democratic Party (#360: Be prepared to lose once in a while), and a collective entry by members of Congress (#399: Focus on making things better, not bigger).

Famous sports figures also found time from counting their money to contribute, including Mike Tyson (#230: Keep good company), Pete Rose (#265: Don't gamble), and the Buffalo Bills (#217: Be a good loser).  Even team owners (#294: Keep overhead low) and the players unions (#263: Don't discuss salaries) contributed, though I suspect they don’t heed their own advice.

WARNING: The O.J. portion of this column is about to begin!

It was reported - on 'Inside Edition,' I think - that the major players in the O.J. Simpson murder trial secretly compiled their contributions during one of the trial's many sidebar discussions.  Many thanks to Marcia Clark (#85: Never encourage anyone to become a lawyer), Judge Lance Ito (#450: Don't be afraid to say, "I need help."), F. Lee Bailey (#470: Don't interrupt), and an unidentified member of the jury (#318: Hear both sides before judging) for their insightful counsel.  Or was that last one from the media?  No, wait, here’s their submission: (#63: Remember that all news is biased).  

Touché!

I learned that even my wife contributed to this book.  She thinks I'm nuts but I argued that only she could have contributed such reminders as (#90: Refill the ice cube trays) and (#130: Leave the toilet seat in the down position).  I'm still searching for the one that advises to pick your dirty underwear off the floor, and, when I find it, I'm going to make her apologize.  In the meantime, she denied everything and won't talk to me.

Maybe I should take her bowling.