Three In One
by Isa Akane B.
______
Note: this is a crossover. I won't tell now, that would be spoiling. Keep in mind that is a fanfic for the movies and not the books (in other words, it has something to do with Alan Rickman ^_^). The story may sound a bit silly... or a lot... I'm warning you.
______
Severus Snape woke with a start at the sound of the thunder outside. He groaned and rolled over in his bed. He didn't like the sound of thunder, especially when it was taking him away from a rather pleasant dream. As he sat he had the feeling he was going to have a very bad day. A few minutes later he grabbed his freshly delivered issue of the Daily Prophet and knew he had been right. This was indeed going to be a very bad day. Someone had broken into Gringotts, opened a vault and emptied it. There were no witnesses but one of the security systems in the walls showed something rather interesting. Snape watched again the picture on the newspaper. It was a large stone showing a somehow blurry image of a man who looked suspiciously like him. A detail nobody missed, as the article said.
This was going to be a long day.
As he stepped into the Great Hall for breakfast he immediately realized his error. Everybody turned their head to look at him and an annoying buzzing sound filled the room. He tried to ignore it and when he reached the teachers' table the Headmaster waved merrily at him.
"Ah, Severus. It seems you have a twin brother. Have you read the news?"
"Yes, Albus."
"Don't look so sour, my boy, we both know it wasn't you. It seems someone wants to cause you trouble. But what's worrying me is that only a Dark wizard could have managed something like this."
As Snape had expected, people from the Ministry came looking for him. Simple investigations, as they said (certainly because Dumbledore was looking at them with a deadly look).
Three days later, the thief struck again. This time it seemed, as the article in the Daily Prophet explained, that the vault had been carefully chosen as the amount of gold taken from it was very high. This time not only the walls showed the same Snape-looking man but a witness claimed he had seen a man carrying some heavy looking bags sneaking out of Gringotts. The witness swore the man looked like Snape. This time again the Potions Master was questioned by the Ministry and quickly lost his temper. If it hadn't been for Dumbledore's presence he would have hexed the investigators back to Diagon Alley.
The worst happened three more days later. This time it was Snape's turn to be the victim of the mysterious thief's surprising ability. He thought that at least people would stop suspecting him but as twisted as the human's mind was, the rumor spread that he himself had done it in order to keep the Ministry's suspicions away from him.
It was more than he could bear. If he wanted this stupid situation to end he had to take matters in his own hands as once again he felt surrounded by incompetent fools. He knew exactly what to do and just had to convince a few Goblins from Gringotts. The only problem was that he needed someone's help for his plan to work.
He couldn't do this. He couldn't be in debt to him. But he didn't have another choice. Snape sighed and waited for his helpless seventh year students to finish messing with their work.
"Class dismissed. Mr Potter, stay here. We have to talk."
Ron winced and patted his friend's shoulder sympathetically. Snape waited for the class to empty, then when only Harry left he spelled the door closed.
"You're aware of what has been going on at Gringotts these past weeks, aren't you?"
"Yes, Sir. I'm sorry about your vault."
"And you may be sorry about yours soon, too. Being one of the most filled I'm certain it's the next target. Don't think I'm worrying about your money. Someone is making a fool of Gringotts' reputation and it can't be tolerated by our community."
"And? There's something more, isn't it? Something personal..."
"Someone's trying to make people believe I'm a thief. And worse: someone's trying to make people think I'm using Dark Magic. I can't let that person go unpunished."
"You're right, I didn't realize that. But what does it have to do with me?"
"Who's putting his nose in everything suspicious that's happening in the wizarding world and always succeeds in making it stop?"
"You want me to investigate?"
"I want *us* to find that man. Do you have a problem with working with me?"
Harry eyed his teacher with interest and smiled slyly.
"I don't think so."
"So here's my plan. It's simple but I need you to get inside the vault. The Goblins wouldn't let me in without you. And we'll need your Invisibility Cloak. Tomorrow night, we get into your vault, we hide under the cloak, we wait for our thief to open the door and we hex him to Azkaban. Or at least we take him back to question him."
"Simple, indeed. I think it should work. Alright."
Harry slept peacefully that night, his dreams filled with all the possibilities while being locked in a vault with his sexy Potions Master.
They flooed from Hogwarts next night to Diagon Alley. A Goblin was waiting for them in front of Gringotts and led them down to Harry's vault. The vault opened and Harry wondered once again how it could still look as full as the first time he saw it. After all the money he had taken out from it the previous years... Snape entered the vault and Harry waved the goblin goodbye before following in. Snape was waiting at the back of the vault, holding his wand up to maintain the clear path he'd formed between the piles of coins. As Harry reached him the door closed and darkness surrounded them. Harry muttered "Lumos" and saw that the coins were back in there place.
Snape sat on the ground and Harry squatted next to him, then pulled out his Invisibility Cloak from his robes, spreading it upon their heads with his free hand. He turned off the light from his wand and waited. A few minutes later Snape sighed with irritation.
"Will you stop humming?!"
Harry turned his head toward the voice. He couldn't see him but he knew from experience what the man's face looked like just by hearing the tone: utterly annoyed... and therefore utterly sexy. The boy smiled.
"It's Beethoven's Ode to Joy. You don't like it? I thought you would..."
"I like it but right now it sounds creepy. And don't ask me why, I just don't know."
Harry chuckled and earned a slap on the head. How the man had managed to find his head in the dark he didn't want to know. He sighed and got up and out from the cloak's shelter.
"What are you doing now? Stop pacing and come back under this damned cloak!"
"I was having cramps."
"Sit down!"
Harry sighed heavily and sat... and yelped.
"Could you be even more noisier? What is it, now?"
"I think it was a Sickle in my ass..."
"Really? Are you sure it wasn't a Galleon?"
"No, it wasn't that big..."
"What do you think you're doing, now? Get out of my lap!"
"Quiet, the thief could hear you. I was just looking for a more comfortable place to sit."
Harry sat back on the ground and waited. It was getting hot in the vault and under the cloak but he didn't dare complaining. Maybe a little cooling charm could help... A few seconds later Snape hissed.
"Get your hand off me, Potter!"
"Sorry, I was looking for my wand, I think I dropped it around here."
"THIS isn't your wand, I can assure you."
"You're right, mine isn't that big."
"Stop it!"
"Why? You seem to like it..."
Harry leaned closer and trailed his free hand up the man's chest and neck, the only way he could think of to try and locate his lips. He marveled at the ability the man seemed to have to see in the dark when he felt lips brushing against his before he could finish his own search. Snape's tongue slid in and explored his mouth. Harry moaned softly but the sound was covered by a clicking noise coming from the door. They broke the kiss reluctantly and Harry felt his wand being pushed in his hand. He briefly wondered if Snape hadn't stolen it to him on purpose.
Wands in hands they waited, hidden under the cloak, as a man was quickly shoving the coins in bags. When he got close to them both yelled "Stupefy" and the man fell on the ground. Using a binding spell on him, just in case, Harry looked down at the sleeping thief and smiled.
"He's gorgeous. And sexy. That's funny, he looks like you, Sir."
Snape shrugged and held out what Harry recognized was a Portkey (otherwise why would his Potions Master be carrying a broken CD?).
"Then grab Sleeping Beauty and let's go back to Hogwarts."
A few seconds later Harry found himself pleasantly sandwiched between the two men. Sometimes Portkey-travel wasn't that bad. He realized he had been gripping Snape's robes when he felt the man tugging at them. That explained why the older wizard had fallen on him. He rolled over, dragging the other wizard with him. He wrapped his arms around his neck and smiled languidly.
"Don't you think we have more urgent things to do, Potter?"
"He's sleeping and bound, he won't go anywhere. We have all the time. I want you."
"Aren't you supposed to hate me?"
"You're the one who's telling the world you hate me. I just say you're a bastard, that doesn't mean I don't find you attractive."
"My room, then, the ground isn't comfortable enough."
A good shag later they went back into the room where their prisoner was still asleep.
"We've let him like this a bit long. Poor guy will be stiff when he wakes up."
"Could you use other words, please?"
"Want to go back to your room?"
"Not now."
"Well, at least that sounds promising."
Snape ignored him and cast some more binding spells on the thief then woke him. The man blinked and looked at the wizard with surprise but quickly regained his composure. Harry smiled as he realized how much the two men looked alike. Snape stood cross-armed and menacing above the man on the floor who was trying to sit up.
"Who are you?"
"I should ask the same of you. What were you doing in that vault?"
Snape raised an eyebrow at the man's slight accent. Harry frowned. Apart the accent, both men had the same silky voice. He felt himself becoming hard again at the sound of their voices. That wouldn't make their investigations easy. Snape was looking at the man in a way that reminded Harry of his first year's Potions classes. Not good.
"I won't waste my time with you, so tell me who you are unless you want me to hex you back to wherever you come from."
"I'm Hans Gruber. And you are?"
Before Snape could answer Harry rushed beside the other man and smiled broadly.
"I'm Harry Potter. Pleased to meet you."
"Do you really think now is the time to try to seduce him, Potter?"
Snape shoved him back and went back to his questioning.
"Why were you trying to make people think I was using Dark Magic?"
"You? I don't even know who your are."
"I'm Severus Snape! You broke into MY vault, so you must have an idea of who I am!"
"I'm just picking what's interesting."
"How do you do this? You're a Muggle, aren't you?"
"A what?"
"You're one, then. You shouldn't be able to use magic. Who's helping you? Does it have something to do with Voldemort?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. And I've nothing to say to you. You don't have any right to question me."
Considering that Snape was shivering with anger and that the thief seemed to be as stubborn as his double and wouldn't talk, Harry decided to take things in hand. Literally. He dropped to his knees in front of Hans and started unbuttoning the man's trousers under Snape's stupefied eyes. Their prisoner started to panic. Snape was just curious.
"What are doing, Potter?"
"I'm just going to try another way of persuading him. Why, are you jealous?"
"Don't be ridiculous."
"Then let me try this."
"We're not here to play. I should use Veritaserum on him, that would be easier."
"Are you sure you don't want me to try my way?"
"I never thought you were such a pervert."
"I don't remind you complaining a few minutes ago..."
Snape tried to ignore him and went to fetch his precious potion and hurried back at the sound of a gasped "Mein Gott". He felt a pang of jealousy as he saw Harry's head busy between the other man's legs.
"You didn't need to do this, Potter, I had a simple way to make him speak."
Harry answered with a moan, echoed by his victim's. Snape sighed and decided to avoid the view as his pants were getting a bit tight. He came back a few minutes later at the sound of a pleading Hans and a chuckling Harry.
"Now he's all yours, Sir. If he doesn't answer your questions I'll just let him deal with his little problem by himself. If he's a nice guy and answers I'll finish him. Like this you won't waste your Veritaserum on him."
"I think I'll consider this to be a good idea. For once. But I still think you're a pervert."
"yeah, but you like it. Go on, then."
"Now, Mr Gruber, be a nice Muggle and tell me who helped you."
"Someone contacted me. Someone who said they knew me and my abilities. They said there was some special money in those vaults that was interesting them. They wanted me to steal it for them."
"What happened to the money you already stole? Did you give it to them?"
"Of course not! They were stupid enough to think I would share. I just wanted to open a few other vaults and disappear with the money."
"Didn't you notice you wouldn't be able to use that kind of money anywhere? It's wizard's money."
"No, it's silver and gold. It can be used or sold as such."
"You'll never sell my Galleons to anyone!"
"Galleons? What are you talking about? There were no boats in there."
Harry chuckled and decided to make the man a bit less impertinent and a bit more cooperative. Then Snape went back to his questions.
"Who hired you, then?"
"I don't know them. There's a hysterical man and a strange old woman. I think she's a witch. That's what she said, now I believe her. She said she was going to give me the power I need to open these vaults without being hindered by the wards."
"Our own kind betrayed us? How could they..."
"I think the man is just what you call Muggle. But he's as strange as you. He looks like you, by the way."
"And you look like Professor Snape, too, so that means... Wow, three sexy guys!"
Both men frowned at the hormonal teenager.
"Is he always like this?"
"Fortunately not. Or I wouldn't have been able to keep him in my class for so long. I don't think the Headmaster would have let me fuck a student in front of the whole class... Now, I still have some questions for you and I'll let you in his caring hands. Or mouth, should I say. Tell me more about them. Did you know their names?"
"No. All I can tell you is that the man has black curly hair, a short beard and a scar on his left cheek. He wears strange clothes, too. And he looks like you. And as I told you he seems to have a tendency to hysteria. The first time I saw him he was wearing a cloak and a mask. Strange man, really."
"A cloak and a mask? He's a Death Eater?!"
"Do you always have to use strange words whenever you speak? I'm not sure I really want to know what a Death Eater is, anyway..."
"And the witch, what did she look like?"
"I don't know. She just looked like a witch. Without that stupid broom and cauldron stuff."
"Watch your mouth, Hans, as a wizard Professor Snape uses a broom and as a Potions Master he also uses a cauldron. I think you just made yourself an enemy..."
"Enough! Now, Mr Gruber, you're going to figure out a way to make me meet these two persons, even if I have to use the Imperius on you. You can dispose of him, Potter."
Four days later, the three of them went for a little trip in a forest. Hans looked tired, Harry was smiling contentedly, and Snape looked annoyed. Maybe it was due to the fact that he was hosting Hans and Harry had been paying him frequent visits these past days and nights.
"Sherwood Forest... It's strange, it reminds me of a story–"
"Shut up, Potter. I don't want to know what kind of twisted stories you're reading!"
"It was just a tale. Nothing twisted."
"Where did you find the inspiration for all the things you've been doing with our guest, then?"
"He suggested a few things, you know."
"I'm not sure I want to know."
Snape threw the Invisibility Cloak above their heads and they waited close to Hans. Suddenly a man appeared from nowhere. Harry wondered if he had Apparated or if it was yet another way of traveling. The newcomer stopped in front of the thief. He seemed rather impatient, though Harry couldn't see him well as Snape had stepped in front of him. He smiled as he realized it had to be due to his old habit of trying to protect him. When the newcomer talked, Harry melt: this one, too, had Snape's voice.
"Where is the gold?"
"I have encountered a little... contretemps."
"I don't care whatever problem you may have encountered. All I want is my gold!"
"You know, I've heard it was of no use in our world."
"Who's been stupid enough to tell you something like this?"
"These men."
Harry and Snape threw the Invisibility Cloak off them and stepped closer. Harry gasped.
"He's really sexy... And he looks like both of you, too."
"If it's the only kind of thought your brain is able to produce, Potter, I understand your lack of ability in my class."
"Well, maybe, but... Doesn't he inspire you?"
"Stop it."
"What about a little trip to your room, the four of us?..."
Snape eyed him with a mix of disgust and interest then turned back to the two other men. The newcomer was currently trying to strangle Hans while screaming something about a spoon. Snape pointed his wand at the dark haired fury and yelled "Expelliarmus", sending him flying away and letting Harry bind him. He went to pick the panting thief from the ground and had a brief mental image of the man panting against him under other circumstances. Maybe Harry's idea wasn't that bad.
They quickly grabbed another Portkey (a computer mouse, this time, and Harry wondered if the other wizard knew what it was and how he had acquired it) and arrived back at Hogwarts where the scarred man was unceremoniously dropped on a chair and securely bound to it by a few chosen spells. He immediately switched to half-hysteric mode.
"You're going to pay for this! Mortiana will come for me and you'll regret this!"
"Silence! Your threat doesn't affect me. Now, I have a few questions for you. First of all, who are you?"
"I'm George, Sheriff of Nottingham! You have no right to keep me here! I'm warning you, if you're trying to help Locksley–"
"I don't know whom you're talking about. Why did you send this man to steal our money?"
"This damned Locksley is taking all my gold, I need to refill my chests quickly. Mortiana told me she had found a way."
"Is Mortiana the witch Mr Gruber was talking about? She gave him powers he should have never accessed. She's using Dark Magic."
"So what?"
"By giving this man who's looking like me the power to use Dark Magic she's been discrediting me, and I can't allow this! She's coming to rescue you from us, then? Very good, we'll prepare her a little surprise. Potter, do you want to take care of her if I let you play with our new guest? For now I'll have a little... chat with Hans. After all..."
Harry came towards the bound Sheriff and sat on his lap. The man became hysterical again.
"Get away! Get away from me, you pervert!"
"Relax. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to give you a good time."
"I'm not interested!"
"Really?... Professor Snape, do you have a potion that could calm him without knocking him out?"
"That would be a rape, Potter. I won't help you with this."
"What do you suggest, then?"
"Try seducing him..."
"Will you stop this and release me, you fools?! I'm not interested in men!!"
"Oh, shut up, you. So, what do you think I should do to seduce him?"
Snape sighed and stopped undressing Hans.
"Get out of the way, Potter. Just look."
He stood in front of the man whose hysteria seemed to have reached its peek. Snape leaned and tried to sooth him.
"Be quiet. You're not getting anywhere and I don't plan to hurt you. I'm just trying to teach something to this young man, so be cooperative. But if you try to bite me I'll let Mr Potter rape you."
He reached out and slid a finger gently along the man's cheek, following his scar. That seemed to calm him momentarily, maybe from surprise. Snape's fingers continued to stroke the man's cheek as he went to stand behind him. His hand slowly slid down the man's neck to stroke his collarbone while his other hand trailed along the captive's right arm. George whimpered as Snape's lips made contact with his neck. Harry watched mesmerized the dreamlike image of his teacher trailing kisses along the other man's throat. They strangely looked like twins, something Harry found highly erotic. Snape's right hand had left the man's arm and was now unlacing his shirt. George gasped as the fingers slid inside the shirt. He threw back his head against Snape and moaned softly as the fingers pinched a nipple. The wizard seized this opportunity and leaned to claim the man's lips, tracing them with his tongue and smiling as he was given access inside the man's mouth.
Curious to see what would happen, Harry decided to remove the binding spell. George's hand shot up and grabbed Snape's head, pulling him closer. It was a matter of seconds before the two men where rolling on the floor, limbs tangling while they attempted to divest themselves. Harry chuckled and was suddenly pulled back against Hans, quickly joining the two other men on the floor.
Two hours later they were all dozing happily (Harry back in his teacher's arms while Hans and George were somehow glued together) when an alarm rang in the room. Snape was the first on his feet, quickly grabbing both his wand and Harry in an usual attempt to save the boy's life. He just had the time to cast a cleaning spell on all of them and put on his robes before a coughing greyish figure stepped out of the fireplace.
"Mortiana!"
"It seems your witch has found a way to use the Floo network."
The old woman looked around the room with wide eyes. She seemed to wonder for a while if she hadn't ended up in the wrong room. She certainly didn't expect to find her protégé naked among equally naked men. Snape pointed his wand at her.
"You've messed with the wrong wizard. Potter, send this thing to Azkaban. In one piece, if possible."
But before Harry could do anything, a slightly blushing but highly amused Headmaster Flooed in and grabbed the witch, casting various inhibiting spells on her.
"Don't bother, gentlemen. Leave this little problem to me. I'll make sure this troublesome woman is sent to Azkaban."
He was gone as quickly as he had arrived, leaving the four men behind him. Harry leaned against Snape (after trying all three men, he decided his Potions Master was definitely his favorite) (maybe it was due to the fact that he found the Dark Mark even sexier than George's scar...) and looked around.
"What now?"
"First of all, Hans is going to give the money back."
The thief looked very disappointed but it was nothing compared to the look on the Sheriff's face. All feared a new display of hysteria.
"Don't you think there's something more urgent? How am I going back to my time if Mortiana's gone?!"
"What about staying here?"
"I have things to do! I have thieves to hang! I have to find a way to get my money back! I need this gold! I have a land to rule!"
"A land to rule? I thought you were just a Sheriff..."
"Well, never mind."
Harry eyed the two men and smiled evilly and whispered in his teacher's ear.
"I can still access the Chamber of Secrets. We could bring them there. They're Muggles, they wouldn't be able to escape. This way we could have some fun with them whenever we want..."
"Albus wouldn't let us. That would be slavery."
"They're thieves, they've stolen our gold, they should be punished."
"Now, that sounds interesting. Yes, I think Albus would agree on this. Maybe the Chamber of Secrets could be a good prison. There's space, and we could bewitch it so they would be able to see the light of day. Yes, I'm certain Albus would find it a wonderful idea... Ten points to Gryffindor, Potter."
Hans and George became the secret prisoners of Hogwarts. Hans was saved from a dreadful and fatal skyscraper forced-diving. George was saved from a lethal duel. All in all, the men didn't have to complain. Even for the lack of sleep...
____________
Notes:
- I'm perfectly aware that the Sheriff of Nottingham is 100% het (well, I think he is). I just wanted to show Snape's power of seduction ^_^ (as for Hans, I'm still wondering...).
- This isn't supposed to be a Harry-bashing fic. He just ends up like a twit for an unknown reason. Sorry... But the slut part is intended ^o^
- Don't ask me how Mortiana managed to travel to the future and use the Floo network. She's a witch, that should be enough explanation.
- This story was a bit/ very silly, I warned you...
- Oh yes, by the way, if you really didn't figure it out (but I doubt you've never seen these ones), the two other movies were "Die Hard" and "Robin Hood", of course.
_________________________
© Isa Akane B. , 2003