�Logan.� Soft lips brushed his eyelids. He smelled cinnamon and bourbon.
�Logan.� The voice was more insistent this time. Logan opened his eyes. Laughing red and black eyes were inches from his face.
�Hello, mon couer.�
�Remy?�
�Did you miss me?�
�Jesus, Remy.� Logan reached up disbelieving fingers and ran them through the Cajun�s soft red hair.
�I missed you.� Remy brought his lips down onto Logan�s and the older man stopped questioning, lost all thought in the overwhelming sense of completion. Remy was home. His kid had come back to him.
He put his arms around Remy, and pulled the kid into his chest. Remy lay his head down on Logan�s shoulder. �I thought I wouldn�t make it Remy.� Logan said hoarsely. �There were times I actually thought I would go crazy without you. I wasn�t even alive really, just a shadow.�
Remy raised his head. �Just like me.�
�Worse than you. You couldn�t feel the pain, but all I did was hurt.�
�I's okay cher. Remy�s back now. I won�t be leaving you again.�
�I�m not sure I�d survive if you did.� Remy smiled gently and bent his lips down to Logan�s again......
The beep of the alarm clock shattered the silence.
Logan�s blades flashed through the air, slicing open the clock. But it was too late. The kid was gone. He was awake now. Alone.
He lay back in his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He rubbed a hand over his chest where he could still feel the Remy�s weight pressing down on him.
***********************************
It was strange to watch LeBeau now, strange and painful, but Logan couldn�t help himself. He watched anyway, noting the awkward way the man tried to wear his personality like a stranger�s clothes.
LeBeau tried hard to make the others forget there was anything wrong with him. It was a reflex, Logan decided, left over from Remy�s desire that everyone be at ease. Intellectually LeBeau still knew how to charm people, still knew how to tell a joke, or make a clever remark.
But it wasn�t as if he were fooling anyone. Nothing could disguise the blankness of his eyes, eyes that got no joy from making others laugh, that didn�t share their concerns, eyes that could watch them die in front of him and be utterly unmoved.
The faint smell of dishonesty pervaded everything LeBeau did now. It was probably the constant and mendacious effort he expended trying to act as normal as possible. Logan was sure it was kindly meant, but he resented it all the same. He began to avoid being in the same room as LeBeau. Who was this man to walk around so cavalierly disguised as his kid? Who was this man who had destroyed what Logan loved and then sat around the breakfast table telling jokes that no one found funny, least of all himself? Logan�s unease began to crystallized into hatred.
So when LeBeau moved back to the boat house, his only reaction had been one of relief. No, that was a lie. He�d been sad too. He was always sad now.
*****************************
Remy had always been a great fighter, but after the injury he was brilliant. His sense of self preservation, never very strong to begin with, had been eclipsed entirely by his utter lack of fear. It wasn�t that he was careless, or foolhardy, it was simply that lack of emotions led to such clarity of thought and risk evaluation that no member of the team could equal it.
In fact, he cut such a fine line between efficiency and mortal danger, that Scott wondered if LeBeau's judgment weren�t impaired by his disability. He considered removing him from the active duty list and had even discussed it with the professor.
�I�d let it alone.� said Xavier. �After all, what�s the worst that can happen to him?�
Scott blinked at the bleakness of his mentor�s statement.
�He�s still capable of feeling pain, Professor.�
�Indeed,� said Xavier, �But Gambit never lived in any particular fear of physical pain. I once asked him to dedicate his life to the work, to the protection of mutants and humans alike, and he agreed. Having sacrificed so much for it..... it doesn�t seem right that we deny him what little meaning his life has now.�
�He�s still alive Professor.� said Scott, deeply disturbed.
�Yes,� said Xavier, �But looking at him, I�m forced to wonder how much so?�
So Scott had kept Remy�s name on the active duty register, but he had kept a careful eye on the young man. He felt it was important that they not begin treating the boy as a second class citizen, much less as any sort of sacrifice or cannon fodder. If they could no longer appreciate Remy as a person anymore, and even Scott had difficulty genuinely caring about LeBeau as he now was -- his concern was more in honor of the memory of his friend-- then they could certainly appreciate him as a member of the team.
Then one night Logan knocked on Scott�s door. He was wearing his traveling jacket and had a bag slung over his shoulder.
�Going somewhere?� Scot asked.
�I need a break.� said Logan. �I can't do this anymore. I can�t go on living with that- I just have to go away for awhile, clear my head.�
Scott took a deep breath. �Logan, I know this has been difficult for you-�
�Bullshit.� Logan cut him off. �You don�t know. You can�t possibly imagine. Everyday I have to sit across the table from that thing as it makes a mockery of everything I loved in the kid.�
Scott stared. �Logan, Remy was hurt, grievously.�
�He did it to himself.� said Logan violently. �You forget I watched him. I watched him while he burnt everything I loved out of him. I watched while he destroyed his own humanity. I�ll be damned if I hang around to watch what�s left.� His voice shook with emotion.
�The team needs you.�
�What if it were Jean?�
Scott was silent, trying to imagine the love and warmth in Jean�s eyes replaced by cold vacancy.
Logan continued, �The team'll do fine. Gambit�s fighting as well as any two people right now anyway. I can�t live with him Cyke. Don�t ask me to try.�
�Please don�t ask me to choose between you two Logan.� Scott said softly.
�I�m not.� said Logan. �I�ll see you around.� He picked up his bag and headed for the door.
After he was gone Scott went to the window and watched as Logan drove off into the night.
Remy stood at the window of the boat house and watched Logan�s motorcycle speed into the night. It was happening again. He was breaking up the team, just the way he had when he had come back from Antarctica. He hadn�t meant to then, he didn�t mean to now, but it didn�t matter. In this life innocence was not enough.
He stubbed out his cigarette and went to find Cyclops.
Scott was expecting him.
�I saw Wolverine leave.� Said Remy, without preamble.
Cyke nodded. �Yeah, he needed some time alone.�
�He shouldn�t have had to go.� Said Remy flatly. �If it came down to a choice between him and me, I should get the boot. I�m the one that�s damaged.� It was said with no self-pity, in such a matter-of-fact voice that Scott flinched.
�It wasn�t a choice. Logan would have left anyway.� He said, more hotly than he�d intended.
Then seeing Gambit�s skeptical expression, repeated himself. �It wasn�t a choice. If you�d died that night, do you really thing that Wolverine would have stuck around, kept running call traces on the FoH? He needs some time to get away and grieve, to figure out what he�s lost.�
Scott�s voice almost broke, because looking into the Acadian�s flat eyes he could see that Gambit really had no conception of what Logan had lost.
<What if it were Jean?> <I couldn�t live with it,> he thought, <I really wouldn�t be able to. No wonder the Canadian is going out of his mind.>
Gambit was still regarding Cyke seriously. �I�m trusting you Scott. I can�t tell if you�re lying to me about me being bad for the team. I� can�t tell what people think about things like that anymore. So if this is a time when Gambit needs to be self sacrificing, you gotta let me know up front, cause otherwise I have to take you at your word.�
Scott cracked a humorless smile. �Thank god for that at least.� He said.
**************************************
He traveled directionless at first, putting his foot down on the gas and pointing his bike into the direction of the fading sunset, determined only to put as much distance between himself and the mansion as possible.
Eventually, though, the siren song of alcohol called to him. He wouldn�t be able to get drunk, not drunk enough certainly, but a little numbness would surely help.
So he�d pulled off the highway, checked into a cheap hotel, bought a bottle of whiskey from the drug store across the street and got to the serious task of drinking.
Inside him the anger simmered quietly. The anger was really all he felt now. At first he had been sad, guilty, maybe even a little hopeful�in the beginning when Remy�s injuries hadn�t seemed too severe.
But slowly, as it became clear that his kid wouldn�t be returning, all of Logan�s feelings had slowly shifted into something darker. Now, he realized with a pang, he barely remembered what it felt like to know anything but rage and hatred. He was even slowly losing memories of the kid, of his silky hair and the way his eyes would turn down when he leaned in to-
~Running away?
The professor�s voice didn�t startle him. He had been expecting Xavier to contact him for quite awhile.
�I need a break.� He said. �What�s the point of sitting around moping and watching that damn-� He broke off, there seemed no point in continuing.
~Very little probably. But I�ve also found that very little good comes from bitterness and hatred.
�Save your sermons for someone who gives a fuck, Chuck.� Wolverine snarled. �As I recall you�re the one who came out if this unscathed. If Gambit hadn�t needed to protect you, he wouldn�t have changed himself into a walking vegetable would he?�
Through the telepathic bond with Xavier he sensed that his word had hurt the old man and he felt a vicious satisfaction. Good. Let the whole world know how he felt. It served them right.
In his mind Xavier sighed. ~Please take care of yourself Logan. Finding one�s self after you have been lost is not easy for anyone, and given your unique abilities I have reason to suspect it would be more difficult for you than for most. Take care that you don�t lose what is the best of you in the first place.
With that cryptic comment he was gone. Suddenly Wolverine was alone in his own mind again.
He got off the bed growling and stomped down to the bar where he proceeded to drown his troubles in alcohol and snarl at any one unwise enough to get to close to him.
From the back of the bar a pair of eyes watch the inebriated X-man. Even from this distance he could feel Wolverine�s animalistic fury radiating from him.
The stranger smiled coldly. Yes, this one would do quite well. He would make an interesting addition to his little collection.