�Logan.� Soft lips brushed his eyelids. He smelled cinnamon and bourbon.
�Logan.� The voice was more insistent this time. Logan opened his eyes. Laughing red and black eyes were inches from his face.
�Hello, mon couer.�
�Remy?�
�Did you miss me?�
�Jesus, Remy.� Logan reached up disbelieving fingers and ran them through the Cajun�s soft red hair.
�I missed you.� Remy brought his lips down onto Logan�s and the older man stopped questioning, lost all thought in the overwhelming sense of completion. Remy was home. His kid had come back to him.
He put his arms around Remy, and pulled the kid into his chest. Remy lay his head down on Logan�s shoulder. �I thought I wouldn�t make it Remy.� Logan said hoarsely. �There were times I actually thought I would go crazy without you. I wasn�t even alive really, just a shadow.�
Remy raised his head. �Just like me.�
�Worse than you. You couldn�t feel the pain, but all I did was hurt.�
�I's okay cher. Remy�s back now. I won�t be leaving you again.�
�I�m not sure I�d survive if you did.� Remy smiled gently and bent his lips down to Logan�s again......
The beep of the alarm clock shattered the silence.
Logan�s blades flashed through the air, slicing open the clock. But it was too late. The kid was gone. He was awake now. Alone.
He lay back in his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He rubbed a hand over his chest where he could still feel the Remy�s weight pressing down on him.
***********************************
It was strange to watch LeBeau now, strange and painful, but Logan couldn�t help himself. He watched anyway, noting the awkward way the man tried to wear his personality like a stranger�s clothes.
LeBeau tried hard to make the others forget there was anything wrong with him. It was a reflex, Logan decided, left over from Remy�s desire that everyone be at ease. Intellectually LeBeau still knew how to charm people, still knew how to tell a joke, or make a clever remark.
But it wasn�t as if he were fooling anyone. Nothing could disguise the blankness of his eyes, eyes that got no joy from making others laugh, that didn�t share their concerns, eyes that could watch them die in front of him and be utterly unmoved.
The faint smell of dishonesty pervaded everything LeBeau did now. It was probably the constant and mendacious effort he expended trying to act as normal as possible. Logan was sure it was kindly meant, but he resented it all the same. He began to avoid being in the same room as LeBeau. Who was this man to walk around so cavalierly disguised as his kid? Who was this man who had destroyed what Logan loved and then sat around the breakfast table telling jokes that no one found funny, least of all himself? Logan�s unease began to crystallized into hatred.
So when LeBeau moved back to the boat house, his only reaction had been one of relief. No, that was a lie. He�d been sad too. He was always sad now.
*****************************
Remy had always been a great fighter, but after the injury he was brilliant. His sense of self preservation, never very strong to begin with, had been eclipsed entirely by his utter lack of fear. It wasn�t that he was careless, or foolhardy, it was simply that lack of emotions led to such clarity of thought and risk evaluation that no member of the team could equal it.
In fact, he cut such a fine line between efficiency and mortal danger, that Scott wondered if LeBeau's judgment weren�t impaired by his disability. He considered removing him from the active duty list and had even discussed it with the professor.
�I�d let it alone.� said Xavier. �After all, what�s the worst that can happen to him?�
Scott blinked at the bleakness of his mentor�s statement.
�He�s still capable of feeling pain, Professor.�
�Indeed,� said Xavier, �But Gambit never lived in any particular fear of physical pain. I once asked him to dedicate his life to the work, to the protection of mutants and humans alike, and he agreed. Having sacrificed so much for it..... it doesn�t seem right that we deny him what little meaning his life has now.�
�He�s still alive Professor.� said Scott, deeply disturbed.
�Yes,� said Xavier, �But looking at him, I�m forced to wonder how much so?�
So Scott had kept Remy�s name on the active duty register, but he had kept a careful eye on the young man. He felt it was important that they not begin treating the boy as a second class citizen, much less as any sort of sacrifice or cannon fodder. If they could no longer appreciate Remy as a person anymore, and even Scott had difficulty genuinely caring about LeBeau as he now was -- his concern was more in honor of the memory of his friend-- then they could certainly appreciate him as a member of the team.
Then one night Logan knocked on Scott�s door. He was wearing his traveling jacket and had a bag slung over his shoulder.
�Going somewhere?� Scot asked.
�I need a break.� said Logan. �I can't do this anymore. I can�t go on living with that- I just have to go away for awhile, clear my head.�
Scott took a deep breath. �Logan, I know this has been difficult for you-�
�Bullshit.� Logan cut him off. �You don�t know. You can�t possibly imagine. Everyday I have to sit across the table from that thing as it makes a mockery of everything I loved in the kid.�
Scott stared. �Logan, Remy was hurt, grievously.�
�He did it to himself.� said Logan violently. �You forget I watched him. I watched him while he burnt everything I loved out of him. I watched while he destroyed his own humanity. I�ll be damned if I hang around to watch what�s left.� His voice shook with emotion.
�The team needs you.�
�What if it were Jean?�
Scott was silent, trying to imagine the love and warmth in Jean�s eyes replaced by cold vacancy.
Logan continued, �The team'll do fine. Gambit�s fighting as well as any two people right now anyway. I can�t live with him Cyke. Don�t ask me to try.�
�Please don�t ask me to choose between you two Logan.� Scott said softly.
�I�m not.� said Logan. �I�ll see you around.� He picked up his bag and headed for the door.
After he was gone Scott went to the window and watched as Logan drove off into the night.