Remy�s progress forced Logan to face some decisions he had avoided thinking about. His guilt and self hatred were still there. They had not diminished. He felt like they hung in a cloud around him, coloring everything. His failure to keep Remy safe, his failure to listen to him, his anger, his�violence. The cast Remy wore was a mute tribute to all of Logan�s sins.
It didn�t seem possible that Remy would be able to forgive him. Logan could see no way around that. He had thrust the boy into danger, practically handed him to the man who had terrorized Remy as a child. If Remy came back sufficiently to realize what he had lost at Fabian�s hands, he would have little choice but to lay that blame at Logan�s feet.
Logan knew Remy, he knew how the kid�s mind worked. If Remy felt obligated to Logan for taking care of him, for rescuing him�if that disaster could be called a rescue�then he might stay with Logan out of a sense of loyalty.
That Logan was determined to prevent. Whatever future he might have with Remy, he was determined that the kid make his own decision, and not to be influenced by what he thought Logan might want or need. It was the least Logan could do.
So after a few nights of Remy�s slow, steady progress, when getting ready for bed, Logan had gently picked up the thin body and walked down the hall to Remy�s old room. He hadn�t been in there since returning actually, had kept Remy in his own bed, curled into the protective circle of his arms.
Now he carefully swept the glass from the floor and changed the bedding, then laid Remy down on the clean, smooth sheets. He hovered over the body for a long time, reluctant to let go, tempted to pull the boy close to him again and keep him close forever.
He couldn�t do that though. Whatever decisions Remy made about the future he would need to be able to make them freely. So Logan had forced himself to back away and turn down the hallway to his empty bed.
Waking up the next morning he found Remy curled against his back. How the kid had managed to get down the hall all by himself, Logan didn�t know. It had never occurred to him that Remy was even capable of walking. He considered the possibility that he had gone and gotten Remy in the middle of the night, sleep walking, although that would have been uncharacteristic of him.
Still he took no chances. The next night, after tucking Remy carefully into bed, he had returned to his own room and carefully locked the door, hiding the key under a precarious tower of miscellaneous coffee mugs he would be unable to disturb without sufficient noise to wake himself up.
It made no difference. He awoke to the familiar warmth of Remy�s arms and legs tangled in his own. Despite his best intentions Logan could not lie to himself about how good it felt to have him there.
The door was standing innocently ajar. It had been expertly picked from the outside. Even in his current state Remy appeared determined to be with Logan. The Canadian sighed in bemused resignation. It appeared the kid had made his decision.
He was combing Remy�s hair one evening when he noticed a strange look in Remy�s eyes. It took him several seconds to notice actually, he had grown used to Remy opening his eyes sightlessly for some time now. This time though, something was a little different.
Logan suddenly noticed a thing thread of muscle standing out against the perpetually slack body.
�Remy?� He asked softly.
The black and red eyes reacted, coming up to meet his. There could be no doubt of the recognition in them.
�Logan.� It was barely a whisper.
Logan felt his eyes stinging. �Hi there.� He said. A million words raced through his mind. He couldn�t seem to speak.
�How are you?� He could have kicked himself for the banality of it as soon as the words were out of his mouth. It sounded like they were at a cocktail party.
Remy seemed to consider the question slowly, taking stock of his body for the first time in weeks. �I�m fine.� He said a little wonderingly. He smiled at Logan. �I think I�m all here.�
Smiling like a fool Logan reached out to brush a wisp of hair from Remy�s eyes.
Remy flinched as Logan�s fingers brushed his forehead.
Logan snapped his hand back as of burnt. Remy got a hold of himself almost immediately and stilled.
�Je suis d�sol�.� It was barely a whisper.
�No. It was me. I�m sorry.� Logan�s heart was breaking. He tried to edge off the bed, to give Remy more room, so that the boy would have no reason to fear.
Remy caught his hand. �No.� He said. �No, not like that. It will take time, oui?� He pulled Logan into a fierce hug. �Time is a small price to pay.�
Logan could only run his hand through the silky hair, incapable of any thought at all.
There were other prices too, Remy had lost some of his memories, pulled from him into Fabian�s void. He tried to cover it up, to hide a little from Logan the extent of the damage, but Logan knew all the same. It saddened him, these things that had been taken from Remy could never grow back.
More poignant was the edgy quality to the kid now, a sort of quiet desperation that shook Logan more than he could admit and reminded him of something at the same time.
<It�s like he was in the beginning, when he had first come here and didn�t trust us.>
Except it wasn�t the team that Remy distrusted now, it was the mansion itself. Before it had always been his haven, a place of escape and recovery. Now that faith was shattered. Someone had come here, to the center of his family and taken him away, as Remy had always subconsciously thought thy might. Logan hoped the trust would grow back. He understood that it would take time.
Even weeks after he had woken Remy continued to flinch at unexpected touches. It tore at Logan�s heart. Remy had always loved to be touched, used to sit for hours, eyes almost closed, reveling in the feeling of Logan�s hand on his back or his legs. Now, when he saw someone reach out, the muscles in his jaw tensed.
�Does it hurt you?� Logan asked.
�Non.� Said Remy, then feeling he should elaborate, �It hurt when he, Fabian�.. I grew used to someone touching me because they wanted to take something.� He looked at the floor as he said it.
Logan understood. That too would take time to heal. Remy�s cast was already off, his wrist was fine, though it would always be a little weaker than the left one. They had not spoken of it. Logan knew that Remy wanted to put it behind them, and for his own part, he had nothing to say. Words could never go deep enough to touch the limits of his remorse.
Then he was woken in the night by a soft cry. Remy was having another nightmare.
�Don�t� he pleaded. �Don�t.�
Logan began to reach out to him but Remy�s next words froze his blood.
�Take me.� Muttered Remy. �Take me, instead.�
Logan gave a stifled moan. It was loud enough to bring Remy awake and upright instantly. �Cher?� he reached out towards his lover.
�Don�t touch me.� Logan backed away.
Remy stopped, stunned. �Cher?�
�I�ve been dying inside.� Logan muttered. �For a month now, longer, killing myself with guilt because I didn�t protect you, because I almost lost you. I thought I had failed you by letting Fabian take you. The truth was much worse than that, wasn�t it Remy?�
Remy stared at Logan, pale. He shook his head, no.
�You traded yourself to him didn�t you? He was what? Threatening to feed on the rest of us, and you made a deal with him.�
�No cher.� Said Remy softly. �He drugged me. I told you.�
�Then before that? After? I know you too well Remy. When did you sell yourself for our protection?�
Remy looked away. Logan felt his heart crumble inside him.
�I failed you.� He whispered. �I failed you in every way. God Remy, how can you stand to have me near you? I was supposed to protect you. I let that man�..� Logan didn�t even hear his own works. He felt like he was falling into his own darkness, his own failure and he would never be able to find his way out. �Why couldn�t I save you? Why couldn�t I save you?�
Remy cupped his hands gently around Logan�s face. �Don�t.� he said. �Don�t do that.�
He leaned his head against Logan�s shoulder. �This wasn�t your fault. Fabian was my past. I told you that. I�m the one who led him here.�
Logan looked at him. �And you blame yourself for that don�t you?�
�I want to.� Said Remy. He paused, considering. �I suppose you would say that was wrong.� Logan opened his mouth, but Remy shook his head. �Let me say this.
�It is hard not taking the weight of everything on my own shoulders.� He tried to smile. �But I know you are wrong sitting here, hating yourself like you do. You are not to blame, you did protect me, against all odds. So if I know you are wrong, and you know I am wrong, then we must make a pact, to trust each other to be right.�
Logan pulled Remy in a tight embrace. �I keep seeing him, Remy, standing over your�. I thought I had lost you.�
�I know.� Said Remy. �It will be harder to recover this time. There was so much darkness for both of us.�
He paused, then said. �I didn�t save you Logan, not from Fabian. But I would like to try to save you now.�
Logan looked into the eyes of his kid. �And I will keep my promise.� He said. �I will save you to.�
Neither slept much that night. They lay still, holding each other silently, comforted by the sense of touch.