Janine strictly refused to allow Logan into Remy�s room for almost three days. Logan snarled, and cajoled and almost tried bagging, but Janine would say firmly, �He is in a very fragile state right now. He has no shields to speak of and I�m afraid of slowing his recovery, or even injuring him.�
Logan considered asking why Janine wasn�t worried that Storm would hurt Remy, but he would. He thought better of it though. It was never a good idea to ask questions you already know the answer to.
He passed the time prowling the waiting room outside the clinic, and when Moira finally kicked him out, he prowled the cliffs along the ocean, snarling a little at the seabirds for fun, or sitting on a rock, brooding about the future.
It was a very long three days.
Then, at breakfast Janine casually said, �I think Remy is probably strong enough for visitors now, if you like.�
Logan forced himself not to bolt from the table then and there. He sat calmly through the meal, not fooling anyone. As the group stood Janine said, �I have some work that needs desperate attention. Logan, I assume you can find your own way to the clinic?�
Storm also took her self off quietly. Logan didn�t know whether to be grateful or annoyed. He had wanted to talk to Remy and the things they had to say were most definitely private, but walking the long white hall to the clinic he felt nervous, almost scared. No, scratch that he was terrified.
Remy was sitting up in bed. He looked pale and very drawn. He met Logan�s eyes as he came into the room.
�How are you feeling?�
Remy shrugged. �I�m fine, a bit of a headache is all. They say I am not allowed to get out of bed for a few days.� He picked at the bed clothes absently.
�That�s good. You need rest.� The silence stretched out. There seemed too many things to say between them. Logan didn�t even know where to begin. After a moment he said, �Why didn�t you tell me?�
�About the curse?� Remy shrugged a little. �I�m a coward, I think. I wanted you near me so badly. And I couldn�t stand the thought of you looking at me like�..like the way you are now.�
�Like what?� but Logan already knew, he could feel on his own face the unfamiliar wariness, the very slight fear that betrayed the fact that the wearer never quite believed they were entirely safe with you.
He was familiar with the expression. It was how other people, even those who knew him best, looked at him. Remy never had though. He had always met Logan�s eyes with an openness that had amazed him, so unused to it was he. That was gone now. Remy wouldn�t even raise his eyes from the bedspread.
�Like you knew I was one of them.� Remy�s long finger�s kept picking at the blanket threads. �I knew, that first night you had a nightmare, that there could be no future for us. I just always wanted as long as possible with you. Not telling seemed the easiest way.�
�It was a lie, everything between us. You hid yourself from me.�
�Oui, I did. I wanted so badly to be the one for you Logan, I would have done anything. If the curse had been in my side I would have cut it out, but I couldn�t. It is an evil that goes all through me.�
Logan didn�t know what to say. He wanted to tell Remy not to be ridiculous, that no mutation was a curse. Remy knew him though, had held him while Logan had screamed his terror and rage at the telepaths who had scarred him. He knew that the words would sound trite, perhaps even hypocritical. Before he could open his mouth Remy distracted him again.
�I want you to know I�m sorry.�
�Sorry?�
�What I did was wrong. Sorry, it is an insufficient word. I didn�t know how badly I would hurt you, and then, after the end, when I felt you pain��� Remy to a breath to steady himself, then continued. �I never should have let it get that far between us, I never should have begun, knowing it was hopeless. I am so sorry Logan. I never dreamt you would feel that deeply for me.�
His voice shook a little. Logan looked up sharply. The kid�s hands were shaking on the bedspread. Remy was exhausted, almost at the end of his strength. Whatever Logan himself needed to say, could wait.
�You need to sleep.� He said gruffly. �We�ll talk about it later.� Even to his own ears it sounded more like a threat than a promise.
He went back out to the waiting room, and, since he had nothing better to do, sat in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs. There was a television in front of him, but though his eyes were on the screen he didn�t see the images that passed before his eyes.
He was angry, and the more he thought about it, the more angry he got. He kept replaying the conversation with Remy.
< I didn�t know how badly I would hurt you.> Little shit. What did he expect? How easy had he thought it would be? What had he thought Logan was doing all that time anyway? That Remy hadn�t known how intensely Logan valued their relationship stung him, that Remy knew him so little, who should have known him best was deeply embarrassing. A few hours ago, Logan had thought he couldn�t feel worse, but it appeared he was wrong.
<I never dreamt you would feel that deeply.> That was just rude. It bordered on the unkind.
In the back of his mind though, Logan wondered if Remy weren�t right. Certainly he presumed an apparent callousness that Logan would not have thought himself processing. But Remy had known that Logan would not be able to handle his empathic abilities, had known instinctively, that it was the one thing in the world Logan would be unable to overcome. What else might he be right about?
Deep into his brooding Storm walked in. She glanced over at Logan. �I love do him, but Remy can be a real bastard.� She said. It was apropos of nothing, but so close to Logan�s own thoughts that he started a little.
�Don�t tell me, you�re psychic too.�
Storm chuckled. �Oh no. One hardly needs special powers to perceive my brother�s ability to aggravate.� She sat down beside him.
�He just apologized for getting involved with me, said he wouldn�t have if he�d known it would hurt me when he broke it off.�
�Ah.�
Logan looked at her sharply. �Did you know? About the empathy?�
She nodded a little. �He never told me, but I�d guessed there was something like that. There were too many things he knew without being told, when I needed someone to talk to, when to keep away, but other things too. No one could have been as intuitive as he was. When I met him, as a child with no memory, he knew something was wrong about me long before I�d even begun to guess.�
Logan grunted. Apparently he was inobservant as well as callus. One more reason to feel stupid. He hardly needed another.
After a pause Storm spoke again. �It is an odd sort of selfishness, my brother�s. He does not consider how his actions may hurt those around him, because he thinks so little of himself that he cannot imagine a world where anyone will really care what he does one way or another.�
�It�s cold comfort.�
�Yes, I suppose so. Even so, I hope you will go easy on him Logan, easier than he deserves. He isn�t like the rest of us. Even you and I, fucked up as we are, have had, at some point, a person who loved us, who taught us what that was. Remy never did. He does not understand the obligation that comes with another�s love. I think that, in many ways, he is still that orphaned boy alone, not trusting anyone.�
�He should have trusted me.�
�Yes. I agree. There is no one more worthy of his trust.� Storm sighed, then stood. �Come here, I want to show you something.�
She led him back into the medical unit, into the room where Remy lay in the white hospital bed.
�Moira gave him something to help him sleep a few minutes ago. We won�t disturb him.� Storm spoke softly. �I wanted to show you this.� She carefully pulled up the covers on one side of Remy and lifted his arm across his chest. She ran her fingers down his side.
The scar was long. It curved a little over Remy�s shoulder blade, down over his ribs and disappeared inside the waistband of the boxers that were his only clothing. It was an ugly thing, crooked and deep, parts of it were wider than others as whatever had caused it had torn away chunks of skin on its way down Remy�s side. At the top, where the blow had been struck there was a smaller network of scars where the skin had literally cracked open under the pressure.
Logan nodded. �I�ve seen it.�
�Hank offered to remove it, with the Shi�ar technology, but Remy wouldn�t let him. Do you know how he got it?�
�He never told me.�
Storm placed her hand on Remy�s shoulder. �The first time he made love with another man he was sixteen. It was his first relationship. They thought they were in love. When they climaxed, Remy�s shields went down. Remy thought it was normal, that all sex ended with you feeling your partner. The other man knew more about what had happened. He was horrified: he had given himself to a freak. He became enraged, pulled my brother off the bed. He bound Remy�s hands with duck tape and chained him to a radiator. Then he beat him with an iron pipe.�
Logan sucked in his breath, but Storm kept speaking. �When he was finished, he left Remy for dead. The landlord found him two days later while trying to serve an eviction notice. Had he come an hour or two later and Remy would have died. As it was, he barely survived the trip to the hospital.�
�He told you this?�
�Some. When we were talking about our first manifestations of our powers, he was obviously referring to an experience that had nothing to do with the charge. I pieced the rest of it together from an old tabloid article and a chat with the landlord years later. Logan, that�s how Remy found out he was an empath.�
Logan looked at the still figure on the bed, the ugly scar. It seemed incredible that some one so young could hide so much pain.
He was silent a long time. When Storm spoke again she sounded apprehensive. �I was right to tell, wasn�t I? I wanted you to understand. It would not be easy, to show him what it means to be loved would be very difficult. But you will never find anyone who loves you as Remy does, Logan. I know this. I have never met anyone with such a capacity for love as he has.�
�I know.�
Logan thought of Remy, coming home all those night he had thought the kid had been catting around, killing himself with drink so that bear the pain of his gift, sneaking around so that no one would know he had saved a life. The kid was always alone. Everything he did, even the most noble things were hidden in a veil of secrets and shame.
He heard Storm quietly leave the room, but he did not take his eyes off Remy�s body. What she had told him about Remy should not make any difference to him. God knew they both had their Demons. And yet it had, it made all the difference.
Logan felt the anger that had been poisoning his for so long slowly drain away. This wasn�t about him, it never had been. Remy hadn�t left him because he was bestial, or boring, untrustworthy. This had been about Remy�s own ghosts, not just in terms of what he was willing to share with Logan, but even in terms of his ability to share himself at all.
Logan could help him. He could teach Remy. Storm was wrong, it wouldn�t be difficult, it would be the most wonderful work he had ever done.
In turn, helping Remy to face his past, Logan would have to fight his own Demons as well. It had been too long since he had been held captive by the men who had tormented him. They had stolen his humanity, and through his fear he had let them keep a part of it all these years. He couldn�t afford that now. If he were to free Remy from his past, he would have to free himself as well. Remy would help him, Logan knew this. Remy would save him as no one else could.
Remy opened his eyes slowly. Logan watched from his place leaning against the wall as awareness came into the red and black eyes.
�You should have told me.�
Remy looked up at him, his gaze was haunted. �I couldn�t.�
�I know.� Logan crossed to the bed. �I know you believe that.�
He sat down on the bed beside the kid. His throat felt dry. �Remy, what I told you before, about the project X, how they hurt me, it was all true. I don�t know if I can change that. This fear has been a part of me for so long, I don�t know if I will ever be able to give it up.�
Remy nodded. �Oui. I know.�
�If you were willing, I�d like to try.�
Remy stared at him for a long moment. �Why?�
Logan smiled. �Because I love you, and that never stopped. If the past five days didn�t change that Remy I don�t think anything could. And I think you love me to, or you could, if you let yourself.�
Remy nodded slowly. He thought for a long time. �We will have to got slow, and start at the beginning again. We are different people to each other now.�
Logan nodded. They would both need time, these changes would not be easy.
Remy took in one deep breathe. �I never allowed myself any hope.�
�That will have to change.� Logan smiled as the kid catapulted himself into his arms so hard Logan flopped back on the bed with the kid on top of him. As his arms closed around the Cajun he felt the Wolverine rise up inside him, marking his own. <Mine. This is mine. Always.>
Remy raised his head a little bit to meet Logan�s eyes. Amid the wonder, joy and hope that lit up his whole face Logan thought he could catch the faintest feline glint in response. <I know.> it said. <I know.>