As they had discussed, they moved forward slowly, so slowly it took Logan an embarrassingly long time to notice something was wrong.
At first he made excuses for Remy. He told himself that Remy didn�t want Logan to give him oral sex because he was shy, and inexperienced with a reciprocal relationship, things Logan hoped would change eventually. But then he noticed that Remy never came when they were making love.
Remy still got hard�painfully so by the looks of it�but he never found release. Logan thought it might be a form of impotency�whether physical or psychological, he didn�t know. After what his kid had been through it wasn�t a surprise, it might have been more surprising if there hadn�t been side affects to that kind of trauma. He wanted to ask Remy what the matter was, and if he would consider going to Hank, but he hesitated a little.
Remy was obviously sensitive his condition. He took pains to hide his erection from Logan after they had finished with sex, using a variety of tricks that surprised Logan in their ingenuity and efficacy. If it hadn�t been such a serious subject he would have been amused, and wondered how stupid Remy thought he was.
Obviously they needed to talk, one way or the other. As Logan was known neither for his delicacy, nor his tact, he bided his time, waiting for the right moment. It was important that Remy understand that Logan was concerned, not repulsed, that he wanted his lover to find the same joy in their sex as he himself did and that Remy was not less of a man in his eyes for having this problem.
So things continued this way for a few weeks, until the night that Remy got up to use the bathroom, as he often did after they had had sex, and Logan, going in right after him, smelled semen in the small room.
Then he really did feel stupid. How had this slipped his attention? Remy did come after they had been having sex. He jerked himself off, in the bathroom. Alone.
What the hell was going on? Logan came out of the bathroom perturbed. He found Remy already asleep. The kid snuggled closer to him as Logan climbed into bed, making a happy sound in the back of his throat. Logan ran his hand up and down Remy�s back, staring out into the darkened room and worrying.
Was it a way of avoiding some kind of intimacy? Was this some sort of incarnation of Remy feeling like he was a whore, that he could pleasure his lover, but couldn�t get satisfaction himself? Was it narcissism? Logan lay there dreaming up explanations, each more improbable than the last, until at last he fell into an uneasy sleep.
He awoke to find Remy sprawled on top of him again, the smooth auburn hair scattered over his chest and mingling with his own coarse, dark curls. He reached out and tucked a strand behind Remy�s ear.
�Darlin�. You awake?�
Remy turned over to look at him, his head still on Logan�s chest. ��allo, lover.�
�Remy, there�s something we need to talk about.�
Remy ran his hand over Logan�s chest. �That sounds serious.�
�I don�t know. It may be. Darlin� I need to know why you don�t come when we�re together.�
Remy went very still. It was as if the warm body on top of Logan�s had suddenly turned to stone. Logan felt like a cad, but it didn�t change anything, they had to talk about it.
�I didn�t know ya�d noticed.� Remy finally whispered.
�Of course I noticed darlin�. I just didn�t say anything before now, I didn�t want to embarrass you. I thought it might be a medical thing, because of�. your past.� He paused. Remy didn�t speak. �Is that what it is, a medical problem?�
He had given Remy an easy way out and he saw the shift in the kid�s eyes as Remy decided to take it.
�Yeah. It is.�
�Don�t lie to me, Remy. I need to know what�s going on.�
There was a sadness in Remy�s eyes that Logan had never seen there before. �Logan,� he said, still almost whispering. �I ain�t never felt for anyone what I feel for you. If I swear to you that this is not something I can help, that I know this for a fact, will that be enough for you?�
Logan thought about it. �I don�t know.� He said finally. �I can try to accept it I guess, to wait until you�re ready to tell me.�
�I can�t ever�� but Remy stopped himself. �Thank you.� He said softly. Then he rose and went into the shower, putting the matter behind them.
Logan managed to convince himself that this conversation was enough for about 18 hours. That was when he and Remy had finished sex and Remy had gotten up to go into the bathroom and finish himself off.
<Fuck this.>
Logan got out of bed and silently opened the bathroom door. Remy was standing with his back to him. Logan reached out and grabbed him from behind, grinning wolfishly. �Let me help.�
Nothing could have prepared him for the way Remy cried out, shoving Logan back and leaping to the far side of the bathroom, his back to the wall, his eyes wide with terror. Logan took a step back from the scent of fear that poured off the young man.
Shit. That hadn�t been well thought out. Now Remy was panting like a caged animal and Logan felt like he might have a heart attack himself.
�Stay back.� Said Remy.
�It�s okay darling. I�m sorry, I shouldn�t have sneaked up on you like that.�
�It�s fine,� said Remy �just don�t touch me.� His erection had evaporated. He looked very worn.
Logan was torn. �Remy, I would never hurt you.�
�I know that cher, that�s not what this is about.�
�Then what is it about?�
�I can�t tell you.�
�Yes, you can.�
�No.�
�Remy, there is nothing so awful that it could come between us.�
�You don�t understand.�
Logan bodily picked up the young man and dragged him back into the room. �You see that?� He pointed at his claw marks deep in the wall. �You remember that? I put that in the wall when I told you, you wouldn�t understand. You said I was wrong and I trusted you, and it worked out. Now do the same for me. Trust me Remy. This will work out. There is nothing you can say that�s going to change how I feel about you.�
Remy stood staring at the wall, then he dropped his eyes to his feet. Hours seemed to pass. �Logan, I can�t.�
Logan crossed to the window, running his fingers though his hair, staring out at the morning sunlight. What to do now?
Behind him Remy spoke. �Logan, why is this so important to you?�
Logan turned, stunned. �Why is this important? Never mind that it�s fucking humiliating to have a lover who would rather jerk himself off on the can than let me touch him. You have a problem Remy, one you aren�t willing to share or let me help with. Besides that there�s something bigger going on here, and you�re shutting me out. Shutting me out of a huge part of yourself, and that means you aren�t sharing yourself with me, not completely, not at all.�
�Logan we both have a past, we both have secrets-�
�Not like this. Not with something that affects our lives so much here and now. We tell each other those things.�
�But I can�t.� Remy repeated.
�Then I can�t be with you.� Logan paused, stunned by the finality he heard in his own voice. �I can�t be with you in the way I want, so I�d rather not be with you at all.� He turned towards the door. He felt cold all over.
�Logan.� Remy called him and Logan turned. He saw hurt and confusion in Remy�s eyes. �Logan, it�s just sex.�
�I wasn�t talking about sex, Remy. You know that. To me nothing was �just� anything with you.�
He closed the door softly behind him.
Remy sat down on the bed heavily. It was over. He�d know exactly how it would end, had been preparing himself for it in fact, trying to store up memories of Logan, trying to make each second they spent together count. None of that had helped. The pain now literally took his breath away. He couldn�t even cry, he just sat on the bed and stared blankly ahead of him until he was called to the Danger Room by Scott.
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For the first few weeks Logan really believed that Remy would break down and come to him. He waited, hoping for Remy to appear at his door, to say whatever he needed to say so that the two of them could move forward.
But weeks passed and turned into months, and Remy did not come. Slowly it occurred to Logan that he wasn�t going to. The kid had moved on, it was over. A million times he considered breaking down himself, going to the kid, saying he would take him on any terms. He never did, it would have been a lie. Remy would have known it as much as Logan.
He couldn�t even cry, or scream or destroy his room, like he would have a few years ago. He felt too desolate, too tired and used up, and way too old. He didn�t understand how a person could get to be this old and still have a heart that went on beating. He felt like nothing would ever happen that would make him happy or sad ever again.
Still Logan was shocked, when barely a month after the breakup Remy started going out again. He would leave the mansion two, sometimes three times a week in the early evening and return much later, stumbling in drunkenly, always smelling of a different person.
That was how it was. Logan could live with it. He�d been alone before, left before, scorned and lied to before. Really on balance this shouldn�t have been harder than anything else that had happened to him.
Except it was. The nights were the worst. During the days he could keep himself busy, but he�d never needed much sleep. Even when he and Remy�.even when he and Remy had been together he had spent many hours laying beside the Cajun, reading with his night vision, or just holding the boy.
Now he found he couldn�t even read. Sometimes he tried to watch T.V., but that didn�t work, it only pissed him off with its jabbering stupidity. He just lay in bed, listening to his heart beat, aching with loneliness. He hated himself at night as he lay there, waiting to hear the Cajun come in. He hated himself, but he always heard the soft footsteps coming down the hall. Every night.
One of those night, about a week after Remy had started going out he hadn�t come home until almost 5. Logan found him in the kitchen later that morning, stooped over the counter making coffee, obviously tired from his nights excesses. Logan could still smell the bourbon on the kid�s breath.
He felt a surge of anger that surprised him. He wanted to fly at the kid, spin him around, shake him, shout at him. �What the hell are you doing? Do you enjoy your late night trysts? Do you come for them Remy? Do you share with them what you don�t share with me?�
He couldn�t, obviously. So he settled for saying, �Late night, last night.�
Remy paused in his pouring. �Oui.� It was the first word he had said to Logan since Logan had walked out of his room a month ago.
�But then I suppose you had a lot of time to make up for, after the past few months.� He didn�t bother to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
�Yes.� Said Remy simply. �I suppose I did.� His voice was devoid of any emotion.
Logan looked up sharply. A thin thread of blood snaked down Remy�s lip. As he watched a single drop fell, forming a perfect red circle on the plate Remy was holding. Remy stared at it dully for a second, then grabbed a paper towel and pressed it to his nose.
�Excuse moi.� He hurried from the room.
Logan rubbed the tension from his jaw, then dismissed the incident from his mind. It wasn�t his business, Remy was no longer his concern. It was a lesson he had better start learning.
Though it was harder than it should have been, especially when Remy got another nose bleed three days later in the Danger Room. Logan looked at the kid. Something was off. Remy had lost weight. He had always been thin, now he was gaunt. The nose bleeds weren�t normal either, they hinted at a frailty that was uncharacteristic of the Cajun.
He would have liked to chalk it up to Remy feeling as tortured about their break-up as he did. That didn�t seem likely. So what? Drugs maybe. Remy was out late at night. Logan knew from experience he associated with some pretty shady characters. It couldn�t be cocaine, he would have smelled it. Some new designer drug maybe?
Over the next week he kept a closer watch on Remy and was concerned by what he saw. The kid was twitchy, fidgeting constantly. At the same time he seemed sluggish, his lightning reflexes much slower than usual and he took a couple of nasty falls in the DR he should have been able to avoid easily. In addition he was sleeping a lot, almost all the time he wasn�t training or partying. He even stopped coming to meals, and his weight loss sped up.
At the end of a week Logan felt that he had enough evidence to go to Scott and the professor with his suspicions. Scott seemed very worried, but to Logan�s surprise the professor seemed almost blas� about his concerns.
�I think you should insist Remy get a full work up from Hank.� Said Logan. Scott looked about to agree.
�I don�t think that such drastic measures are called for yet.� Answered the Professor. �Especially with Remy, who has some trust issues I think we�re all aware of. If possible I would like to give him time, so that he can decide to come to us for help.�
�By then it might be too late.� Logan was frustrated.
�I don�t really think that dramatics are called for Logan. At most you�ve observed a little weight loss and a few nose bleeds, not unusual incidents after a major life change.�
�What life change?� Then Logan realized that the professor had been talking about his and Remy�s breakup. �Oh.�
�It is good of you to worry, I�m sure you have only Remy�s best interests at heart. On the other hand I think it is important not to over react.�
�Yes sir.� There was a pause. The interview was over. Logan headed for the door. It would be weeks later, thinking back on that conversation that he would realize Xavier had deliberately put him on the defensive in order to conclude the interview as quickly as possible.
As it was he was barely halfway down the hall before the office door closed again and he heard Scott call out, �Logan, can you spare a second?�
�What?� Logan growled. �You want to tell me not to waste anymore of your time with dramatics?�
�Actually I was going to ask if you would keep watching out for other worrying behavior from LeBeau.�
�Was that Chuck�s idea?�
�No, just mine. The Professor has a lot on his mind.�
�Whatever.� Logan turned and stalked back down the hall. Scott let him go, he knew nothing was going to stop Logan from watching Remy anyway. He doubted the devil himself could.