Wolverine took a deep breath and knocked on the professor�s door. �Enter.� came the voice from within.
Wolverine entered the bright, well decorated office. There was a fire burning in the grate to ward off the early spring chill. It was a place meant to relax a visitor, to invite confidences�.
�Ah. Logan.� Said Xavier, �Come in. How can I help you?�
Wolverine sank into a chair, trying to gather his thoughts. He watched the professor, knowing Charles could sense the anxiety and confusion that must be pouring out of him. Hell, the old man probably knew what he wanted to say better than Logan did himself.
It had been three weeks since Remy and Logan had returned from the cabin and in that time Logan had seen the Cajun everywhere, not just in actuality, but in hundreds of memories that haunted him wherever he went in the mansion. Memories in the bedrooms of course, but almost more poignant were memories of the Cajun in the kitchen, cooking, laughing, the Danger Room, the tree where Logan had first learned that Remy was an empath, had kissed him�these and so many more sometimes Logan felt he couldn�t breathe, that he would sink under their weight. Then he would look up and see Remy as he was now, a shadow, a mannequin, but someone whose appearance brought it all back to him so clearly he felt his heart split open again every time he saw the man.
�Is something troubling you, Logan?� Charles prompted gently, after Logan had sat lost in thought for several moments.
�I, uh, I was wondering� I wanted to know if there were any treatment options, for Gambit�s condition I meant. His lack of emotions that is, a cure, perhaps?�
�Treatment for Remy?� Charles took a breath. �You�re asking about treatment for him now. May I ask what prompted this question?�
�Well,� suddenly it all came out in a rush, �I started wondering while we were in the woods, when Gambit was bringing me back from�being feral. I mean, before I had been so angry, I hadn�t really thought�but that time, with him, up there, it gave me a chance to see him. I mean he really is badly hurt. And well, if it had been a broken arm, or even a missing arm or something, we could have�.. what I mean is, when I let go of the anger I started to think, maybe we could help him through this. He�s come back from worse, God knows. Physically he�s perfect. So I was just wondering if there had been any news. On treatments and such.� God he was babbling. He forced himself to shut up by clamping down on his tongue.
�I see.� Xavier exhaled. �Well, as it happens, Moira has been developing a treatment that might help someone in Remy�s circumstances. It is still in the final stages of testing, but there is reason to hope it would be possible to begin use in the early part of next year.�
Logan felt an overwhelming rush of emotion. �That�s wonderful-� he started to say, but Xavier cut him off.
�However I have discussed the matter with Remy and I find that he has very little interest in receiving treatment.�
Logan stared at him. �What do you mean?�
�Exactly that. Remy is unenthusiastic at the idea of ever having his emotions restored to him.�
�Well, of course not.� Blustered Logan. �I mean he�s unenthusiastic about everything. That�s the problem. But he�s not in his right mind.�
�That is possible.� Said Xavier ironically. �Certainly you can think of no other reason why Remy would hesitate to have his emotions restored to him? In his current state he most probably weighed the cost-benefit of the emotions and decided that on the whole he would suffer considerably less pain by remaining as he was.�
�And you listened to him?� Logan could feel himself getting angry, his voice more guttural. �He shouldn�t have a choice. He�s hurt so bad he doesn�t know it. It�s up to us to help him whether he likes it or not.�
�Every person has a right to refuse treatment, Wolverine. If Remy had a moral, or personal objection to, say, heroic measures after sever brain damage, or painful chemotherapy at the end stages of cancer, we would respect his wishes.�
�But this is different! I mean it�s easy to forget, I know professor, �cause on the outside he looks so perfect. But inside he�s hurt really badly. We need to remember that.�
Xavier paused again. �Logan, I would like to show you something mentally, if you will give me permission.�
�You want to go in my mind.?� Logan asked suspiciously.
�On the contrary. I would like you to come into mine. It is your own decision of course, however, I think it might help you to see this situation in a new light.�
Logan hesitated for a second. Then overcome with curiosity, he sighed, closing his eyes, and reached out towards Xavier with his mind.
There was a noise in his ears and a powerful sense of movement. Suddenly every object in the room seemed to stand out in his mind with a clarity he had never experienced before. He realized that the noise in his ears was the rush of his own blood. He opened his eyes, and gasped.
He was still in the professor�s study, but was now sitting on the other side of the big, antique desk. The room too had changed. It danced with hundred of colors, colors he had never even imagined existed.
On the other side of the room, slouched in an incandescent chair was a figure, vaguely human in form, but where the head should be was a myriad of shifting features, like the merging of a man and a wolf, but constantly changing and glowing with vibrant life and color.
�What the hell is that?� He grunted. But he couldn�t hear his own words.
�That is you, Logan.� Xavier sounded vaguely amused. �That is you as I see you, when I am looking through my mind.�
�It�s amazing.� Logan breathed, and suddenly the walls all around them became clear, as Xavier reached out towards the other occupants of the mansion. He saw the den where the glittering, crystalline Bobby was losing at chess to the bright bolt of cloud and energy that was Storm. He saw Rouge�s shifting green and rainbow form in the kitchen talking with the calming, powerful energy of Jean, which surged in a smiling nod of acknowledgement as she felt the professor�s presence. In the situation room he saw the powerful energy of Scott bent over a computer and talking to a figure next to him�
Logan felt himself go cold. Beside Scott, stood a shape that was undoubtedly Gambit, but where all his other friends had been pulsing arcs of energy and color, Remy was�..burnt. That was the only word for it. Instead of color, he was only a grainy black, with little traces of what must have been his original colors running in crooked, muted slashes along his figure. He was stiff and half burnt away where the others had been vibrant and alive. There was something terrifying about the sight of him, standing there, crippled and blackened, next to Scott�s radiant energy, something that seemed indicative of all the horror in the world�a burned and blackened body allowed to walk the streets of the living.
Logan sat up in his chair gasping for breath. The room was quiet, everything was as it had been before. The fire sparked in the grate. Across the desk Xavier sat watching him.
�You see Logan,� he said, very quietly, �I have not forgotten that Remy was injured. Indeed I believe that I have a rather unique insight into the full extent of those injuries. My advice to you is to take time to grieve for your friend. Remy died that day in the lab. Rather than spend time trying to turn back the clock, you need to come to grips with what happened.�
�That�s bullshit.� Logan snapped. �He ain�t dead. He�s hurt. I can�t be expected to give up on him just because you all seem to have.�
Xavier looked up at him, and meeting his glance Logan shivered. It occurred to him that Xavier was very angry, more angry than Logan had ever seen him.
�You may not realize it Logan, but I make a covenant with each member of the X-men, with each child that comes to me for help. They fight for my cause, making it their own, protecting each other and the world, but in my turn I have an obligation to each of them, to protect, to shelter them from harm.
�Remy was hurt because I failed, because I wasn�t careful, because I was arrogant. He did that damage to himself because of me. He inflicted those wounds upon himself to save me, when I should have been saving him.
�And now you come to me and tell me that it had just occurred to you that Remy was injured? You say that maybe I�ve forgotten. How could I possibly forget? How could I ever forget, even if the evidence were not before me every day in such a brutal fashion? Remy�s life is a debt I can never repay.
�Now he tells me he wants to be spared more pain, that he never wants to feel agony or terror again, that he wants to live without fear. I have failed him in every other way, surely I can do that for him. Surely I can do that little.�
Xavier paused, his breathing slowed. �Forgive me Logan. If you will excuse me I would take a moment to rest.�
Logan rose. His hands were shaking. He felt nauseated.
Xavier spoke again as Logan�s hand was on the doorknob. �I realize that it is hard for you, Logan. I honestly can not imagine anything harder. But you must survive it. You have no other option, none of us do.�
*****************************
The weeks dragged on turning into months. There was no change in Gambit�s character, indeed it seemed the most stable thing in the mansion, and gradually all the residents began to accept. One bleak day Logan realized that he and Remy had now been apart two months longer than they had ever been together. Slowly even the indomitable Wolverine began to give up hope.