ten

Remus got up and left the room. He returned a few minutes later, carrying the pensieve and a small journal. He set the pensieve on the table between them and projected its images onto the wall. They sat back and watched. They saw images of her childhood, her life at Hogwarts, her years with Snape, Snape comforting her when her dad died, their final kiss, crying in Remus’s arms after Snape became a death eater, events with James and Lily, the Longbottoms, and Sirius, Neville’s birth and childhood, life with Remus, Snape coming to her when he made the decision to turn spy, conversations with Dumbledore, Neville’s life with her, scenes with Harry and the Weasleys, the aftermath of the final battle, St. Mungo’s, where a dying Neville lay in her arms, saw her sitting with Frank and Alice as she told them their only son had died defeating Voldemort, ending with the images of the funerals of those who had fallen. The funerals were events Snape and Remus remembered all too well. When the memories were over, neither man dared to look at each other for a few minutes. Remus pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his eyes, while Snape swallowed hard against a lump in his throat. “I almost forget, sometimes, just how beautiful she was.” Snape said, softly, when he dared speak again.

“I know. She left this journal, too, but I can’t open it.”

“Why not?” Snape sneered. “Bound in silver?”

“No. There’s a spell on it. I can’t open it. Dumbledore hasn’t been able to either. Maybe you can.”

“Hold on.” said Snape, turning his head. “Heh-ESHOO, he-ESHH, huh-USHHH. Excuse be.” He sniffled, blowing his nose, then taking the journal from Remus. He tried to open it and failed. “I wonder what she’s got hidden in there, since no one can open it.” “I wonder. I have an idea. She always wanted us to get along. Try opening it with me.” Each man placed a hand on the cover, and the book opened effortlessly. “Figures. Heh-ACHOO.” Snape muttered. He flipped through the book. “There’s only one entry.”

Remus glanced at the first few lines. “It’s…ah-ishshoo…it’s a letter, sort of, to both of us.” They bent their heads and began to read.

Ashling’s letter:

Dear Remus and Severus,

If you guys are reading this, then you figured out how to open it. It also means that some circumstance has brought you together. You guys meant the world to me, and I know my death hurt you. I wish I could explain, and I’m going to try. I’ll try to explain and show you what has been going through my mind. I can only hope that you somewhat understand.

I WISHED I WAS SMARTER. I WISHED I WAS STRONGER.

God, you guys, I wish I was stronger. I wish I knew how to beat this. I wish I was strong enough to get through this. Neville’s death put the light out, and the pain is creeping in. It’s more than I can bear, somedays.

I WISHED I LOVED JESUS, THE WAY MY MOM DOES.

I could really use my mom right now. Her faith was enough to get me through everything.

I WISHED IT HAD BEEN EASIER, INSTEAD OF ANY LONGER.

If it had been easier, maybe it would have been longer. I’m slipping, and I can’t stop it.

I WISHED I COULD HAVE STOOD WHERE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD. THAT WON’T HAPPEN NOW. THAT WON’T HAPPEN NOW.

I wish I could hang in there, make you guys proud that I could get through this. If I could get through this, then I could get through anything, but I can’t.

THERE’S A WHOLE LOT OF SINGING THAT’S NEVER GONNA BE HEARD, DISAPPEARING EVERY DAY WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A WORD, SOMEHOW. THINK I BROKE THE WINGS OFF THAT LITTLE SONG BIRD; SHE’S NEVER GONNA FLY TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

I don’t sing anymore. I barely speak. I get quieter and quieter, almost disappearing into myself. I know Remus is worried. Dumbledore is here almost all the time. I can’t bring myself to owl Sev, to say goodbye to him. It would kill him to see me like this.

I DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS. DON’T HAVE NO GOD TO TEACH ME NO LESSONS.

They keep asking me what is wrong. It’s nothing, nothing and everything at the same time. It’s just…I don’t know, my heart hurts. I know that God wants us to find meaning in suffering, but I feel He’s abandoned me.

I COME HOME IN THE EVENING, SIT IN MY CHAIR. ONE NIGHT, THEY CALLED ME FOR SUPPER, BUT I NEVER GOT UP. I STAYED RIGHT THERE, IN MY CHAIR.

I’ve been walking a lot. I don’t even know where I go anymore. I run; Remus would shoot me if he knew how much I was running, and that I don’t use my inhalator unless I have too. I run until my chest is tight and tears threaten my labored breath. Then I come home and sit, staring at nothing. They call my name, and sometimes, I barely hear them, Last night, I couldn’t even bring myself to get up.

I WISHED I’D HAVE KNOWN YOU. WISHED I’D HAVE SHOWN YOU ALL OF THE THINGS I WAS ON THE INSIDE.

Sev, all I wanted was to be your wife. I’m sure, by now, it has been explained to you why I couldn’t. I wish I’d had the chance to know everything about you. There is so much I never got the chance to say to you.

I’D PRETEND TO BE SLEEPING, WHEN YOU’D COME IN IN THE MORNING, TO WHISPER GOODBYE, GO TO WORK IN THE RAIN. I DON’T KNOW WHY, DON’T KNOW WHY.

Remy, I never really sleep anymore. But I pretend to be, when you come to say goodbye before work. I guess, because I know it gives you peace of mind to believe that I have briefly managed to escape from pain.

EVERYONE’S SINGING, WE JUST WANNA BE HEARD, DISAPPEARING EVERY DAY WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A WORD, SOMEHOW.

I hear the world crying out; am I the only one who hears it? I know that these are supposed to be better times, but there is so much pain and despair out there, and I’m fading under the weight of all of it.

WANNA GRAB AHOLD OF THAT LITTLE SONGBIRD, TAKE HER FOR A RIDE TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

But I can’t. I’ll never rise to the top of the world again. I die tonight.

Sevy, I love you so much. Your love has kept me going as long as it could.

Rems, you have been my best friend and support for so long. Thank you for always being there.

I am so sorry I hurt you guys. I hope that you can find comfort and understanding in each other, since you are the two people who meant the most to me.

Love always and forever,

Ashling Erinn O’Connor

June 3, 2001

Snape blinked back tears and looked at Remus. The werewolf had tears streaming down his face. He cleared his throat and handed Remus a few tissues.

“Thanks.” Remus wiped his eyes and blew his nose. “She wanted more than anything for us to get along. That was the only thing about us that bothered her.”

“Maybe we should talk about it. Huh-ECKSHOO, Huh-ERSHAH. For her, at least.

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