Severus dozed off and awoke a bit later to see Albus Dumbledore sitting there. “Your things are over there.” Dumbledore motioned to a corner of the room. “How are you feeling?”
“Lousy. I hate being sick during allergy season. It’d be nice if I could take some pepper-up and be done with it. Heh-mish, heh-impish.”
“I know. Remus went to the store to get some groceries and tissues and things He’ll be back in about an hour.” He paused. “Severus, you are rather ill. Remus has offered to let you stay here and look after you until you’re better, and I’m going to insist that you do. I think the two of you will be a great help to each other right now. There is much for you to talk about.”
“I have nothing to say to him about Ashling. He did nothing to prevent her death. Heh-chff.”
“That’s not true, Severus. He kept her alive as long as he could. You know she was an empath, right?”
“Yes.”
“She was a very strong, gifted empath. It’s a great gift, but it comes at a great cost. Empaths do not live long lives. It is rare for one of her strength to live as long as she did.”
“Whahh…ahchfff, ahktchh…..what kept her going so long then?”
“Love, Severus. Pure and simple love. Mine, Remus’s, yours, and many other people’s. It kept the light in her eyes longer than I thought possible. We all knew it was coming.”
“If you knew it was coming, why didn’t you stop her? I loved her more than anything; I would have done anything for her; I would have died for her, and you all just let her die!” He yelled.
“Severus, I’m going to try to explain this to you. It’s not easy, and I know you’d rather hold onto your anger, but I’m asking you to listen.
Snape nodded, bringing his hand to his nose. “Haa-chmph, ah-chmmff, har-chmphh, huh-kmphff, chishhmpff, kuhchschh.”
“Gesundheit. As you know, Ashling was a very strong empath. One of the strongest I’ve seen in a long time. She was also very intelligent, one of the brightest Ravenclaws of her year, and that is saying something. When I first met her, I saw how strong she was. I didn’t think she’d make it past 25. She had already been through a lot in 11 years, and she was able to pick up the pain of those around her and feel it, too strongly. But she also had wonderful people around her who loved and supported her. Me, Remus, the Longbottoms, James, Lily, Sirius, and you. The two of you had something special. Everyone thought you’d be together forever.”
“But then…heh-chmphh…I joined the Deatheaters, and she ended it.”
“Not because she didn’t love you. Partly because her skills would be incredibly valuable to Voldemort. In addition to the empathy, she was a gifted seer and a psychometric, to use the muggle term.”
“What’s that? Huh-ishhmphh.”
“She could learn about a person by holding an object of theirs. She could learn their strengths, their weaknesses, their fears, and even their whereabouts. And she was afraid Voldemort would use you to get to her. She also told me this reason, and I can’t fully understand it, but it is a reason for you, so perhaps you can. She told me she gave you up because she couldn’t bear to lose you.”
“She wanted it to be her choice, instead of me being taken from her.”
“I see. You all kept the light in her eyes. As long as that light was there, she would live. I saw that light flicker and dim many times, Severus; when she her father killed himself, her mother’s death, when James and Lily were killed, when Sirius went behind the curtain, and it grew the dimmest when she walked away from you. But it only dimmed; it never went out. I thought losing you would have done it, but it didn’t. She told me it was because she still had hope for you. Are you with me this far?”
Snape nodded, blowing his nose.
“Once the light goes out, there is nothing that can bring it back.”
“What did it for her?”
“Neville’s death. He lived here after his grandmother died. Ashling was Alice’s best friend, and Neville’s godmother.”
“But he died a hero’s death. He defeated Voldemort.”
“Yes, and he was killed by Bellatrix Black, who was killed by Harry and Remus. She loved him like he was her own child. He died in her arms at the hospital and she told Frank and Alice. But, the light went out in her eyes that day. Remus only closed the door to her bedroom. She couldn’t bear to look at Neville’s.”
“What happens when…heh-shhh, hehshmff…whed the light goes out?”
“The light is her only defense against pain. When it dies, the pain comes rushing in. Not only the pain of those around her, but also the pain of the world. You know she was never very healthy, right?”
Snape nodded. “I knew she had asthma, and I know she didn’t feel good a lot of the time.”
“Muggle doctors treated her for depression and some other things I can’t remember the names of. She was in great pain after Neville died, physical pain. The pain of the world around her found its way into her body, weakening her.”
“But why didn’t anyone try and stop her? I assume you, at least, knew it was coming.”
“I did. Remus kept me up to date on her, and towards the end, I was here all the time.” “When did you…hih-shhhshh…know it was the end?”
“Remus owled me. She came down to breakfast and had been crying. When he asked her what was wrong, she said the world hurt, the world had been crying. And she made him put his hand in the dirt, and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t feel anything. We did all we could, Severus. 41 years is a long life for an empath.”
“Were you there when she died? Hehhpishhh, hehpifft.”
“Yes.”
“What happened?”
“She took an overdose of muggle pills while Remus and I stepped outside for some air. I sensed it and ran to her. ‘You’re dying,’ I said; ‘let me,’ she responded, and I did. She would have kept trying until she succeeded. But know this, Severus, she loved you very much, more than anyone.”
“If I hadn’t become a Deatheater, if we had married as we had planned, she could still be alive.” Snape wiped tears from his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Most likely not. There was nothing anyone could have done. Love kept her alive, but there was just too much pain out there. She lived longer than most of us thought, and the love the two of you shared had a great deal to do with that. Her last words to me were to tell you she loved you and not to blame yourself, and she told me to try to explain to you.” Dumbledore went over and wrapped the younger man in a hug. “Remember, Severus, she is not hurting anymore, and she is only as far away as your memories. Remus can help you; I daresay he needs it as well.”
Snape straightened up and blew his nose. “I’ll stay, for her.”
“Do it for you. You can’t keep carrying it around with you. Grief is good, but I fear if you don’t let go of the pain, it will destroy you. It was not a chance encounter you and Remus had in the graveyard today.”
“You had something to do with it?”
“No. I reckon it was something stronger than that.”
“I’ll try, Albus.” He pressed the handkerchief to his nose. “Heh-kemshhh, eh-umphh, huh-pfft, hehkghhtt.”
They heard Remus coming up the stairs. “I’ll leave you now, but remember what I said.” Albus went into the hallway, spoke to Remus and then left.