1) a dare
2) dwarvish cursing
3) crown jewels
4) sunshine

Read the Opposition

Once all eminent danger from the quest had passed and various members of the Fellowship were making their way to their respective homes, it was a fair assumption to say that they parted on the warmest of terms. As each of the members returned to their homes and the small group still remaining dwindled slowly, their beloved companions with which they had shared so much were first and foremost on all their minds.

But many of their friendships withstood the test of time even after the novelty of the quest had gone and visted each other quite frequently, especially the most unlikely pair of Legolas and Gimli.

Today's adventure begins during Legolas's visit to Gimli in his native homeland of Durin. Since this is the first time Legolas has traveled to this dwarven land of caves and mountains, Gimli is very eager to show him the sights of his proud little community. And the first place that crosses his mind is the local watering hole "Biggy's," which was named after an uncommonly large dwarf. That's when all the trouble started...

Gimli: (Pushes aside a swinging door and allows Legolas to enter before him)Well, here we are. What do you think of the place?

Now, if Legolas had ever been to our world and seen a biker bar, this would have inevitably come to his mind. For it was almost exactly like that; what with all the burly bearded dwarves clad in leather and remarkably similar to Gimli in face and stature, heavy smoke from the thick pipes of the dwarves as opposed to the heavy cigarette smoke cloud of the seedy bars of today, and all the entertainments associated with a bar. With all the arm wrestling contests, stories of great battles and women there, all that was missing were the Harley Davidsons out front.

Legolas: Well, it's different then what I'm used to, but I suppose it's not that bad. (A particularly fat dwarf belches right behind him) Then again, maybe it is...

Gimli: Oh, it's not that bad once you get used to it! Would you like something to drink?

Legolas: Um, sure. Water will be just fine, thank you very much. I read in the latest issue of Cosmopolitan that alcohol makes you age faster, and we can't have that happening can we?

Gimli: (Laughs heartily) You worry about the silliest things, Legolas. I think a drink would do you a world of good, but if you don't want one I'll just order a pitcher of beer for myself. Are you sure?

Legolas: (Peering at Gimli's face and thinking "Oh my God, look at those pores!") Quite.

Gimli: Alright then. Hey Olin, could I get a pitcher of beer?

Olin: Sure thing Gimli. (Glancing at Legolas) You got a lady friend with you today, huh?

Gimli: (Looks at Legolas and mutters "I wish") Oh no, this is my elf friend Legolas. He's quite the archer, you know. We had a little contest to see who was able to slay more orcs, and he almost beat me.

Legolas: ( Thinks "I don't look like a girl, do I?" to himself in horror) Gimli, I hate to remind you of this, but I did beat you.

Gimli: (Laughs nervously) Let's just forget the technicalities, shall we?

Olin: (Mumbles "Could have sworn that was some hot elf girl" and shakes his head in disbelief) So, what will your elf "friend" have?

Legolas: Oh, just water please.

Olin: (Does double take) Are you sure?

Legolas: Quite sure, thank you.

Oin: Alright, one pitcher of beer and one water coming right up.

Gimli: Thanks a lot Olin.

Olin: No problem. (Walks off muttering something about "elf men" and "never being wrong before")

As Gimli was once again regalling the tale of Luthien and Beren's epic battle for the Silmarils, great gems that held the light of the mighty trees Laurelin and Telperion and fell into the posession of Morgoth only to become his crown jewels; their orders came and were served by a most unusual sight...a dwarf maiden.

Or, at least, it can be assumed it was a dwarf maid. There isn't much of a difference in the facial features or structure of a dwarf male and female. So little difference, in fact, that only one of their race can discern accurately.

The dwarf in question had no beard, bright beady eyes, and thick dark hair that ran loosely down all the way to it's stout middle. It also wore a navy blue ensemble that was an odd cross between a smock, dress, and pants which was quite becoming on it. In all honestly it was pretty as dwarves go, and Legolas was assured it was female when Gimli addressed her.

Gimli: (Stammering and going red) H-hi Gloina.

Gloina: Oh, hi Gimli! How are you this afternoon?

Gimli: J-just fine.

Gloina: Glad to here it. (Checks Legolas out) Who's your lady friend?

Legolas: (Mumbles "What is wrong with these people?") I'm Legolas, the Prince of Mirkwood, and I'm male!

Gloina: (Backs away from the table a bit) Oh, I'm sorry! Anyway, here are your drinks, and you two have a nice day. See you later, Gimli! (Winks at him and waves goodbye)

Gimli: B-bye Gloina.

Only then did Legolas notice his usually surly friend's odd behavior, and it only took him a second to realize the cause...

Legolas: Gimli, you have a thing for that dwarf Gloina!

Gimli: (Glowing red again at the mention of her name) I must certainly do not!

Legolas: (Leans on table) Gimli, I can tell you're lying to me.

Gimli: You can? I mean, what makes you think that?

Legolas: (Points to the dwarf 's ears and hands him a mirror from his bag) Your ears are red. Whenever you lie, your ears get as red as a berry.

Gimli: (Looks at his ears in the mirror and realizes the elf is right for once) Confounded ears! (Sighs) You're right.

Legolas: Well, why haven't you made a move yet?

Gimli: (Bows his head in shame) She would never go for a dwarf like me.

Legolas: That's utter nonsense! Gimli; you're a great guy, and I think she knows it. Why else would she have winked at you?

Gimli: (Picks his head up abruptly, almost knocking the table over in the process) She winked at me?

Legoals: (Nods solemnly) Yes, she did.

Gimli: Are you sure? She could have had something in her eye you know.

Legolas: Yes, I am. Believe me, I know a wink when I see one; and she most definitely winked at you.

Gimli: Well, I still don't think I'd have the courage to ask her out.

Legolas: (Grins evilly) Then I'll have to make you, won't I?

Gimli: (Eyes grow wide with fear) You don't mean...

Legolas: Yes, I do.

Gimli: (Getting more frightened by the minute) You wouldn't dare!

Legolas: Watch me. Gimli, I dare you to-

Gimli: No! Don't say it, please!

Legolas: (Clears his throat and glares at the dwarf for interrupting) Gimli, I dare you to ask Gloina out on a date.

Gimli: How could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend!

Legolas: (Crosses arms sternly) Now, you know it's for your own good. I suggest you go over there right now and get it done with. And if she says yes, which I suspect she will, I'll help you prepare for it.

Gimli: (Sighs) Alright, I'll go do it. I know I can!

Legolas: Go get her! Good luck!

With newfound confidence, Gimli struts over to where Gloina has just finished serving a table and motions her over to an empty booth to sit.

Gloina: What is it, Gimli? Do you and your elf friend need refills?

Gimli: No, it's nothing like that. Look, wouldyouliketogoonadatewithme?

Gloina: Um, would you mind repeating that last part again?

Gimli: Wouldyouliketogoonadatewithme?

Gloina: I'm sorry, I still didn't catch that. Would you please say it again, and slower this time?

Gimli: (By now beet red and extremely frustrated ) Would You Like To Go On A Date With Me?

Hearing the shouting, the bar got eerily quiet just in time to hear the last part; and the only sound that could be heard was Legolas smacking himself on the forehead.

Gloina: (Now a rosy red, she glances at the entire bar staring at them) I don't think you should have said it that loud. Anyway, I would love to go on a date with you!

Gimli: (Takes a drink of his beer just as she says this...)

Gloina: (Shielding her eyes as she gets a "sprinkling") Well, I didn't expect that response!

Gimli: Oh, I'm so sorry about that! (Hands her a few napkins) Here you go! I'm so glad you agreed! Does tonight around 8:00 sound good?

Gloina: That's fine with me, where do you want to meet?

Gimli: Leti's Eatery. You like Italian, right?

Gloina: Sounds good to me! I'll see you then!

Gimli: Alright, bye!

Understandibly, he's practically walking on air as he waddles back to the table.

Legolas: (Unable to hide the smirk creeping across his face) Smooth move, Romeo. If I were a mile away I still could have heard you, and saved my eardrums in the process.

Gimli: Hey, I held up my end of the bargain. And now it's your turn, Master Legolas.

Legolas: Oh goody, this ought to be fun! Come with me, we've got a lot of ground to cover in the next (Glances at watch) 4 hours! We have to get started right away!

And they would have left immediately, if not for a foolish dwarf that asked just as they were exiting "Hey Gimli, who's you're lady friend?" Hearing this "obviously" erroneous comment, a infuriated Legolas spun around...

Legolas: For the last time today, let me assure you that I am a male! I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, and you shall know me better hereafter!

And with that, he proceeded to flash his "manliness" in front of the entire bar, and with a gracious bow makes a hasty retreat alongside poor Gimli, who is an unbecoming shade of purple by now.

Olin: Well, he's definitely male.

Legolas and Gimli manage to make their way across town with no other event, though if the pair realized how many stares they recieved or how may inquisitive voices asked "Who's the elf girl?" there probably would have been many more. Once they reach Gimli's house Legolas hurries over to his travel bag and extracts a large sack from it labeled "Emergency Beauty Kit."

Gimli: What's with the sack, Legolas?

Legolas: Oh, this is just my emergency beauty kit. I keep it with me just in case I run out of shampoo, soap, or whatnot. There's a few things in here that I think might help us get you ready for your date tonight.

After reaching deep into bag and rummaging around a bit, he finally manages to produce what he's looking for: a pair of clippers, scissors, and various hair bands.

Gimli: (Nervously backs away a bit) What are you going to do with all that?

Legolas: We're just going to trim your hair and beard a bit, and possibly rebraid that animal you have on your face.

Gimli: Nobody shaves a dwarf!

Legolas: (Sighs tiredly) Look, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way...
He promptly corners Gimli into a bathroom and locks the door, ready to conjur up a handsome dwarf under the skill of his magic hands. But the subject doesn't seem too willing to be worked on, and being the stubborn dwarf he is; tries to escape. Only when Legolas binds him using a piece of rope does Gimli calm down somewhat and allow Legolas to wash his hair and beard. His temper stirs up again, however, when the clipper blades start going.

Cries of protest and dwarfish cursing can be heard at different intervals as the slow process of turning Gimli from bear to dwarf continues. Finally, after two hours of being pent up in the bathroom Legolas unbinds the poor dwarf and hands him a mirror to see his transformation.Cautiously peering into the mirror, Gimli is stunned to realize that with a hair cut and the bulk of his beard gone; he looks strikingly handsome.

Gimli: Legolas, you did a remarkable job! I've never looked better, not in my entire life!

Legolas: (Squeals with delight at hearing his satisfaction) I'm just glad you like it, I do this for a living you know.

Gimli: Really?

Legolas: Really! (Rummages around in his breeches pocket and produces a small piece of paper) See, take a look at my business card!

He hands Gimli the slip of paper, which reads "Pansy Elf Salon - We'll make you as handsome as us!"

Gimli: Well I didn't know that, interesting! Anyway, you really fixed me up well, and even got me this great looking suit! (Spins around in a dark blue suit with a muted green tie) It's the perfect fit too! How did you ever find it?

Legolas: (Pushes bag from the "Short and Stocky Store" underneath the bed) Oh, it was just a little trick of the trade. You'd better be off now, or you're going to be late!

Gimli: (Looks at watch) You're right! (Points at Legolas sternly) Now, I want you to stay here; don't go to the restaurant and spy on us. I'm already nervous, and making me angry won't help matters much. Having me both angry and nervous would most certainly cause me to do something I'd regret, and ruin any chance I had of going out with Gloina again.

Legolas: (Attempts to look as innocent as possible) Oh, of course not Gimli. What ever gave you the idea that I would do such a thing?

Gimli: (Eyes him suspiciously) Because I know you, that's why. Well, now we have that settled, I can be on my way. Wish me luck, and try not to get into too much trouble while I'm gone, alright?

Legolas: Okay, you don't have to worry about a thing. Good luck!

Gimli: (Looking relieved) Thank you, I should be home around 11:00. Find something to occupy yourself with until I return!

Legolas: I'm sure I will, have a good time! (Wicks and grins wickedly) And don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Now Legolas's steady assurances may have soothed Gimli's nerves for the time being, but if he had seen the evil expression on his companion's face and heard him declare "Fat chance!" before dashing out the door after him, he would have most likely turned around and went home.

After a bit of strolling Gimli made it to the restaurant a couple minutes early, which enabled him to pull himself together. But when Gloina breathlessly arrived a few minutes later, all composure Gimli had built inadvertently crumpled. Dressed in a red getup that set off her dark hair and complexion, Gloina demanded the attention she recieved. And Gimli was ready and willing to pay his duty by giving as much notice as was in his character to her.

Gloina: (Does double take when she sees Gimli) Wow Gimli, you look very nice tonight! I love your beard, it really does shave off the pounds and make you look younger!

Gimli: Thanks, it's my friend Legolas's handiwork.

Gloina: You mean the odd elf guy who flashed the entire bar?

Gimli: (Laughs nervously) Yeah, that's him. He may be a bit eccentric, but he's quite useful in a tough spot.

Gloina: Well, he must be good for something if he can make you look so good!

Gimli: (Blushing furiously at this compliment) Thanks. Shall we go in?

Gloina: Lets, I'm starving! (Taking Gimli's arm, the couple goes inside)

Once the pair is inside and safely seated, Legolas quietly slips in and takes a seat away from their table yet close enough to hear their entire conversation.

Waiter: So, what would you like to order?

Gloina: Well, I've heard the spagheitti's good, so I'll have some of that.

Gimli: The same with me.

Waiter: Very good sir, I will return shortly with your orders.

Gloina: Tell me more about your friend Legolas. He said he's from Mirkwood, so how did you two meet?

Gimli: Ah, that's a very long story, entirely too long to tell right now. I'll just say that it had something to do with the long journey I took.

Legolas: (Trying to suppress a chuckle) Well, Gimli seems to be doing okay so far.

Gimli: Gloina, what attracts you to a dwarf?

Legolas: Why are you asking that?

Gloina: Well, he has to be tall, sweet, and have a good sense of humor. I hate guys that are too serious.

Gimli: Well, do I fit your ideal type?

Legolas: Gimli you're ruining things with your probing questions! It's just the first date, relax!

Gloina: (Considers the question a moment) Yes, I believe you do. Do you know what hair care products Legolas uses, because his hair is absolutely gorgeous and yours is tonight too.

Gimli: Well, I think its H-

Legolas: No, don't say it!

Gimli: erbal

Legolas: Gimli...

Gimli: Essences

At this outrage, Legolas is unable to contain himself any longer and springs out of his chair, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Legolas: You Buffoon, I Use Pantene Pro-V!

Gimli: (Does double take at hearing Legolas's shrill voice) What are you doing here? I thought you were at home!

Legolas: I followed you to make sure you refrained from saying anything exceedingly stupid in front of this lovely woman.

Gloina: (Blushing and giggling) You're too sweet!

Gimli: I appreciate you trying to help, I really do; but I'm not in need of it right now.

Legolas: Yes you are. By saying the false assumption that I use Herebal Essences, you proved you are capable of saying something completely foolish.
(Flips hair indignantly) Everyone knows I use Pantene Pro-V, with the exception of you apparently.

Gloina: You really use Pantene Pro- V? Is that what makes your hair so shiny?

Legolas: No, my dear lady. That has to do with combination of conditioner and sheen spray I use...

And with that, the elf and dwarf woman rise from the table and take a stroll to discuss the merits of different hair products; Legolas's arm wrapped around her shoulder the entire time.

If he had glanced back at his crestfallen friend, he may have seen the tears forming at the corner of his eyes, and heard the anguished cry of "Why does he get all the women?"

But he was too busy discussing how his rigid washing rountine increases the amount of sunlight glinting across his hair to notice.

Fini.
Critique?