(out of )This is one of the worst big-screen film experiences I've had for a while. With this film, plus Showgirls and Basic Instinct, Paul Verhoeven has stamped himself as currently one of the worst blockbuster directors. His celebrated film Total Recall was - I admit - successfully scripted, but it nonetheless contained directorial flaws. Obviously nobody wanted to invest TOO MUCH money in a production from someone like Verhoeven, the result being that much of the special effects in Starship seemed fake. But not everything bad in the film was the director's fault, even though he was one of the guys who employed the actors. It is surprising that none of the actors received nominations for the Razzie Awards (I expected five for the acting categories). Casserole Vanity Devoid, Dingy Miasma, Dense Ribald, and Jackass Bushy are in serious need of acting school. No, they have to pass primary school drama classes first.
While Total was written well, Starship is purely pathetic. All right, it is SUPPOSED TO be a fast-paced entertainment film, and you're SUPPOSED TO turn off your intellect (completely) and enjoy the action sequences and special effects (that is, guts and gore). As a matter of fact, I found the activity incredibly boring, a complete waste of more than two hours. Half of the film was a bad episode of Beverly Hills 90210, while another quarter was simply nothing (things like presenting irrelevant information in an irritating way on the web), and the rest was a display of humans fighting computer-generated images. The battles were all the same - jumping around, shoot or get stabbed - and on barren planets that only had giant insects. There weren't even any stunts, which I consider slightly more exciting than pictures running around. I wonder what the insects eat, if there's nothing but them on the planets? There is so much laughable treatment in this film, and it is frankly not amusing when jokes are intended. This type of story is obviously aimed at 10-year-olds, who can't see it anyway because of the violence and some sexuality. But then, there are always 16-year-olds who have that frame of mind.
The pointless plot begins when Johnny's (Vanity Devoid) girlfriend Carmen (Richards) decides that she wants to join the troopers to fight the insects who are throwing asteroids at Earth. Johnny then signs up as a trooper also, after an overacted argument with his parents. But there is another girl, Dizzy (Meyer), who likes Johnny and then there is another boy who likes Carmen, which results in a love quadrangle, which isn't better, because it means augmented worse-than-stereotyped soap opera, increased bitchiness, and more bad Beverly Hills + Melrose. And the result of this love quadrangle at the end is also rather stupid. Anyway, getting back to the thing you might call plot, Johnny is too dumb to be a pilot and has to join the infantry, while his girl and the other dude are in the same league. Dizzy comes chasing Johnny and joins the infantry also. They then start training, which contains what Roger Ebert calls IPS (Idiot Plot Syndrome, moments when only an idiot would have made such obvious mistakes), then real combat. And guess what? That's about as complex as it gets. Oh, and one of their friends, Carl (Neil Patrick Harris a.k.a. Doogie Howser M.D.), becomes involved in war intelligence, and his abilities at the end are really corny and make me want to spray insecticide on someone for it. He's my fifth nom for a Razzie. The troopers fight, fall in love, die, kill, and try to act. Naturally, they win, or sort of half-win. Of course, in between (and at the end) there are soldiers chatting and smiling while carrying grievous wounds caused by bug legs. The bugs also suffer from IPS: why would you release hold of your captive before killing it? Isn't it also amazing that Earthlings haven't invented better hand-held weapons by then?
The only question that remains is why I gave it one star instead of zero. Well, maybe a-quarter (of a star) for the (very) brief moments of suspense and the co-sex shower scene, another quarter for borrowing from Zulu and letting the good guys (the bugs) win that battle, and half a star for the sucking-out of the brain of one of those people who call themselves actors (though there should have been more since the troopers deserved to die).
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� 1998