Barbies I'd Like To See

"Admin Barbie" - Works twenty-hour days for little pay

(80% of Admin Ken's salary) and is the lowest on the totem pole

despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop.

Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other

dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org

and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

"America's Most Wanted Barbie" - She's on

the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

"Bag Lady Barbie" - Complete with shopping cart;

wearing everything she owns.

"Barbie Bobbit" - With knife, Ken had better watch out!

"Barbie Brown Simpson" - Slashed neck and

bloody body, carton of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough included.

"Battered Wife Barbie" - Comes with a

restraining order to serve to Ken.

"Birkenstock Barbie" - Finally, a Barbie

doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled

materials.

"Bisexual Barbie" - Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

"Bite-The-Bullet Barbie" - An

anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs,

fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on her self in the Outback.

"Black Barbie" - Once your Ken doll goes

black, he'll never go back.

"Blue-Collar Barbie" - Comes with overalls,

protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-

organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing

outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies

who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

"Boulevard Barbie" - With cheap makeup, short skirt,

and high heels.

"Bow-wow Barbie" - The ugliest Barbie you've ever seen.

"Breast Implant Barbie" - Now Barbie's a D-cup!

"Brunette Barbie" - The only Barbie with a brain.

"Bulimorexia Barbie" - Also no different

in appearance from regular Barbie.

"Cancer Patient Barbie" - Remove the wig and Barbie's bald.

"Crack Addict Barbie" - Pipe included,

sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine.

"Dinner-Roll Barbie" - A Barbie with

multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous

thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a

miniature basket of dinnerrolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's

walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-

shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.

"Divorced Barbie" - Comes with all of Ken's accessories.

"Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman" - This

helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner

to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a

horse.

"Feminist Barbie" - Has unshaved legs and armpits.

"Homegirl Barbie" - Truly fly Barbie in

midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop

accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I

don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches

girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people.

"Lesbian Barbie" - Barbie with a butch.

"Lipstick Lesbian Barbie" - Actually no

different in appearance from regular Barbie.

"Melrose Place Barbie" - Comes complete with

her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live

rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silksheets and an

arrest warrant.

"Mobile Home Park Barbie" - Comes

complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories include two

toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her gov't

support check is. Some Mobile Home Barbies After come with surprise Ken

or G.I. Joe since they often give her surprise visits when they come

into town.

"Murder, Barbie Wrote" - Whenever this

elder stateswoman of the Barbie-set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse,

all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

"My So-Called Barbie" - She faces the

same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes,

perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

"Navy Pilot Barbie" - Comes with a body

bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately.

"Oprah Barbie" - Push a button on her

back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with

topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with

bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

"Our Barbies Ourselves" - Anatomically

correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own

speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that

little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening

way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility.

Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus

at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional,

underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does

with her own Barbie.

"Punk Barbie" - Has rings in all sorts of strange places.

"Quantum Physicist Barbie" - Yeah, right!

"Rabbi Barbie" - So, why not? Women

rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny

satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls.

Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

"Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement

Barbie" - Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of

insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for

all men and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band

on her left-hand ring finger).

"Robotic Barbie" - Hey, kids, experiment

with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she

says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

"Roseanne Barbie" - The dark side of the

American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after

Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

"Sister Mary Barbie" - This spiritual Barbie

comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-

rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all,

she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing

because she's taken a vow of silence.

"Teenage Single Parent Barbie" - "Welfare check"

from Mattel mailed each month.

"Temp Barbie" - This smartly dressed,

intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out

of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone

tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and

she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a

liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled

with the past five years' worth of US Tax Code revisions,

which need to be collated.

"Transgender Barbie" - Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

"Twelve-Step Barbie" - Pull the string on

her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with

a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip,

and a pack of smokes.