| Reason 14 Shaun is being stubborn, as per usual. That's why I'm whining and pulling on his arm. That's why he's telling me to leave him alone and stop being a pain in his ass. He doesn't mean: go away, period. Never to return. He means he wants me to stop yanking on the arm of his jersey because it's irritating. I'm annoying him because I want him to go talk to Mr Blue Eyes. Don't you reckon they'd be so cute together? Well, even if you don't, I think they would. Shaun just doesn't seem to be able to see that, though. Which makes him totally and utterly blind. "Shaun! If you don't go talk to him, you'll probably never get another chance!" I tell him, being just as stubborn as he is by continuing to bug him and pull on his arm even though he's told me on numerous occasions to stop. I'll stop as soon as he takes his fucking ass over there and talks to that guy, dammit! "He's probably not even gay, Letty" Shaun answers, trying to pry my fingers off of his shirt sleeve. I hold on tight, "Well, you'll never know unless you go talk to him, will you?". Shaun rolls his eyes and tries to wriggle away from me. God, he's stubborn! I'm not going to get angry, though. If I get angry, he'll shut down and retreat even further and then I'll never get him over there. Why can't he see that this is a good thing? That he deserves something good in his life for once and that goodness just might be Mr Blue Eyes. Happiness doesn't come looking for you, you have to hunt it down yourself. "Letty, I'm a rentboy for shit sake! Wot the hell would he want with me, huh?" Shaun asks, a little bit irritated, which is as irritated as Shaun ever gets, and actually sounding kinda sad. Like he really does want to go over there but he's too scared of rejection because he thinks he's not good enough. "Shaun, I know you're scared, but if you don't atleast *try* to talk to him, you'll always regret it. And besides, he doesn't exactly look like he owns Buckingham Palace himself, does he now?" I tell him, letting go of his sleeve so that he knows I'm serious, not just trying to be a pain in his ass because it's one of my favourite passtimes. Shaun looks at me, then sighs and looks at the guy, rubbing a hand against the back of his head. Like I said, he doesn't look like the next Bill Gates either. I'm not saying he looks like a derro or nothing, he just looks like your average Joe, y'know? He's got on baggy jeans and a white t-shirt under a red one. The way his appearance is pretty immaculate for a guy and the way he was smiling at Shaun earlier is what makes him appear like he's leaning more towards being gay than straight. Oh my god. Wonder what Dom and the others would think if they were here now? Everything back home seems so simple, compared to all the complications that have arisen here in the city. Everything has a hidden meaning and nothing is as it seems here. It's like in the movies where people talk and what they say to one another is not all just what the words plainly mean. Back home, everything is extremely straight forward and blunt. There's nothing hiding behind closed doors. What you see is what you get. It's more of a community. Everyone bands together to help everyone else out. Here, it's like a jungle. You're either a predator, or you're prey. You can't be both. And unfortunately for me, I've found myself acting as prey for more than a few predators. It almost makes me miss the simplicity of home. Almost. "Alright" Shaun sighs, dropping his arm to his side, "If it'll get you off my back. And I swear I'll kill you if this turns out shit". I grin and give him a hug for good luck. I was a little scared that he was going to jam his hands in his pockets and walk over with his head down and scuffing his feet all embarrassed and shit, but he doesn't. He's tapped into the confidence he has and doesn't look the slightest bit uneasy as he walks over to Mr Blue Eyes. "You do realise that if this turns out bad, he'll never ever forgive you, right?" Boof asks, draping an arm over my shoulders and lowering his head so that he's almost talking right in my ear. "He will so" I answer, watching Mr Blue Eyes turn his head to look at Shaun as he steps up beside him. The warm smile on his face tells me that I made the right decision, because he *is* happy to be approached by Shaun. My god, who wouldn't be? Shaun's the kind of person where it doesn't matter what your sexual preference is, you still can't help looking twice when you see him. He can make even the most malicious eyes take note of him, and appreciate what they see. He's got this aura; this sense about him that catches the attention of anyone who's got half assed vision and a heartbeat. I guess it's a good thing to have, most of the time. "Yeah, probably right" Boof shrugs, watching Shaun also. They're talking, now. Talking and smiling and the little girl on the ride calls out and they both give her a little wave. If I hadn't have ever met Shaun, I probably would have thought it was disgusting, the two of them together like that, but seeing as I know him and I know how little his sexual perference affects the way that he's so sweet and caring, I think it's adorable. "So, who's this guy yer tryin'a set 'im up wit, then?" Boof asks, cutting his gaze away from the two of them and looking at me instead. I give him a teasing smile, "Why? You interested?". Boof glances across at Mr Blue Eyes, then shrugs, making a face as if he's not completely sure, "Maybe". I stare at him for a long moment, "*Are* you gay, Boof?". He gives me a crooked smile, dark blue eyes shining mischeiviously, "Do I come across as being gay to you?". I just stare at him silently, because I seriously want to know if he's gay. In truth, no, he never came across as gay. Maybe coz he's a bigger, tough-kinda looking guy, and you don't usually picture those type of guys being gay, unless of course they're in prison or something where they've got no choice. But Boof's not in prison. And he doesn't appear gay. Still, he *was* turning tricks the other night, and on the other hand, he kisses and hugs Gimp goodbye. "I seriously dunno" he shrugs after realising I'm not joking. Like I said, he's kinda dopey, Boof. Y'know that saying "you're not as dumb as you look"? Well, that doesn't apply to Boof. He's exactly as dumb or dopey as he looks. "How can you not know?" I ask, "It's a simple question. Do you prefer guys or chicks?". Boof shrugs again, "I dunno. I jus' like people in general. Doesn't really matter a huge amount whether they're a guy or a babe. I jus' see things in people that I like and it doesn't matter really what gender they are. I wouldn't say I'm bi, though. And I gotta say I prefer *sex* with women, if that's what you mean, but otherwise, y'know, I'm cool with either. You get wot I mean?". "Um, I think so" I reply, but I must've had a total look of confusion on my face when I said it, because he continues, "Like, take Shaun, for example. If I came across him and he wasn't like, my best friend, I could totally be into him because he's such a nice and caring person, y'know? He's really confident and he's got this whole thing going on where he only focusses on the good things in life. I'd really admire that and it wouldn't matter that he was a guy, because I don't look for beautiful people, I look for beautiful things *in* people, y'know?". I nod this time. I understand. It's like he doesnt' see gender. He just sees something beautiful, like humour or good will or humanity, and that's all the matters to him. Forget all the superficial bullshit that everyone else worries about these days. It's almost like that movie, Shallow Hal. He sees something *inside* them, no matter what their sex is. "How come you prefer sex with women over sex with men?" I ask, and I could just imagine having this conversation with Mia, and she would be all embarrassed and giggly and red in the face as soon as I said the word 'sex'. Like she hasn't hit puberty yet or some shit. But I like that in her. I like her innocence. "I guess I just got more control with women" Boof shrugs, scratching at his stubly scalp, "With guys it's usually them on top, poundin' into ya and they have control of the situation, but with women, y'know, they're more eager to please. More gentle. More loving, kinda. Probably sounds like a load of soppy shit, but I like takin' it slow, sometimes. There's times for hard and fast, and times for slow and gentle. Guys aren't really capable of slow and gentle, if you get what I mean. And I suppose, I kinda like having control because then I know I can stop everything if I want to. Working the streets, and back at the foster home I used to live at, I couldn't do that, y'know? It was always what someone else wanted and it didn't matter what I was thinking or feeling because it was all for them, all about what they were after. Atleast with women, it can kinda be a little bit of what I want too". Why can't all guys be as open as Boof? You wouldn't expect it, because he looks so dopey and like he could barely string a sentence together, but when you ask him a question, he gives you a really honest, heart felt answer, y'know? I'd love to see the day when Dom can get through the macho-bullshit he's surrounded himself with and give me a single sentence that's half as truthful as what Boof says. I doubt it'll happen any time soon. Dom's just not the type of person to do that kind of thing. Especially in front of other people. "So, you would rather sex with Gimp over Shaun?" I ask, because I'm interested in the answer after what he said about all the things he admires in Shaun. I'm wondering what he finds beautiful in Gimp. What he finds beautiful in me. "Oh, I've had sex with Gimp" Boof says, not even beginning to blush, "But we were pissed and I was high as a motherfucker so I don't remember nothin', an' neither does she. It's like it never happened. But, y'know, I don't think I'd have sex with either of them, given a clean slate and the option, y'know? Wouldn't want to ruin what I've got with them now. They've both got so many beautiful traits that I admire and I wouldn't want to destroy that". Heh, he almost reminds me of that guy in American Beauty who filmed a plastic bag and told that chick it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. "Do you see anything beautiful in me?" I ask, looking up at him. Boof smiles, as if he knew that question was coming, "I see alot of beautiful things in you. I admire you, Letty. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met. You're very confident with yourself, and you don't care what anyone else thinks, which is a fantastic trait to have. You're not afraid to be yourself, or to say what you think. Honesty. I like that. And most of all you're so innocent, even though you think you're not. I know you think you're real hard ass and that you've seen it all, but you came here and you were so nieve and sheltered and innocent, and that is your most beautiful trait. Don't lose that. Especially when you leave. Coz, y'know, I'll miss you, Let". They must be having a contest to see who can make me cry the most over having to leave them soon. "I'll miss you too, Boof" I squeeze his hand and stand on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He gives me a goofy grin, "Woah. Thanks". Back to Dopey Boof. Shaun comes sauntering over, a cocky smile on his face. I quirk an eyebrow and look at him expectantly, "Well?". He holds out his hand, and he's got a phone number written across his palm, "You were right". I give him a grin and grab his not-written-on hand as Angel announces it's time for the ferris wheel. Gimp groans, just for the sake of it, but Daniel and Ram scoop her up and carry her squealing and squirming in the direction of the ride. "So, tell us about it, then!" I push when Shaun just walks along with this cute little smile on his face. Boof looks eager to know how it turned out too. Shaun gives us a smile and ducks his head, cheeks going pink. He forces himself to raise his head again as he walks, "His name's Jorrel (it's pronounced Jah-rell) McKinley. He's nineteen. Lives with his Moms and his little sister, Solange. As you said, he's not exactly Buckingham Palace material. He's just come out of a bad relationship with an older guy. Jorrel gave him affection, he gave Jorrel a black eye. So, he's looking for someone a little more stable who takes a bit more kindly to caring and that kinda shit. And, I guess I kinda fit that description, coz he gave me his mobile number so I can call him tomorrow". Aw, isn't that sweet? "Well, you two must've really hit it off. You practically got his life story" I tell him, then give him a smile, "I'm glad it worked out for you. He's gonna love bein' wit you, Shaun". He gives me an embarrassed smile and stares at the ground as he walks. We come up to the ferris wheel, which is one of those big massively tall ones that are painted all white. Gimp comes running over and grabs Boof's arm, telling him she's riding with him because Ram and Daniel are riding together coz Ram got stuck with a total stranger last time who would not shut up once during the entire ride. Well, shit. We've got uneven numbers. Angel's mobile rings. Problem solved. "I'ma take this. Yous go on" Angel says, taking it out of his pocket and pressing connect. He covers one ear and walks away from the noisy crowd lining up for the ride, beginning to talk to whoever's on the other end. "Looks like yer stuck with me" I poke Shaun in the ribs, and he smiles, tugging on my ponytail. Why can't Dom be like Shaun? Why can't he be nice and kind and just make an effort to make me feel like he wants me around, instead of continually telling me to piss off because I'm in the way or I'm always following him around like a bad stink? Marc told me to wait him out. To hold on just a little while longer until he comes around and realises what he's got in me. Well, I'm getting tired of waiting. Why can't he see it now? Shaun's no older than Dom, and *he's* not a complete asshole to me, so it's not the maturity thing. I really don't understand why Dom doesn't like me. I don't follow him around all the time! Is it my fault that his friends also happen to be my friends? And I can't help it if Mia lives in the same house as he does, can I? We're ushered into a carriage and the safety bar is snapped into place. Like has been said, the ferris wheel is a wind-down ride. One saved for later in the day when you can appretiate the view from the top because you're not itching to get going and get on a better ride. "Shaun, can I ask your advice on something?" I ask as the ride jerks to life, and we're lifted a little so that people can get into the next carriage. Gimp leans over from the seat just above us and grins and waves. Boof's got his arm across the back of the seat, just enjoying the view, I guess. "Sure" he shrugs, relaxing and slouching into the seat, looking again at the number written across his palm, as though he's not sure if it's real. "There's this guy, back home" I start, then quickly add, "I'm not going back there or anything! I just wanna know what you think of him and stuff". Shaun nods and shrugs, "OK, tell me about him, then". I fidget with my hands, and we jerk up a little further for the next pair to climb aboard. "Well, his name's Dom. Dominic Toretto. And, well, he's Italian..." I begin, then kinda trail off because it's so hard explaining someone you've known all your life to someone who's never ever met them before or even seen what they look like. "I gathered as much" Shaun says, looking across at me, "Just tell me, Letty. I ain't gonna tell you you're a fucking idiot for liking him or nothing". I sigh, decide he's right, then raise my head to look at the view that gets better the higher we go. "He's kinda tall, almost 6 foot. And he's really muscly and gorgeous and I've wanted him ever since I first saw him. Only problem is *everyone* wants him. All these skanks are all over him all the time and he laps it up and it hurts, y'know, seein' him with them when I know he hates me and would never touch me or look at me like he does with them. He's eighteen, three years older than me, but I can't help it, y'know? No matter how many times he tells me to fuck off and stops following him around, I still want him so bad. I wish he knew how much it hurt, every time he's such a prick to me" I tell him, letting it all out before I can think better of it and stop myself. I look across at Shaun. He probably thinks I'm an obbsessive idiot. He looks at me sympathetically, "He sounds like a fucking moron, Letty" Shaun tells me honestly, "I'm sorry but you asked my opinion, and that's wot I think. He's a fucking idiot if he can't see how good it would be if he just got the fuck over himself and let you in. Don't worry about it, Let. He'll wake up one morning and realise how special you are and how fucking stupid he's been by pushing you away. Hopefully for him, that morning won't come too late". I give him an embarrassed little smile, "Thanks, Shaun". He shrugs, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me against his side as the ride starts spinning properly instead of all this jerky stopping and starting while everyone gets on. "It's the truth, Letty. You're a top chick, and if he can't see that, then he's the one missing out" Shaun assures me, and I smile, burrowing into him and enjoying the view. I only stop watching all the little people scurrying around against the colourful backdrop when one of them catches my attention. He's standing at the base of the ride. He's waving his arm for attention. He's got a mobile in his hand, has blue tinted hair and is talking with a French accent. And as our carriage nears the bottom of the circle we're moving in, I finally make out what Angel's saying. "I've found your cousin." Reason 15 Angel's found my cousin. That's something that should make me happy, I know. But it's not making my too joyful. Not really. It's making me chew my lip and wring my hands together. It's making me feel like I should laugh or cry or break into hysterics or *something*. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. It makes me feel relieved and disappointed. I was having such a good day, and I know this should be the icing on the cake, but it's not. I *do* want to see Pedro. That's what I came here for, right? I came to find my cousin. Came to start a new life. But I can't help feeling like I'm leaving so much behind. Too much, perhaps. I know it's stupid. I've barely known these people a week, but I've been through so much with them that it feels like I've known them for a life time. They've been there for me, y'know? And that's what counts. My friends back home; Mia, Hector, Vince and the rest; they're there for me when I need them, more often than not. And Elias, he's *always* there. I can *always* count on him. And then there's Dom, who hasn't been the most supportive of people thus far. In fact, he's been a total asshole, for no ample reason what-so-ever, because I've never done anything to make him dislike me as much as he does, and all of his asshole-ness only makes Shaun and Angel and the rest look even better in comparison. They're all so amazing and I don't want to leave them, I really don't. But I owe it to Elias. I've gotten this far, I can't just stop now. I can't just give in and say 'what the fuck, who cares?'. *He* cares. I know he'd want me to go through with what I came here to do. And I want to get him out here as well, as soon as I get to Pedro's. I want Elias with me. So, to stay where I am would be selfish. And I don't know how well I could handle staying on the streets, either. Angel is a great guy, but I can't imagine he's got tonnes of money to just throw around whenever he feels like, because if he did, he would be able to get them all somewhere to live, and Shaun and the rest wouldn't be on the streets, would they? I can't imagine Angel would have the means to continue 'spoiling' us in the same way that he has done all week. And once things start to get more desperate and dismal, I don't know that I'd be able to handle it. In school, in health Ed and stuff, I've seen videos of people who live on the streets. Who wear the exact same clothes for months on end without washing. Who have rotten teeth and drink all the time. Who're constantly either coming down off something or hanging out for a fix. I'm scared that I'll get caught up in drugs. I know Gimp, Boof, even Shaun, I know they're stuck on speed and stuff like that. I was talking to Shaun the other day, on the beach, before he told me he liked my smile, and I asked him about it. Asked if he was into drugs and stuff, because Gimp had said she uses speed. He said he smokes pot occasionally, and uses heroin, speed and ketamine depending on what mood he's in and what's available. Said he started coz he thought it would be easy to stop again, but it fucking well wasn't. Like what Ram said. You get hooked and that's the end. You're stuck from there on in. Me and Shaun talked a bit about it, and that's not what I want, y'know? I don't want to be fucked on drugs and begging for quaters on the street with a cask of wine by my side and a plastic bag of aluminum cans at my feet. I know that's a very stereotypical way of looking at things, but in all honesty, I've been sleeping in a squat and a hostel all week. I admit it hasn't been that bad, but it's not like I was stepping down from the luxuries of the White House, is it? And besides, the weather's been good lately. Imagine when it's winter. Imagine when it's raining and windy and there's no shelter because you get kicked out of where ever you try to go. And once your clothes are wet and freezing, there's nothing else to change into because you can't afford anything new. And where would I get money to live? Can't imagine you'd be able to live solely off of things you steal from cars and shops. And I could not, *could not* turn tricks for a living. No way. No damn way. Not after I've seen what happens to Shaun when he's working, when I here about all these girls being raped and murdered on the news, and I just couldn't stand the thought of someone I don't even know heaving and sweating all over me, or even more than that: losing my virginity to a total stranger. No. There's no way I could go into prostitution. I guess I'm not as strong as Boof said. I'm not strong enough to survive the way that they do. I'm not strong enough to handle sleeping in squats and having a drug addiction and being a prostitute and breaking into cars for spare change. I haven't exactly had a fantastic life thus far, but I've always had a home, y'know? I've always had a house and a bed and food and a 'family', or a brother, at least. I've always had some kind of stability. I've always had a somewhat 'normal' existence. If I had've been on my own out here from day one, I would've been dead by now. It's pure luck that's got me through this week. Pure luck. "You a'ight, Let?" Shaun asks, rolling onto his side on the mattress to look at me. It feels just like a movie in that it's beginning to drizzle outside. The clouds rolled in just as we were leaving the fair this afternoon. It was dark because of all the stormy rain clouds by the time we got to the hostel to drop off the others. Angel had some shit to do that was kinda urgent, but when he's done, he's gonna come pick me up and take me to Pedro's. "Yeah" I sigh, curling up tighter and resting my chin on my knees. It's actually not that cold in here, with all the big cargo boxes blocking out most of the wind and kinda closing us into a smaller space so that it's warmer than it would be had we been spread out. I've got a blanket around my shoulders, and I'm curled into a little ball. Not so much for body warmth as for comfort. "OK then" Shaun drawls with a lazy shrug. He's kinda vague. Due to the joint he's smoking, more than anything. He mustn't smoke very often, because you can't smell it on him. He's actually really clean for someone in his situation. "Shaun, do you take a shower and brush your teeth and stuff at the hostel?" I ask, as if it never occurred to me that he doesn't smell like he's not washed in forever, nor does he look it. His teeth and skin are perfect. I have no idea how he can keep that up with his lifestyle, when Mia back home has a million and one bottles of lotion and stuff that seem to do zilch since she was hit by puberty. "Sometimes" he answers, letting out a trail of blue/gray smoke away from my face, then turning to look at me again, "Depends, coz when I'm workin', which is about... three, four nights a week, I have a shower an' stuff at whoever's place I'm at. An' Mikey, he would have gotten real pissed if I'd have had all rotted up teeth an' stuff, an' I'm not too fond of the idea myself, so I keep as clean as I can. I like being clean" he shrugs and drags on the joint, "Why? Do I stink?". "No" I answer, watching him exhale the sweet smelling smoke, "Who's Mikey?". I've got a few vague ideas as to who he might be, in relation to Shaun, but I'm not going to voice any of them in case I'm wrong in my assumptions. "He was my pimp" he answers, and I'm sure he wouldn't have been that straight forward if he hadn't have been smoking that weed, "He was alright, y'know. Pretty fair an' stuff. Learnt a few things offa him. But he got hauled in a 5-0 an' got questioned an' all this shit, an' then as soon as he got outta the station, he got shot up by some punk who thought Mikey woz narkin' him out. So now I work 'freelance'. Which isn't necessarily better than workin' for Mikey, coz it's less safe an' stuff, but it gives me a bit more say in when and who and stuff like that". "Oh" is all I can think of to say. "Yeah, well, doesn't matter much now, does it?" Shaun says, squashing out his cigarette and getting up off the mattress because a flash of headlights in the window would lead one to believe that Angel's here. He goes over and peers through the glass panels. For someone who's been smoking mull for a good portion of the afternoon, he's not very obviously affected by it. "C'mon. Angel's here. He'll probably swing round the hostel, eh? Let you see Gimp an' Boof an' stuff a'fore you leave" Shaun says, rubbing a hand against the back of his head. I nod silently and shrug off the blanket, grabbing my packed bag and following after him as he heads for the stairs. He's only got on his shorts and jersey, but he doesn't seem too fazed about getting wet. It's alot wetter and quite a bit colder downstairs. The rain's coming in and there's a few old derros wrapped in newspapers and huddled into corners. Shaun doesn't even seem to notice them, but I'm careful to sidestep right around them. He's used to them, I guess. Used to them being there. Used to their restless grunts and grumbles as they roll over. If I were him, I'd be so scared they'd go right upstairs and take all my stuff. But he reckons no one goes up there. Wonder why? Guess I'll never find out, hey? It's pissing down when we get outside. Angel's pulled up pretty close to the building, but we still get soaked on our way over. He doesn't say anything as we tumble into the back seat. Doesn't say anything as he pulls away from the old building, and heads towards the hostel. Doesn't say anything as he pulls against the curb. Shaun opens his door and helps me out, and we hurry inside and out of the rain. It's so warm and friendly and human in here. I don't want to leave it behind. I really don't. Gimp and Boof and Daniel and Ram are all sitting almost huddled at one table. Boof notices us first, gives me a sad sorta lopsided grin and elbows Gimp, getting the others' attention. I just stand and stare at the ground as they come over. "Ay, you leavin' now?" Boof asked, and the way that he says it so simply like it's just a fact of life that none of us can prevent gets to me somehow and I just break down and cry. I can't help it. It's something about good-byes. About the way they're so final and so deeply sad. He gives me a dopey-Boof-smile and pulls me into this massive bear hug. Gimp holds my hand and Shaun rubs my hair and Daniel and Ram joke and try to make me feel better but all I can manage for all of their efforts is a teary little smile because I'm so sad and hurt at the thought of having to leave them. I want to make it quick. To get it over and done with and not dwell on all this sadness. I want happy memories of them all. Boof lets me go and I hug Ram instead, and he whispers in my ear to be careful and look after myself. I just nod, because I'm too choked up to answer, and bury my face in his shoulder, trying to cram as many details of him into my head as I can. Then onto Daniel, who rubs my shoulders gently as I cling to him and tells me this stupid corny quote from a movie where the star-crossed-lovers were being separated and I laugh and cry at the same time against his shoulder, trying to remember everything he's ever said to me. Next is Gimp. Her eyes are all red and teary and it only makes me cry more because I'm going to miss her so much. I don't have many girl-friends and I don't want to leave any behind. Especially not Gimp. I just grab on and cling to her like a drowning woman for a straw and we cry and blubber all over each other for what feels like forever. I suppose it's a female thing. We're OK with letting it all out. "I'ma miss you so much, gurl" she whispers in my ear, "You'd better come down here an' see me heaps or I'ma come up there an' kick your sorry ass!". I nod vigorously and promise I will and she kisses my cheek and we hug tightly once more, then I turn to Boof. He's still smiling, even though his dark blue eyes look really sad. I curl up against his chest and try to control my sobs. "You're beautiful, Letty. Don't you forget that, OK?" Boof says in my ear as I'm enveloped in his arms. I nod and press my cheek against his chest, hugging him tightly. I can't believe I have to leave just when I was starting to get to know them all. It's so unfair. It's so unfair!! "I promise I'll come and see you guys all the time" I manage to get out, wiping at my eyes as Shaun takes my hand, "And thank you so much. Thanks for everything you've done for me". A few more quick hugs and good-byes and we're gone. Back outside. Back in the Lancer. Back in the unbearably sad silence and I just sit there and cry to myself while Shaun rests a hand on my knee. I grip his fingers in my own and hold tight, trying to grab onto something solid so I don't go completely hysterical. Angel drives for an eternity, or that's what it feels like. I just stare out the window at the slanting rain through blurry tears, trying to get a hold of myself but it's just too hard a task to manage. I'm enveloped in unbelievable sadness, and the rain isn't helping any. I just can't do this. I don't want to say good-bye. I don't want to leave them now, or ever. And the worst is still to come. I still have to say good-bye to Shaun. We finally pull to a stop, and the crushing silence is broken when Angel turns and looks at me with a sad smile, "This is it." I look out the window at the terrace place we've pulled up at. It looks like the kind of place I would imagine Pedro living in. The kinda place where he's close to his boys but still has the privacy of living in his own house. Perfect for him and what he does. And I'm sure I'll like living here. If I ever get through these farewells. Angel shuts off the engine and pulls the keys from the ignition, taking off his seatbelt. They're gonna walk me to the door. Great. So I can be a big blubbering mess when Pedro answers the door. I don't say anything though. I just climb out the car and follow Angel up the front steps to the porch. Angel turns to face me once we're under the relative dryness of the porch. He looks down at the floor, then raises his blue eyes to meet my gaze, "Have fun today?". I just nod, trying to stop the tears, which is really pointless, because they're flooding down my cheeks. He reaches out a hand and wipes at them gently, "Good". I rush into his arms and squeeze him tight. I don't want to leave. Oh god, I don't want to leave. "Hey, hey, it's alright" Angel says, rubbing a hand over my hair, "It's OK. This is what you wanted, right? You're supposed to be happy. Don't make this a sad good-bye, baby. You're meant to be happy". I give him a brave smile, and he bumps my chin up with his knuckle, then steps away from me. And I turn to face Shaun. And I don't know what to say. And he just pulls me into his arms and I cling to him and cry. I cry so hard it hurts and if his shirt wasn't already been soaked, it would have been from the flood of tears I've let loose. I just stand with my body pressed against his, his arms around me, my face buried against his shoulder, and sob. "Shh, Letty. Please don't cry" Shaun says, and from the shakiness in his voice, I can tell he's not too far off my current state either. He runs a hand over my clumpy, wet hair and holds me tight, losing the battle with his own tears. He's a bit more controlled about it than me, though. He just rests his chin on the top of my head and lets them fall silently. "Thank you, Shaun" I finally get out, turning my head to rest my cheek against his shoulder, "Thank you for everything. You've taught me so much, and you've done so much for me. I wouldn't be here without your help. Thank you". He kisses the top of my head, then raises my eyes to his, "Remember Let, you're a top chick. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise" he lets out a shaky sigh, composing himself, "And even if Dom doesn't love you, *I* do. I love you, I'll miss you....and, good-bye". He shrugs, then kisses my cheek. I just stand and stare because I've got no tears left to cry. I can't believe I'm leaving these wonderful people behind. I don't want this. God, I don't want this. "I love you too, Shaun. And it's not the confused type this time. I love you because you're the best friend I've ever had, and I'm going to miss you *so* much. Good-bye" I hear myself answer, and I hug him tightly. After a long few minutes of standing like that, I finally get a grasp on some kind of control, and let him go, giving his hand a squeeze before moving over to the front door and pressing my thumb against the doorbell, trying to put on a face that atleast partly resembles happy while I wipe at my tears. I cast one last sorrowful glance towards the two of them; Angel with his arm around Shaun's shoulders, Shaun with his head rested on Angel's shoulder; and I try my hardest to give them a brave smile before the door is opened. And even with the light streaming out from behind him, and with my eyes blurred from tears, I can still see it. I just stand and stare. I don't say anything. He doesn't say anything. They don't say anything. It's totally silent, except for the sound of the rain hitting the roof. And still, I just stare. "Letty?" Angel asks after a long moment, just when Pedro Ramirez is opening his mouth to ask something. I look across at Angel, teary eyes now wide open, "This isn't my cousin!" |
| 16 Reasons 16 |