| Reason 10 I feel terrible. That's why I'm still lying in bed at ten thirty in the morning. That's why I'm still here, when most of the other people who stayed the night at the hostel have left. That's why Daniel's sitting on the edge of the bed, watching me, ready to jump out of range if I happen to throw up everywhere. I feel so tired. I could barely get to sleep last night. And when I did eventually fall asleep, it was full of tossing and turning and fitful nightmares. Never had a worse sleep in my life. What makes it worse is that I hardly remember anything about last night. I remember bits a pieces. Shards. I remember Wilson. Remember dancing with him. I remember Angel. Remember him yelling at me. And I remember Shaun. And what I said to him. And how hurt he looked. I've never regretted anything in my life, more than I regret what I said to him. I don't think I've ever seen anyone look as hurt as he did. And I've never said anything so bad that the person on the receiving end couldn't even bare to be in the same building as me any more. I've run away one of the only friends I've got right now. I'm such a bitch. It started after the phone call. I know I was ignoring him. I know I shouldn't have been. I know he was confused and blaming himself for my getting so upset over the call and talking to Elias. And last night, everything was just so blurred and I couldn't put things together fast enough and I was just saying whatever sounded good at the time. He must hate me now. God, I don't blame him. I can't believe I was flamin' him like that for being gay and then what I said about his Dad... damn, I must've hit close to home, because he looked so hurt when I said that. It was so obvious in his eyes. I didn't take notice at the time but now, it's almost the only thing I remember from last night and it keeps playing over and over in my head and I feel like such a shit for doing that to him. "You OK?" Daniel reaches out a hand and brushes some stray hair away from my face, his ebony eyes showing nothing but concern. I nod, still trying to get my head around what's happened. Trying to come up with an acceptable way to apologise to Shaun. He's been nothing but good to me since I barged on into his life, and this is how I repay him. "You want a shower?" Daniel asks. Ram went to get some food, I think. I don't know. I was sharing a bed with Daniel, so he could've gone anywhere, really, and I wouldn't have known. That's me. Selfless Letty. "Yeh" I croak out from a dry and scratchy throat. God, I feel terrible. I feel seasick and hung over and like I was hit by a mack truck, then a bus, then a train, then a semi trailor, and then every single animal was let out of the zoo and stomped all over me. It's not the greatest feeling in the world, I'll tell you that. Daniel takes my elbow as gently as possible considering he pretty much has to drag me off the mattress, and supports me the whole way to the shower. Shit. I don't deserve all this special treatment. Not after the way I acted. Not after all the problems I caused for Angel. Not after what I did to Shaun. "You need any help?" Daniel asks, looking kinda embarrassed and running his fingers through his highlighted hair. I know he's not being sleazy and trying to get a shower with me because of the look in his eyes. Embarrassed and worried and unsure of himself. It almost makes me sick, the way they're all so concerned for me when I've been so much trouble. "Nah, I'm good" I muster up a smile, and squeeze his hand, "Thanks, Daniel. I know I don't deserve this, but I appreciate it". He just nods then turns and leaves me to have a shower. I peel off my sweat sodden, crinkled up clothes, not even caring that I'm naked in a public place, and turn on the shower hot as I can stand it. I'm gonna get something to eat, and then I'm outta here. I have to see Shaun. I have to tell him how sorry I am. I have to tell him I didn't mean anything I said to him last night. I have to tell him I didn't mean to be such a bitch to him after I called home. Oh god, Elias. Oh god, Chino's hurt him. I just know he has. Oh god, what have I done? I'm hurting the people I care the most about. I start to cry. Actually, crying doesn't even come close. These are violent, gut wrenching sobs that tear at my very being. That hurt. That come from somewhere dark and cold inside of me that I didn't even know existed. I'm so scared and I don't know what else to do. So I sit down, hug my knees to my chest, and sob. * * * * "Letty?" Ram shuts off the shower and crouches down in front of me, "Damn, Letty". The water's cold. That's how long I've been sitting here. It started out scalding and I've sat here so long it's gone cold. Ram gets down on his knees, soaking his pants in the process, and brushes a wet clump of hair away from my face, "C'mon. You a'ight? Let's get you dry an' then you can have somethin' to eat, K?". I nod slowly and let him help me up. God, I'm stiff. I'm never ever going to drink again. I feel like shit. "Yer toast woz gettin' cold so I jus' came to see where you woz an' stuff" Ram says, handing me a towel, "You feelin' sick or somethin'? Wanna hurl?". I shake my head and start drying myself off. Doesn't even occur to me that I not only showered naked, but I'm standing here in front of some guy I barely known with nothing but a towel to cover me up. I'm over petty shit like that. "Yeah...Angel sed you got pretty fuckin' shit-faced las' night. Damn, wish I didn't know how it felt, ay. It's pretty crap, comin' down. 'specially offa speed" Ram says, picking up my white parachute pants and shaking the wrinkles out of them, "Feels like yer on fast-forward, ay. Like yer goin' so fast you can't make it stop. And all you wanna do is dance an' there's always some fucker who wants to ruin yer fun. Only problem is: that fucker usually turns out to be yer best friend". "Sounds like you've got it sorted" I answer softly, taking from him some underwear that I recognise as the pair Shaun hung out to dry the other day and never picked up again. They must've grabbed it for me. God, why can't everyone be like these people? Always there to help out. "Well, I should know. I'm the king of coming down" Ram answers with a smirk, which suddenly turns sad "I know it back to front. I been on drugs a long, long time, Letty. An' I'm tellin' you - don't get into them. They suck everythin' there is to suck outta you and then come back for more. When I got kicked outta home by ma Moms' boyfriend, I jus' started smokin' pot coz it calmed me down, y'know? I got A.D.H.D., so I get kinda hyped an' shit. I thought I could jus' give it up after a little while. After I got things under control. But I couldn't. Then it jus' moves up. Kept smokin' weed, then I started usin' ketamine. It's a, an animal sedative. Then eccy, but that made me even more skitz coz I started seein' things an' hearin' voices an' I thought I woz talkin' to the devil an' shit. And then I got into speed. It's used as treatment, y'know?" he glances up at me from where he's sitting on the bench, smoothing the creases out of my singlet, "Speed is. For narcolepsy: that's where you wanna sleep all the time; an' for A.D.H.D. Doesn't help me none though" he hands over my fluro top, "Anyways, I'm jus' tryin'a say in more words than neccessary that I got into speed the same way you did last night, by accident, and I didn't stop, and now I'm stuck. Don't get stuck like me, Let". I look up at Ram. I've never seen his pale green eyes look as serious and sad as they do now. I did notice the tracks on his left arm, but I didn't really think anything of it. Figured he did it coz he liked it, y'know? When you live out here, there's no one to tell you what to do, so why do something you didn't like? Never really thought he couldn't help it. "I'm sorry, Ram" I say softly, giving his hand a squeeze, then frown suddenly as a question occurs to me, "Wot's yer real name?". He grins and messes up my hair with one hand, the mood having lightened again. "Rhett. Rhett Corlone" he replies, making a show of smelling one of my socks, then scrunching up his nose like it's the most god awful smell he's ever come across, "My grandad's Italian. An' they fuckin' reek, Letty". I snatch the sock off him, cheeks going pink. "It was really hot last night" I answer feebly, as I pull it on, then cast a sidelong glance in his direction, "An' I strongly doubt that *your* socks smell like lavender". Ram grins at this, then tips his head back like he's smelt something absolutely wonderful and lets his eyes flutter closed melodramatically, "No, they smell like jasmine". I roll my eyes and pull on the lug soled boots Angel bought for me yesterday. God, I was such a bitch to him last night too. The two people I need the most right now, and I was nothing but a shitfaced little bitch to them both. "Where's Daniel?" I ask, bending to tie the laces, trying to keep my mind off things for now. I don't want another mental break down. As soon as I get to Pedro's, I'll get him to come with me to get Elias out of that hell hole. Chino wouldn't stand up to Pedro, I don't think. And I don't think Pedro wouldn't hesitate in cappin' Chino's ass either. Both good things if you ask me. "Eatin'" Ram answers, "Gimp an' Boof showed up. She's jus' out at the table with 'im". I finish tying my laces and stand, following Ram back out of the shower block. Just like he said, Gimp is sitting with Daniel. I wonder if she's seen Shaun? I wonder where Boof is? "Hey Letty-gurl" Gimp gives me a smile, brushing some hair out of her eyes, then her face hardens slightly, "Have fun last night?". She's smiling, but it's fake. I can tell that much. "You've seen Shaun then?" I ask, sitting down next to her, unsure of my place now. Feels like I've betrayed them all or something. I don't know. I just stare at my hands and keep a little distance between the two of us, because I'm not sure if Gimp wants me around or not. "Yeah" she says softly, looking down at the half eaten cereal in front of her, then looks across at me, "Talked to Angel, though. He says Wilson slipped shit in yer drink. He did that to me, too. He's a tickle-dick lil' cunt, an' I know how easy it is to get sucked in by him" she reaches out an arm and hugs me against her, "Things'll be OK. Jus' talk to Shaun". I'm flooded with relief that Gimp understands and isn't gonna judge me on this. I'm so glad that she's accepting me into the group and as a friend, even after what I've done. I turn and wrap my arms around her thin waist, pulling her into a tight hug. Gimp laughs softly and hugs me back. "Here, you mus' be hungry" Daniel puts down some toast and cereal, then pushes it across the table to me. I glance up at him and smile graciously as I release Gimp from the crushing hold I had on her. "Where's Boof?" I ask, grabbing some toast. I am so god damn hungry. Speed is supposed to make you lose your appetite, but I am starved! Like I said, I am always hungry. I could eat anyone under the table. I reckon I could eat eggs whole, like sumo wrestlers. "He's gone to take a piss" Gimp says with a mouthful of cereal, "Angel said we should come here an' get somethin' to eat". I nod slowly. I'm guessing Angel's with Shaun, then. I suppose that's a good thing. I can talk to them both. Kill two birds with one stone. Has anyone actually ever done that, I wonder? Killed two birds by throwing one stone? As if on que, Boof comes strolling out of the toilets. Would've looked funny as hell if he'd been whistling at the same time, I reckon. But he's not, so I don't even crack a smile. "Hey Letty!" he grins, even though there's still a few meters between the two of us and he has to talk that loud that anyone within a ten foot radius of him can hear what he's saying, "You feelin' a'ight?". More concern that I don't deserve. "I'm good, Boof" I smile back, giving him a nice view of my moutful of chewed up toast. Boof gives Daniel a playful shove as he reaches the table. He sits across from me and snatches up the other half of my toast, popping some in his mouth, "Yeah? Usually takes me *ages* to come down offa speed. Feel shitty for like...forever afterwards". I roll my eyes and give him a teasing smile, "That's coz yer a pussy, man". He grins and winks, dark blue eyes smiling so that I know he can tell I'm just joking, "That'd be it". Then he sobers up some, and looks down at the toast in his hands. "You goin'a see Shaun?". I swallow the lump of toast in my throat and nod, casting my eyes downwards guiltily, "Yeah. Is he a'ight?". Boof nods and shrugs, as though he's not quite sure which answer he should be giving, while taking another bite of his toast. "He's not pissed, if that's wotchoo mean" Gimp says, nudging me with her elbow, "He knows that Wilson put shit in yer drink and he doesn't blame you or nothin'. Jus', wotchoo said brought up some shit he'd rather not deal with, y'know? But he's not pissed at you. I promise". I give her a brave smile and nod, finishing up my toast. "OK. Thanks, guys. I guess I better get my ass over there, huh?" I say, standing up. "Yeah, he's at his spot. Angel's wit him, in case you care" Boof says, patting my leg as I pass, "It'll be cool, Let. Shaun's not one to get pissed at you an' bite yer head off or nothin'". I guess that's a good thing. Reason 11 I don't know what to say. That's why I'm not saying anything. Just staring, because that doesn't require a whole lot of motor skills. I had everything worked out in my head. I walked here, so I had time to think about it. I had it all planned out, what I was gonna say. How to sound like I was explaining myself, rather than defending myself. But then I saw Angel's Lancer outside, and I started to get nervous. Then I climbed up the three storey's to Shaun's spot, and I started gettin' the sweats and started missing parts out of my apology speech as I ran over it in my head. And now I've made it up here and I've drawn up a total blank. They're sitting in that little alcove, against the window. Angel's got his back against one of the massive cargo boxes, and Shaun is sitting between his legs, his shoulder and arm against Angel's chest, curled up with his knees drawn up under his chest, staring out the window with the blankest look I've ever seen him have. If this were under any other circumstance, if I didn't know either of these two, if I'd seen them on any other day, I would've instantly stuck them in the 'gay' category. Not now, though. Not when I know that they've been friends a long, long, long time, and that it's just for comfort and support, not pleasure or anything like that. I clear my throat softly, and Angel looks over. Shaun just keeps staring out the window. Like he didn't hear me or he already knew I was here, without me even having to make a sound. Angel rubs a hand against Shaun's hair, then carefully gets up, leaving Shaun to sit, curled up against the cargo box, still staring out the window at something that must be really interesting. "How you feelin'?" Angel asks, brushing his fingertips across my cheek. I lower my head, my hair falling down from where it was tucked behind my ears to hide my eyes from view, "Like shit. I'm really, really sorry, Angel. I didn't mean anything I said last night, and I didn't mean to give you shit when you tried to make me leave". Angel takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. "It's a'ight, Letty. I un'erstand. I've used speed before. I know how it feels" he glances back at Shaun, then looks back to me, "I'll leave yous be. I know it doesn't look like it, but he can hear you" he gives me a reassuring smile, "He jus' switches off sometimes, when shit gets too much to handle. He'll open up, though. If you talk to him". I nod, casting my eyes down to the floor again, then look up at Angel. "Thanks, Angel" I tell him, "You've done alot for me and I really appreciate it". He smiles and shrugs, "Wot're friends for?". I smile, watching him leave. Strange, I've never really thought of them, these people, as my friends. Don't know why. Whenever I thought 'friends', I thought of Mia and Hector and them. Suppose I didn't think they considered me a friend. I was just an addition to the group until my plans eventuated. I walk over to Shaun and he doesn't even acknowledge it. Just keeps looking out the window. His eyes almost looked glazed over. Like he's retreated inside himself and nothing I do is gonna bring him out. Angel told me to talk to him anyway, so I guess that's what I'll do. "Hey, Shaun" I say softly, crouching next to him and reaching out a hand that just brushes his knee. He doesn't even register it. Just keeps looking out the window. Doesn't move an inch. "I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now" I say, looking down at my hands, "But I thought I owed you an apology and an explanation, so, here goes nothing..." my big speech is still lost to me, so I'll have to wing it, "First, I want you to know that I *do* remember most of what I said to you last night, and I want you to know that I don't really...that none of that stuff I said was true. I don't really think any of it. I totally respect you an' you're preferences an' I had no right to say what I said last night. Especially what I said about your Dad...that was way out of line an' I...I'm just so, so sorry, Shau-" "I got raped" I look up at the whispered words. He's still staring out the window, as though he didn't say anything. But I'm sure that I heard him talk. I'm sure I heard him say those three, horrible words. I'm about to ask him if he actually spoke, when he continues. "By my Dad" Put all six words together and you get the most fucked up thing that could happen to a person. "Oh god, Shaun...I'm so sorry-" "Not your fault" he actually moves, shrugs, then looks across at me, the hazy disorientation gone from his ebony eyes, replaced by a shiny glaze of tears, "An' you don't gotta apologise to me, Letty. I un'erstand. No harm, no foul". "Oh god" I repeat it in a hushed whisper, trying to get things straight. I thought he just left coz he wanted to get a job in the city or something and it didn't work out. I never thought anything bad happened to make him want to leave home. Guess I was too caught up in thinking about myself and why I left home. Oh shit. No wonder he got so upset over what I said to him at the rave. "Shaun, I am *so* sorry. I can't believe I said that shit to you last night. Oh god...I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I wipe at tears. Don't even know why I'm crying. Everything's just getting so fucked. "Hey" Shaun reaches out an arm and pulls me into a hug, "It's a'ight, Letty. It's not yer fault. Please don't cry, mi chica". "Lo siento, oh god, I'm so sorry, Shaun" the uncontrollable sobs return. I can't stop. Everything's been kept pent up and locked inside for so long and now the flood gates are open and it's all pouring out. "Shh. It's a'ight, Letty. I'm not pissed at you. You've got nothin' to be sorry for. C'mon, babygurl, please don't cry" he rubs my shoulders gently. Damn, I wish I could stop. I wish I could think enough to remember how. "I've fucked everything up" I choke out, face buried against his shoulder, "He's gonna hurt my brother, Shaun. An' I left him there on is own an' I jus' know he's gonna hurt him". "Who? Who's gonna hurt yer brother?" Shaun asks, rubbing the back of my head gently. I push away slightly so that I'm not talking into his jersey and making big teary wet spots on it either. "Chino. My Dad. He's such a...*fuck*! I hate him! I hate that fuckin' prick!" I'm practically screaming, fists clenched tight, gritting my teeth because I'm so angry at everything, "God, I wish I had the balls to kill him!". "Don't say that, Letty" Shaun says softly, watching me have my little fit of rage over here, "He might've done some bad shit, but you don't wanna kill him. No one deserves that". Maybe he's scared that one day I'll grow the balls and actually *will* go and kill him. "I *do*, Shaun" I answer seriously, looking across at him, "Y'know why I left home? Coz he touched me. He called me a slut an' put them dirty, fuckin' hands down my skirt. He's hit me before an' I could handle it. But not that. That is...it's...*fuck*!!". I cover my face with my hands and cry. "Wish I could tell you I didn't know how you feel" Shaun says, getting me to wriggle over to him and lie down with my shoulders and head on his thighs, "I know how messed up everythin' seems an' no matter how much you scrub at it an' scrub at it the dirty feeling's still there. It's not gonna go away, Let. Wish I could tell you it will, but it won't" he brushes some hair away from his face, "I'm only guessin' that you feel the same way I did. It won't go away... but things will get better, Letty. I promise, if you focus on the good things, it will get better". "I think your Dad an' my Dad should go drinkin' together" I whisper, trying to control my tears. Shaun smiles and wipes at my cheeks gently. "My Dad wasn't a bad guy" he says, looking out the window instead of looking at me, "He jus'... didn't know how to handle me, I guess. I'd jus' turned 16 when I told him I woz gay. I'd known it a long time. Since I was about, 12, 13. Took me a long time to work up the balls to tell him. He didn't have a clue until I tol' him. He jus' stared for the longest time. Like I'd brought his whole world crashing down. I tol' him I woz sorry but I couldn't help it. He jus' ignored me after that. Blocked me out. Got on the piss an' stayed in a rut for a week or two. Must've been more alcohol in is system than blood by the time he woke me up that night. I didn't even know what he woz doin' till I had my face shoved in the wall" he lifts one arm and wipes at his own eyes, still gazing out the window, "Kept tellin' me that if I woz a faggot, then I should get used to it. Kept sayin' I deserved it. Didn't wanna be the father of no damn faggot. He didn't touch me after he woz done. Half expected him to kick the shit outta me. But he didn't. Jus' left me there an' didn't even try to stop me when I packed my shit an' ran. Been out here about two an' a half years, now... an' the feeling's still there...". He gazes down at me and I don't know what it is. I'm jus' lyin' here, staring into those tear glazed ebony eyes. Maybe it's because he's done so much for me and I just want to take the pain away. What the reason is doesn't really matter a whole lot though. I lean up and kiss him. Shaun pulls back almost immediately, staring at me with absolute shock. Oh god, what have I done now? It just seemed like that was what I was meant to do. I just wanted to take the pain away. And he's been so good to me and...oh shit, I'm confused. I sit abruptly and get up off the floor. "Letty" Shaun calls after me, but I keep going. I'm so confused and embarrassed and everything's all muddled up in my head. I rush over to the stairs I climbed to get up here and keep running. I hear Shaun get up and come after me. He's not running, but I speed up anyway. He's not chasing me. Not really. Just following. Doesn't make me slow down any, though. I race over to the next set of stairs. Almost reach ground level when I catch my foot on this fucking pipe that sticks out of the wall just above the bottom step and with a choked cry, send myself flying. I sprawl very ungracefully on the ground, grazing my chin, hands and elbows. Shaun almost trips over me as he comes pounding down the stairs, having sped up at hearing my fall. "Oh damn, Letty" he says, coming over to me as I lie on the floor and cry, "You a'ight? I'm sorry. You jus'...I really wasn't expectin' that". He crouches down next to me and helps me up, careful of my injuries. Shaun carefully leads me over to some old wood crates and sits me down on one. "Show me your hands" he says, and I hold them out, cutting my sobs down to sniffles and whimpers. He carefully brushes the gravel away from the grazes on the heels of my hands. "I'm sorry, Shaun" I tell him, "I don't know wot I woz thinking". He glances up at me and gives me a smirk, one of those sexy Shaun/Lex smirks that makes me give him a teary little smile. It always makes me feel warm and tingly, like nothing could go wrong in the world while he's got that smirk on his face. "It's a'ight. No harm done" he replies, lifting my arm to look at my elbow, "Jus' came as a bit of a shock, is all. I guess...I'm kinda wonderin' why?". He glances up at me again, which is more than I could have managed after asking such a question. "Um..." I shrug and use my spare hand to wipe at the gravel and blood on my chin, "I don't know...I jus'-" "You know I'd never get into that wit you, right?" he interrupts, looking up at me again and this time holding my gaze, "I like you alot, Letty. Alot. But not...not like that, y'know? I jus'...like to think that after all this, once yer wit yer cousin an' stuff, that I'll still see you an' we'll still be friends". "I know you wouldn't do that" I say quickly, staring at my hands while my cheeks go pink, "I just...you were hurtin' an' I wanted to make it go away, y'know? I want to be friends wit you coz I think friends mean more than boyfriends an' shit do, and you mean alot to me an' I wouldn't want to lose that". Only exception to that rule is Dominic Toretto. I want him and I don't just want to be friends and I want it to last forever. Only problem is, he hates me. Everything would be perfect if it weren't for that small technical hitch. "Good" Shaun smiles, "Atleast we're on the same wavelength now". I put up a brave smile and pull him into a hug. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him against me and just hold on because it feels so good to know that I've got someone in the world who gives a shit. Shaun wraps his arms around my waist and we just stay like that for the longest time. Gives me time to sort shit out. "Is Angel still around?" I ask after a long time of just sitting here, wrapped in his arms. Shaun pulls back a little so he can look at me. "Nah, he left. Been here for a few hours, so he's gone to grab a shower an' stuff" Shaun says, then drops his gaze, "Says he's gettin' close to findin' yer cousin". "Really?" I grin. This is great! Finally, I get to see Pedro and we can go pick up Elias and I can be with my brother again we'll live like fat rats in the city and... Shaun pulls away gently and jams his hands in his pockets, still staring at the floor. "Yeah. Says he'll have an address tomorrow, maybe" he shrugs, not even looking up at me. I get up off the box I'm sitting on and move closer to Shaun, trying to catch his gaze. "Wot's wrong?" I ask. God, I thought we were just starting to get happy again for a minute there. "Nothin'" Shaun answers, shaking his head and looking up with a forced smile, "It's a good thing. That's why you came here anyway, right? Finally get to see yer cousin an' shit". He shrugs and rubs a hand against the back of his head. "Wot's wrong then?" I ask, standing so close that I'm just about stepping on his Timbalands, trying to catch his gaze which is so conveniently glued to the floor. "Nothin'...it's jus'" he sighs and shrugs again, then looks me in the eye finally, "I'll miss you, Let. An' I guess I'm scared that you'll get there an' everythin'll be great an' none of this'll matter any more. Wouldn't blame you, though. If I were you, I'd be gettin' out soon as I could an' I'd never look back". "Aww" I grin, "Shaun! I'll never ever in a million and one years forget about you!". I jump on him, wrapping my legs around his waist and he stumbles back a step, but steadies himself, shifts his hands under my thighs to support my weight and smiles hopefully up at me, "Really?". I scrunch up my nose at him and wink. "Really really." More To Come.... |