fantasyfriends

fantasy F R I E N D S!

No one told you life was gonna be this way. Well, that's because it isn't.
For those of you that have been under a rock for the last decade, if it's that long, Friends is an American sitcom. Those two words are enough of an indicator to anyone with over two brain cells (cue population of Wigan logging off) that the plotlines were never exactly going to be realistic, and hey, Friends has always been, to me, a bit of fun. The characters were undersexed, overblown caricatures, but that was ok, because it was JUST A BIT OF FUN.
Though after recent events, including Chandler and Monica's gooey wedding, Rachael's speech about having kids over the dinnertable and so on and so forth, it's come to my attention that the purely ridiculous plots that made the series funny in the first place have been replaced by the characters falling in luuurve with each other and, ugh, having emotions which we do not need on our screen.
So like a night in shining albeit beer stained armour, Michi comes to the rescue with the plots that these sickly, overweight rich bastard characters need to give them a well-deserved slap around the face...................sit back and tune in for......

"The one where Phoebe becomes a goth". Out of curiosity, Phoebe wanders off down the local internet cafe and while surfing, she enters a competition for a giggle and ends up winning tickets to a Cradle of Filth concert that night. Three days later, her friends catch her burning a copy of the bible and reciting the lord's prayer backwards, sporting black hair with pink extensions, fishnet stockings and the black dress Rachael reserved for funerals, and they all start worrying what happened to the saccarine, pathetic, submissive, giggling little loser they used to know. That night, she is swiftly ejected from Central Perk after wandering in with an electric guitar and "PEOPLE=SHIT" tattooed across her forehead and hammering out a thrash metal reworking of "Smelly Cat".....

"The one where Rachael gives birth to the child of beelzebub". Tragedy is sure to strike when Rachael, after being pregnant for only three months, is rushed into hospital after going into labour mid-laugh. It's tears all round, though the aforementioned tears are soon dried up out of pure terror at the sight of the bed rising several feet from the floor and rachael's head spinning in circles as she coughs up projectile green ectoplasm. The baby is born fully formed, and the friends decide to treat the baby as a little miracle and not be so cold hearted and prejudiced as to reject him just because he has a pointy tail, red eyes and a little pair of horns.

"The one with the pies". Shortly after Rachael's baby shower at which her as yet unnamed demon child speaks his first words ("burn in hell", much to his auntie phoebe's approval), Monica goes out and buys the guinness book of records, only to discover that denby dale yorkshire have beaten her and surpassed her 11-tonne pie by making one of an amazing 12 tonnes. Outraged, she comes home flapping her hands so violently that she causes a force 10 gale. Upon her darling Chandler telling her to get a grip after all these years of being a selfish, petty little woman with no consideration for another human being, her eyes grow so much that they actually pop out of her head and she requires major surgery. As a way of cheering her up, the friends (everyone except phoebe, who put a wicka curse on all of them for even suggesting it) decide to make another pie, a larger one, to get monica back in the record books. Sadly, before it's even been baked, resident fat bastard Chandler eats the entire pie to all on his own. All is not lost, though, as the friends manage to get their money back by selling Chandler to the circus after painting him green and claiming he is the real jabba the hut.

And the grand season finale: "The one where nicky wire kills ross". Gunther places a sign in the window of Central perk announcing that a "mystery band" is to play a free gig in the park later that night, and thanks to the hockey game being cancelled and phoebe considering her voodoo curses wasted on such purile cretin as her flatmate and her dogooding peers, the friends turn up only to discover that the mystery band is in fact the manic street preachers. "Wow!" rachael beams between songs halfway through the set, having left baby damien with a minder, "This is great, the english are so kooky!"
Being right down the front, the band can hear everything she says, and James Dean Bradfield stops in his tracks to sream "We're welsh, you dumb fucking american cunts!" into his mic. All is not well, not that the friends notice as they are too busy grinning and squeezing their big fat wallets. Angered by Rachael's faux-pas, the band cut their set short to one song, this being "ifwhiteamericatoldthetruthforonedayitsworldwouldfallapart" , a typically manics-y fistful of bile with a raised two fingers for the idiots in the audience, then make an exit.
Un(?)fortunately, at the end of the set, Nicky hurls hs bass into the camera pit, only for it to accidentally bounce right back up and whack a goofily laughing "oh-my-god" ridden ross square in the forehead, leading to a brain haemorrage and, within seconds, his death.
"Bollocks", the wire sulks, beofre shrugging, flickering his eyelashes, hitching up his skirt and hopping on the bus back to the valleys.....