michaelmyprince

With the help of friends we made it to Oregon and for the next week we were all full of questions. Oh, the guilt. Why didn�t I go down more often? He made it clear he wasn�t coming up here again.

I had promised to come down in August and he was happy about that. Kim feeling guilty about the argument, Barb feeling guilty about having him live with Kim. Everyone living with their own guilt and feelings.

How very much I miss you. I love you so much, so very, very much.

When I get to Heaven my first question will be, �why Michael?� This time I�m going to ASK!

You know the place between awake and asleep?
The place where you can't tell the difference
between dreaming and reality?
That's where your distant voice echoes
in the darkness,
That's where we dance on floating clouds,
That's where I miss you.

You know when the sun peeks through
just after it rains,
and the last drop runs down your cheek?
That's when I remember the tears I've shed,
That's when I hear you whisper my name,
That's when I miss you.

But I know where to find you.
You're hiding in my mind,
appearing with every scent and song,
holding my hand,
giving me the strength to go on,
and you are always in my heart;
a heart that will always love you...

You did not leave, you're not gone,
you look upon us still.
You walk among the valleys now,
you stride upon the hill.

Your smile is in the summer sky,
your grace is in the breeze.
Your mem'ries whisper in the grass
your calm is in the trees.

Your light is in the winter snow,
your tears are in the rain.
Your merriment runs in the brook,
your laughter in the lane.

Your gentleness is in the flowers,
your sigh in autumn leaves.
You did not leave, you're not gone,
it's only we that grieve.....

"Deeper Than the Ocean, Higher Than the Sky"

Jean, Grandmother of Michael Eugene Shoup
Sept. 5, 1980 - July 21, 2002

Lya

to view my "old" guestbook:

Update January 2004:

Sharing suicide letter of Michael:

This is Michaels suicide note written one year before committing death by his own hand.

I don't know what god had planned for me in this life. Why was I destined to be a fuckup? Now a days it seems like the pattern is coming back. I start to get everything under control and then i fuck everything up.It has happened too many times all ready. I keep trying to bring myself back up, but it gets harder every time. I don't have the energy to try again. My family has had to be disgraced by my failures for too long. Why my mom and my grandmother still try i will never know? They have been the only thing keeping me going, But i see them slipping away.

the only thing I can see to being succesful at least once will bring back pride to my family. But I don't even have the courage to do it.

I have been procresenting for too long. I have to find a way to do it with out burdening anyone else with a failure and I am afraid of failing this also. My phobias make my relations untrusting. so everyone hates and distrusts me

The cycle of pain has made me have false pretenses. I have to try and protect myself. Being trusting while always trying to make it so I can get them back. When i do have people around that don't intend to hurt me, I scare them away with my protective self causing more pain to myself. I never know who to trust. Some I could but now they are angered. But I don't know who is really still trying to be helpful.

There is only one way to make everything straight. I have to eliminate the cause of my problems. Me. For anyone who was really trying to help me I am so sorry, But I hope this makes it right. I cant stand my own person sorry

Letter from Michael's brother Cris:

I have put off writing in this forum for a while now. It still hurts to think about everything.

Most think my relationship or feelings towards my brother were that of a friend ; and for the most part I made myself feel the same. it is always easier to deal with pain when you aren't directly affected.

I remember before this all happened I talked about Michael all the time to my friends. My brother is this, or when my brother and I ... Everytime I spoke with my mom on the phone I always asked how michael was. I had to know, and because I was afraid to put myself out there I will never get the chance to ask him myself.

Fear is a funny thing, at times it can consume the strongest people, and others the weak can push it off. I was never brave enough to do either, and for that I will always be sad and regretful. I was told it is o.k. to be angry, and I understand why many are. but I could never justify for myself. I have no reason to be mad at my brother, he gave me love and I was to afraid to give it back. Most are mad because they say "this is a selfish act" but there are many famous quotes and sayings that say something to the effect only yourself matters, that first. you have to love yourself before you can love any one else. and in that statement as simple as it is, is why I can never be mad.

I over heard some people saying "how could he do this" and "why would he do this it makes me so mad". but I see it differently, he was unique, he didn't think highly of himself, he didn't love himself, he loved everyone else. he is the exception to the rule, he is unique and special,

michael I miss you, and I will forever, for all the time we should have had I am sorry, and all the times we could have had I am sad. I love you, I wish I could tell you that. I think deep down he reads this. This is a way to contact at least to speak from myself to him.

I love you my brother

chris

I think what helped me the most was writing, doing just what you have done and getting it all out. There were days when I couldn't see the keyboard or monitor for my tears. I also, like you, have a candle for Michael that I light often for him or for one of my FFOS friends who have a memorial or birthday. I put his picture up on the entertainment center and started collecting angels to surround him. NOw friends at work give me angels for my birthday and Christmas. I think all these "little" things help us to cope.