have known that mike would send something interesting, but it won't be
short)
Here's a friendly public service announcement: YoUr ReLiGiOn Is OnLy A
PrOdUcT oF yOuR pArEnT's BrAiNwAsHiNg. These are merely words from a
depressed, pessimistic
person I hope you like all this stuff i wrote....it only took a few
hours to look through my notes and copy or write from memory.
Joke # 1
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Joke # 2
Handle tampons and rubbers
A little boy walks into a pharmacy and asks the druggist, "Do you
handle
tampons and rubbers?" The pharmacist looks at the little boy and says,
"Of course I do."
The little boy said, "Then go wash your fucking hands and then give
me a
nickel's worth of jellybeans."
Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you
that you have VD?
A: Having your dentist confirm it.
Joke # 3
She was so blonde she...
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too
tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a
lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't
fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6
months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power
went out.
Joke # 4
Twin Sisters
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in
St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The
Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take
the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite
well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one
said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the camera man.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" - So they wiggled
up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.
YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
Joke # 5
Zorba
Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the
traditional touristy way, but to hire a guide from one of the small
villages. After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride
showing them the sights of Greece. After a while, they past a grove of
fig trees. As the tourists commented on the beauty of the trees, the
guide said, "See all those trees? I planted every one of those trees.
I
nurtured every one of those trees. But do they call me Zorba the tree-
planter? NOOOOO!!"
The couple looked a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet.
After
about 15 minutes, they past a nice village on the bank of the river.
The
tourists comment on the beauty of the village. Again, the guide goes
off. "See all those houses? I built every one of those houses. With
these two hands alone, I built those houses. But do they call me Zorba
the house-builder? NOOOOOO!!"
The couple again looked confused and worried about the guide's
outrage.
They didn't want to annoy him again. After about 30 minutes, they
pass a
small fleet of fishing boats. The husband comments on the boats.
"You see all those boats? I built those boats. With these two hands, I
built every boat and not a one has sunk. But do they call me Zorba the
boat-builder? NOOOOOO!!"
The tourists stay quiet until they see something which the guide could
not have built. "Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife. The
guide
looks at them and says, "Oh, but you fuck one donkey up the ass..."
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime they see
a bikini
I found this website because I'm a big conspiracy theorist:
www.banzai.net/sublime
heres more:
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto
the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but
he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with
Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
--------------------------
you just might be a TechnoPagan!
If casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float) ...
>
> If drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test)...
>
> If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks
>
> If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command...
>
> If the address of your covenstead begins with http://...
>
> If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95 .
>
> If you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell ...
>
> If you do cord magick with ethernet ...
>
> If you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with
Blessed Be ...
>
> If you don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro ...
>
> If you draw down the moon using a light-pen ...
>
> If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del ...
>
> If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple
gun...
>
> If you invite the God and Goddess to come online ...
>
> If you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups)...
>
> If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF...
>
> If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)...
>
> If you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming...
>
> If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone ...
>
> If you ritually down your server for Samhain ...
>
> If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape ...
>
> If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group ...
>
> If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number...
>
> If your OBE's begin with a netsplit ...
>
> If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period
is over ...
>
> If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation ...
>
> If your altar cloth is a mouse pad ...
>
> If your altar has a keyboard ...
>
> If your athame has a SCSI interface ...
>
> If your candles have batteries ...
>
> If your cauldron is a crock-pot ...
>
> If your chimes are electronic ...
>
> If your circle is a token ring ...
>
> If your cone of power has a surge suppressor ...
>
> If your coven is spread over a 12, 000 sq. mi. area ...
>
> If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control ...
>
> If your daemons collect news for you ...
>
> If your deities include Murphy and Gates ...
>
> If your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)...
>
> If your familiar is a computer mouse ...
>
> If your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight)
>
> If your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity,
and a TV nearby ...
>
> If your incense is by Glade ...
>
> If your magic wand is a light pen ...
>
> If your magical name, email address, and online name are all the
same...
>
> If your magical writing is done in binary code or C++...
>
> If your patron deity has a homepage ...
>
> If your pentacle is made of computer chips ...
>
> If your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector ...
>
> If your search for truth involves regular expressions...
>
> If your tarot cards multi-task ...
>
> If your technician compains about the wax and incense ash on your
motherboard...
>
> If, instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask
what operating system they run ...
>
> And finally, if, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup
system kicks in ...
>
> Well, you just might be a TechnoPagan!