Time To
Relax
HOW TO
SING THE BLUES
- Most blues begin "woke up this
morning."
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to
begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:
- I got a good woman-- "with the meanest
dog in town".
- Blues are simple. After you have
the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes.
Sort of:
- Got a good woman with the meanest dog
in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about
500 pounds.
- The blues are not about limitless
choice.
- Blues cars are Chevies and
Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a
southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the blues.
Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
- You can have the blues in New York City,
but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are
just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best
places to have the blues.
- The following colors do not belong in the
blues:
- violet
- beige
- mauvre
- You can't have the blues in an office or
a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
- Good places for the Blues:
- the highway
- the jailhouse
- the empty bed
Bad places:
- Ashrams
- Gallery openings
- weekend in the Hamptons
- No one will believe it's the blues if you
wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
- Do you have the right to sing the
blues?
Yes,
if:
- your first name is a southern
state--like Georgia
- you're blind
- you shot a man in Memphis.
- you can't be satisfied.
No,
if:
- you were once blind but now can
see.
- you're deaf
- you have a trust fund.
- Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra
Streisand can sing the blues.
- If you ask for water and baby gives you
gasoline, it's the blues.
Other
blues beverages are:
- wine
- Irish whiskey
- muddy water
Blues
beverages are NOT:
- Any mixed drink
- Any wine kosher for Passover
- Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
- If it occurs in a cheap motel or a
shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover
is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or
being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if
you die during a liposuction treatment.
- Some Blues names for Women
- Sadie
- Big Mama
- Bessie
- Some Blues Names for Men
- Joe
- Willie
- Little Willie
- Lightning
- Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia
will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.
- Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
- Name of Physical infirmity (Blind,
Cripple, Asthmatic)
- First name (see above) or name of
fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
- Last Name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
- Mix and Match
- I got a good woman-- "with the meanest
dog in town".
- Got a good woman with the meanest dog
in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about
500 pounds.
- violet
- beige
- mauvre
- the highway
- the jailhouse
- the empty bed
- Ashrams
- Gallery openings
- weekend in the Hamptons
- your first name is a southern
state--like Georgia
- you're blind
- you shot a man in Memphis.
- you can't be satisfied.
- you were once blind but now can
see.
- you're deaf
- you have a trust fund.
- wine
- Irish whiskey
- muddy water
- Any mixed drink
- Any wine kosher for Passover
- Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
- Sadie
- Big Mama
- Bessie
- Joe
- Willie
- Little Willie
- Lightning
- Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
- Name of Physical infirmity (Blind,
Cripple, Asthmatic)
- First name (see above) or name of
fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
- Last Name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
- Mix and Match
- Name of Physical infirmity (Blind,
Cripple, Asthmatic)
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