I Do, I Will, I Have 

  How wise I am to have instructed the butler

    to instruct the first footman to instruct the second

    footman to instruct the doorman to order my carriage;

  I am about to volunteer a definition of marriage.

  Just as I know that there are two Hagens, Walter and Copen,

  I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered 

    into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a 

    woman who can't sleep with the window open.

  Moreover, just as I am unsure of the difference between 

    flora and fauna and flotsam and jetsam,

  I am quite sure that marriage is the alliance of two people 

    one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other 

    never forgetsam,

  And he refuses to believe there is a leak in the water pipe or 

    the gas pipe and she is convinced she is about to asphyxiate 

    or drown,

  And she says Quick get up and get my hairbrushes off the 

    windowsill, it's raining in, and he replies Oh they're all right, 

    it's only raining straight down.

  That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce,

  Because it's the only known example of the happy meeting of 

    the immovable object and the irresistible force.

  So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and 

    combat over everything debatable and combatable,

  Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 

    particularly if he has income and she is pattable.