You would think that a large German Shepherd named Dante and an expensive car alarm would prevent your car from being broken into, wouldn�t you? Add to this scenario the fact that your car is parked not two feet from your front door, behind which lurks the omnipotent �Dante.� Who would risk such a thing?

Petty car thieves, that�s who. Despite the three preventatives listed above, two cars parked at 1352 Discovery Ave. were broken into last week, and the thieves got away, scot free. How do we know the thieves are three? A list of stolen goods includes ten dollars in emergency-gas-money, a CD wallet containing primarily �burnt� CDs, and three Cokes. Distraught auto theft victim Benjamin Stewart explains, �I usually turn that damn alarm on every night. Damnit.� When asked whether or not he reported the crime to the police, Stewart replied, �For three Cokes?�

Detectives turned their attention to the dog. Why didn�t he bark? Isn�t that what he does...day in, day out...for twelve months of the year? What could cause this dog, whose bite IS as bad as his bark, to snarl at wonton passerby, yet remain silent while three people commit a random act of vandalism? Some say chance...others say too much dinner. See our related article in our features column.

Meet Bailey Cyr. After nine years of child rearing and nurturing, Cyr is ready to turn her attention to someone else: herself.

�It�s not that I don�t enjoy my kids,� says the aging feline, �it�s just that I�m not getting any younger, and I don�t feel I�ll be able to keep up the energy any longer.� Cyr is purebred Persian, and has raised several litters of beautiful kittens. �Once,� she reminisces, �I escaped from the house when I was �in heat� as we like to say, and ran headfirst into the neighborhood Casanova, Whiskers. I knew it was wrong, and I knew he wasn�t my type. Heck, he wasn�t even Persian! But he was definitely my favorite.�

Bailey Cyr was born with a heart murmur. It was doubtful that she would live to be the wise and seasoned mother she is today. Even more unlikely were her chances of ever giving birth due to the amount of stress the body goes through during pregnancy. However, after several years of building strength and rigorous resistance training, Bailey became the mother she always wanted to be.

When asked what she plans to do with herself in her spare time, the pretty Persian paused pensively, �I think I�ll take up yoga.�