This is a long story. Way too long to worry about grammar... maybe some day. To understand it you need to know a few things.
1.) I ...encountered... Susan twice. The first time i ignored her, the second time we fought.
2.) we only argued the second trip. and the arguing was all week, so if it sounds like my story doesn't make sense it's becuase it all happened over a bunch of days and I might confuse the order of the days.
The first time I went down my dad met me at the airport, I drove to a nearby publix and we got some groceries. It was about 11pm. I drove us home and when we pull in the driveway I see the door cracking. Susan is peeking out the door to see me. Shes drunk and being extra nice. I hated her. She never shut up. I hate when people I don't like talk too much.
Anyway While I was there I found a joint on the back porch. My first thought was "oh shit! Andrews trying to frame me" I say that because my bestfriend in miami was andrew. him and i used to smoke and chill all the time. But one day my mom found out he smoked weed so she said i couldnt hang out with him anymore. i started going to gables high school and me and andrew rode the same bus. i tried to ignore him because i knew if i talked to him wed chill smoke and id get tested. If i got caught smoking weed id go to military school. So i ignored him. I thought he was mad about it and knew i was in town so put the joint on our steps to get me in trouble. Then i looked closer and i noticed it had lipstick on it. Only person around my house with lipstick...was Susan. so when my dad got home i showed him, he pretended to act like he didnt know about it.
i kept on just ignoring susan and digging up shit to tell my mom so we could hate on susan. Every night susan would get drunk off her vodka and shit. i hated it. We went out to eat one night, my dad and susan got plastered and i drove home. susan sat in the front seat so when i was driving all of a sudden this drunk bitch is staring at me. She puts her hand on my leg, and tells me "you know michael...youre so much cuter than your brother...your brother thinks hes sooo cute because he has all his muscles, but hes not. youre much cuter" and now im just freaked out. a nasty drunk 50 year old bitch is rubbing my leg. what do i do? well i was driving on I95 (a thruway in Florida) and i had to get off the trhuway so i turned onto the off-ramp. Youre only supposed to go 35 on the off ramp but i went 60, susan slid because i turned so fast and her hand was off me. Shes a slut.
I watched madtv on saturday night and susan claimed to love madtv but when bunifa came on she goes "whos that? whitney houston?" and i got pissed because if susan watched madtv so much shed know who it was. but she didnt. she was just trying to get on my good side. i hated her. she found out i told my mom about the weed and said to me "michael...whyd you tell your mother about my maruh-juh-wana?" i hated her. shes 50. she cant say maruh juh wana like shes cute. shes 50 shes not cute! she used to take walks and go pick the neighbors flowers. i hated it because they werent hers. they werent hers!
this is the awesome part. my dad got my mom drunk (not awesome) but my mom came to my dads house saying "suuuusan....." and susan was locked in my dads bedroom. i said "mom youre drunk, go to your hotel." and she insisted on coming in. she said she wanted to apologize to susan. so i let my mom go ahead and she walked to my dads bedroom door. as she walked through she saw some of susans shit on the walls and that pissed my mom off. she had lived in that house for 30 years only to have to leave her home and have this bitch come in and replace her. susan was screaming through the door about my mom and it pissed my mom off more. so my mom took susans shit off the walls. she entered and i was holding my mom making sure nothing got out of hand. as we enter susans all covered up like the dumb bitch she is and shes on her fucking cell phone and screams "MICHAEL! AHH GET HER OUT!! GET HER OUT!!!" and my mom starts screaming how susans a dumb bitch and "Get the fuck outta my house!" and throws susans little cross onto the bed. susan hides under the covers because shes a pussy. anyway i grab my mom and throw her out. susan then tries to call the cops and i stop her. susan then claims that my mom beat her and that my mom threw numerous things at her, which hit her eye making her partially blind. bullshit.
blah blah blah im ending part one. so now what happens? its the second visit...my mom and susan hate eachother horribly. they had exchanged insults via the telephone. so this second time i go to miami. im not there visiting my dad but im in miami so me and my mom decided i would sleep at my dads house, and my mom would sleep at her sisters. back to our arrival. we drive into my old neigborhood and my mom didnt want to park infront of my dads house so she parks across the street in front of the neighbors house. and they come out. So i get out and me and my mom start talking with paul and ursula. then my dad walks across the street with a beer in his hand and his sun glasses on. he gives us a hug and talks with us. then herb and sylvia walk over. herb, also has a beer. then me my dad sylvie and herb kind of develop our own conversation talking about new york and how ive missed miami blah blah blah. my mom paul and ursula talk amongst themselves but still stand next to us. my moms back to the road. then like a scene out of a cheesy horror movie, out comes the blob. old saggy chested susan with her roll of fat supporting her old-fat-sacks-she-calls-tits like a natural bra. disturbing. traumatizing. damn my memory.
now as susan walks over with her "im better than you" attitude, she stands next to my father in between the 2 groups. only ursula says "oh hi susan" and susan smiles. she also has glasses on. shes a dumbass i hate her. my mom, whos back is to susan, turns her head over her shoulder and glances at susan and turns back around disgusted that the bitch had the nerve to walk over to us all. so anyway my mom leaves and i go inside with my father to the house. susan leads the way. another frightening sight to see her baggy ass speed walk away. why werent there any cars? she didnt look when she crossed. blah. we get into the house and we have wood floors so i hear this bitch slamming her feet against the floor as she stomps around because shes a bitch. then as i enter and AS SOON as i close the door susan spins around, points her fucking finger in my face and says "AND YOU!!!!! HOW COULD YOU TEL YOUR MOTHER I GET DRUNK EVERYDAY?!?" and i reply "...because its true." and she goes "IT IS NOT!!!" and now my dad tells her to shut up and be nice to me. she says no she cant believe i would "lie against her" and she proceeds to say "HIS MOTHER TURNED HER BACK TO ME!!" and im sitting at the counter smiling because i hate her, and i say "what did you expect?" and she was walking away then she spins and says "WHAT?!" and starts screaming at me to which i just sit and smile. that pisses her off. i knew it would so i kept it up. mind games. as long as i smiled she got pissed and i didnt. after 15 minutes i was progressively arguing back more and more because im a hardheaded fool. anyway my dad decides to stay out of it. hes argued with me before. so susan keeps screaming her head off. i call my sister sarah. sarah cracks up saying "what the hell is wrong with her!?" and continues to laugh at susans insanity. and susan is still screaming at me. i say "im on the phone!!!" and she gives me a nasty glare and storms away.
it makes me happy i can piss her off. so then my dad starts doing laundry and i step outside with him. and susan was in the bathroom, and the window was open. and so i say "well thanks for the welcoming" and my dad says "yeah really" then susan storms out screaming at both of us. now shes mad at my dad too.
blah blah blahh. my mom decided to stay down the street in the hampton inn. so my dad and i take off to my moms room. we tell my mom about susans psychotic ass and we all hate on her. (if youre wondering why my dads bitching about susan, but still fucking her... my dads whipped) so i go to sarahs house we chill then i go home. me and susan argue some more, while im on the phone. damn shes got a good reputation now. she says shes going to have her scrawny little pothead son beat my ass. i laugh at her.
NEXT DAY! ive survived. awesome. now today were reaching some of the climaxing of my personal jerry springer episode. susan keeps yelling at me saying she was going to take the week off so i couldnt steal anything blah blah blah and im like youre full of shit i hate you shut up. heres the funny stuff... atleast to me. i was on the phone with sarah again planning to go to the movies and what happens? yeah, psycho screams some more. and me being the sarcastic little sadist bastard i am, i smile and laugh at her. i make wise cracks about her sanity and stae of mind. everytime i would reply to her stupid comments she would say "ugh michael i dont have time for this. youre so supercilious!" and id say something like "supercilious?! nice word!! bet THAT ones in the dictionary." and shed say "for your information i attended the university of miami." and it seemed her favorite saying was "guh...michael, talk to the wall, ok!? talk to the wall!" and shed stomp away. so i say back "talk to the wall?! what are you, susan. black??" and she gets mad and says "you know what michael..." and i would say "do i care?" now shes just plain pissed. she knows i dont give a shit about anything she does. so shed start talking and i just smile and laugh and she said "ugh..youre sooo cool michael! .....NOT!!!" made me crack up. then she goes as far to say "ugh....michael, youre so immature." and i go "IM immature? youre the one arguing with a 15 year old!" and she had stomp away because she had no come back. im awesome. i know. that night was spent at my moms hotel. me my father and mother all spent the night at the hotel. how fucked up. my dad had to leave his own house because susan infested the places like termites.
lets call this the next day. i cant really remember what was said on what day but this seems good to start a new day. by now susan hates me. damn does this bitch hate on milks. anyway its getting awesome now. i mean shit. today i argue a little with the ugly bitch then i go to nicks. we smoke chill laugh about this dumb bitch my dads fucking. i spend the night. and the next night. then i go back to my dads. nick calls. susan answers. nick says "oh hello, anita, is michael there?" and susan says "DONT YOU EVER CALL ME THAT!" and clicks on nick. anita is my mom and nick purposely called susan anita because he knew itd piss her off. anyway he calls back and she clicks on him without even answering. he calls again. click. again. click. again. "michael" says susan, so i say "who is it? is it nick?" and she just hands me the phone and stomps away. then he tells me "damn yo that bitch is crazy!!!" and i laugh and im like i know. anyway my dad came home and susan started yelling at him about me. and i yelled at susan but she wouldnt glance at me. then finally i got her to yell at me. now! an argument! haha damn i love pissing people off. anyway we keep arguing and shed say "ugh... you know what michael" "HA! you think i care." "im getting a migraine!" "smoke too much, susan? a little high? maybe thats why youre so dumb" and i kept referencing to her pot smoking self. not like i never did that but this bitch didnt know that. anyway she says to my dad "DO YOU HEAR THAT?! MICHAEL THAT JOINT WASNT EVEN MINE!!" and i said "susan it had lipstick on it. you want me to believe my dad wears lipstick?" and she starts to walk away then says "it wasnt smoked!" and i said "it was burnt! im not stupid. you expect me to believe it was burnt but not smoked?!" and then she stomped away and slammed the door. damn im awesome!
this deserves its own paragraph. during this whole visit susan is on her cell phone talking to her boss saying how im ruining her life. or shes talking to her son saying come beat his ass. or when im right by the door shell say something like "you should beat his ass! hes a little punk!" shed acknowledge that im close and say "ugh you know what brandon? its not even worth it. hes a little piece of shit. hes not worth it." my feelings were so hurt. not really. if i can do one thing good, its argue and everything that comes with that. well clearly susan was an amature. so that night to get me in truoble what does she do? while me and my dad are outside on the porch susan screams "doug come quick! i just saw nick run away and theres a joint on the front step!!" and i come out and scream at her. "SUSAN YOU DUMB BITCH NICK LIVES IN BROWARD COUNTY! AND YOUVE NEVER SEEN HIM SO HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY SHIT YOU DUMB BITCH!" she really pissed me off insulting my friends. so she just walks away. by now shes given up on bitching about my cursing. the part of broward county that nick lives in would be like buffalo is to rochester. also i called her a pedophile. she got pissed and denied touching me. the liar. my dad yelled at her and i yelled at her and susan brought up "the attack" on her by my mom. she got mad saying where is my mom shes gonna go beat her ass and im sitting at the counter again and she comes screaming "wheres your mother!! WHERE IS SHE! IM GONNA BEAT HER ASS!!!!" so i just sit and give her a "bitch you must be crazy" look. she goes "WHERE IS SHE!!!!!" and i say "why would i tell you if youre going to 'beat her ass'?" and she says "YOURE ON HER SIDE?!?!" to which i reply "uh...shes my mom." and my dad laughed, grabbed susan and told her to calm down. she screams at him saying how can he stick up for me and her (my mom). me and my dad went back to my moms hotel again.
anyway, me my mom and dad went to the VFW. we visited a few old friends. blah i walked to sarahs who lives about 2 blocks away. i went back home. blah blah blah susan threatens to call the cops on me. im like bitch its not even your house you cant have me removed. and she keeps saying shes calling the cops im going to be removed. so i grab the phone and phone book, walk outside and dial the miami polica department. i get some chick who transfers me to some other chick. i ask this lady if i can get kicked out if she does call the cops and she says no your dad would have to consent to your removal and im like awesome perfect great and shes like but you shouldnt even be there arent there any relatives you can go to? you shouldnt be in that position and im like yeah blah blah so shes like alright. and i say thank you and i walk inside. the lady didnt say bye so i didnt know whether to hang up or not. so i didnt but i walked inside and then susan starts screaming and my dad screams back. then the lady breaks the silence. "whats your address?" "twenty-three twenty, south-west...twenty-seventh lane." "and whats your phone number?" "eight five four...three nine.. two five." "thank you. im sending a car out there" "thanks" shit. i almost died. thats awesome. this drunk bitch could get arrested because of her own loud mouth self. well i come back smerking like the asshole that i am. susan is screaming about calling the cops and i say "dont bother. i called the police department to see if i could be taken away like you said. they said i cant. and also the lady heard you screaming and decided to send a cop car." so susan gets mad saying i called the cops on her. so she goes and gets dressed. 5 cops pull up. i was like "OH SHIT!" its like a scene from cops. so i open the door and they want to talk to me. i start telling them then here comes susans drunk ass "oh my God im so embarrased! i work for the opera!!" and my the one cop says "thats nice maam" and my dad goes "yeah really! who cares susan?" and me and the other cop laugh. then the one cop talking to me tells susan "maam, let him talk please." and i dont get near done when he says "alright." then he talks to susan. the other cop is talking to my dad. and just as were all talking to the cops my dads old friend pulls up. they havent seen eachother in years. billy is drunk off his ass too and asking whats going on. the cops tell him he cant be there and he needs to leave. bill wants to know whats going on and almost gets arrested. anyway they leave by telling susan to behave. she hates my guts. awesomeness of life.
next day and its about 7. im going to tell my dad im gonna go out. but hes on the shitter. and susans standing right infront of the door trying to talk to him. she drunks off her ass might i add. anyway she hears me coming and blocks the hall. and so i say "can i get by?" and she says no i said "fine. i was going to ask my dad if i can go out. you shouldve let me through. you couldve gotten rid of me sooner." and i turn around and walk out of the hall and into the kitchen where i spy susans magic tea. a pitcher of it and her glass. so my evil mind starts reeling... i open the cupboard and peer inside. i see the tobasco sauce. hahaha i take it and pour a few splashes in her personal glass. then i put it back...and i notice the garlic right next to where i put the tobasco. so i pour tons of garlic in her pitcher and some in her glass. then i put it all back, shake her glass a little so it all dissolves and sit down. i wait for my dad to come out, and susan follows him. i smerk ever so gleefully as this stupid hoebag drinks my crazy concoction. i tell my dad about me leaving and he doesnt care. he just wants some peace and with me there while susans there hell never get it. but he leaves with me. hes had enough of her drunk hoe self. so he goes to my moms hotel and i go to sarahs. we ride out to bayside with her family. we end up going back to her house. and its like 9 so martha comes out saying in her cuban accented voice "michael! your mother just called! she says youre going to have to sleep here tonight! em... susan says shes going to call the cops! what did you do? you poisoned her?" and i crack up and i tell her how i put garlic in her drink. martha being the awesome lady she is cracks up and gives me a high five. then doris drives me and sarah to my house to get me some clothes to change into in the morning.....
oh yes. a new paragraph. WELL! as doris pulls into my driveway me and sarah get her to honk the horn. were mean and just like disturbing the crackhead alcoholic thats taken over my house. so i tell sarah to come see the evil psycho thats storming about my house while i get some clothes. sarah comes in and susan screams at me. she says i poisoned her. shes going to call the cops. she can "hardly speak" and her vocal chords are "singed." sarah cracks up at this bitches crazyness. i tell susan to go smoke some more weed. we leave.
i go back to sarahs house for the night. i sit around talking to doris sarah and chandler about how susans crazy and shit. we look up supercilious...it is a word. so susan actually knows something. anyway it ended up she used it incorrect so we laughed about that. after we all talked we went to bed. in the morning i left to broward for a thanksgiving dinner. i get to tell my whole family about psycho and how susan screamed at my mom saying horrible things and wouldnt shut up even after my mom cried...twice. yeah i hate susan. my dad picks me up we drive back to miami and i sleep at his house. he had to go to work the next day. susan who has claimed all these crazy things says she has migraines because of my poisoning her and she had an allergic reactiong and shit. so i ignore her the whole. except i take notes on her. she says she can barely move but she storms around the house all day. and she says her vocal chords are signed yet she sat in bed all day talking to her boss how i was so bad and to her son. by the way it was a schoolday and about 11am. so why was her 17 year old son not in school? and i took notes on all her little lies. especially if she was poisoned why didnt she go to the hospital and get her stomach pumped like a normal person would? so at about 1 i decided to call my dad and tell him everything ive learned before she gets a chance to tell him otherwise. amazingly she has already called him and lied. but my dad knows me and knows i told the truth. also in this time period my dads beeper has gone missing, and susan claims 50 bucks of hers disappeared also. she tells my dad its my plot to break them up. hell blame her for the missing beeper, and shell blame her for the money. but she blames me for both. bullshit. anyway that day after my dad threatens to kick her out guess who finds my fathersbeeper in a pot planter? susan. what a coincidence. and also there was a chair under the pot plant before the beeper was found. susan stood on it to put the beeper in the potter, then forgot to move the chair. and her excuse was she was watering the plants. amazingly though the beeper was fuly functional after she watered the plants and at the same time unwittingly watered the beeper. she couldnt cover her tracks. anyway she said i owed her 100 dollars because i left the portable phone upside down and backwards on the charger so it didnt charge, died, and she couldnt get calls from her boss to go work. i said 1.) thats bull because she was going to take the fucking week off anyway to make sure i didnt take anything so it wouldve been extra money if she wouldve taken the job and i wouldnt pay for any extra income she wouldve had. and 2.) she said the 50 was to go to buy her son a thanksgiving present but then she changed that and said it was hers. she kept lying and it was obvious. she was still upset that i "called the cops" on her. i hate her anyway.
my last night in miami and i went back to nicks grandmas house to spend the night. well guess whos grandma introduced susan to my father? nicks. ironic. my best friends grandmother set my father up with this slut. anyway my dad brought all m shit to nicks house. and susan came with him because shes a gay little bitch and i hate her. my dad comes inside talks to barbara for a second then she takes him somewhere else in the house to show him something. susan is left standing in the living room with me and nick. so i walk into the kitchen. i cant stand drunk stankin hoes. uh..i walk out of the kitchen and susans still there staring at the tv which is on mute. nick is still standing there wondeirng what the hell shes doing. then she looks around and says "oh are you niiick?" and he says yeah she says "oh im susan! nice to meeeet yooou niiick!" and she didnt let go of his hand for a few seconds. after the slut left and the stank left with her, nick said "damn yo she wanted to fuck me huh?" and im like "she wants to fuck anything that walks" and he was like "yeh man u saw how she held my hand" and i was like "yeah shes nasty" and we made fun of her some more.
then i came back to normal rochester with my mom. i guess im trying to say....the end. bitches!
Well, I went back again. I brought a journal so I could write down everything that happened before I forgot. My dad, unfortunately, told Susan to be nice so I only wrote 2 entries before I stopped writing entries :( BUT they're hilarious so read:
OK, I'm home.Scheisza! She left a note saying how she moved her shit so I would have room. Too nice. The hous ereeks of her all-penetrating odor. her shit's on the walls again. Lucky my mom's not in Dade or else she might throw Susan's shit at her. She's only being nice because she wants my dad. I feel like the son of a rich man -I can do whatever I want and she can't stop me. Ha! My entrance log is complete, or so I think...who knows?
Day 1: I was sleeping on the couch. My dad woke me. I heard Susan moving around so I got up and ready to write. I'm waiting for the beast to come out of the bathroom (12:02 pm)
(12:04) Utsa alive! She's speaking to me!!!!
"Hi Michael"
"Hi."
"You guys came in late, huh?"
"Yeah." DUH! You heard us come in at 4 am. I'm disguising my journal-writing by putting it in my history folder and "reading" my textbook. Oh so slick. I don't know where the monster disappeared -scheisza, she's back and talking to me!
"Wow you have to do homework this early ::big grin::?" I nodded my head. The beast is in coochie cutters. Qu� horrible. Her jiggly, cellulite-laden thighs. She's fat too. I;m out. Biggest spaz ever.
That's the end of that. I was disappointed, but atleast I got something, right?