Aiight son, as ya'll know I work at publix, which, for you yanks, is the Wegmans of Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee and Virginia. Anyway, people are weird. I mean strange; off their rocker; a little off; psycho; nutso; etc, etc, etc... I was working one fine Sunday and I witnessed the craziest of crazy occurences I have ever seen (and you know I've seen a lot of crazy shit living with my mom). This lady walked in... Una vieja latina, or in English, an old spanish lady. I can't even describe her. Let me start with that face. Oh the face. I don't know if you've ever seen the Simpsons episode where Homer decides to invent all kinds of shit? And he invents the make-up gun. This gun Homer invents is like a shotgun almost. He loads it with the make-up and then shoots the woman in the face to instantly put the make-up on her. Of course it doesn't work right and they come out looking like a clown. Anyway, that's what the psycho looked like. Like someone shot her in the face with Homers make-up gun. She had curly gray hair, and extra thick glasses. She walks in and decides to go shopping. She's screaming to herself and yelling but we're just like ok she's weird. Then she sees the cigar case in the front of the store. She walks over and starts yelling "�AY MI MADRE! TIENEN CIGARROS!!" and starts yelling all the names we have and how wonderful that is and how good the cigars are. This goes on for about 2 minutes. She then proceeds through the store, puts shit in her cart, but does not buy it. Just leaves. She's now in the parking lot with another cart with nothing in it. She's unloading shit from her car and is out there about 15 minutes literally yelling at the top of her voice about some shit. I was sent out on cart duty, and as I was taking a cart from a customer so that I could return it to the store the lady customer tells me "You see that woman? She's been out here for a while." and in a whisper: "I think she's a little off.." Oh yeah bitch; she's whacko. I go inside and report my findings to all the others crowded around anxiously awaiting my return for the news update on the Publix Puta. Then, we see her come inside the store and walk to the corner where the payphone and copy machine are. She starts to whip out all kinds of papers and starts yelling to herself shit that no one could understand. Of course I'm nosey so I decided to 'get a drink of water,' which was code for eavesdrop on the nutcase. I walked over to hear her yelling at the copying machine in her broken Spanish-accented English "WEIRD RECEIPTS! WEIRD RECEIPTS!" I return to my job. By now she's been on store grounds about 45 minutes and once finished with the copier she moves on to the payphone. She talks on the payphone for a while as we all ask eachother shit like "Ya think anyone is on the other line?" Periodically we check on her to see what's going on. The second time I spied on her she had laid a little bed on the floor with her "weird receipts" and was standing on them as if scared that germs from the floor may get on her mud encrusted shoes. A few minutes pass and I go back to see what the psycho is up to now. She has now sat down on the floor, in the corner, while talking on the payphone extra loud. It gets better. Minutes later, nasty toes is spotted laying on the floor, sprawled out, screaming on the phone. I now realize why her glasses were so thick. She had 2 pairs on. She stays on the ground, crouched in the corner like a conspiracy theory freak for some time, until finally there is chatter all around, customers and workers, (which reminded me of the type of chatter you hear from a very excited audience at a zoo watching the sleeping beast awaken) "It's moving!" She is now off the phone and is gathering her materials. She starts out the door and we breathe a sigh of relief. But what's this? She only stepped out the door to get a cart! She's coming back in! Oh hell no, this bitch wants to shop!! As she walks through the store one of our baggers, Brandon, sees her looking lost and says "Ma'am, can I help you find somethin'?" and she yells at him "No! 'Cause I don't know you! I don't drink Caf� Latte!" Brandon runs away trying his hardest not to laugh at the scary bitch in her face. She is next spotted going down an aisle. She comes back out the Aisle about 2 minutes later to just go down the next aisle. A good amount of peaceful time passes and we think she's disappeared. But Ashley comes to report to me that she was just seen at the meat department fussing at the meat man. He was cutting her meat and she yelled at him in Spanish screaming like the madwoman she is, to which the meat man calmly replies "Ma'am, calm down. I can't understand you!" As we laugh about this walking fruitcake, Terrel comes downstairs from his break and asks "Did I miss anything exciting?" Just as we open our lips to tell him all about the encouters we've had today, we hear the loud Spanish gab and look up to see the Publix Puta coming through our line. Terrell just looks at us and says "OH HELL NO!" and walks away just as fast as can be. Me and the cashier however, look at eachother with eyes as big as bowling balls and mouths dropped to our belly buttons in horror. Shocked. Dismayed. We can't deal with a psycho like that, but luckily our line was too long for this crazy bitch and she goes to customer service to check out... with our manager Jenny, who had been receiving complaints about the psycho all day and had no clue what to do about it besides hide herself in her work upstairs so no one could blame her about the woman. Well, Jenny was in for a shocker as this lady comes to proceed through her line. Approaching the counter, I hear this lady screaming "I CAN CHECK OUT! I KNOW MY RIGHTS! I'M AN AMERICAN! I SING THE SONG!" and begins singing some fucked up song she made up in her fucked up head. Our manager was trying so hard not to laugh that her face was red. This lady goes on and on "I LOTTO! I CAN LOTTO! I KNOW LOTTO! I'M AN AMERICAN, I KNOW MY RIGHTS!" Finally, with a great many jokes and cracks on her from us, and the customers, she leaves. She stands at her car once again for 15 more minutes until finally disappearing in her baby-shit-brown Volvo. Unfortunately, she will be a regular and I will have many more stories about the Publix Puta.
My mom, and I were standing in the kitchen. I drinking orange juice, her blowing her nose. The dog is below my mom hovering about her feet. The dog makes one of those weird dog noises where they blow air out of their nose, like they've sniffed in too much, so they blow some out. A noise like that, and my mom's like "Oh shut up" so she -immitatingly- blows out air from her nose just like the dog did and as soon as she blows out the air she goes "Oh. Damn. It's coming out!" grabs her nose, and runs into the bathroom. Me, realizing that she ejected snot by mistake, crack up and end up throwing orange juice into my noise and spraying it all across the house while laughing and crying hysterically at my stupid mom.
To understand the hilariousity of this, you have to understand something. 1.) you probably had to be there, but make due and use your imagination...I'll do my best to acurately describe it.
2.) Nikky Anderson.
3 words come to mind... "OH DEAR GOD!!!" This is a true beast. This psycho freak bitch is about twice my height, long blonde flat hair and skinner than me. All right, enough for visual, now for more personality-ish descriptions: "Sasquatch," as she has been entitled, talks too much. Not only that, she talks in a loud, very annoying, pre-pubescent, semi-nasal, horrific, oh-so-distinctive voice. She never shuts up either. I hate her. Steph Kolb hates her. Jill hates her. Well, we all ride the same bus. As I'm sitting on the second seat from the front on the right side, Steph is sitting in the 3rd from the front on the left. We're the only ones with 1 person in our seats. Then the bus driver opens the bus for one of those morons who waits till the bus is about to pull away...it was the beast. As she's kicking the snow off her shoes in the front of the bus, I jump to the edge of my seat, eyes exploding, and look at Steph in a cry for help. She laughs and says "Do you want to sit here?" and I say okay. So I sit next to her, then the bus driver has to wait for another one... Now, Nikki is in my ex seat, while I'm sitting with Steph... And Jill gets on. She looks and Steph and I are cracking up, and Jill looks at Nikki with the only open seat and says "OH NO!!" and walks by, realizing that there are no more seats open, she resigns to sit with Sasquatch. We laughed at her the whole way home, and we also made fun of beasto, over there. Then, the next day I'm on the bus in the same seat. Steph gets on: same seat. Then, I see the bus driver getting ready to open the doors again. I look outside to see who's out there because, of course, I will not sit with that thing...she might eat me or something. She's out there. Waiting. So I jump to the edge of the seat, eyes wide, semi-pissed, semi-ready to cry. Steph laughs and lets me sit with her again. We sit there and talk about "What if Jill got on? She'd have to sit with her again." Well, sure enough, guess who gets on the bus, in the same exact situation? Yes, Jill. HAHAHAHA. Steph and I laughed so friggin hard. And as Jill had to share the seat with the demon-beast, I held in another laugh. I held it in, thinking of how she had to do it yesterday, and then today. I was so giddy it was like a mind orgasm. I held it in till half way through the ride I let out this demonic-childish giggle that lasted about 2 minutes. Steph and Jill just stared at me as I laughed this hideously odd squeal of a laugh. I guess you had to hear it, but damn I was as ecstatic as a 4 year old on Christmas day. Jill punched me. Tomorrow's another day...let's see if I have another story to add...
I was talking to Sarah back when I lived in Miami, and my brother and her sister had talked on the phone all night, so they were going to go out and meet eachother, and me and Sarah were going to go with them. Kind of like a double date, only not a date. Well, I got my clothes out of the closet, and went to take a shower. I got out, started getting dressed, and as I'm putting on my pants I see a roach come crawling out the bottom of my pants legs. I freaked out. I'm scared as all hell of roaches, ever since I was little I've been tormented by them, and now there's one in my pants. I screamed this monstrous, deep roar of a scream and my mom comes running in the bathroom while I'm half naked, standing on the toilet. I had to slam the door on her, and tell her what happened. I couldn't find the roach after I lifted my pants so we went on our way and... [proceed to next story for more]
After I got dressed and my brother and I made it to the car, we get in, and we hear ..clunk clunk clunk. Christina, who is driving, stops the car, and says "What's that?" We hear the noise again, and my brother, a 6'4, 250lb built fighting machine, being a bigger wuss than me, jumps out of the car and runs to the sidewalk screaming "There's something in the car!!" We laughed at him all night.
When I was little my best friends were Daniel, David, and Andrew. We were all in Daniel's yard and Andrew said to Daniel "What's your sign?" and Daniel turns around and he says "Huh? Oh, I'm a gringo."
I was at this place [that cannot be named [for reasons that can also not be named]] and I was with this other person [who cannot be named]. Well, they were smoking and I like lighters so I lit it for them. I'm lighting it and i hear all this crackling then they back up and say in a very monotone, semi-nasal voice "You just burnt my nose." And I'm like "OH SHIT I'M SORRY!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! OH MY GOD!!" And she's like "Yeah, it's ok. It doesn't hurt for the first 3 seconds." So what happened was, I put the lighter too close to their face and the flame went up their nostrils and singed their hairs up there. It was hilarious.
I was at this place [that cannot be named [for reasons that can also not be named]] and I was with Jill. Well, we were outside hiding and this other person [who cannot be named] wanted something [that cannot be named] and we didn't want to give it to her. We were outside and we tried to hide by crouching next to the wall, both of us facing the door. Imagine this now, Jill behind me, knees bent, leaning over eyes fixated on the door. Me, same way. Then I hear PFFFFFT. I turn around and Jill is still knee-bent, leaning over staring at the door and I took a second, then cracked up. I started screaming "YOU FARTED!!" and I ran inside to tell everyone, meanwhile Jill's holding me back yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO GET US CAUGHT! SHE'S GOING TO CATCH US!!" and I'm rushing inside dragging Jill who's hanging on to me for dear life screaming "SHE'S GOING TO KNOW!!" Well, I told everyone how it was so silent and Jill just let it rip. Last time she does that!
Everytime I go to the doctor it seems my testacles need checking. And I also just HAPPEN to get the queer doctors. The first time I got the queer intern asking me all the questions about sex and palpating my testacles, he touched my junk!! I was scared. Scarred, even. Then, today I had another. The doctor brings in an intern knowing I'm there for a teste check up! And he was gay! I mean, this guy was off the charts queer and he goes to shake my hand, smiling extra big "HI nice to meet you!!" Back off. Then, the doctor who looked normal crosses his legs chick style, and starts getting feminine on me. I always sit farthest seat away from the doctor's seat, and when he came in the intern sat on the table, which was near me and the doctor sat like... there was a seat in between us. He has the gay balls to ask me if I "want to move closer." I shocked him when I was like "Uhh.. No I'm fine. I'm comfortable enough, I'll stay here.." So he gets this look like OOOOOK... You know how people get that look when they try to use reverse psychology and try to entice you over or some shit? That look. And that tone. But I stayed in my far seat. Then he asks me some questions and says "Okay, well let's take a look. Drop your pants." That scared me. No man should ever say that to another man. Ever. But I had to, so I did. And as I'm unbelting myself and all, he snaps 2 latex gloves out and I freaked out. But I pulled my pants down some, pulled my boxers down and let it all out scared shitless, knees literally shaking. Then, he suggests I should completely drop my pants. He sickens me. He goes palpating around and decides he's going to take TEN FUCKING MINUTES WITH HIS HANDS ON MY PACKAGE FEELING AROUND! I just grimaced and stared at the wall. Meanwhile, the intern stares at my special region. Didn't talk, just stared. Then after the guy gets a good enough feel he tells me to pull my pants up and I had to stop holding my meat away, so he copped a look. I mean shit the guy WATCHED as I pulled up my pants. AND THEN IT GETS WORSE!!! He goes and gets some thing on testicular cancer (even tho I DON'T have it) and sits next to me so I "can see" the little palm pilot with the information on it. He's like, leaning over into my seat trying to explain things and getting too close, so I shocked him again when I backed away lol. I wouldn't look at him even tho he kept looking at me and I like squeezed away as far as I could. Now, with that bastard out of my way let me say that I'm completely positive that I'm so never going to the doctor's again. I'll die before I get my areas palpated and violated again. And I haven't had that up the butt thing yet so I figure I either have to die, or move and lie to the doctor.
Today we had an amnesty/spanish/german/asl/french/etc club party thing. And someone brought these little bags so you can put your own little stuff in and take it home with you. Well, i saw one on each corner and I'm like oh look at the decorations, thinking it was a little cool bag with candy for anyone, and I go up and I'm reaching in and this black kid's is staring at me and he's like "Whatchu doin'?" and I say "Getting candy..." And he's like "You can't have none!" and Melissa and Katie turn around and are like "What are you doing?!" and I'm like "THE CANDY'S FOR EVERYONE!!" and they're like "NO IT'S NOT!!" so im yelling back that it is. I eat my piece and hear the black kid talking to Melissa and Katie and they're like "He reached in your bag?!" and he's like "Yeah he just reached in there and took some candy" So I finally realized that was HIS personal candy and I just stole some. I felt so stupid everyone was laughing at me.
I was rearranging the furniture with my mom cause she just had to change it up again. As we're moving this big heavy couch, she's bent over lifting and I'm on the other end bending over and lifting... when I hear "pfft!" She was straining so much that a fart just slipped the hell out.
No, I wasn't caught masturbating. I was in the bathroom taking a whiz. I left the door open because my mom was downstairs. I also was feeling lazy so I sat down on the toilet. Then I hear my mom come up the stairs as I started to release my bladder. I pulled my shirt and stretched it around my knee so if she were to walk in she wouldn't see anything. Well, she walks in, stands there as I scream "MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET OUT! IM TRYING TO PEE!" She turns to the sink, and says "I'm sorry! I need my toothbrush!" Now, I'm just plain pissed. She stands there for 10 more minutes getting her damned hygene supplies while I'm sitting on the shitter trying to cover myself up. I had to scream some more "MOM!!!!! GET OUT!!!!! SCHEISZA!!!!!!" She finally left.
My mom likes snow. I lied, she loves it. So, she's also a Weather Channel fanatic. All this weekend she's been telling I'm going to have a snow day. Later, she was complaining that it hadn't started snowing yet. At around 6 it started snowing a little and I told her. Then around 9 It was snowing harder so I told her, and she yells "I checked last time and it wasn't snowing! You better not be lying again!!!" I tell her to come look for herself, and she comes up the stairs and goes to the door where I'm standing. She sees the snow and says in a little-kid, almost "awww" type, semi-fascinated, semi-orgasmic way: "Ohhhh... It's snowing... ohhhhhhhhh." And as she says it the window fogs up from her breath. I started laughing way too hard and screamed "Ill mom!" and she says "What? My breath??"
I was in the kitchen talking to my mom about some random subject matter. I'm going on and on just explaining to her something that's not too important when in the middle of my speech I hear PFFT. My mouth drops open, my eyes bug out and I look at my mom trying to keep myself from cracking up, and I say "Did you just fart?!" and my waits about 2 seconds while staring at me before replying and says in a semi-ashamed, semi-laughing way "...Yeees..."
When I was little I would do stupid things by myself. And one time I was home alone, and got thirsty. So I took a pack of koolaid and went to the bathroom. I filled up the sink and added the koolaid then I tried to drink it out of the sink. It made my mouth burn so I put the sink thing back down and let all the water back out. Then my dad got home and screamed at me "MICHAEL!! WHAT THE HELL IS IN THE SINK???" and me being the litttle 6 year old liar I was "I don't know.." and then my ass was beat because the sink had a bunch of red shit all in it.
I was on the computer upstairs and I heard my mom come inside downstairs, so I walked by the stairs and jumped out when she came up and i said "Gloria called" and she jumped back, then looks at the phone I was trying to hand her and she says in an "aww" type voice "Gloria called??" and she takes the phone, looks forward and takes a step then i hear.. pfffffft. She farted. She stops, looks at me and my jaw is dropped, my eyes are big and I'm cracking up and she drops her jaw and her eyes are bigger than mine and she laughs embarassingly so I walk away aboutt o cry, and she goes to the restroom so I start typing up the story and she screams "DON'T YOU BE ON THE COMPUTER TELLING EVERYONE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!!" Half an hour she walks back in and says "Man these refried beans are doing a number on me!"
A few months ago I was talking to my mom in the kitchen, and she opened the fridge door, and all of a sudden i hear her fart, she stands up on her tip toes, puts a hand over her ass, and says "OH MY!"
At my old house in Miami, it was positioned so that my Dad's room was near the fence to the neighbors house. And near the fence was their deck. So I was about 6 and my best friends next door were about 8 and 9. I slept in my dad's room this night and we woke up to Big Dave, Little Dave, and Daniel outside on the deck at about 5 in the morning laughing their asses off. They were screaming and hollering "GOOD ONE!" and laughing more. We heard them say "Watch this!," they'd fall silent, and then "pffffft" would erupt breaking the silence. "PFFFFFFFT!!" every few minutes. They would stand out there and fart, in contest with eachother for the ultimate farter... I think my mom wins.
My mom was talking to me in the computer room and says "Last night I hid everything and locked it away in the car. And hid my keys in my bra. This morning I woke up, my boobs were hurting SO bad, I thought 'Oh my God I'm going to have to go get another mammogram ... something's wrong,' then I took my bra off, and found my keys... 'no wonder they hurt so much!'"
One day in 7th grade, i was sitting in class. We were all assigned a reading assignment but noone wanted to read. So im sitting there, across the room from everyone. I was moved because I'm a distraction to others. Anyway, im over there across the room from everyone and i decide I'll put my leg around my neck. So I start trying. And I'm trying for about half an hour until i finally get it. And i hold my right leg behind my neck and someone says "Put your other leg behind your neck too!" So, with 1 leg already around my neck I go for 2. And as I'm getting my leg close to my neck... I start leaning forward. Then I start leaning sideways...until I'm off balance. And i fall to the right of me...off my chair...and into the garbage can which also fell over with me in it.
When i was little I used to go to church with my next door neighbors. They were my best friends and their family used to sit in the 2nd to back pew. Well, one day we went, and we were sitting where we normally sat, and I turned around and saw this black lady in the pew behind us. I was about 6 and I started crying because I thought racism ended if this black lady was in a white church. When we left, I saw her sleeping. She was a bum using the church for a nap.
When i was about 4, my brother was in the bathroom this one time. And it was only us home. So i was screaming at him "MARK!!! I gotta pee!!!!" and he kept saying "HOLD ON!!!!!" but I couldn't. I was only 4. So after 10 minutes I just turned right there to the corner by the bathroom, and pissed right in the corner. I stood there and waited till my brother came out for some reason, and when he came out he smelled the piss. He cleaned it up.
Back in 8th grade me, Nick, his sister Tati, and her bestfriend Jessy were all sitting outside. We had just smoked so we were blasted, and Nick busts out with "Hey...u wanna see somethin?" and we're stoned so we're like "Yeh" and Nick goes around the back of his grandma's house, takes the little pink bike she owned, and goes racing off...about 5 minutes later Jessy says "Damn where is this nigga?" and we decided we're going in to get some food. Right as we get up we hear the sound of bicycle tires, and here comes Nick, peddling past the house, his ass in the air, as fast as he can, and when he gets about halfway past the house he stands up staight, pushes his ass as forward as possible so now his crouch is sticking out, his head goes flying back so his nose is straight up to the sky, and hits the breaks. We hear screeching tires and we crack up. This was his impression of a car.
Nick and I were fucking stoned off our asses, and we were sitting out infront of his grandmas house, in her little patio chairs. She had bars on her windows so we would lean back in the little chairs, while holding the bars and smoking a cigarette. Well, we were soing that when all of a sudden we hear a loud fog horn. Me and Nick both flip out only About 5 seconds after it happens his legs, (which were hanging above the ground since he was leaning backwards) went straight forward he let go of the bar, flew forwards and his body shook while his eyes were as open as could be. Funniest shit I've ever seen.
Me and my bestfriends, Daniel and David, were walking around our neighborhood when they stop and tell me I'm going to smoke with them. I didn't want to smoke and I told them. I didn't want to do any drugs. Anyway I was pressured into it and I got so stoned off my ass I was walking along with them when I noticed my shoe was untied. I was already lagging behind everyone else, so I decided I could tie my shoe and walk at the same time. Well, as I'm walking and tying my shoe, I start going backwards. I'm still tying my shoe when I hit the ground flat on my back with my knee still bent like im tying my shoe.
Me, Nick, and Guille were going to the VFW down the street from Nick's grandma's house. Anyway, I had my go-ped and Nick and Guille were on Nick's grandma's bike. Guille was peddling and Nick was sitting on the bars. My go-ped was too fast for them to keep up so I turned around to wait for them, They came around the corner while I was still heading for the corner so we passed eachother, and I go to turn around and Nick screams as I'm turning "YO WATCH OUT! MIKE!!!!" I hear a loud screech. I look to my left, and coming down the neighborhood street on the wrong side of the road, way too fast, is this asshole in a van and you know what? BAM! I get whacked right on my left hip by this asshole. I go flying off my go-ped and it's all slow-mo now. I'm thinking "hey this is awesome! I'm flying!" but all of a sudden it's extra fast and I see the street right in my face blurring by, feel a hit on my right hip, and feel my elbows hit the street. I get up and have a bruise from the carr on my left hip, a bruise from landing on my right hip, and the jerk says "Are you ok?!" ASSHOLE you just hit me and you're asking if I'm ok!!!! But, I was. And I went off. I then tried to jump a pothole that day and i fell. Nick said I couldn't ride my go-ped anymore. So, a few hours later I was on the bike and you know how the side walk goes down and then back up, when there's a drive way? Well, i took the bike down the little dip, and when I was coming up I did a trick, only I did it too hard... the bike flew forward, without me. I ended up on the sidewalk. I had to walk the rest of the night.
In Miami, every year, during february The Fair comes to town. And this is a huge fair. Well, when i was little, about 7, I was mad at my dad because he always took me every year... except this one. Tonight was the last night the fair was in town and I hadn't gone this year. Well, I got my mom to bitch at him, and he took me. We were in line for the biggest rollercoaster they have there. There were these 2 fine young chickies infront of us. My dad kept trying to look cool and young... Someone farted and me and my dad smelt it. He grabbed me and started talking with his teeth clenches blaming me. The chicks kept looking at my dad like he was doing it but he kept blaming me. I did fart a few times, but not all of the smelly ones. Anyway, the young girls finally left because of the smell and when they left they gave my dad a dirty look because they thought he was the farter.
Every year, during the Christmas season, Santa's Enchanted Forest comes to town. Well, that's like the fair only a little less rides and more food, games, and shows. Me, Nick, his little brother Kenny, and their mom Jenny, all went to Santas. Me, Nick, and Kenny took off and we stopped by one of the dunking booths where the clown was making fun of everyone. And that shit was hilarious, but when ghetto Nick decided to throw some balls the clown says "WHOA! look at the fro on that kid!" and me and Kenny cracked up. Then, it made Nick smile, and he just got his brand new gold teeth so the clown sees Nick's gold teeth and says "OHH c'mon kid! You and yo kmart golds!"
Back in 5th grade I changed schools for this magnet program at my new school, F.S. Tucker elementary. Well, I found out this new school... it had less than 1% "other," which includes asians and whites. So anyway I'm there and it's our last day. We're all dressed up and this annoying kid Orpheus... his hair wasn't combed right so the teacher called Ms. Venus the security guard. She was hilarious. Anyway she comes in and starts saying all this black stuff I don't know what it means... She's talking about peeves... Well...I find out black people have different hair than white people and they have little balls on their scalp called peaves or some shit like that. Anyway, Ms. Venus comes in saying to Orpheus "Comb yo hair boy!" and Orpheus combs it and she goes "NO NO NO! You gots ta coooomb yo hair boy, don't just rake it! Comb them peeves boy! COMB THEM PEEVES! DONT RAKE YA HAIR! COMB IT!!! GET THEM PEEVES!" and my white self is sitting there thinking "what the fuck are peas?" and she kept this on for about 5 minutes infront of the whole class screaming about his peeves until she finally took the comb and started cooombing his peeves. Orpheus screamed because i guess she combed too hard but when she was done she said "THAT'S HOW YOU COMB DEM PEEVES! DON'T JUST RAKE YA HAIR! GET DOWN N COOOMB DEM PEEVES!"
About 2 years ago, it was like...12a.m. my uncle Ed, my cousin LuJo, her son, Stephen, and myself were all driving up to Tallahassee. Stephen was 4 back then, and i had a watch with adjustable sounds for the alarm. One is a chirp, another is a beep, and the last is a crowing rooster. Well, I started messing with my watch so everytime I hit the button the chicken crowed and Stephen's eyes would get big as hell and he'd look at me and go "WHAT'S THAT?!" and then he'd look around in the car... So, I started having fun with him going "They're coming for you! watch out!" and I pressed the chicken button a bunch of times and he stuck his legs straight infront of him so they didn't touch the floor, his arms started flailing everywhere, and he started screaming until finally his mom turned around and goes "WHAT?!" and he says "THE THE THE!!" and LuJo says "WHAT?! SPEAK CHILD, SPEAK!" and he goes "THE COCKADOODOODOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" and LuJo cracked up, slapped my knee and told me not to be so mean... he thought the chickens were coming after him.
