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--The older you get, the better you get�unless you�re a banana.
--You have a chance with me�then you wake up.
--Ginger Ale�a drink that tastes the way your foot feels when it�s asleep.
--It�s strange how you can hear a rattle in your car but not in your head.
--1: I can�t see through my eyelids.
2: Open them.
--If you fall once, I�ll help you up. But if you fall again, you�re just going to have to wait until I�m done laughing.
--Last week I helped my friend stay put. It was a lot easier than helping him move.
--Common sense is not so common.
--If he was any smarter, he�d realize how stupid he really was.
--If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
--Joey can�t go skinny-dipping. He�s too fat. He has to go fat dipping. �Crystal
--1: You�re not going to hit me with that, are you?
2: I�d like to, but I see three of you and I�m not sure which one to hit.
--I have to step in here �cause your head�s going to explode and I don�t want it getting on my shirt.
--I�m sorry, if you were right, I�d agree with you.
--I had a little monkey, I sent him to the country, and I fed him on gingerbread. Along came a choo-choo and knocked my monkey coo-coo. And now my monkey�s dead.
--Drive slow and enjoy the scenery�Drive fast and become the scenery.
--Popularity is kind of like Tupperware�cheap plastic sold at parties.
--It�s not the fall that kills you, it�s the sudden stop at the end.
--Why are they called buildings when they�ve already finished? Shouldn�t they be called builts?
--What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
--So drunk you�re at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.
--I have great faith in fools�self-confidence my friends call it.
--Someday we�ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
--You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
--We�re not laughing at you, we�re laughing near you.
--So, uh, when�s that wizard getting back to you about that brain?
--Why is it that day breaks and night falls?
--Daylight savings time? Why are they saving it, and where do they keep it? And could I get a little back?
--1: What�s your worst fear?
2: Getting shot.
1: Where?
2: Inglewood.
1: Not that kind of where.
--I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.
--I grow carnations, and when they bloom each spring, I call it reincarnation.
--Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you�re a mile away and you have their shoes.
--Nine out of ten things in my life are ironic. The tenth probably is too, I�m just missing the joke.
--I�m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
--1: He had a thing for me.
2: Yeah, a restraining order.
--I�m just going to go far away, and be�away.
--You know my quote about people not being born right? Well, I found more people. �Crystal
--I�ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
--I�ve made a fist and I�m thinking of using it.
--I�m not a complete moron, some parts are missing.
--If you want him to fall head over heels, give him something to trip over.
--There are three types of people in this world: one type learns from books. One type learns for observation. And one type has to urinate on the electric fence himself.
--The buddy system is essential to your survival, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
--Whenever you think something sounds easy, it turns out there�s a part you didn�t hear.
--I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they�d never expect it.
--I just got lost in thought�it was unfamiliar territory.
--As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, �Relax�you�re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.� But another voice kept reminding me, �Howard, you�re a veterinarian.�
--Tonight�s weather: dark with continued darkness until dawn.
--If at first you do succeed, try not to show your astonishment.
--I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There�s a know called brightness but it doesn�t work.
--In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little further apart than most.
--If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn�t come back, hunt it down and kill it.
--I have a feeling when my ship comes in, I�ll be at the airport.
--We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
--I met this guy who wanted to have a long distance relationship�he told me to go to hell.
--It is as bad as you think it is and they are out to get you.
--Your village called. Their idiot is missing.
--Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
--I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to do and somehow they always manage to say, �Kill.� No, wait, that�s the toaster.
--You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they give in.
--I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough he might become disturbed.
--Of course it made a sound, it was a tree.
--Life is short if you die early.
--Don�t teach pigs to dance. It wastes your time and annoys the pigs.
--A lot of people say they have skeletons in their closets. That makes me feel better, since I know that I�m not the only one who hides their victims there.
--I�m not a tease, I�m just a reminder of what you can�t have.
--You can push a person anywhere, except through a door that says pull.
--Of all the people I know, you�re one of them.
--Don�t follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.
--If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn�t jump after them, I would stand at the top and yell down, �You�re all stupid!�
--Our lives change with every breath we take. With all the change in my life lately, maybe I should stop breathing. �Crystal
--If you were a hot dog and you were starving, would you eat yourself? �Chris Farley
--Isn�t everything within walking distance if you have the time?
--You�off my planet!
--I live in my own little world, but it�s okay, they know me here.
--A true friend isn�t the one bailing you out of jail, they�re the one sitting next to you saying, �Man, that was cool!�
--I didn�t say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
--My life has a superb cast, but I can�t figure out the plot.
--You know what would be great? If you figured out what infinity equaled, then you�d be famous. Until some idiot came along and added one.
--Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone has mistaken me for Noah.
--Don�t worry about the world coming to an end today. It�s already tomorrow in Australia.
--Life is like a game of Tetris�you always screw up at the wrong time.
--Just remember if the world didn�t suck, we�d all fall off.
--We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.
--I get my exercise by jumping to conclusions, skipping responsibilities, running late, and pushing my luck.
--I must admit you brought religion into my life�I never believed in hell until I met you.
--Well, when I�m with a guy, it�s hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds and then I have to go away.
--There are there things that can never be hidden�love, a mountain, and one riding a camel.
--Don�t walk behind me, it give me the creeps. Don�t walk beside me, for you are not my equal. Walk in front of me so I can push you down the stairs.
--Be optimistic�all the people you hate now are eventually going to die.
--If I wanted to play games, I would have bought Monopoly.
--Sometimes I think guys should wear condoms on their heads. Hell, if they�re going to act like dicks, they might as well dress like them too.
--The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
--If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
--Have you ever imagined a world without any hypothetical situations?
--Never let your man�s mind wander�it�s too little to be let out alone.
--If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
--A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.
--Want to know what bugs me? When I�m watching a movie and someone says, �Did you just see that?� It�s like, �No, I paid $8.50 to come here and stare at the friggin� ceiling.�
--Life is a free circus, all you have to do is pay attention.
--Guys are like handbags. When you go out you need the dress, you need the shoes, but do you really need the bag? It looks nice, it�s useful, but do you really need it?
--I talk to myself because I�m the only one who will listen and understand.
--When you�re holding all the cards why does everyone turn out to be playing chess?
--Thank you, we�re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
--I see you�ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
--I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
--Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers.
--You couldn�t get a clue during the clue-mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue-mating dance.
--If I was in a room with you and two werewolves and I had a gun with two silver bullets, I�d shoot you�twice.
--A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it�s a waste of a deposit slip and it really pisses off the tellers.
--Why are you here and what can I do to change that?
--Mirrors can�t talk and lucky for you, they don�t laugh either.
--What did one saggy boob say to the other? If we don�t get support son, people are going to think we�re nuts.
--Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
--Due to the lack of interest, tomorrow had be cancelled.
--Some people hear voices in their heads�I hear mimes.
--A man is like a slinky�not really good for much, but you can�t help smiling when you see one falling down the stairs.
--Hey, I don�t know if you�re aware, but there are these two things you can put together and use everyday to make people around you smile. They�re called soap and water.
--If I was ten times smarter than you, I�d be a moron.
--Earth is full. Go home.
--It�s not called showing off. It�s called you being mad because you can�t do it.
--Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, �Is life a multiple choice test or a true or false test?� Then a voice comes to me out of the dark and says, �We hate to tell you but life is a 1000 word essay.�
--Cats aren�t clean, they�re just covered in cat spit.
--Did you hear what happened to my last boyfriend? No? Oh, good, that means they never found the body.
--I can�t think of an insult stupid enough for you.
--It�s only a game until you lose.
--Here we are at the 21st century, but where�s the world of the future we were always told about? Where are the flying cars? Where are the robots doing our housework? Where are the people zipping around in jetpacks? I�m sorry, but clapping my lights on and off doesn�t cut it.
--I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they�re always locking three.
--I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
--The sooner you fall behind, the more time you�ll have to catch up.
--Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
--I�d insult you but you�re not bright enough to notice.
--Whoever said �nothing�s impossible� obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
--First rule of leadership: everything is your fault.
--There is no pleasure in having nothing to do. The fun is having lots to do and not doing it.
--I believe you should live each day as if it�s your last. That�s why I don�t have any clean laundry, because come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Everybody is born with a spark of craziness, unfortunately mine caught fire.
--I�m not here right now and I regret to say that due to unforeseen circumstances, later has been cancelled.
--When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
--Heaven doesn�t want me and hell�s afraid I�ll take over.
--How about never? Is never good for you?
--My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
--I�ll try to be more sensitive to the fact that you�re dumber than me.
--We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
--I have many faults, but being wrong isn�t one of them.
--Blind people don�t bungee jump. It scares the dog too much.
--I used to think the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
--I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks, �Are you reading that?� I didn�t know what to say, so I said yes, stood up, turned the page, and sat back down.
--The closest you�ll ever come to a brainstorm is a drizzle.
--I�m not nuts, I�m condiments, I�ve been promoted.
--Give a man a match and he�ll be warm for an hour. Light him on fire and he�ll be warm for the rest of his life.
--If you�re here, who�s running hell?
--Don't fight with stupid people. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.