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--Mr. Right is coming. But he�s in France and he�s walking.
--Don�t pee on my leg and tell me it�s raining.
--Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
--I�m not psycho, just temporarily insane.
--Well, I�ve known you forever; we complete each other�s thoughts. Ain�t like we never got in trouble, it�s just we never got caught.
--What is an angel but a ghost in drag?
--I may be schizophrenic but at least I�ll always have each other.
--If you can�t say something nice about somebody, you�re probably not alone.
--No one ever plans to go to Denny�s; you just end up there. �David Spade
--Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
--Do you need a silencer if you�re going to shoot a mime?
--How come wrong numbers are never busy?
--How do you know when you�ve run out of invisible ink?
--If a candle factory burns down, does everybody just stand around and sing Happy Birthday?
--If a fly had no wings would you call him a walk?
--If a turtle doesn�t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
--If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?
--If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
--If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
--If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
--When you erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
--Where does your lap go when you stand up?
--Why aren�t there ever any guilty bystanders?
--You can�t trip a dog�too many legs.
--That�s the way I spelled it when I said it.
--Someday we�ll look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.
--They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
--Baby, you�re about as real as a three-dollar bill.
--There�s a razor thin line between sanity and insanity. Sometimes you don�t know you�ve crossed it until the voices tell you.
--Why does it always rain cats and dogs, but never guys?
--I�m busy, you�re ugly, have a nice day.
--My pregnancy test told me to be positive.
--I have replaced my toes with grapes.
--There are easier things in life than finding the perfect guy�like nailing Jell-O to a tree for example.
--I intend on living forever�so far so good.
--There are three kinds of people nobody understands: geniuses, madmen, and guys that mumble.
--Don�t worry about life, I guarantee you won�t survive it.
--There are some very special people on Earth, you�re just not one of them.
--Madness takes its toll�next bridge $5.
--Let me walk you to your grave�I mean, your car.
--I�m past the phase where I want to kill myself. Now I just want to kill everyone else.
--Fight crime�Shoot back.
--Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.
--Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
--When everything is coming your way, you�re in the wrong lane.
--On the other hand, you have other fingers.
--In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
--If at first you don�t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
--There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those you can�t.
--Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
--That�s not a name, that�s a bad Scrabble hand.
--My reality check bounced.
--Some people love you then they hate you, others hate you then they love you, either way you�re screwed.
--Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, �Where the heck is the ceiling?�
--I don�t get even, I get odder.
--A day without sunshine is like night.
--The secret to flying lays in being able to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
--I ran into my ex-boyfriend the other day, then I backed up and ran into him again. I miss him sometimes.
--Just because they call you paranoid doesn�t mean you�re not being followed.
--You�re only a figment of my imagination.
--I believe everyone has a photographic imagination, some just don�t have film.
--Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
--Have you been licking the microwave?
--Wait, I just remembered something. You�re boring and my legs work.
--Sex is like air, it�s only important when you aren�t getting any.
--If only there was a button somewhere I could push to make me stop talking.
--You know how sometimes the last sentence you say echoes in your brain and it just keeps sounding stupider, and you have to say something else just to make it stop.
--This life is a test! If this was a real life, you would�ve received instructions.
--You mean gullible isn�t in the dictionary?
--If we are what we eat, then I�m cheap, fast and easy.
--Fingers like mittens better because then they don�t get lonely.
--It�s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, then it�s just fun.
--If life was a sitcom, I�d be cancelled in a week.
--I found out why animals drink out of the toilet. My mom told me it�s because it�s cold in there, and I�m like, �How did my mom know that?�
--I�ve had it with reality, I want a fairy godmother.
--From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere. �Dr. Seuss
--It�s not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
--I had an IQ test, the results came back negative.
--I know! I�ll transcribe the conversations between the voices in my head and send it to you.
--If at first you don�t succeed, forget skydiving.
--Learn from your parents�use birth control.
--I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy ever minute of it.
--Sometimes I wonder if the whole world is out to get me, and then I realize, hey, they can�t be after me, they�re after YOU.
--I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming in his car like my grandma.
--A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
--What comes around goes around, so DUCK!
--If you can�t convince them, confuse them.
--If life made sense, we�d all be bored.
--Don�t worry what other people say about you because it can�t be as bad as what you think about them.
--I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I�d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
--Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next to me went nuts.
--One of the advantages of being disorderly is one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
--I�m in a weird mood, which I guess for me would be normal.
--If you eat one chicken for lunch and another for dinner, do you wonder if they ever knew each other?
--Some people just aren�t born right. �Crystal
--My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, �Mom, they weren�t trying to teach you to swim.�
--In Elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
--I had a linguistics professor who said that it�s man�s ability to use language that makes us the dominant species on the planet. That may be but I think there�s one other thing that separates us from animals: we aren�t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
--Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that�s how dogs spend their lives.
--Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you�ve got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn�t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
--Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: �This looks much better on.� On what? On fire?
--Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
--You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She�s 97 today and we don�t know where she is.
--Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do�write to these men? Why don�t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps, so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
--1: I didn�t tell you to do that!
2: Yeah, but you sound a lot like the guy in my head.
--Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence
--In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.
--�Doing what men do normally�bonding, endlessly congratulating each other and wondering around in small groups looking for something to break. �Robin Williams
--Paper can kill�if it�s thrown hard enough�sometimes.
--If you�re given an open book exam, you�ll forget your book. Corollary: If you�re given a take home exam, you�ll forget where you live.
--A synonym is a word is what you use when you can�t spell the word you first thought of.
--I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words.
--So many pedestrians, so little time.
--I�ve worn skirts with higher IQ�s than you.
--Ignore them like the brain fairy did.
--Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask, �where have I gone wrong?� Then a voice says to me, �this is going to take more than one night.�
--God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things, right now, I�m so far behind I will never die.
--There is nothing more annoying than to have someone go right on talking when you�re interrupting.
--I used to have an open mind, but my brain kept falling out.
--I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
--Dude, I know that dude! �Me
--You know, one of these days, you�re going to wake up in a coma.
--I didn�t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
--I don�t know about being crazy, but my pile of clay eyebrows is getting larger every day.
--I wonder if jellyfish like peanut butter.
--Nothing�s wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn�t change.
--You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
--It�s better to leave the room than make an explanation when something doesn�t work.
--Tell the truth and you won�t have so much to remember.
--Nobody ever puts out a sign that says �nice dog.�
--An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.
--If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply�they�re going to stop making it.
--God must like stupid people, he made so many of them.
--When in doubt, mumble.
--All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
--If you don�t know who�s to blame, you are.
--Put a little money away each month and at the end of the year you�ll be surprised how little you have.
--If you have to tell people you�re famous�you�re not.
--Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially when people are looking.
--Some people have the personality of a stop sign.
--It is always possible that someday two and two may turn out not to be four.
--Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn�t mean I went to a wedding. I got in a fight with a Chinese man.
--If I was any clearer, I�d be a window. �Crystal
--I�m not slow, the world�s just a bit too fast.
--Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.
--1: It�s not different, is it?
2: Not unless different means the same.
--Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren�t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
--I just got skylights in my place. The people above me are furious.
--When you knock your head against a vase and it sounds empty, don�t automatically conclude that the vase is empty.
--You�re a sandwich sort of a picnic.
--I�m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
--Jesus loves you but everyone else things you�re an asshole.
--Don�t piss me off, I�m running out of places to hide the bodies.
--Jesus is coming! Look busy!
--Save your breath, you�ll need it to blow up your date.
--Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
--I�m going out of my mind, wherever it is.
--My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely, sometimes it�s gone for days and I have to call the police to find it.
--The only book in your house came from the phone company.
--I�m not prejudice, I hate all people the same.
--You can�t have everything�where would you put it?
--It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.
--Condoms aren�t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.
--My life�s rapidly becoming the punch line for a seriously disturbed joke.
--Always keep a strong grasp on reality, that way you can strangle it at any given time.
--As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. �This is the fourth coat crushing this year,� said the Sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
--I�m not your type. I�m not inflatable.
--You never really grow up, you just learn how to act in public.
--Blame someone else and get on with your life.
--The problem with reality is there�s no background music.
--I�d explain it to you but your brain would explode.
--The more you think about things, the weirder they seem.
--Kind of makes you want to sit on the guy�s roof with a dart gun and shoot him as he walks out of the house, doesn�t it?
--Jess: (talking about getting signals from guys liking them) Are you getting any signals?
Crystal: Yeah, turn signals.
--You spend your whole life thinking you�re on the right track only to discover you�re on the wrong train.
--That�s between you, me, and Fred the invisible dancing monkey.
--Avoid anything that would make you a subject of a talk show.
--You know when you�re reading a book and falling asleep�you�re reading, reading and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I�m like that all the time.
--When I�m not in my right mind, my left mind gets kind of crowded.
--Never knock on death�s door. Ring the doorbell and run�he hates that.
--Pretend we are angels, each with only one wing�whoa, wait, we�d be screwed.
--I�m so far behind, I�m first.
--You said you had pairs, I pictured you holding pears. �Crystal
--No, the other kind of �don�t move anything.�