(Jesus and Satan are sitting next to each other, in front of a mural depicting scenes of heaven and hell, and behind a large desk.)
Jesus:
Welcome all, yes, even the meek (points to the camera), and you know who you are, to the Jesus and Satan Show.
(Clapping)
Jesus (motioning to the audience):
This is where you can get all those (abruptly interrupted by Satan). . .
Satan:
Burning questions answered. You know, the ones you didn�t dare ask your Sunday school teacher.
Jesus:
We will also have celebrity guests, so that we might get to know them better, and have a little fun with them.
Satan:
I would just like to be on record as saying that since I�m older, God�s first son, I think it should be called the Satan and Jesus Show, but we all know who God�s favorite is. (Looks at the camera knowingly.)
Jesus:
Yes we do. I would like to take this opportunity to say that the name of the show was determined by a coin toss.
Satan:
Sure, but can you honestly say that God didn�t have a hand in the outcome of that toss?
Jesus:
You know I can�t lie. All things are God�s will, so. . . moving right along. . .
Satan:
We have a hot show for you this evening. Our first guest hails from the deepest level of hell, has been blamed for one of the worst atrocities against humanity, and was haunted by the memory of that atrocity for the rest of his life. (leans forward) And, will be for all eternity, I can assure you.
Jesus (clapping):
Let�s give it up for Stanley Kubrick everyone!
(Clapping starts with Jesus, then stops when the name is said. Out walks Stanley up to the table.)
Jesus:
I would like to remind the audience that when I said I give it up, I meant clap. Doesn�t anyone listen to me?
Satan:
Brother, I don�t think they listened to word you said in the whole New Testament!
Jesus:
True enough.
Satan:
So. . . the fans are still really pissed about your last movie. You should have heard the things they were saying about it around the lava heater.
Stanley (now sitting at the table):
I know, I know. . . I can hear them now. In fact, that is all I hear, and all that I�m going to hear about for all eternity! Can�t you help me Jesus?
Jesus:
Sorry Stanley, I saw your movie. I�m with my brother on this one. It may have been the guilt that killed you, but the rest of us have to live with the memory of that movie for the rest of eternity.
Stanley:
I didn�t know I was committing an atrocity against humanity. Why didn�t God stop me? Send me an angel or something?
Jesus:
That�s not the business he�s in. Your movie fits into his grand �plan� somehow.
Stanley:
If I was just fulfilling God�s plan for me, why did I get sent to hell?
Satan:
That argument didn�t work for me, (pause) and I�m his oldest son. Besides Stanley, he saw your movie. Your lucky he didn�t smite your whole family.
Stanley (face in hands):
Is there no hope for me?
Satan:
Yes Stanley, there�s hope for you. I think you can earn your way out of hell. I think if apologize to all these nice people Jesus might reconsider.
Stanley:
Really?
Satan:
What can it hurt?
Stanley:
I�m really really sorry for making that movie. I know that I picked a lousy cast and the story just didn�t make sense, even to me. I can�t believe I made, and I just want you to know, that I�m sorry and that I hope you can forgive me.
(Audience yells GO TO HELL)
Stanley:
Jesus, can I go to heaven now?
(Jesus and Satan laugh maniacally, then suddenly stop.)
Both answer:
No.
Jesus:
Thanks for coming. Stanley Kubrick everyone!
(Audience starts clapping as a demon walks out to retreave him. Stanley looks franticly around.)
Stanley:
Don�t make me go! They say terrible things about me! I was Director of the Year 1971! I was Director of the Year!
Jesus (chuckling):
Some guests just hate to leave. But, I�m afraid your time with us up. Maybe we�ll have you back on the show some time.
Stanley (being pulled off set by a demon):
Really?
Jesus (Laughing maniacally, then stopping suddenly):
No.
Jesus:
Our next guest is one of my most devoted fans, and most graciously was willing to take a little time away from heaven to be here with us today.
Satan:
Let�s give one hell of a warm welcome to Thomas de Torquemada!
(Clapping)
Torquemada:
Thank you for inviting me. Jesus, you know I�ll always be there for you.
Jesus (seriously):
Don�t take my name in vain.
Torquemada (looking worried):
You know I would never. I think its fair to say, I�m your #1 fan.
Jesus:
Are you talking back to me? And, I think you should use a little humility. (pause) I�m just messing with you man!
Satan:
Actually, Jesus and I played a little trick on you back in the day. (pause)
(Torquemada looks from Satan to Jesus, Jesus smiles, and then looks back to Satan.)
Satan:
Yeah, all those times you thought you were talking to Jesus, it was actually me!
(Torquemada starts to fidget, looking really nervous.)
Satan:
I guess, in a way, you were like really my #1 fan!
(Both Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically.)
Torquemada:
This can�t be true. Jesus, say it�s not so.
Jesus (Parroting him):
It�s not so.
Torquemada:
Why you mock me this way? I devoted my entire life to you! I did everything I was asked, no matter how awful!
Jesus:
I know. Wasn�t it great! You totally did everything you were told, no matter how awful!
Satan:
You never even questioned it. All those people you tortured, often to death. All those screams, all that blood, all that gore.
(Torquemada sobs into his hands.)
Jesus:
Thomas, we�re just messing with you. I was telling the truth when I said it wasn�t so. We are just messing with you. It was really me that whole time telling you to do those things.
Satan:
Yeah, I could never have come up with all the really twisted stuff my Brother here can. Did you know that crucifixion was actually his idea? Seriously, he came up with that! I was like, DUDE!, that is some messed up stuff right there, and he said, I know, don�t you just love it! Of course you know I did (nodding to Jesus).
Jesus:
Yeah, God wanted me to make it big and memorable. I hate letting the big guy down. Really, I would hate it, if It were even possible for me to let him down.
Satan:
I know, I know, you can do NO wrong, as far as he�s concerned. (Rolls his eyes)
Jesus:
Well, its not like you didn�t try. Always trying to tempt me like that. Jeez.
Torquemada:
You were making fun of me just then? You were making fun of me?
Jesus:
Yeah, like, don�t get your dress in a bunch.
Torquemada:
I hate you! No body makes fun of Thomas de Torquemada, The Hammer of the Heretics! (Reaches for Jesus across the table, but an Angel puts a hand on him and makes him sit back down.)
Jesus:
OH MY! I do believe that is blasphemy against God. You know what we do with blasphemers?
Torquemada (holding his hand over his mouth):
Yes.
Satan:
Right on! I guess your coming home with me after the show. I know just the spot for you, you�re going to love it. Oh yeah, and there are few people that have been looking forward to an opportunity to reacquaint themselves with you.
Torquemada:
Jesus, I�m sorry. I didn�t mean it! I repent, I repent. Please, forgive me.
Jesus:
I forgive you.
Torquemada:
Really? I can come back to heaven with you?
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.)
Both together:
No.
(Torquemada breaks into weaping.)
Satan:
We are just messing with you dude, you can go back to heaven.
(Torquemada looks up smiling with his arms out to Jesus)
Torquemada:
Really?
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.)
Both together:
No.
Jesus:
This just never gets old. Trust me, you�re going to hell. Satan can�t help but lie all the time.
Satan:
They don�t me the Great Deceiver for nothing.
Jesus:
That�s very true. But, we are running out of time.
Torquemada (weeping and crying out as a demon drags him out):
NO! I lived for you! I love you!
Jesus:
Yeah, but he who blasphemes against the holy ghost, blah, blah, blah. . . rules are rules, my hands are tied on this one!
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically.)
Jesus (out of breath):
Wow, he was great. We should have him back on the show sometime.
Satan:
Yeah, what a sport. Too bad about that blasphemy clause. I get so many souls that way. You really should thank Dad for me, next time you see him.
Jesus:
Sure thing! OK, OK, next up we have a real treat.
Satan:
Oh yeah?
Jesus:
Yeah! Next we are going to get a fresh perspective on one of histories worst periods.
Satan:
The 70�s?
Jesus:
No.
Satan:
The Bush Jr administration?
Jesus:
No man, but those were certainly bad. I�m talking about the holocaust of World War 2.
Satan:
Which holocaust? The one in Europe, Russion, China, or South East Asia?
Jesus:
Golly, I forgot there were so many. I guess that is because no one really talks about all the others. Why don�t you just introduce our guests since they are both coming from your neck of the afterlife. I�m sure our audience will be able to figure it out.
Satan:
Let�s give a devil of a welcome to Ann Frank and Adolf Hitler!
(Clapping and angry Shouts)
Jesus:
Wow Ann, that�s a rough crowd. My fan club is here tonight.
(Ann and Adolf sit down. Ann looks around uncertainly and looks at Jesus.)
Ann:
I think they were yelling at this monster sitting next to me.
Jesus:
No, Those were die-hard Jesus fans in the front row.
(Pan to 5 guys, each has a letter painted on his chest that spells J E S U S.)
Hitler:
Thank you for having me. I have really wanted a chance to explain myself. Does this mean I spent enough time in hell and that I can come out now?
Satan:
Yeah, you spent enough time in hell for doing God�s work.
Hitler:
Really?
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.)
Both together:
No.
Jesus:
So Ann, you had a bit of a rough time with this guy. Now that you have a chance, what would you like to say to him?
Ann:
Adolf, I want to tell you that I forgive you.
Adolf:
I don�t want your forgiveness. You didn�t believe in Jesus as your Lord and personal savior. I�m only sorry that I lost the war!
Ann:
That�s ok, I forgive you anyway.
Jesus:
That is so touching, and so boring! Ann, can�t you at least take one swing at him? A little brawl maybe?
Ann:
It�s how I feel. And, it�s what I always said I would tell him if I ever had the chance.
Satan:
Well Ann, don�t you think it�s a little late to try to earn your way in to heaven? I mean, you never did accept my brother here as your lord and personal savior.
Ann:
I�m not forgiving Adolf to try to get something out of it. I truly forgive him.
Satan:
Well, that is awfully saintly of you. Kind of grosses me out, really.
Jesus:
Yeah, at least Adolf here accepted me as his Lord and Personal Savior.
Adolf:
What?
Jesus:
Yeah, you remember, right? That time, back when, at that place, with those people.
(Jesus winks at Adolf.)
Adolf:
Ummm. . . oh yeah.
Satan:
Don�t worry Ann, I think you�re a great person. God should have really done you better, but rules are rules.
Adolf:
I know why she got sent to hell, but why did I then?
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.)
Both together:
Your kidding right?
(Jesus and Satan look at each other then to Adolf, then laugh hysterically again, then suddenly stop.)
Jesus:
So Ann, now that you know I�m real, would you accept me as your Lord and personal savior?
Ann:
I don�t see what difference it would make, since I�m already in Hell.
Jesus:
So, it couldn�t really hurt then, right? What do you have to loose?
Ann:
You have a point there. But still, your followers have been persecuting my people for almost 1700 years. We kind of have issues with you, you know.
Jesus:
Yeah, well. . . (looking sheepish) I did tell then to be kind and love their enemy as they loved themselves and all that, but you know how things get out of hand when your not around to keep order.
(Everyone looks at Adolf.)
Adolf:
What?
Ann:
I see your point. Ok then, I�ll do it.
(Ann gets down on the floor and bows before Jesus.)
Ann:
I accept you into my heart as my Lord and personal savior.
(Satan hands money over to Jesus)
Satan:
Damn it, this show is going to be a wash for me. I think you knew all along that she would convert.
(Sound of a dove cooing from off camera.)
Jesus:
Let�s just say a little bird told me. Congratulations Ann, now you shall get the Kingdom of Heaven!
Ann:
Really?
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.)
Satan:
No.
(Ann starts weaping.)
Jesus:
No, he�s just messing with you, you�re in.
(Ann looks up hopeful from Satan to Jesus.)
Ann:
Really?
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.)
Satan:
No. He�s messing with you. You�re still coming home with me.
(Ann starts crying uncontrollably.)
Jesus:
This just never gets old. Ann, we�re messing with you. You are really in. You really do get the all expense paid trip to Heaven. You�re coming home with me.
Adolf:
What about me?
(Adolf jumps up and falls to the floor and bows before Jesus and repeats Ann�s words.)
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.)
Jesus:
You have to be kidding me?!?
Adolf:
Can I go to heaven now?
Satan:
Curse you, yes you get to go to Heaven now!
Adolf:
Really?
(Jesus and Satan laugh hysterically, then suddenly stop.)
Both together:
No.
Jesus:
Dude, we have something better in mind for you. We are going to make watch Stanley�s last movie for eternity.
Adolf:
NO!
(A demon comes out and pulls Adolf off.)
Jesus:
Ann, you have been a great sport and you pleased me. (Says on the sly) and you made me a little money. The Kingdom of Heaven awaits.
(Ann is escorted out by an Angel.)
Satan:
Now, it�s time for the questions the audience wrote in to us.
Jesus:
And remember, they are your questions.
Satan:
Ok, our first letter. Little Timmy from Pohdunk, New Nowhere, wrote in to ask, �Why did God take Grandma?� I would like to start by saying that God didn�t take your Grandma, I did, well, really it was the booze, I just ended up with her. (Pause) What a nag.
Jesus:
Our next letter was sent in by Mrs. Sarah Voucher from Cromwell, South Turdukin. Sarah writes to ask, �Are all sins considered the same, or are they on a rating system?�
Satan:
I would like to field this one, if I may.
Jesus:
Sure, go for it!
Satan:
They are definitely not all created equal, but some of the smaller ones can sure add up. You would be surprised what a lifetime of nagging will get you!
(Satan chuckles)
Satan:
Isn�t that right, Grandma (Says under his breath)? But seriously, you should really see what some of these housewives get for nagging, OH MY GOD.
Jesus:
No one likes a nag! Especially God.
Satan:
There is only one sin that gets you sent to hell, the rest kind of have to add up, kind of like the Karmic system. I guess Torquemada showed us what that one sin is. (winks)
Jesus:
Yeah, that�s a biggy. The rest, we can work with. We have community service projects in Heaven to help people work off some of the smaller offenses. How did you think Torquemada got up there.
Satan:
Yeah, I know that God throw in a couple of those Ten Commandments as jokes. I tell you, people so worked up when I tell them that.
Jesus:
I know, but hey, he did make them commandments. That whole adultery thing, we laugh so hard about that. I mean, I have some wives, it would just be a sin not to sleep with. Thankfully Dad looks the other way on that one.
Satan:
Yeah, the Mormons are right on with the whole polygamy thing. God doesn�t care who or what or how many you marry.
Jesus:
Too bad about the suicide issue. I mean, Heaven is really filling up with Muslim martyrs. And to think, he really is giving them 70 virgins. That is, after they work off the sin taking out all those bomb victims. But still, you would think that would get you a ticket to the hot house, but NO. Just don�t let the word get out that you can just suicide your way to Heaven. We don�t have the housing for the whole world just yet. People would be packed into Heaven like sardines.
Satan:
I know, I feel robbed. Damn you God! (chuckles)
Jesus:
Anyway, That�s all we have for this show. Keep those letters and prayers coming. Just because we don�t answer them all doesn�t mean we don�t read or hear them. We probably just aren�t going to answer them. After all, most of you are just stupid sheep.
(Audience laughs.)
Satan:
Yeah, and I�d like to give a shoutout to my followers, YOU GUYS ROCK! SEE YOU IN HELL! Next time on our show we are going to have a special guest.
Jesus:
Yeah?
Satan:
Yeah, Dick Cheney will be joining us!
Jesus:
Really? I didn�t know he was dead.
Satan (whispering and pointing to his chest):
Bum ticker. (pause)
Satan (puts one finger over his lips):
Shhhhh. . .
(Jesus smiles and nods.)
Jesus and Satan together:
Thanks all, thanks for coming!
