Lord of the Umbrellas: The Fellowship of the Umbrella

A parody by Misty

 

[black screen]

 

Brian (V.O)

The world is changed.

I feel it in the waters.

I feel it in the earth.

I smell it in the air.

Much that once was is lost. For few now live who remember it.

 

[the words 'The Lord of the Umbrellas' appear in gold lettering on the screen. The screen fades to black, then a fire comes onto the screen. A pair of scissors are seen, slicing black fabric.]

 

It began with the purchase of the Great Umbrellas.

 

[Three Elf hands are seen, each holding one of the elven Umbrellas. We see the Elves looking at the handles.]

Three were given to the Elves: immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings.

 

Seven to the vertically challenged: very short and often obnoxious people.

[we see short people take their umbrellas]

 

And nine. Nine umbrellas were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power.

[the Men are seen with their umbrellas]

 

For within these umbrellas was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived.

[We see a map of Crunksville and the area surrounding it, which darkens as the screen blacks out.]

 

For another Umbrella was bought…

[Map is shown again, this time showing Raejaeville.]

 

In the land of Raejaeville, in the clearance section of the Wal-mart of DOOOOM, the 11-Year-Old-Brat Raejae bought in secret a master Umbrella to control all others.

[We see the Wal-mart of DOOOOM. We see Raejae's face, wearing a goalie mask. Then we see a more distant shot of Raejae, this time holding something up in her hand.]

 

And into this ring she put her idiocy, her bitchiness, and her will to dominate all life.

[Fire blots out her image, and in the fire we see the Umbrella. We see a close shot of Raejae, the Umbrella in hand. The camera zooms in on the handle of the Umbrella, which has firey, messy 11-year-old handwriting on it.]

 

One Umbrella to rule them all.

[Once again, we see a map of Crunksville and the surrounding area. A dark cloud originating from Raejaeville spreads to the rest of the area.]

 

One by one, the free lands of the area fell to the power of the Umbrella.

[The map fades into a village in Crunksville. People are running from ferrets, who are squooshing people and burning down houses.]

 

But there were some who resisted.

[We see an army of men marching, then a long shot of the battle field, where there are thousands of Men, Elves, and Ferrets in battle, marching towards each other. The camera moves up to show the Wal-mart of DOOOOM.]

 

A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Raejaeville. And in the parking-lot of the Wal-mart of DOOOOM, they fought for the freedom of Crunksville.

 

[We see a ferret snarling, then a line of archers shooting arrows. Once again, we see a long shot of the battle field, with ferrets falling off cliff tops as they are shot. There are tens of thousands on the battle field. Then we see close shots of an army of Elves and Men, commanded by Sangy.]

 

Sangy:

Hold your positions! Fire the arrows!

 

[The Elves/Men have their shields drawn, and as the ferrets charge towards them, they draw their swords and fight them. Many ferrets fall.]

 

Brian (V.O):

Victory was near. But the power of the Umbrella could not be undone.

[Raejae appears, and with her, a hazy cloud. We see a close up shot of her hand, which is holding the Umbrella. The fiery letters are very clear. Raejae swings her mace, and the men and Elves against him are flung outwards, yelling in pain. Horribleman's Father charges forward, trying to kill Raejae. Raejae slashes at him, flinging him to the ground. His sword falls. Zack runs to his side, and takes off his helmet.]

 

It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Zack took up his father's sword.

[As he grabs at the sword, Raejae steps on it, breaking it. Still holding the hilt of the broken sword, Zack slashes at Raejae's arm, cutting off the hand holding the umbrella. The hand, still clutching the Umbrella, falls to the ground, as Raejae falls backwards. Zack sits up and leans over the Umbrella, as Raejae is destroyed in a light that seems to come from her body. A bright light comes from her, and a cloud spreads over the battlefield, killing all the ferrets and Raejae's allies. Raejae's helmet falls to the ground, smoking.]

 

Raejae, the enemy of the free peoples of Crunksville, was defeated.

[Zack, amazed, picks up Raejae's hand with the Umbrella in it.]

 

The Umbrella passed to Zack, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever.

[We see the Umbrella in Zack's hand, and as he holds it, Raejae's hand crumbles into powder and blows away.]

 

But the hearts of Men are easily corrupted. And the Umbrella of power has a will of its own.

[We see Zack in the car, and the Umbrella clutched in his hand. He is attacked by ferrets. One jumps onto his back, and the others shoot him with their arrows. He is seen in the River, dead, with three arrows in his back.]

 

It betrayed Zack to his death.

[The Umbrella is seen floating down to the bottom of the River.]

 

And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend; legend became myth. And for many, many years, the Umbrella passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.

[The screen fades to black. Then we see the same part of the river, some time later. We then see the Umbrella, half buried, still on the river floor. A hand is seen closing over the handle.]

 

Bunnykins:

My preciousss…

[We see Bunnykins holding the Umbrella, then a shot of the Misty Mountains (hee!)]

 

Brian (V.O):

The Umbrella came to the creature Bunnykins, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there it consumed him.

[We see Bunnykins, deep in a cave, squatting on a rock and looking at the Umbrella in his hand]

 

Bunnykins:

It came to me. My own. My love. My own. My preciousss. Bunny!

 

Brian (V. O):

The Umbrella brought to Bunnykins unnatural long life. For many years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Bunnykins' cave it waited.

[Screen blacks out, then we see an indistinct shape, which comes into focus: a full moon. The image sharpens more, and we see it behind the cover of a tree.]

 

Darkness crept back in the forest of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear.

[We see a ripple in the lake; screen merges into a shot of a red sunset]

 

And the Umbrella of Power perceived its time had now come.

[Sound of plastic-on-rock echoing throughout Bunnykin's cave and rustling of fabric. We see the Umbrella falling.]

 

It abandoned Bunnykins. But something happened then the Umbrella did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely person imaginable…

[A hand is seen closing around the handle of the Umbrella.]

 

Crunk:

Ooooo… what's this?

 

Brian (V. O):

A psycho. Crunkette Greenleaf of Crunksville.

[Full view of Crunk, who fingers Umbrella, then smiles.]

 

Crunk:

Umbrella!

 

Bunnykins:

[in the distance] Lost!! My precious is lost!!!

 

Brian (V. O):

[ We see the outside of the Misty Mountains. Camera begins to move away from them ]

For the time would soon come when Crunk and her offspring would shape the fortunes of all.

 

[the screen blacks out]