| More Fun than Feeding the Lions |
| This segment is intended to be presented as a tragicomedic interlude, rather than standing on its own as a philosophical arguement. For far too long, a salty cancer has been leeching our tax dollars, our power of free will, and most importantly, our women. We would do well to heed the words of a certain blind prophet, who once spake, "Brigham Young was a Sodomite!" in his famed Sermon of the Gas Station. This unsightly mole on the acne covered face of adolescent america is none other than the desert wasteland of Utah. First discovered by the Navajo Indians who dubbed the area "Kikkawammaput", meaning "How the hell could you morons lose the golden tablets?", in the inquisitive form, this area was left alone as a dead place, devoid of wildlife or landmarks until the 1800's, where scores of polygamists seeking justification by a teenage marvel prophet, pioneered on down to the saline wasteland with Tha Man himself in tow. After many years, in which it can be assumed that Significant Things happened, such as the creation of national parks in the area and the illegalization of gambling, we are brought to our modern era, hallmarked by monogamy, vitamin-enhanced foods, and Irish catholicism. In such a great society, we have no place for the archaic practices of bearded men avoiding caffeine and marrying several women. So we should just sell the state to the Russians, or whoever can afford such a sizey plot of land. Question and Rebuttal Section: Q. Is it true that Utah has picturesque places? If so, shouldn't we not abandon such a beautiful part of the country? A. This may be true, but I have purged all memories of that place with a combination of Pavlovian conditioning and smack. So I say, let it all go! If you want beauty, go to East St. Louis or New Jersey. Q. Isn't this all a bit old-fashioned; the buying and selling of land? A. Yes, but perhaps our forefathers had something right. Not only did they exchange land freely among nations, they also overthrew the bastard Frisians occupying the country and allowed the sale of "pillow-books". Q. Aren't you fascist for even suggesting that any of these steps be taken? A. Probably. Q. Can I have five dollars? A. No. |