| Is "Titus" the Apex of Mankind? |
| The tele-vision, when it was first designed, was meant to revolutionize the world of communication. Suddenly, content could be beamed into every home across the country! Football games could be watched as they occurred! People could be urged to call and order clappers! Or even urged to get their clap treated! Sadly, these idyllic dreams never came to pass. Instead, we have bumbling obeise morons clamoring for the attention of talk show hosts who dispense common sense as if it were epiphanies from a new incarnation of Vishnu. We have sitcoms wholly devoid of any wit, where the protagonists are as unlovable as rabid hedgehogs. We have programs without any observable plot whatsoever, such as "MTV's Total Request Live", which in itself implies that older MTV shows like "Road Rules" were probably too complicated for the majority of the network's viewers to comprehend. In fact, this archdaemon of cathode tubes and antennae has taken up residence in my own home. Many an hour is spent with my roommate worshipping the fiend and devouring Wendy's Chicken Nuggets in a bizarre ritual of sacrifice. With grease on his fingers and empty soda cups littered around him, he has truly raised a temple to this beast. Being the man of tolerance that I am, even this does not perturb me so much. No, the real kick in the ass here is the fact that this particular television is always turned up to extreme volumes. Whether I am attempting to sleep, study, or cavort with the milk-maid, the damned scourge is always broadcasting its car insurance commercials and suspect news shows (I mean honestly, who expects to be taken on a journey of discovery while watching Fox News?) Many a time have I attempted to alleve this problem through dialogue, such as saying, "Good Sir Alex, would you care to join me in a rousing game of telling the neighbors to stay out of our lawn?" or sometimes, "I have poached this game hen in the forest today. Would you kindly prepare some garnish for it?" All tossed salad jokes aside, he is sport for none of these endeavors. He is certainly not alone in his predicament, as millions of people share his fascination with the sights and sounds of shows they don't even necessarily like. Instead of extolling the virtues of hard work and occasional abuse of scheduled compounds, the television teaches them make the cubic measurements of their ass increase. Instead of serving as a catalyst for discussion of important topics like how leaving food and trash laying about could cause germs to develop, the only comfits for thought are foolish tidbits like "How can Drew Carey get ladies when he's so blatantly unattractive?" and "Why the hell am I watching yet another car commercial when I can't even afford the payments on my Geo Metro?" In keeping with my policy of adhering to the status quo, my reccomendation is not that television be abolished. Instead, it should be dumbed down further, to the point that it does not even masquerade as something useful. Then as people continue to watch, my associates and like-minded folk will form an elite uberclass, who will be free to exploit the lesser viewing audience for our every manical whim. |