| Suge Knight Represents: "Hey, Get Your 'Solo Effort' Out of There!!" Featuring: DJ Faust |
| Dear DJ Faust: I have a problem involving sex. Specifically, I am incapable of having it. Not because I am impotent, but because my lover has abandoned me for an erotic aberrance. He spends all of his time with monkeys. This might be understandable if they were real monkeys, but they are just characters in the game Donkey Kong Country. How can I tell him that I am sick of him paying so much attention to apes who wear every article of clothing except pants? Sincerely, Going Bananas Dear Going, Based on your pseudonym, I take it that you have already taken the first advice I was about to offer, before I issued it. That is that you may want to turn to other forms of pleasure. Alternatively, you might want to interest your husband by purchasing a video game for him, such as McKids, which features human protagonists, similar to yourself, or perhaps Ice Hockey, since you undoubtedly resemble at least one of the physical builds represented in the game. If this fails, you may want to consider using the Zapper to coerce him into noticing you. Love, DJ Faust Dear DJ Faust, Are you friends with Suge Knight? Sincerely, MC Hammer Dear MC, No, but I occasionally smuggle him cigarettes in prison, which he then trades for chewing gum. Suge finds that a wad in each ear generally helps to drown out the noise of sucker emcees, or "dining hall riots" as many people call them. Love, DJ Faust Dear DJ Faust, Then can you help me get my career back? Sincerely, MC Hammer Dear Hammer (since this was how you were known at the height of your career), The Suge says he can help you out if you provide him with some extra-sharp toothpicks, which he needs as both currency for poker games, and a job he has to pull in the rec yard. Love, DJ Faust |