| RBI Baseball Fucking Blows, You Lushes. By: Sturmkommander Faust |
| The Suburbia rejects at this house are not out spanging for beer money. They are not out insulting cops or that girl at the Boulder Boardwalk. No, they are inside the house, playing a video game shittier than the toilet at the old folk's home after Taco Night. That's right. I'm talking about RBI Baseball, a "realistic" game curiously devoid of cocaine addictions, chewing tobacco, and wife beating. However, it does have a crowd that flashes wildly when a run is scored. But not the kind of flashing you might expect. They just change color, since at the time the game was made, the human anatomy had not yet been invented. (With the exception of the secret "pantsless" level in Super Mario Brothers 2.) The statistics in the game leave much to be desired. Sure, they show batting averages, but what about average time spent in prison? Average shankings or cornholings they were privy to whilst behind bars? Any true sports fan would want to know. Rest assured that the various ethnicities of the characters are not accurately portrayed either. Although many of the characters have vaguely foreign-sounding names that have been shortened to five letters (some without any vowels at all!), they are all displayed in the same monochromatic honkey white. Which suggests to me that the Klan was actually behind the creation of this game, since it teaches young children that only The Man can excel at sports. Where was the ACLU when this game was released? Oh, right, they were tackling straw-man issues like "Destroying Hitler's Brain" and playing SimColostomy on their Apple IIe computers. In conclusion, (remember how your English teacher told you never to end an essay that way? If it bothers you, pretend I am just translating this from sacred Egyptian texts and they're allowed to end it like this.) your time would be better spent picking those Dorito crumbs out of your happy trail than hunting down this nostalgic piece of elephant dung. |