| Project R Mission Statement You've heard the stories before...someone gets a little too drunk or a little too in love with their significant other, and after a 15-minute stint on a bed, pool table, or baseball diamond, they emerge a changed person. They no longer have a youthful twinkle in their eye, no longer blush when people say words like "crotchless panties," and tend to be a whole lot more virile and obnoxious. More than likely, you are among this breed of breeders; this cadre of cavorting fornicators. And even more than likely, you don't want to be part of this crowd anymore. Let's face it. Sex complicates things way too much. While you're still a virgin, you never had to worry about pregnancy tests, herpes tests, those tests you take at the sperm bank, and testy broads. You didn't really have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings too badly, since the worst thing you did with your exes was make out during The Lion King while 7 year olds assailed your cranium with malt balls. But after getting that hole punched in your V-Card, you have to worry about these things constantly. There's just too many hassles...buying and disposing of condoms, trying to keep your parents from hearing your squeaky bed, and wondering exactly how to let your friends know that you just rocked the landlady for rent. Perhaps most importantly, however, members of the glorious opposite sex, or same sex if you prefer, try so much harder to tap dat azz if they know you're a virgin. Because its fun corrupting people; just ask Eazy-E or any local raver if you doubt that fact. And why should your previous gaffes and lapses in judgement prevent people from wanting you even when they probably shouldnt? Thats why we formed. Project Revirginification, or Project R for short. From three founding members (note: we are NOT founding fathers, because we are virgins.), we have quickly expanded into a veritable army of cynical youths, all as pure as the fallen snow. At this point, two questions are probably entering your feeble syphlitic head. The first being "How can I make low-fat chocolate chip cookies I can feel good about eating, without sacrificing taste?" and the second being "How can I join this prestigious organization?" The answers to these queries are such: 1. Try substituting applesauce for vital ingredients, such as eggs or flour. 2. Just ask one of the Project R Prefects to hold your initiation flogging. Ha ha! Just kidding! The applesauce trick only works in oatmeal cookies, to the best of our scientists' knowledge. Oh, and there's no beatings to get admitted to Project R either. Who Can Join? We're not a smarmy "intellectual" organization like Mensa or the Nintendo Power Fun Club. In fact, most of our members need help with basic procedures like boiling water or casting Level 8 Shadow Flare on a Level 31 Hobbit whilst in the inner sanctum of several key Dungeons. It is therefore somewhat a serendipitous (or malicious) accident that any of them have need for Project R's services in the first place. Except for myself of course, and a couple of the other key members. We just cant help it if we're playaz. Even if we aren't discriminating on the basis of wit, charm, or even savoire faire, there are still a few requirements in order to regain that psychological hymen, or at least formulate a lie that you used to be a psychological horseback rider. If you are one of the following, you cannot join Project R, and may be subject to chemical castration or caustic put-downs depending on your local Prefecture's laws. 1. Freemason 2. Scientologist 3. Canadian 4. Person with a "No Fear" or Calvin pissing sticker on a pickup truck 5. Mormon 6. Fan of new Metallica or new Cave In 7. Member of the aforementioned bands Conclusion I don't feel like providing an adequate or satisfactory finish to this page; the kind of finale that you might expect from my other masterworks like the soapbox oratory on RBI Baseball, or my famous novel Siddartha. So instead, I'm not even going to go on about the cool, virginiful stuff we do at club meetings (like contemplate the enlightement we attain through celibacy), or the perks (like a free tote bag), or the Zen-like koans we ponder (like wondering if heaven's got a ghetto.) So do yourself a favor, disavow all knowledge of your previous coital encounters and join the teeming legions of Project R today! |