| Piping Hot Wrought Iron Rods: An Interview with Rob Halford of Judas Priest By: The Inquisitive Warrior-Poet Sturmkommander Faust |
| Rob Halford, one of the premiere forces in metal both current and ancient, has recently released his comeback album Resurrection, in an effort to convince washed-up longhairs that he is not washed up, although he has shaved his flowing mane. I caught up with him outside of Green Means Go! editor Tom's bar, The Sloppy Manhole, where I conducted this interview. STURMKOMMANDER FAUST: To start this off, what are your names and what do you play? ROB HALFORD: Well, it would be all too easy to make a skin flute joke here, but to tell you the truth, I was never that adept at woodwind instruments. I'm Rob Fucking Halford, and I play the guitar, as well as a drum I made out of the skull of that one kid who commited suicide to "Fade to Black". ERIC ADAMS: I'm Eric Adams, and although I do not play any instruments or have any observable musical talent whatsoever, I do lend my effeminate screams to several Manowar albums. YNGWIE MALMSTEEN: I'm Yngwie Fucking Malmsteen, and I play... SF: Silence! Nobody cares about some fast fingered hack who has an unpronouncable first name. Moving on, Mr. Halford, what do you mean by the title of your new album? RH: We're friends man, just call me Fucking. Or Rob. Either way, it's more casual. Anyway, I was trying to resurrect the spirits of 80's metal with this album. SF: You mean rampant hedonism...cocaine binges, crotch choking pants, and more groupies than you can shake a piston at? RH: Ain't nothing wrong with the tight pants, except for the lower sperm count. But who am I kidding? I'm no filthy breeder! On the real tip, I more meant the flaming solos and closeted homosexuality. EA: What?? You're gay? RH: I'm as gay as a Chocobo. You honestly didn't know this? Come on, look at the bar we were just in! EA: I thought it was a metal bar! RH: But it was a leather-wearing all-male cabaret in there! EA: Exactly! No true metalhead would be enjoying the company of women, since he would be too busy perfecting the lead to "Hallowed be thy Name"...and as for the leather, well, there's no substitute for good fashion. SF: I see your point Eric, but I didn't really come to this den of sin to listen to your own spiel of self-denial. Next question. Rob, how do you feel about the new wave of more fanciful metal bands, such as Blind Guardian or Hammerfall, who prefer songs about hobbits to those about motorcycles? RH: I really don't see how those bands are any different from patrons of Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie. Honestly, these guys need to realize that there is only one Elvenking, and that true metalheads don't sit around playing magic cards. They spend their time sniffing glue and formulating theorems to make and even tighter variety of Spandex. You know what would be really innovative though, is if someone released an album of metal covers of Mega Man songs. Those programmers were pioneers! SF: Do you think that sterilization of some metalheads would be a good idea? You know, to keep them from breeding and producing more overweight Budweiser-chugging kids who fancy professional wrestling? RH: I don't think theres need for an action that extreme. You have to take into account that most metal fans will remain virgins until the day they die. And secondly, the guys from Nile deserve to have kids. EA: Fosheezy, someone needs to carry on the archaeologocial tradition. YM: What is the meaning of this absurdity? Why has no one asked about the best method to tap on the guitar? ALL: Just shut the hell up! Fin. |