| The following are letters that I wrote for a megamurder.com contest that involved getting published in a paper. Unfortunately, the Colorado Daily found my opinions a bit "extreme", and my emails were not responded to. Regardless, here are my letters. Dear Editor: With so much talk about genetically modified foods being harmful, it is important to note that not one death has been reported from such foods. However, members of the Pentecostal faith have been known to die from snakebites. Does this mean the Pentecostal church should be made illegal? My answer is yes. Love, Seth Dear Editor, Today's emotional climate is an arduous one, full of worries about the Taliban and fiscal collapse. Undoubtedly, this is having a negative effect on the children of our nation. The kids need something to turn to. The kids need...Jesus. Providing each schoolchild in America with a bible is cheaper than metal detectors, and its message of peace and compassion is just as effective. Inner-city schools could have metal-plated bibles to deflect stray bullets from gang warfare. Rural-model bibles could come equipped with wheels, so the students could ride them to their schools, which are very far away. Even most of communist Cuba believes in God. Why can't our own children? Love, Seth Dear Stupid Bastard, The time has finally come when Palestinian terrorists are using women suicide bombers, which is a remarkable step in a more tolerant direction. Many of their male recruits train in the desert with a few other men, so we can safely assume that their ranks are integrated to include homosexuals. Isn't it shameful that our own armed forces are less willing to give women and gays/lesbians a chance to serve their country? Regards, Seth Dear Sir, As CU allows increasing amounts of college freshman in each year, there is a decreasing amount of space with which to contain them. Building large skyscrapers or using up open space are not viable options, and neither is tightening admission qualifications. However, there is an untapped source of storage space for Boulder's favorite Gap-wearing rascals. Many businesses and housing developments in Boulder County have used gas or traps to exterminate prairie dogs on their land. Presumably, the burrows still exist. Therefore, I propose that we allow colonies of students to move into these pre-made subterranian palaces, thus making use of our available space and allowing CU to keep its profit margins sufficiently high. Love, Seth Dear Lamewads, According to recent stories featured in eminent journalistic publications, certain state senators want to raise tuition for students convicted of rioting. This kind of maverick cowboy mentality smacks of someone who thought terrorism was a divine punishment for allowing Harry Potter novels to circulate freely. If the measure passes, students should have a tea-party of their own where they steal the gilded dome of the Capitol building and melt it down for gold coin. Or gold bullets, which I hear are highly effective for slaying vampires like those in our state senate. Love, Seth Dear Liberal Miscreants, Babies aren't exactly dropping like flies in Colorado, but I, like many others, feel that just one case of child abuse or death is too many. Irresponsible crack-smoking mothers shouldn't be allowed to squirt out children, nor should jobless punks with rage issues be allowed to father them. Since we can't abolish sex, we ought to prevent further tragedies from occurring by requiring sterilization of these creeps. I know that you're probably thinking that this is a concept reminiscent of Sir Francis Galton or Hitler. Actually, I know you aren't thinking that, because you don't know who Sir Francis Galton is. The reason for this is because you bide your time eating deluxe McRib sandwiches and watching troubleshooter Tom Martino rate various brands of leg wax. This alone probably qualifies you for sterilization, but since you, the reader, have not abused any children to my knowledge, I won't send you to the eunuch factory. Yet. Warm Salutations, Seth Dear Editor, I'm sick of the meter maids hovering like vultures around the juicy carcass that is my car. Fuck that shit; I park where I want, when I want, fire hydrants be damned. I'm also sick of yielding to pedestrians, but thats a whole other Oprah. Love, Seth |