| Higher than Hell: A Drama in Three Acts By: Sturmkommander Faust Dramatis Personae Karl-A Singer Young Fan-A Young Fan Ike Turner-A Popular Entertainer of Many Diverse Talents Kent McClard- An Obsessive-Compulsive Zine Editor Secretary-A HeartattaCk Secretary Terrorist-A Well-Meaning, but Bumbling, Terrorist |
| ACT ONE Setting: A seedy back alley following a sold out Earth Crisis/Static-X/Ko"Backwards R"n show. Enter Karl and a Young Fan. Young Fan: That was really a killer set, Karl! Your brand of derivative rap-metal is sure to catapult you to the top of the BMG Records best-sellers list! Karl: Thanks buddy, want me to autograph that ball-cap of yours? Young Fan: No thanks, it's already been signed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I really can't have you fucking that up. Karl: Oh damn, beat out by a guy with references to fake Bible passages on his shirts. Young Fan: Those aren't real passages? (Exit Young Fan, enter Ike Turner, looking somewhat disoriented and ragged after a stay in detox.) Ike Turner: I'm here to save your career, Karl! Karl: Who are you? Ike Turner: I'm popular entertainer and server of beat-downs Ike Turner. Karl: Oh, right. I was kind of hoping my salvation would come from Rick James, since he has a stronger rapport with the Lord. Ike Turner: Rick James is busy right now ensuring that Somalian children know of the Lord's grace. Plus I think he's been sneaking their rice on the side. His multiple prison sentences made him a bastard like that. Karl: Hey, aren't random strangers that come to save pop icons like myself usually dead, and appear in the form of angels? Ike Turner: If you're about to ask "Are you an angel?", boy, I'll smack you down like you was Jake Lloyd. Now just shut up and take some of this. (Ike Turner hands Karl a bag of white powder.) ACT TWO Setting: A posh mountain home, with wood furnishing and many platinum records on the wall. Enter Karl. Karl: Thanks to the baking soda that Ike Turner gave me, I am now hopelessly addicted to cooking, and have no more time for my band. C'est la vie! ACT THREE Setting: The offices of HeartattaCk magazine, a cold, heartless, one way conduit of propaganda. Sitting in a large leather chair is Kent McClard, with the Secretary at an adjoining desk. Kent McClard: What the fuck? How can Earth Crisis have broken up? Only At the Drive In is allowed to circumvent their own fame by throwing in the towel. Now who will my legions of whiny, self-righteous authors be able to use as a scapegoat of all that is wrong with hardcore music? Secretary! Secretary: Yes? Kent McClard: Bring me Karl, the hardcore kid turned mediocre calzone chef! Secretary: Sieg Heil! (Enter Karl) Kent McClard: What gives you the right to break up the band? My journalists are reporting 75% less productivity now that they are unable to complain about your hardline stance on selling records and progressively sounding more like Limp Bizkit! Karl: Maybe you should encourage them to write about issues that are actually pertinent to today's society, such as microbiology or how most fast-food french fries aren't vegan. (Switch setting to outside of HeartattaCk offices, where a Terrorist is waiting across the street. A backpack full of explosives can be seen in front of the building.) Terrorist: When this bomb goes off, China will have no choice but to free Tibet! (Massive explosion then transpires.) FINIS. |