KEVIN CARRIERO

"Affirmative."

"Back in the day when the Dead Sea was just sick and you were just a twinkle in your parents’ eyes, I played high school football and I got my ass kicked.  And I played in the city were it was really tough.  I would come home and have to hide from my mom so she wouldn't see the cleat mark on my chest."

"Darryl, if you were on varsity, they wood call you N.B. for No Butt because they would chew your ass out so much that all you would have left is a sphincter.  That’s right a sphincter.  No bone, no skin, no muscle no nothing.  And that’s pretty thick your going through three muscles."

"Everyone's breathing so heavy.  What is this a porno movie?"

"I don’t do anymore, I just watch."

"If your talking in the back, YOUR WRONG!"

"It's one of those hits that make the crowd go, oooo"

"Negative."

"Remember, when you run, sparky's gotta be at attention."

"Schiller! If YOU GET CAUGHT SHOOTING THE BREEZE ON VARSITY, YOUR GUNNA GO THROUGH A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE"

"That punt was like an elephant's ass: high. wide and shitty."

"This drill reminds me of last night when I was watching the Discovery Channel and they showed how the first subterranean creatures came on to land from the sea."

"When locust are invading my sunglasses."

"You wanna buy a ticket?"