Dragons Against Abuse

A bit about me and what this page is about

Hello and welcome to DAA, this page is for anyone that has suffered any kind of abuse be they male, female, young or old. I had to grow up with an alcoholic father who picked on my mum and me all that time I thought it was the norm and this is how it must be.

Not until I was a teenager did I learn that it was not right or ok_ for it isn�t ok and it's not right. There is no excuse for any kind of violence or abuse. I was also, when I was a bit older in a violent relationship with a girl who used to abuse me both verbally and physically.

I never told any one about it for a long time thinking, as I was male they wouldn�t believe me. I got out of that relationship as soon as I could even though I did suffer a long time before I had the courage to leave.  I still suffered long afterwards trying to rebuild my confidence.

Never did I have then, or when I was younger, get any help or advice on what to do or who to turn to. My schooling suffered and so did my confidence. I was an easy target for bullying at school as well.

So now I am making an effort to help others who have suffered and those who are still suffering. The WWW is a wonderful place and if we can use it to help others then we should.

I will be working hard on this page to bring advice and help to those who need it. If you know of any sites out there that can help others in any kind of abuse, please e-mail me with their addresses,

or if you have a site and want to be linked to this project, then e-mail me and I will put it on this page or join my web-ring "Dragons Against Abuse".

Or if you just need someone to talk to, I am always ready to help. I don�t admit to being any kind of expert, but I believe that if I had someone, anyone who could have heard me or just said "are you ok" it might have been so different than it turned out.

Below you will find a couple of links to the RAOC site which I think is a great site. Soon I will have more here. Love and peace to all. If we can all just give a little of ourselves to others then the world would be such a better place to live in....Thank you.

This dream book is for the DAA page only, if you want to leave any msg to do with MetalDragons42 site please use book on main page..... Thank you

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Connection between child abuse and domestic abuse clear

By JAN LANDON
The Capital-Journal

When hit, intimidated or verbally abused enough times, you may start to believe that is the way you deserve to be treated.

If raised in a place where violence is all you see, it may become all you know. When abuse steals all your power, you may lose the ability to help yourself and to protect those most desperately in need of your help -- your children.

Domestic abuse and child abuse are entangled like rotting vines, experts say. It is passed from parent to child and from one generation to the next.

Society watches and asks in desperation: Why did he do it? Why didn't she leave? Why didn't she protect her child?

There are no simple answers.

Cause and effect

Numerous studies reveal a strong connection between domestic violence and child abuse, said Sandy Barnett, executive director of Kansas Coalition of Sexual and Domestic Violence.

"In homes where there is domestic violence we believe somewhere between 50 and 76 percent of the children are victims of battery," Barnett said. "We know that adolescent girls living in homes where there is domestic violence are six times more at risk of sexual abuse, and that doesn't begin to count the kids in households witnessing violence."

A report issued by the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse confirmed the connection, but estimated the incidence of child abuse in homes where domestic violence was occuring at a lower 30 percent to 50 percent. In the vast majority of those households, the report said, the same person is abusing both the adult and the children.

A study cited during hearings before the U.S. Senate's Judiciary Committee in 1990 said that children who live in homes where there is domestic violence are 1,500 percent more likely to be physically abused or neglected.

Perpetrators of domestic violence are usually men, while more women than men abuse children. Barnett said that, in large part, can be attributed to the increasing numbers of single women raising children alone and the stress that lifestyle may entail.

Powerless to protect

People unfamiliar with life in an abusive house often struggle to understand why an adult stays in a battering relationship and they can't fathom why a parent fails to come to the rescue of a child who is being mistreated.

Each day in this country, at least three children die as a result of child abuse, according to the NCPCA. For every child who is killed, there usually is at least one person who had the power to prevent it from happening.

When that person is a parent, especially a mother, many people are stunned and judgmental. But if the mother also is a victim of abuse or grew up in a violent home, she may be incapable of reacting or helping her child, experts say.

Sometimes, according to Barnett, women in abusive relationships believe their children are safer if they stay put. Just as in many domestic violence situations, the most dangerous time for those being abused is when they attempt to leave because it threatens the perpetrator's sense of control. A woman who leaves an abusive relationship with her children lives in constant fear that her former partner will find them.

A 1996 California study of 100,000 residents of protective shelters and callers to abuse hot lines found that batterers threatened to kidnap children in 34 percent of the cases. In 11 percent the cases, children actually were taken.

"Abusers have a way of making victims believe whatever they say can come true," Barnett said. "He may threaten to kill or take the kids. She believes he has the power. Staying with him is sometimes the safest thing she can do for her and her kids."

By the time the abuse comes to the attention of others the controlling behavior has become so strong and the psychological terror so high that it virtually paralyzes the woman, Barnett said. She said a mother who was abused as a child simply may not be capable of protecting her children from an abuser.

"They grow up with very little sense that what they do in the world has any impact," Barnett said. "They would believe there's nothing in the world they could do about it. They feel helpless to change anything."

Marilynn Ault, program director at the YWCA's Battered Women Task Force, said in addition to helplessness and fear, women remain in abusive relationships because they can't afford to support themselves and their children alone. They also may not have a support system, or they come from a religious background that says, "You picked him, now live with him."

"They will try to make really awful relationships work," Ault said, "because they dread being alone."

Still, Ault said, when women do summon the courage to leave it is often to protect their children.

Dr. John Sargent, director of education and research at Menninger, said women who have been abused are living in an environment comparable to a war zone. He said the prevalence of drug and alcohol abuse in troubled families also can incapacitate a parent who may be in a position to protect a child.

"The influence of significant substances has probably decreased adults' attachment to their children," Sargent said. "Plus, it creates a motivation to get the substance."

That motivation, fueled by addiction, can drive people to do irrational things, Sargent said.

A lasting scar

Experiencing abuse is horrible for children, but witnessing violence against another family member also can have dire and lasting consequences.

"If you grow up in a home where there's violence, there are big self-esteem issues," Ault said.

Some research has shown that girls who grow up in violent homes tend to become victims, while boys evolve into perpetrators, Ault said. More recent research has revealed that children from violent homes have a higher incidence of suicide, alcohol and drug use and are more likely to perform poorly in school and commit crimes against people.

"For very young children where parents say he's too young, he doesn't know what's going on, they don't realize the violence done to Mom isn't seen as being separate from him," Ault said. "Many of our children believe things like Daddy beat up Mommy because I didn't make my bed."

The lasting effect on those who witness violence in the home also is confirmed in the NCPCA report.

"Those in intimate relationships as well as those who abuse children often are repeating learned behaviors transmitted intergenerationally," the report said. "Adults who were abused as children have an increased risk of abusing their children, and adults who grew up in a violent home are more likely to become perpetrators or victims of domestic violence."

Ault sees that phenomenon borne out in her work. She said about 70 percent of the men in the task force's program for batterers were physically or sexually abused as children.

Complicating the problem, Ault said, is that society sends men mixed messages.

"We often see men as take-charge and expect them to wear the pants," she said. "And we see it reflected in the media, a lot of violence, and the only way to take charge is to hit. There's so many of them with that kind of thinking."

Often times, when a man is abusing a woman, that is the only situation in which he is losing control, Ault said. He is able to keep his composure at work or in social situations.

"It's much easier to try and control the partner and the kids than to control neighbors or the workplace," she said.

Nicky Brumbeloe sees a different picture of family violence. An assistant district attorney with the Shawnee County District Attorney's office, she prosecutes domestic violence cases.

Most Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons she can be found in Shawnee County District Court at the accelerated domestic violence docket.

Her favorite saying for the people she sees is, "They're only living two minutes in the future."

They don't think of the consequences, Brumbeloe said. They don't think past the action and never consider the long-term damage to a partner or child, or that they may end up in jail.

Bernard Hurd, another assistant district attorney assigned to the domestic abuse docket who also preaches in the pulpit of the Calvary Baptist Church in Topeka, said he believes the breakdown of the family has worsened the problem of child abuse.

Both Brumbeloe and Hurd said violence is a way of life for many of the people they see in court. Most of their cases, the prosecutors said, involve alcohol and drug use.

Often, they said, a couple temporarily separated by abuse and a court date gets back together. But often, couples that re-unite are destined to repeat the pattern and end up back in court.

click here to go to PWOTW domestic violence help

click here for RAOK's project against domestic abuse

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