One day a man decides to go ice fishing. He begins to cut a hole in the ice when a booming voice from above says, "There are no fish there." So he moves to another area, and begins to cut another hole in the ice, when he hears the voice again, "There are no fish there." So he moves again and begins cutting another hole when once more the voice bellows, "There are no fish there either." So the man looks up and says "Who is this, God?" The voice replies, "No, this is the manager of this ice skating rink."

A man and his wife plan to vacation in Florida. At the last minute the wife has to go to a business meeting. The husband goes ahead; the wife agrees to meet him in a couple days. While they're apart the husband sends his wife an e-mail, but accidentally sends it to a woman who's husband had died recently. After reading the message, she passes out cold. Her daughter, wondering what disturbed her mother so much, reads the e-mail: "Dear Darling, I have really missed you! I am looking forward to your arrival tomorrow. Oh, and it is really hot down here!"

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away. The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good." On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness. The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

John played golf every Saturday with his three best friends, Tom, Dick, and Harry. Knowing that John usually made it home by noon, his wife was getting worried because it was almost 2:00 p.m. and she hadn't heard from him. 3 p.m. came and went, then 4 p.m. Finally, around 5, John walked in dragging his golf bag. "Where have you been? I've been so worried!" his wife exclaimed. "It was a real bad day at the golf course." John replied. "Harry had a heart attack and collapsed on the 4th hole. It was pretty rough. Hit the ball...drag Harry...hit the ball...drag Harry..."

A man and a woman got in a car wreck. Fortunately, no one was hurt. The woman said to the man, "Since we are both okay, we should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, let's open it." She got the bottle out of the car and handed it to the man. The man took a big drink and then handed it over to the woman, who closed the bottle and put it down. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?" The woman cleverly replied, "No, I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone. "Honey, watch out because a car is going the wrong way and running people off the road!" She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"

Grandpa is in a coma, and Grandma is worried he is going to die. She says to her grandson, "You watch him while I prepare some food. Let me know if there are any changes in his condition." Pretty soon Grandpa wakes up and says to his grandson, "Are those Grandma's cookies I smell? Tell Grandma I want some of her cookies." The boy goes downstairs, then comes back up and says to Grandpa, "Grandma says you can't have any. They're for the funeral."

Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!" said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead." "I ought to," said Roger, "I was married to her for forty years!" A man was watching TV one day when he heard a knock on the door. He got up and answered the door, and to his surprise found a snail looking up at him from his doorstep. Disgusted, the man picked up the snail and threw it across the street. Three years later, the same man was watching TV when he heard a knock at the door. He answered it, and sure enough there was the snail. "Hey!" the snail called up at him. "What was that for?"

A man's wife insisted on going deer hunting with him. Finally, he gave in, and set her up at the base of a tree, telling her he would scout around, scare up a deer, and send it her way. After about 15 minutes, he heard a shot. He rushed back to the stand where he had left his wife to find a man with his hands in the air saying: "OK, OK lady, it's YOUR deer! Just let me get my saddle off of him."

One day an atheist was out hunting for deer when he heard something behind him. He turned around to see that it was a bear. The bear got closer, so the frightened atheist decided to give prayer a try. "God, I know I denied you so many times, that it would be foolish for me to ask you to help me, so I ask you to please make the bear a Christian." When he finished his prayer, the bear got down on its knees. The atheist got closer, and heard the bear was saying: "God, bless this food I'm about to eat."

A husband and his wife are in bed late one night when the doorbell rings. The husband goes to the window and yells, "Who's there?" The man outside replies, "Please help! I need a push." The wife says, "Honey, remember when the kids had car trouble and a stranger helped them? You should repay that kindness by helping that man." The husband agrees, goes down stairs, opens the front door and says, "Okay, I'll help you. Where'd you go?" Then, from the side yard he hears, "Over here, I'm on the swing."

A woman sat next to a man, who asked, "If you ask me something I can't answer, I will give you $50. If I ask you a question you can't answer then you give me $5." So the woman thought for a while, then asked, "Okay, what can run downhill but can't go uphill?" The man thought long and hard, but couldn't answer. "I give up," he said. "Here is $50. What's the answer?" The woman then gave the man $5.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

Two students taking a chemistry class were doing well enough to think they had solid "A" grades. Confident of their chemistry knowledge, they decided to visit another college and party with some friends the weekend before the final. When they returned too late to take the exam, they found their professor and explained that they had missed the test because of a flat tire. The professor allowed them to make up the final the next day. When they arrived, the professor handed each a test, then placed them in separate rooms to begin. Opening the small booklets, the students found just one question: Which tire?

It is a teacher's last day, and all the students want to show their appreciation for her by giving her a present. The chocolatier's son brings her a box of fine gourmet truffles, the florist's daughter brings her a bouquet of flowers, and the liquor store owners son comes in with a heavy box. The teacher notices it's leaking on one side, and takes a drop of the liquid and tastes it. "Champagne?" The boy says no. "Brandy?" Again he says no. Finally, the teacher says, "I give up, what did you get me?" And the liquor store owner's son says "A puppy!"

A young man comes across an old man sitting on a park bench, crying. When he asks him why, the old man replies, "I have a beautiful, 27-year-old wife waiting for me at home." Of course the young man is confused. He asks, "Why are you crying because you have a beautiful, 27-year-old wife waiting for you at home?" The old man looks up and cries out, "I can't remember where I live!!"

About ten years ago, a young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and - WHUMP! - it smashed into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH...!!!!

Life has a host of situations and circumstances that can't be defined by the dictionary. So, for the next couple of weeks, LifeMinders Today is giving you daily definitions for words that don't exist, but should. They're meant to make you smile, but don't be surprised if you work one into your next conversation!

A man met a genie in the usual lamp-rubbing manner, and was granted one wish. "I want a highway from here to Hawaii," the man said. "Think about how long the supports would be," the genie replied, "and how far the road would have to stretch. Isn't there something else you'd like?" The man said, "Okay. I'd like to understand women." The genie then said, "You want that highway with two lanes or four?"

Scientists who have been using rats in their scientific experiments have decided to use lawyers instead. They site three reasons: One, there are more of them. Two, they don't become as emotionally attached to lawyers as they do rats. And three, there are some things rats just won't do!

A young nun enters a convent, where she is can only utter two words every ten years. After the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says, "bed hard." Ten years later, she says, "food bad." After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says, "I quit." "I'm not surprised," says Mother Superior. "You�ve been complaining ever since you got here."

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$, and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task. You can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

A lady walks into a bank and asks for a $5,000 loan. "What do you have for collateral?" the banker asks. "You can keep my car." So the banker gives her the loan. The lady returns the follow week and pays back the $5,000, along with $15.41 in interest. "If you had $5,000, why did you need a loan?" the banker asks. "Where else could I park my car for a week for only $15.41?"

A preacher and a cab driver die at the same time. At the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter hands the preacher a small set of white wings, then hands the cabby a large set of gold wings. "Why," the preacher asks, "does that cabby get gold wings?" Saint Peter says, "While you were preaching, people were sleeping. While he was driving, people were praying!"

"Can you tell me what you call an unravelled loop of string?" a teacher asks her class. "I'm afraid not," one little girl responds. "Very good!" the teacher says. "A frayed knot is correct!"

Diskspensor: A friend or relative who always gives CDs as gifts. "For my birthday, I got a copy of Slim Whitman Live in Branson to add to the extensive collection built by my father the diskpensor."

Fakelation: Phony enthusiasm shown for an innappropriate or unwanted gift. "Grandma's fakelation was obvious when she unwrapped the new javelin I bought for her. I should have gotten her the discus."

Unnecesessory: A gift, usually obtained from one of those specialized catalogues featuring "unique" items, designed for such a specific purpose that it will be used once, then forgotten in a junk drawer. "That solar-powered sock-warmer? Toss it in with the musical hub-cabs, laser nose-hair trimmer and other unnecessories I got last Christmas."

A young boy wanted to see a new pirate movie. When tried to buy a ticket, the clerk told him no. "Why not?" the boy asked. "Because," the clerk answered, "it's rated ARRRRRR!!"

George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses. "Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush. "Well," Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years."

A retired corporal was telling a friend how he handled officers during his service years. "It didn't matter if he was a general, an admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I told those guys exactly where to get off. "Wow," his friend said. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

"A lawyer got out of his expensive sportscar, when suddenly a truck came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage. "Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he shrieked. "You lawyers are so materialistic," retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your car that you haven't noticed your injured wrist!" "Oh no!" replied the lawyer looking down. "I broke my Rolex!"

"God made the earth the center of His great universe," said the clergyman. "No, my observations tell me that the universe revolves around the sun," the astronomer insisted. "You're both wrong," explained the professional athlete. "The universe revolves around me."

When a woman reported her husband missing, the officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him my mother isn't visiting after all."

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!!' The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Like is says on TV, Grandma -- 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

A grasshopper was bouncing down the sidewalk when he jumped into a bar, hopped across the floor, and leapt up on top of a bar-stool. The bartender leaned over toward him and said, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replied, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Bill as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

A little girl wore a medical bracelet. When someone asked her what it was for, she replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person then asked, "Are you allergic to cats?" The girl answered, "I don't know. I don't eat cats."

George came home from the doctor looking very worried. "What's the problem?" his wife asked. "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." "I know," said George, "but the doctor only gave me four pills!"

A little boy had not given up sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything to discourage the habit. Finally, she warned her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The boy took a few brisk steps towards her, pointed sternly at her belly, and said, "Ooooo... I know what you've been doing!"

A History professor was explaining how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "Take Miss America in 1921," he noted. "She stood 5'1'', weighed 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's beauty contest?" One student piped up, "Not very well! She'd be way too old!"

A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" His father replies, "I don't know, son. I'M STILL PAYING FOR IT!"

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous? El-if-I-know!

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. The cosmetics clerk showed him a $50.00 bottle of perfume. "That's expensive," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," he complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. Tim shook his head and said, "I'd like to see something really cheap." Then the clerk handed him a mirror.

A man went to the police station asking to speak to the thief who had broken into his house the previous night. "You'll get your chance in court," the desk sergeant said. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife . . . I've been trying to do that for years!"

An elderly man and his wife were dining at a restaurant. After the man received his food, he carefully cut his portion in half, and poured exactly half of his drink into another cup. Then he gave these to his wife. Their waitress noticed that the old lady was not eating her half and said, "That's so sweet that you share the meal, but why aren't you eating?" The old lady said, "I'm waiting for the teeth!"

When a crowded school bus pulled over to make way for a speeding fire truck, several children spotted a Dalmatian seated by the driver . "Why did the firemen have that dog with them?" one child asked. "To bark at the crowds and keep people out of the way," another answered. "He's there for good luck," insisted a third. The discussion ended when one lad explained, "They use the dog to find the fire hydrant."

A man went ice fishing, and started to make a cut in the ice when a voice from above boomed out: "There are no fish there." So he moved to another spot, and started to cut another hole in the ice. The same voice said, "There are no fish there." When he moved to another spot and started to cut, the same voice again proclaimed, "There are no fish there!" The man raised his eyes toward heaven and asked, " Are you God?" The voice replied, "No, I'm the manger of this skating rink!"

A hospital surgeon told his patient: "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" The patient said, "Give me the bad news first." The doctor said, "We are going to have to amputate your feet. The patient said, "That's terrible! What's the good news?" The doctor said, "The patient in the next room wants to buy your slippers."

A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

A state trooper pulls over a disoriented driver on a lonely back road and says, "Hey buddy, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Officer, I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" The officer reached through the window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "That's your air freshener."

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked. "I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

A father was having trouble getting his son to cut his long hair. When the boy asked to borrow the family car, the father said, "You may borrow the car when you cut your hair." Later that same evening the father passed by the son's room where he was stretched out on the bed reading the Bible. He said, "Dad, did you know it says here that Jesus never cut his hair?" His dad said, "Yes, son, and if you read further, you notice it says he walked everywhere he went."

What would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have stopped to ask for directions, so they would have arrived on time. They would have helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, fed the animals, baked a casserole, sent out baby announcements, brought practical gifts and there would be Peace On Earth!

During one airline flight, the Captain left the cockpit to announce to the passengers that he had bad news and good news. A man in the front row said "For goodness sake, what's the bad news?" The pilot answered, "We've lost two engines and we're going to crash". "For Heaven's sake, what's the GOOD news?", replied the passenger. Answered the Captain, "We are ON TIME!"

Two guys are approaching the 12th green on the golf course when suddenly a funeral processession appears, on the road right outside the course. As the hearse approaches one of the golfers removes his cap and stares solemnly. The procession moves on, the golfer puts his cap back on, and pulls his putter out of his bag. "That," says his partner, "was one of the nicest, most respectful things I have ever seen." "Yeah," says the first guy, lining up his putt, "we would've been married 33 years next Wednesday."

I man went to his psychiatrist and said what's wrong with me I'm afraid of Santa. The psychiatrist said you must be Claustrofobic.

One day a man set out for a game of golf with a friend, when he finally returned home his wife asked, "How was your game?" "Awful," he replied. "Harry had a heart attack." "That's awful!" she responds. "You're telling me" he said "for 15 holes it was like hit the ball, drag Harry...hit the ball, drag Harry....."

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Thistle.
Thistle Who?
Thistle be the last knock knock joke!

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. --Chinese Proverb

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Wurlitzer.
Wurlitzer who?
Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show... !

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh...
MOO!

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke...

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Ya
Ya who?
Yaa-hoooo, I didn't know you're a cowboy!

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. -- Aristotle

Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves. The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible." The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments." The third guy says, "What did I give you?"

Where there is an open mind, there will always be a frontier. --Charles F. Kettering

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A Thought For Christmas.......... Do you know what would have happened If it had been Three Wise Women Instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable, Made a casserole, Brought practical gifts and There would be Peace On Earth!

A cat lives out his nine lives and ends up in heaven. God appears and says to the cat," I hope you find your stay enjoyable. Anything you need, just ask." The cat replies, "All my life I have been running around, chasing mice, scrounging for food and sleeping in alleys. It would be great if I didn't have to work so hard." "Say no more," says God, and He gives the cat a fluffy cloud-bed to sleep on and all the food he could want. The next day, 6 mice are sent to heaven. God appears to the mice and says, " I hope you find your stay enjoyable. Anything you need, just ask." The mice reply, " All our lives we've been running around scrounging for food and running away from cats. It would be great if we didn't have to run any more." " Say no more," replies God, and He equips each mouse with roller skates. The next day God appears to the cat; " I hope you are finding everything to your satisfaction?" " Oh yes," says the cat. "I love my new soft bed, my fancy chew toys, the food here is terrific, AND those meals on wheels aren't bad either!!"

A line of candidates waited to enter the Pearly Gates. St. Peter questioned each one about their work on earth. He asked the first one, "What did you do to qualify for Heaven?" "I was a family doctor," the candidate answered. St. Peter replied, "You did much good, you can go in. " The next candidate replied, "I was a doctor. A pediatrician." St. Peter replied, "You did a lot of good, you can go in." The next candidate declared, "I was CEO of a HMO." St. Peter thought for a while, scratched his chin and said, "OK, you can go on in, but you can only stay 3 days."

'Tis is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. --Charles Darwin

The journey of a thousand leagues begins with a single step. -- Lao-Tzu

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Liddle o lady.
Liddle o lady who?
Oh, I didn't know you could yodel!

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Give me a bottle of your most expensive champagne." The bartender says, "That'll cost you over $100". The duck says, "That's OK, just put it on my bill."

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

A driver is pulled over by a police car one afternoon, and when the officer comes up to the window he asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver responds "No officer I don't." The officer replies "You ran that stop sign back there." "Well I slowed down to see if anyone was coming" responded the driver. "Step out of the car sir" As soon as the driver stepped out the officer began to hit him with a knightstick. "Do you want me stop or just slow down?"

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, nothing would fit me, not even a blouse; The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd tasted, at the holiday parties had gone to my waist;

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber), I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared, The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared;

The wine and the rum balls; the bread and the cheese, and the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt, and prepared once again to do battle with dirt, I said to myself, as only I can, "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip. Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, 'til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore, But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!