Looking back through a bitter and depressed heart i convince myself that i had a terrible upbringing/childhood. My luck and circumstances always gave me something to complain about. I knew i had it rough still keeping a solid determination for bettering myself even tho it would have to be all by myself.
Always alone, never anti-social or the unpopular one. but alone none-the-less... alienated by my feelings about my sexuality and several other insecurities that may have been avoided had i not been thrown into life so unprepared, unsupervised, or unguided by a helping hand.
I blame them for never being there or understand me. But i also blame myself for being so proud and insisted that i grow up in a hurry, running away from whatever it all was
I marched into the future
wht did i expect to find?
Everything i hoped. Should have know it wasn't going to be that easy
i just went on instinct when it came to furthering my education because it was my heart's aspiration to think and leave to the outside of that box i was trapped in. College at 17 cure hunger pangs for independence and enabled me to start walking away in search of a home with clearer skies.
This home is extremly hard to find. Where was it build? Was it ever built? Do i have to get used to this hopelessness for a better tomorrow?
It has been 9 weeks from the day i packed up my things into my 94 burgandy Accord and began the 1,194-mile trek to a new place in search of that home. I remember the look on my mothers face as i came/left...threw my clothes, turntables, computer, George Foreman grill, and a few other belonging into the trunk and backseat. My dad quietly working in the back yard. who knows what may have been on his mind. but i bet he cared right? My sisters and I exchanged hugs that didn't last long enough. Both sides staying strong, probably due to the familiarity of the scene just four years ago and then again two years later.
My parents and I said a simple goodbye. We prayed in the living room, asked fro blessings and what not, the simple prayers of a middle class family who's about to let go
Then casey (a friend coming along for the ride) and i got up and set both feet in my car and headed down the street. I can still remember driving to school in that same direction every morning...
I think my soul is crying right now. I can feel it.
That little boy emerges and is overwhelmed with desolation, uncertainties, and pain, comparable to a beam penetrating the ches, heart, and backside. Why is someone like him with so much love os easily susceptable to the exact opposite? As strong as I am, I am able to have minimal positive influence on the child. He begs to be left alone but i know his type. He needs me now the most. It's the least i could do...
03.04.04
You know what i really want is my own angel. Mortal or immortal I don't care.
Im just so tired of being here.
How about someon who will never leave after they get what they want or give up after a sily misunderstanding. I need an angel who can stop the bleeding or keep me away from those who cause it.
I want my angel to sit next to my bed and hold my hand through all the nightmares.
One to listen to my jokes, music, complaints about traffic. Hopefully with a widened perspective to point and traighten out my human faults.
By now, ( and by the way u must have some time on your hands if you're this far (but thanks for reading)), you might think i might be a sad, miserable, maybe bitter person.... nah. first off, im not. I've just found myself writing about those certain instances and thoughts alot of people might go through. 2nd, don't assume u know enough about me just yet...
There's more
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