I sit alone wondering if I will always be alone, and am scared that I am becoming ok with that. I haven�t felt his comfort since he left, and the others are not distracting enough. My ocean looks blue, but I know it is brownish green. The gulls are eating trash, while the vendors are selling it.
I am 24 going on 12. It seems all the past has been a blur, too much has happened to absorb it. Everything is changing so fast, like the sea. Never still. Maybe that is why I love the sea. The perpetual movement and change are eternal and something I can always count on. Like the leaves of the trees I love so much. Should I leave the trees and move here to the waves? I left the farm. I should be able to leave its vicinity, but what would I do here? What will I do anywhere?
The crutch of a new boy is bringing me down. I care for him, but do not want to be in love. It is a burden I never should have taken on because holding his heart is heavier than any of it. I am depressing myself now, blue because I can�t see any mermaids, only memories washing up and fading back into the water. I�d better move back before I get washed away�but maybe that is what I secretly need. A force greater than myself to wash me in the direction I am supposed to go.
I am pretending to feel with him. Hoping to coerce my body into a response, push my heart, my spirit into feeling only what I have been able to remember thus far. I need more time, but I don�t think time is a grace I can count on anymore. Families and daddies are surrounding me, making me nauseaus and ragy. That boiling feeling in the pitt of my stomach that drives me to be hurtful to those that love me. I guess I have to get over that too, face I won�t have it. Knowing I can�t go back and change decisions that were never mine to make. The sand feels so good. So cool and accommodating. It smothers my fire.It would be easy to drown in this sand. To just lie here until I am covered.
I have got to run more and wear this introspection out of my self. If not for any other reason then for sleep, real hard sleep.