some excerpts from a  computer journal I had during the summer of 01.  the summer of finally getting balls when it came to endings and beginings.
April 2, 2001    My fingers are cold and I feel a void where my  creativity used to be. I think I lost that file that held the truth
About the ages of the righteous
And how far insight will take you on the train
Speckles make things brighter and far more real than your vibrant shine.
And his glance passing over me still makes me shudder.
I don�t know how I can see him without screaming and feeling it  all forever and ever.   amen.
june 19, 2001
And it was a crappy card.  A pointless card you get for your great aunt�s dog.  And it said nothing.  No, it said more than nothing. It said I don�t care.  That is exactly what it said.
July 1, 2001
maybe I should get back on the Zoloft.  How does this thing know to capitalize Zoloft?  That is freaky.  Have anti-depressants become such a core aspect of our society that they are pre-programmed into our spell and grammar check?  How incredibly fucked up is that?
And I will deal with that.  Why can�t I remember I survived the worst?  What I feel now doesn�t even compare.  Even the residual * feelings don�t compare to what I felt in December of 1999.  Nothing will ever be that bad.  I won�t let it happen again.  NO one is worth that pain.
July 5, 2001
Everyone is crazy.  I am just better at it.
July 28th pre trip...

Yeah, so this trip to Disney world is going to be a corporate Thelma and Louise , mass entertainment will lead to major self discovery through waiting in lines and walking blisters and gross goofy shaped candies and $4 waters. Pale skin attacked by sun, sticky children gasping at some ride that will of course take us to hell (because they all do), leigh and I scoping for guys and all we will find is everyotherweekend daddies looking for ass while trying to kiss up to their pissed off kids (I was one but I never got a trip to Disney from my fat loser of a paternal figure), the weird combination of balmy 90 florida and the sickening fake air of the mass AC units everywhere, all my childhood dreams and favorites put together sweetly with a big fat price tag.   It will be deep meditation in the middleclass heaven, forget Mecca or Tibet, maybe Orlando is the place to go to achieve total emotional fulfillment
August 12, 2001
Yeah, my expectations of disneyworld were on the dot.
I don�t know what to say about where I am now in my life other than I am sort of floating on the present and relaxing into the tiles of the buildings the incorporate me into their grande schemes.  I have no idea where I am headed, except I both pray for and against a harris arden.  For because I don�t want what I have had to be my best and most true, and against because I know how much it can hurt and I don�t think I can take a risk that could be more painful than an anniversary celebrated on my dates of commitment and incarceration.  With drugs and meds and quiet rooms.  And scary pink walls that al still can�t talk about and people I try not to remember and try harder not to forget.
November 12, 2001

The moon looks no closer out west
With the eras and generations so close behind
I looked into the eyes of the past and my present
And learned that the future is only of mine
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